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#9822 - 12/14/05 11:41 AM Whatever happened to integrity?
foundhervoice-atlast Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
I just got off the phone with the soon-to-be-ex, and he was suddenly as sweet as molasses, which is a drastic change from his normal behavior towards me. I could not contain my shock and I asked him point blank why the change in his attitude. He said something about realizing how badly he had behaved in the past, and that since we would be interacting for many years to come because of our kids he might as well try to make things better between us. He then offered to give me two extra days with the kids this week as a gesture of goodwill. What he didn't know was that the kids already told me late last week that he was planning to be out of town for a one day job interview, and that he would like to extend his stay - assuming I would agree to take the kids for a few extra days - to visit with one of his long distance honeys. He has no idea that I or the children know about her or any of the other women he has been involved with since way before the marriage broke up.

I am incensed that he keeps feeding me this bull****! How stupid does he think I am? (No need to answer that, I already know...) [Eek!] I have my annual ob-gyn appointment this Friday and you better believe I am going to get tested. How could he be such a slime ball? I doted on him and took care of him for twenty years, and in return he could care less about having endangered my health. See what I mean? No integrity.

Do you think he'll ever get a clue? Is there something wrong with me for even asking this question? I have fully accepted that our 20 year marriage is over, and heaven knows I am finally convinced that it is all for the best. But I still keep hoping that he will start leveling with me, and be honest even if we are no longer together. Do you think there are any men out there who are honest and incapable of being liars and cheats when it suits them? Or am I just daydreaming? [Confused]

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#9823 - 12/14/05 06:18 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Dear foundhervoice, I think you are smart to not let him know you're on to him. These sociopathic men know what to say to manipulate and if you realize what is going on, you're one step ahead of him. I think if he finds out before the divorce is final that you're on to him, it will be no holds barred on his part.

Guys like him never change, they just continue doing the same to other women. People have to make a huge effort to change and most can only do it with God's help.

There are some good men, but they are far and few between. Most of the good ones stay married.

Daisygirl

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#9824 - 12/15/05 12:19 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
foundhervoice, so what did you tell him when he asked if you would keep the kids?

I'd say you should keep the kids. They would probably rather be with you. I know that sounds harsh, but from what I've read, it's probably the truth.

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#9825 - 12/15/05 12:47 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
There are good men out there...I happen to have one now...thank goodness.

But, I also know there are alot just like your soon-to-be ex. They never change..just go from woman to woman. Don't expect anything he can't give...like honesty. Really gets to you when they try and be sly, thinking they are pulling the wool over your eyes.
I'd let him know I knew what was going on, and ask him who was more important the kids, or his new friend.

Think my ex is on his 6th marriage now. His dad was married 8 times....do you think it runs in the family?

Hope your tests turn out fine.

[ December 14, 2005, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]

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#9826 - 12/15/05 05:14 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Most of the men like your soon to be ex and most of our ex's live by this mantra:

Don't Do What I Do, but Do Do What I Don't Do...

Think about it, thats the truth in a nut shell.

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#9827 - 12/15/05 05:27 AM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I say, let him believe he's manipulating you until the divorce decree is signed. Then tell him how you feel.

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#9828 - 12/15/05 12:27 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
foundhervoice-atlast Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
Thanks for your responses. It's really hard for me not to blurt out what I know about him when I see him. I've never been a good liar, or been able to hide my feelings (unless someone stood to get hurt), or behave in a devious manner. I used to think that that was a good thing, but now I'm thinking that I've been living in la-la land and need to shed my pollyanna ways.

I rehearse about a gazillion scenes of dialogue in my head every day, imagining myself saying cool, unemotional things to him that really knock him for a loop and take him completely by surprise. But I know that I probably couldn't pull it off in real life, because I'd get emotional and cry, or be too angry to come off as cool and uncaring. I'm afraid that if I zing him before the divorce negotiations are final by telling him what I know, he will get really angry out of embarassment and go on the attack like Daisy said.

I did agree to take the kids while he is away. My children have been my life for the past 17 years and I dedicated myself to raising them. Now that they are getting older they do have social lives of their own, and since we have only one car now and three drivers I wind up playing chauffeur a lot of the time. I don't see them as much as I'd like. Pre-divorce I would have taken this in stride but lately this often leaves me feeling somewhat abandoned and resentful, but I quickly remind myself that my job as a mom has always been to raise good, moral, sensitive, independent young men who are able to support themselves and give back to society. Not mama's boys. It's just that now that they are with me only 50% of the time I suddenly feel needy, and I miss them terribly.

On the weeks that they are staying with their father I turn the heat down low, unplug every unnecessary light and appliance, and scrimp and save to conserve funds (I never know from one day to the next where money will come from since he is conveniently unemployed and refusing to pay any kind of support) But I think that being clingy and demanding of my sons would be one of the biggest mistakes I could make right now, so I put a smile on my face and try not to show them how terribly this all hurts.

Dotsie - the kids do prefer to be at home with me, but the older one feels bad for his dad even though he is very angry with him, and he has become obsessed with being fair. To him this means making sure he does not behave in a way that expresses favor toward one parent or the other. He is still very angry with both of us for derailing his life and trying to keep control of his emotions. He has a much harder time adjusting to the weekly change in houses than my younger one does, who is much more people savvy than his older brother and realized from the git go that his father is not an honest or nice man and is trying to make up for years of neglect by buying his love and promising him material things.

I am glad that some of you have found good men. That gives me hope for the male gender, especially as the mother of two boys.

After reading your replies I'm going to try to keep my mouth shut and wait until I am in a better position financially and emotionally before I let the cat out of the bag and tell the jerk what I found out about his deceitful behavior and secret plans. I just hope I can do it...Wish me luck on my tests Friday...

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#9829 - 12/15/05 05:46 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Luck to you on friday FHVAL...
Here are some interesting published Baby Boomer statistics from MetLife Mature Market Institute 2005 (ages 41-59)

Marriage/Divorce

3.9% of those 65 and over have never been married....

12.6% of Boomers have never married...

6.7% of those over 65 have been divorced...

14.2% of Boomers have been divorced...

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#9830 - 12/15/05 06:04 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
No kidding Chatty! I would've thought the divorce numbers would be much higher. That is hopeful, isn't it?

Daisygirl

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#9831 - 12/15/05 07:17 PM Re: Whatever happened to integrity?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
foundhervoice, you are very wise to let your kids go. I'm sure you feel empty at times because you probably thought you'd have that hubby along for hte ride as the kids got older. Please know your feelings are normal. What you might want to do to begin filling the gaps is make a list of things you've always wanted to do, books you've wanted to read, movies you've wanted to watch, people you've wanted to spend more time with, etc, then start doing at least one of those things for yourself every week. Just a thought...

You are very wise. I trust you will continue to make good decisions. Please know we are always here for you.

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