Things here have been quite tough since the last time I posted a few weeks ago. The worst of it is seeing what it is doing to my children. My oldest son had a breakdown the other night, and I had to call his therapist's emergency service. I was afraid he would need to be sedated or even hospitalized.

He had spent the entire day skiing alone with his dad, and I came by later in the evening to drop off his younger brother (who does not like to spend time with his father and had refused to go along with them) in order to comply with our temporary parenting time schedule. They usually spend two weeks with me and 4 or 5 days with their dad. The older boy sometimes spends part of that time at his dad's house without his brother because the younger one does not feel comfortable there and is not as easily manipulated by his father's "charms". Both kids have had a hard time transitioning between the two houses ever since the separation began. These days they are both torn between what they found out about their dad (that he has been carrying on with a married woman for years,that he systematically defrauded the family financially, lied to them for years about any number of things and finally had refused to go to counseling to try to salvage our marriage and save the family) and the fact that they still crave their father's love. It is not an easy thing for them to reconcile, especially as teenagers who need a male role model. Their father never gave them the time of day while they were growing up, and now that he is finally giving them some attention the boys are torn between the gaping deficit in their heart and their disgust for their dad's behavior. Dad has been playing the older boy like a violin and putting all kinds of pressure on him, because the parenting arrangements are going to be set very soon, and he knows that the psychologists are going to testify based on what my children's wishes are. That translates directly into $$$$ for him, money that he does not want to pay in child support and won't have to if he can convince the boys to rethink things and stay with him at least 50% of the time. My youngest son seems to be having an easier time of it because he has a very troublesome history with his father and tells me that he has no illusions about who his father is and that he has no intention of succumbing to bribery and manipulation. I hope that for his sake he can remain strong and take out of the relationship with his dad whatever he needs in order to be whole and feel good about himself. But he is feeling guilty about his big brother's breakdown, mainly because his brother called him up when he returned from skiing and pestered him about coming over to join him at his dad's house and he refused; he thinks that maybe if they had been together his brother might not have fallen apart. Anyway, as I was saying, I brought the younger boy over to join his brother later in the evening and my older son came out towards the car when he saw me pull up with his brother - I thought it was to say hi to me - but instead to my horror he started lashing out at me, SO angry, screaming about things that for the most part made no sense at all. I tried to calm him down and suggested he get into my parked car so we could talk privately. He got in and started yelling and crying that we have messed up his life and now he was going to take back control and do whatever he wants...that he was going to start dictating terms to us and that if we didn't let him do whatever he wants without being accountable he would just leave. I tried to diffuse things and then meekly told him that I had recently adopted US policy and would not negotiate with terrorists and I thought I saw him crack a smile for a nanosecond, but then he got distraught again and said that he cannot trust either one of us, screaming that his dad is a liar and he cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth, and then he turned on me and told me that I was trying to make him go crazy and make him think that his memory is failing.(He has been forgetful lately...I'm sure it is due to the stress he is under) He cried violently and when I tried to reach out to comfort him he screamed for me to get away from him and leave him alone. I asked if he would like a minute by himself, and he cradled his head down into his hands and nodded yes. I took the car keys and immediately ran up to his dad's front door and rang the doorbell...I asked him what the heck had gone on between the two of them to make our son so upset, and my soon-2-b-x said he didn't know but for some reason he immediately started apologizing to me and saying it was all his fault and that he is so sorry and he'll do better in the future. He kept saying it over and over again. I asked if they had had a fight but he denied it, saying instead that they had had an "intense" discussion. My son has refused to answer my questions and I still don't know what happened, two days later.

Anyway, we went back outside and my ex approached the car. My son locked the door from the inside and dialed up a friend on his cellphone. He asked to be picked up so that he "would not have to look at either one of his parents". This friend is a good kid and luckily, the son of one of my close girlfriends, and the dad is a good man and a doctor. I called the parents up right away and they both reassured me that they would not let the boys out of their sight and would take care of my son for as long as he wanted to stay with them. I called their house again a short time later to talk to my boy and make sure he was alright, but his dad had already beaten me to it and had made arrangements to take him back to his house. When I did speak to my son he told me that it seemed easier to just go with his dad now and that he would see me tomorrow.

I was able to arrange for a session with his psychologist for the very next day, and his dad and I joined in for the last 20 minutes or so. My son seemed considerably calmer by then. His father, however was clearly uncomfortable, sat with his arms crossed stiffly on his chest and his lips tersely pursed, and he did not open his mouth to comment or contribute even once during the session. My son returned home with his father. But later that evening he came by unexpectedly to sit with me and chat, and then this morning I was startled awake by a kiss on the cheek: he came by on his bike, let himself in to the house and woke me up to kiss me on his way to school. Oh, God. Please give me strength.

Tomorrow morning is yet another status conference with the judge. I know that this can't go on forever, but I don't know how to do this anymore. A part of me feels like cutting out my heart to eliminate the pain of seeing what my children are going through. I devoted 17 years of my life to my boys, I kept them happy and secure in spite of a cold, unfeeling and uninvolved father, only to see them go through this now...It just breaks my heart...

What will happen to my kids?

Foundhervoice-atlast