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#9899 - 12/29/05 02:13 AM am i wrong?
gagirl76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 3
Hello girls... I am new to this whole thing and i need advice. I have been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old daughter. My husband and I have never really had the best marriage. He's not mean to me, he's just never really been there for me. He is very dedicated to his job, I feel more so than our marriage. I guess I should be grateful that he atleast works. After we had our daughter I started working part time when she was about a year old. He is always telling me that I should work a fulltime job, yet he works about 70 hours a week and is never around. I am the one who has to do doctor appts. and anything else that comes up. Whenever I have been sick and had to go to the hospital he was never able to take me, my father had to... He was always to busy at work. He's not a very sympathetic person, never really has been. Anyway, we almost got divorced right before I got pregnant with my daughter and since I have had her, I decided to stick it out for her sake. Well, this past year has really been hard. I have realized that I want more in my life and I have recently started singing again and writing music, trying new things to see where they go. Well, ofcourse he thinks I am crazy, no support coming from him. Last Christmas I caught him going into porno sites on the internet. I put a quick stop to that. Since then, he's still on the internet all the time, exspecially on ask men.com. That drives me crazy... He has even turned down sex several times because he was on the internet. Let's see, we have no communication, when he is around he is either watching a movie, the internet or a magazine. We have talked about it and I am lonely and fed up... Am I overreacting??? Please help...

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#9900 - 12/29/05 02:23 AM Re: am i wrong?
Pattyann Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 245
Loc: Ocala Florida
No, you aren't overreacting.You have needs and goals and dreams and are entitled to them.
You have a daughter and if you can get into counseling- alone or with your husband and sincerely try to save your marriage that would be best for her- divorce is hard- I know- especially for kids
But once you have done everything you can you need to make a decision for yourself- is this the life you can live-or not
Porno is a big no with me- my ex was obsessed with it- we could get out of bed one minute and he was watching trash the next. He never understood why I felt that I wasn't good enough when faced with his obsession
You aren't overreacting- you just need to figure out what action you need to take

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#9901 - 12/29/05 02:57 AM Re: am i wrong?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Been asking the men the past several months what is this big deal with porn? Do thwey feel it takes away from their wife and the marriage bed. Most started off saying, "hell no." But with further discussions they each and every one admitted to getting addicted to those young hard bodies and some even admitted to me that when they do have sex it isn't with their spouse (mentally) but one of those babes. They think of them and use their wives body. Sick bastards that they are. This may sound gross to some of you but it has worked. Go buy a "big rubber friend' and leave it where he'll find it, and when he gets all indignant just say hey, I need more than you can provide, sorry besides all your sex is in your head. Bet me they would freak out big time.

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#9902 - 12/29/05 03:23 AM Re: am i wrong?
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
Hey gagirl, I may not be in the best frame of mind to give advice but I'll give it and you can sift it for what it's worth.

I am in the middle of divorce from my husband of 24 years. Sex was non-existent. We had been to counselors, he would 'change' for a few months adn slip right back into whatever it was he was doing in his home office.

He always had so much work to do, and nothing I did was good enough. I have gone through spurts--no sex for 2 years, brief good time (son was born) then no sex for 5 years, brief good time, (after remarried him) no sex for 7 years, brief good time (while we were in counseling) no sex for 10 years--and I have had it--divorce will take place.

I didn't have the guts to pursue this until the sheriff arrived at my door with a search warrant looking for child porn. Turned out his little habit of looking at women had blossomed to include children and men.

After being confronted with a search warrant I found out he also had gay encounters. I have since found that he had 'outed' himself on gay websites, listing himself as unmarried with no children.

This man seemed perfectly NORMAL and HETROSEXUAL before marriage.

Porn is addictive and can lead down the road to so many things. If left unchecked eventually looking at porn isn't enough and they start looking for real people to play their fantasies out on.

