Wow, Searcher. I am so sorry for your loss, on so many levels. I have only a very small inkling of what you must have and still are - on some level - going through. My youngest was quite ill until recently, with a number of serious health issues and complications that started at birth. It took 13 years of raw determination and non-stop research for me to figure out why he was having these problems, with no help, interest or even emotional support from the soon-2-b-x. In fact, I blamed myself for his illness at one point because I had been so utterly miserable throughout my pregnancy that I was convinced that it was my unhappy feelings that had made my baby so sick. Not only was the ex not excited about having another child: he never attended even one ultrasound, and made it pretty clear to me that he could have done without baby #2 (and I had impregnated myself, I assume?). He also had little or no interest in baby #1 as soon as he figured out that his birth had caused him to at least temporarily lose his sex kitten to new motherhood. He outright regretted the birth of the second child once he found out that he was less than physically perfect and would be demanding even more of my time than the first child.

The short version of the story is that at almost 40 years of age I became (for all practical purposes) a single parent to two children under the age of 21 months, one who was chronically ill, eventually needed home nursing care and whom I had to resuscitate twice within a few short weeks of his birth; the other an adorable 21 month old toddler who became depressed because of the decrease in attention from his stressed out, sleep deprived and exhausted mother. And if you've never seen a clinically depressed toddler you have at least one new reason to count your blessings. It was a real heartbreaker. I think that it was at that point that I fell out of love with my husband. He had no compassion, no empathy, and absolutely no interest in spending any time with his children or me (unless it involved having sex). Why did I stay in the marriage? Well, for one thing I took my vows very seriously, and believed that with enough love and patience we could lick this thing and get past his insecurities and his selfishness. For another, he was always travelling on business and I had my hands full with my two children: under the circumstances, a critically ill child trumped marital misery every time. It was only 4 years ago that I came upon a clue as to what my son's illness was, and then I was able to find a specialist who knew how to deal with it. If you were to look at my strong, beautiful child now, you would never suspect how close I came to losing him only a few short years ago.

He, unfortunately, retains the painful memory of the horrible clashes he had with his dad during the course of the illness, since his father was in denial about his medical condition and chose to see him as weak of character and not physically ill at all. The fights that they had where his father would drag him out of bed in an attempt to force him to attend school even though the child could barely stand were at times more than I could bear. I physically intervened and always acted as a buffer for my son at great personal cost and it took its toll on me for sure, but I have no regrets whatsoever. I adore my children and am grateful for having been blessed with them. I forced our family to relocate to a climate that posed a lesser threat to my youngest's health a few years ago, and this allowed him the time he needed to heal and grow. He is left with a minor heart defect and a little residual asthma these days but is otherwise a healthy young man. He is even making up for the stagnation in his growth (which was due to the large quantities of medication he had been on for years) and he grew 5 inches and put on 15 pounds in the last year alone. You would never know - to look at him - what a sick little boy he had been.

It was only recently that a therapist talked to me about sociopathy/psychopathy, and showed me several books and articles on the subject (and they all had pictures of my husband right next to the title, imagine that! - just joking!), and it was then that I realized that my soon-2-b-x was not just a meanie...he was really mentally and emotionally deficient. It was this piece of information that gave me permission to forgive myself for what I had thought were my terrible inadequacies that must have driven him away from me. Now I realize that a healthy, loving spouse would have joined forces with me and participated in trying to help his child overcome illness - instead of turning against everyone and resenting his own child for being sick and complicating his life. When I see the disappoinment in my kids' eyes as they vent about their dad it makes me very sad that this is the father I provided for them, but then I tell myself that whatever good was ever in him was surely passed along to them, and I am grateful that they show no sign of his emotional dysfunction (which would have been evident by now, according to my therapist).

So, after going through all of this, I cannot roll over and die just because my husband does not feel any obligation to take financial care of me or the children until I can get my feet back on the ground. At the age of 53 I find myself back out on both the job and the singles market. While I am excited about establishing my new life as a wage earner (although I still don't know exactly what it is I will do), I am definitely not excited about nor looking for new male companionship. I guess I have lost confidence in my ability to judge character after what I've been through, and every man is now suspect to me, at least for the time being. I don't know how to make sure that a new man would be - as you put it, Searcher, worthy of me. So I figure I had best steer clear until I can figure it out and avoid making another mistake...

I apologize for the length of this post. I have a status meeting with the court tomorrow, and I guess I just needed to vent and get things clear in my own mind. Thank you all for your support and patience. Please send those good thoughts my way...

Foundhervoice-atlast