Well, the papers are signed and we are waiting for the judge to put her final stamp on the divorce decree and make it official. 21 years together wiped out, in the words of the decree: "...as if the petitioner and respondent had never been married."

My attorney called to give me the news, and as this has been dragging on for over a year she was pretty ecstatic to be done with it and expected me to be as well. But I could not garner enough oomph to even say yay. All I felt was tired and empty. My soon-2-b-x called me on the phone moments later with a question about the kids and never even mentioned that he had signed off on the papers at last. I have to keep reminding myself that he is a clinical sociopath and as such has no feelings. But even with this knowledge, I find myself feeling hurt that it was business as usual for him, and that he was talking to me in what I have called over the years his "corporate voice" - you know, the one he talks to clients with. After 20+ years together, there was no clue in his voice that we had ever been more than business acquaintances. Wow.

I have not allowed myself the luxury of sitting down for a real long cry even once throughout this ordeal. A relative and close friend of mine who recently went through the worst divorce of the century had advised me early on that there would be plenty of time to cry afterwards, and to concentrate and stay focused on standing up for myself and my children until the negotiations were over and it was safe to let open the floodgates. Now that it is "safe", I'm not sure that I have any tears left to shed.

I am looking forward to getting on with my new life, and really do view this divorce as a gift from God, since I could have gone on with only a shell of a life if I had stayed married to this man, and maybe never even found out about his infidelities and deceipts. I now have tremendous issues with trust, and do not think that I will ever be able to remarry. I don't hate men, but right now it's kind of like being fascinated with dolphins but having no need to have one of my own. Same with men. They are pretty to look at, but I don't think that I have another gamble left in me. I have never been a cynic and I keep telling myself that this is still very early in the game, the divorce is not even official yet - and there is plenty of time for healing. But at age 53, I've gotta wonder.

So if I'm so bloody smart and understand all of this, how come I feel so hurt - now that it is over, after being dumped by a man who is not even capable of remorse?

Foundhervoice - but apparently not her brains - atlast