Take it seriously, make him deal with it or get you and your child out before something really bad happens. Staying together for the sake of the child does little for the child--they know a lot more than you realize, feel emotionally a lot more than you know and may be in danger!

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#9903 - 12/29/05 05:24 AM Re: am i wrong?
gagirl76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the advice...

Hey starting over, girl you have been through it..
You also scare me though. See there were times when he was on the internet that I dressed up in a little nighty or a nice panty and bra set and it didn't do a thing for him. I know I am not the best looking thing, but I know I am that bad because I do get hit on! It was hard for me to wear those things, your body is not your body anymore after children. See there for a while we weren't having sex. Now we are, but I wonder why. I also asked him recently why he would go on askmen.com and talk to complete strangers about clothing and stuff like that and he doesn't even talk to me.I also asked him if he realized that most of the men on that site are most likely gay. He got really defensive exspecially when i questioned his screen name...it was feminine... He told me that was a fashion thing, he works retail, he also said that I was being a real... about it and I shouldn't be snooping. They sent the confirmation to my email address, so ofcourse I would get it. I told him any woman would be upset...

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#9904 - 12/30/05 08:11 AM Re: am i wrong?
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
gagirl, I hate to hear what you are going through. I can't imagine the fear you are feeling, worrying about what might be happening. I lived in denial for so many years, thinking I'll shelve our sex life and make the marriage work on other levels--after all, if he was injured and couldn't have sex would I leave him?

It is terrible, and painful. I strongly suggest you do a google search for Bonnie Kaye and go to her website. She is a phychologist/counselor (not Christian unfortunately) but she herself was married to someone who was gay. She offers great advice--she does not push divorce, she will give you a list of things to look for, ways to talk to him, how to dispell his replys to get to the truth.

She has a chat forum and a monthly newsletter via internet. It is the only support I have found. There are several ministries that help the gay person--the wife is a secondary issue to them.

If you need further help or need to talk please feel free to contact me by private message.

You ARE beautiful, you DO matter, you emotions ARE real and VALID. Don't loose yourself because of this. Now that I am going through it you wouldn't believe how often this is happening--we are NOT alone. Many women are going through this.

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#9905 - 01/08/06 03:06 AM Re: am i wrong?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Gagirl76, Feminine name huh??? You know usually when it walks like a duck, squawks like a duck, its a duck! He may have had gay feelings before but hid them and tried to be normal but they are resurfacing once again....Think you have a real problem here.

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#9906 - 01/10/06 05:53 AM Re: am i wrong?
boomersis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/02
Posts: 31
Loc: Maryland
gagirl - perhaps try talking to him about your concerns. I have a friend at work that was married for yours and he has two daughters. He left his wife for a male partner over a year ago. I know that it has been particularly rough for his wife. I cannot begin to imagine.

I can also comment on how rough it was from his perspective. This is a man that did not allow himself to go with his sexual preference due to his upbringing. He is a wonderful man and father, but was miserable in his marriage. I watched him go through terrible times - depression, weight loss, etc. during his struggle while making his decision. I know that his decision to leave his family was not popular with many people, but he had made a mistake by denying his sexual preference.

His divorce is final now, and they share joint custody of their daughters. He spends as much time as possible with his two daughters and they have a healthy relationship with him and his new partner. Life does go on, and it gets better once everyone is honest with each other.

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#9907 - 01/11/06 08:30 AM Re: am i wrong?
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
gagirl Have you checked out Bonnie Kaye website yet? She has tons of info/ how to talk to him/ how to ask the tough questions/ how to get to the bottom of the problem quickly rather than letting it fester and make matters worse.

You can send her an email and she will personally respond to you!

I've been there, if you need to talk more send me a private message. We're all praying for you.

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#9908 - 01/11/06 07:29 AM Re: am i wrong?
gagirl76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 3
Thanks, Starting Over. I haven't got to yet, had too many things going on. I will, though. Hope you are well.

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