I'm taking the extra money from the car settlement and catching up on a few bills. I've found alternate, and good, child care.

To answer Louisa's question, the young couple living with my husband just sat there on the couch saying nothing, doing nothing. People here in my community know how he treats me and they know I've taken it and I'm still there. That fact alone is enough to spur me to take the initiative and leave him. Even his closest friends have said they don't know how I've stayed this long.

As most of you know, I have a lot of pride. My pride and self esteem have been almost irrepairably damaged. I loathe the person I become around him. This time it really IS over. I love him and I'm crazy for loving him, but I can't stand him if that makes any sense.

I really am filing for a divorce asap. I long to be free!! I'm so tired of always being afraid and hating who I've become. I am great with the gk's and my daughter but my daughters all see me still struggling in this relationship and they want me out.

MY dad had the audacity the other day when I called him just to talk to say that he didn't blame my husband for being so upset with me because when he married me he got all these problems with my daughter and my grandkids.

In the past I've told my mom and dad about the abuse of my first and second husbands and my mom has said, "Well honey, he makes a LOT of money and has a good reputation at his job and he's gone a lot." So I stayed for 21 years.

My dad says, "Well, what did you do to cause him to be so angry with you?" Its always my fault no matter what the circumstance.

Now, though, both mom and dad say to leave the marriage but just never date or marry anyone else again, ever. Usually they are pretty supportive but I have grown up thinking anything bad that happened to me must have been my fault for dressing too provacatively, or being too smart in school, or not being a good enough wife, or not setting a good example for my younger brothers and sister, or not being a good enough mother...whatever. So, naturally, I always assume anything bad that is happening to me must somehow be my fault and only I can become better or look prettier, or do something more or get a better job or more education or something...

I'm learning there are many things I can't do. I can't change who I am basically, I can change how I respond to circumstances and give myself a break once in a while.

I've related to some of you the story of the penny. While lonely and driving a semi all hours on a tight schedule, this particular day, parked in a lonely lot waiting to be unloaded, I decided to take a walk.

I was praying and asking God if he loved me. I felt that he did, but wanted some type of physical proof that he did every day, just a physical reminder. I looked down and in the middle of a manufacturing storage lot, found a bright shiny new penny. I felt like God told me that every day, every day of my life from that moment on, I would find a penny and when I did, it would serve as a reminder of God's infinite love for me and total acceptance.

Every day, every day, I have found a penny. Sometimes they are a little beat up, dirty, in mud or in strange places, just like me...but they are there. I pick them up and keep every one of them and treasure them.

The kids and I have a "vacation fund". Someday, when we have enough, I'm taking them on a Disney cruise. The jar is filling up with pennies.

I'm not so bad afterall, am I??