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#9852 - 12/21/05 10:56 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?

Founderhvoiceat last:

As a paralegal, I agree w/ your attorney, your increased income can and may decrease the support (please review your financial declaration/child support calculation; if you like you may prepare a comparison between the present w/ season employment vs. what you may expect to earn for both -- your state may have the child support calculator on-line). Once you have an Order of the Court (not certain of the family court rules of procedure in your state) determining the support, and once you feel comfortable with that Final Decree (or Order) -- then look for employment. Now, caution, he may file a motion afterwards stating that your income has increased, thus lessening the amount of support he must provide (I just want you to be aware), however, this will cost him money and more time in Court.

Starting Over:

Regarding the Christmas presents, I would allow the children to have thier's on Christmas (or appropriate holiday gathering), but do not open yours. Simply return them or set aside as evidence.

Regarding the subpoena for bank account statements, it is a part of the discovery process. Unfortunately, it seems like an invasion of privacy.

Although I'm not certain of your financial life, when I was in the process of divorcing I opened a new account at a bank that neither I nor my husband had ever had conducted business and explained the situation to the individual assisting with opening the new account. I also requested that the statements be sent to my office, rather than home address. I opened a non-interest account so that it would not reflect on my taxes in the event he (husband) tried to obtain a copy during the divorce proceedings.

I took all money from my old accounts in cash not to exceed $5K (to keep under the IRS and FBI eyes) and deposited into the new account. Luckily, I only needed this account for about 6 mths until the divorce was finalized.

#9853 - 12/22/05 12:28 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
starting over Offline

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
MustangGal, sounds like I should have had a talk with you a long time ago. Not that I had that kind of $$ to worry about.

OK, so he can subpeana my records, but I'm not allowed to know where he is working or how much he makes or subpeana his records?? I don't understand why that's right. I meet with attorney tonight--we have a LOT to discuss.

jawJaw, Amen sister--you tell her! Foundhervoice--it may sound like we are ranting bitter women--NOT SO! Just older and wiser. We have been down the road and know what lies ahead.

I read the other day that when it comes to divorce, women want to be fair and men want to win. They have a deep seeded need to win. They can't look like the looser in the end, somehow they have to save face--so be a wise woman and stick to your game plan, don't give in, don't take anything laying down and be mentally, physically and spiritually prepared for what lies ahead. We're here to cheer you on!

#9854 - 12/22/05 02:54 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Both of you NO any of you in this situation waiting on the finalization of your divorce from these "slugs." Don't just change the bank account location because they have easy ways of finding them, CANCEL it completely and use cash or money orders to pay bills etc. Tell no one not even your own attorney what you are doing, just say there is no money, I'm destitute....I had a shark of an Attorney for my divorce and he taught me every dirty trick that these "slugs" try and we beat my ex to it every time. My lawyer was very expensive but I didn't care the ex's have to pay court costs and attornys fee because I was destitute, remember, yea sure I was, LOL! I offer you any advice for free that you might ask. My Lawyer was already paid and I can use the information as much as I want to...If you can prove (private detective) that this married b-witch is cavorting with your husband, he still is legally! You can SUE her for allianation of affections. Boy wouldn't that get her married smart assed panties in a sling...last laugh there! Just be cautious and do it to him before he does it to you...that goes for all the soon to be ex's...and for Gods sake don't believe a thing they say, they will try anything if they think they are not going to win out.

[ December 21, 2005, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

#9855 - 12/22/05 03:00 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Daisygirl Offline

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Chatty, you can do that? I had proof my husband was cheating and my attorney said the court doesn't care! Of course, that's Ohio for you.


#9856 - 12/22/05 03:03 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Not true unless things have changed drastically in a couple of years. You have to show proof however and then sue the woman as I said and then you can also prove asdultrey on his part. If you're already divorced I think it too late.

#9857 - 12/22/05 12:18 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
foundhervoice-atlast Offline

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
Chatty Lady -

I have to concur with Daisygirl. I live in a no-fault state and according to my lawyer, even if i can prove that the spermdonor was fooling around while we were married it will not affect the spousal support settlement. It could, however, have an impact on the parental control issues, by way of showing what an immoral jerk the kids' dad is. But then that would require an additional civil lawsuit or atleast make things drag out considerably and that costs money I do not have. That does not mean I won't do it: it just means that I have to consider all sides of the issue carefully before i put my kids through any more trauma.

The other thing I am hearing is that since my kids are older, it may not be worth the headache. My oldest will be going into his senior year of h.s. next fall and be independent potentially before this lawsuit can even get settled. The younger one is pretty savvy about what's going on, and can assert himself in court if it should come down to to it, so I may not require any additional litigation.

I would soooo appreciate any additional advice you could give me about this whole nasty business. Who better to learn from than someone who has already been there? Sorry you had to go through it. I hope that your life has since improved.

Many thanx.

Foundhervoice-atlast [Smile]

#9858 - 12/22/05 12:46 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
foundhervoice-atlast Offline

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
Wow! Truer words have never been spoken, JJ!

I felt exactly like you did at first. For 20+ years the spermdonor (he-who-shall-no-longer-be-properly-named)kept telling me what a good guy he was. A friend of mine who was a therapist prior to children and subsequent divorce cued me that a person who is genuinely good does not need to advertise it. Good point. I'll admit that for years his claim confused me. I kept thinking, if he is such a good guy, what is wrong with me for not seeing it? Hmmm. We all know the answer to that one!

Well the gig is up. whenever he wants something from me or is planning something nasty behind my back that he wants to zing me with in court he changes his tone of voice and drips sugar. He fluctuates back and forth between that and giving me the cold shoulder. How obvious is that? Maybe he's been bi-polar all these years and I didn't know it? Nah.

The other thing my girlfriend told me is something that i want to share with all of you who may be going through this heartache, especially if you have children. She told me to consider that the reason a son (or daughter, I guess?)is better off having a relationship with his father even if he is a no-good-lying-you-know-what is because the father will probably revert back to the uninvolved parent he was before the divorce eventually because it is impossible to keep up the pretense forever, and the child will figure things out for himself if given half a chance. Material bribes will only take your child so far (I hope!)But in order for that to happen, you cannot interfere. Even if this means your child's feelings will get hurt. I spent upwards of 15 years trying to cover up the ex's uninvolvement with his children, and make up for everything he should have been feeling for them or doing with them. As a wise woman recently told me, how the heck will my kids ever figure out who their dad is if I am constantly covering up for him?

As far as what kind of influence will a bad dad have on his children she reminded me that if nothing else, my kids will have a glaring up-front-and-in-their-face-example of what kind of father they do not want to grow up to be. I found that strangely reassuring. If that makes me a bad person, then mea culpa. It could be worse. At least I'm not bad-mouthing him to them.


#9859 - 12/23/05 03:13 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Oh how right you are foundherownvoice at last, NEVER bad mouth these slugs to the children because its absolutely true that they will eventually do the harm themselves, as your friend said keeping up the cherade becomes too hard as time goes by especially if they (slugs) can't irritate you in some way by being the good dad!!! There is a perfect saying:

Give A Person Enough Rope and Eventually They'll Hang Themselves.

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