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#97355 - 12/27/06 04:44 PM Birth mom lived within miles...Re: Adoption [Re: jabber]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
bonnierose, did you really know they lived close by or did you just feelit? Did your adotive mom tell you about them wehn you were young? And one last question...did you wait to search until your adoptive parents were gone for a reason?

Unfortunately, our kids who are adopted from Korea will never get to meet their birth parents. At this stage of the game I don't think it matters to my son, but my daughter would probably love to meet her birth parents. She has always been more inquisitive about her birth story.
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#97356 - 12/28/06 08:02 PM Too old not to know...
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dotsie,
At 25 months of age, I was too old not to be traumatized by abandonment. I knew I belonged somewhere other than where I was but I didn't know where that was. My adoptive mom tried to see how much damage my birth mom had done and she took me to Children's Hospital for physical tests, then to a shrink for emotional evaluation. I remembered my birth name from a hospital loudspeaker summons. Over the years, every woman who gave me the least bit of attention, was my imaginary real mom. NO; I didn't know for sure birth family were nearby. I felt it in my spirit. My adoptive mom never talked about it. I didn't want to hurt her, so I waited until dad and she graduated into the spirit, before I seriously searched for biological kinfolk. After I did, I wished I hadn't. The trauma was compounded. I was rejected a second time. My birth mom had abandoned all eleven of her kids, at different stages in their lives. Most of my siblings were jealous that I was adopted...and on and on it goes. Today, I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) but it isn't totally from that. Other issues contributed, as well. The reason I searched is because, identity is a huge thing when you're not sure who you are. I wanted to know why I was left; what had happened that my mother didn't want me. The answer was: I came from a family where four generations of women had been abused. Need I say more?
Your kids, Dotsie, are probably victims of economic instability. That's different.
Whatever you do, good luck!!!!
Luv,
BRose

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#97357 - 12/28/06 09:20 PM Re: Too old not to know... [Re: jabber]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Bonnie, thanks for sharing. I hope you don't mind. I'm so sorry your mom wouldn't talk about adoption when you were little. We were told from the get-go to be open so we have. You mentioned knowing your birth mom for five years. I hope she was able to answer all your questions. I honestly wish someone could answer my children's questions should the time come when they want to know more. That's one of the sad parts about foreign adoption. There is so much unknown.
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#97358 - 12/29/06 03:04 PM Not even mom...
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dear Dotsie,
I don't mind questions. If there's any way I can shine some light on the child's emotional viewpoint, I'd be glad to help. In my day, the old folks were tight-lipped. My adopted folks would not talk about it. When I met my birth mom, she was extremely secretive and guilt-ridden. She said very little. She had hurt a lot of people and the ripple effect swept over hundreds of offspring. It was two weeks before Christmas '94 when I found her. At first, she wanted no part of me. The second time I went back, she said, "I've got 43 grandchildren, no more family is needed." I visited her on Tuesday. I took her groceries. I took her out to lunch. Eventually, I got her a new apartment not far from where I lived. She cottoned to having me around after a while. Most of my siblings held grudges and had nothing to do with her. I, and my "Pastor" sister, was about all she had in the end. Mom liked men. Mom liked babies. That was about all she liked. The questions that were answered, were answered by intuition and observation. Verbal communication was in short supply. But I spent my life wanting to know who I was. Now I know. And it isn't a pretty picture!!!!
Ciao for now.

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#97359 - 12/30/06 01:07 PM Re: Not even mom... [Re: jabber]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
yeah, but who you are doesn't have to be based on who your birth parents were. Do you think?

You should have no regrets. You were so kind to her.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
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#97360 - 12/30/06 06:54 PM Adoptive parents/great examples...
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dotsie,
My adoptive parents were the most wonderful examples of warmhearted, loving humans anyone could imagine. I'd like to think I take after them. At least I hope I have some of their attributes. Thanks. And Happy New Year

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#97361 - 01/03/07 02:46 PM No secrets... [Re: jabber]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dear Dotsie,
I am so happy to hear you're open about the adoptions. I now believe, that in my case, my adoptive mom was hush, hush, because birth mom lived so near. She may've been afraid that the woman would return and take me away. But my adoptive mom kept my brother and sister's adoptions secret, too. They were from different backgrounds. And remember, that was back in the late '40S. Personal things were kept quiet, in those days. It's good to share all you know about your children's history with them. They'll respect U for that in days to come.
I respect that sort of forthrightness. I think, it's human nature to wonder about one's identity. Adopted kids, have a tendency to question why they weren't wanted, even if unavoidable circumstances cropped-up.
I'd like to take this opportunity to "Thank you" for starting this site. And say, "I really appreciate being allowed to vent my hurting emotions in such a caring forum."
Ciao for now,
B.Rose

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#97362 - 01/04/07 03:09 PM Re: No secrets... [Re: jabber]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Bonnie, I used to wish I was adopted because it would explain so much. I even ordered two copies of my birth certificate, going over them carefully, looking for clues. Didn't find any though.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
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#97363 - 01/15/07 04:09 PM Re: No secrets... [Re: Dianne]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
I didn't find an adoption thread so I thought I would post here.

My 12 year old daughter is adopted. We've had her since she was 6 months old. We used to be foster parents and didn't intend to adopt any of them, however, the courts took so long to finalize Jennifer's case that she was 5 1/2 years old by the time they got through. We were the only family she knew and by then my whole family was in love with her so we had to keep her. She's like an only child with 3 daddys. My sons are 21 and 24.

Jennifer has fetal alcohol effects. When she was a baby we thought she was retarded. She just laid there. She had no muscle tone and didn't walk until she was 18 months old. Physical therapists came out and worked with her to help her learn to walk. She's always been behind in motor skills and maturity. Her mind is sharp as a tack. She can remember names and numbers better than any of my family. She has to use an alpha smart (sort of like a small laptop) at school because no one can read her hand writing. She was making poor grades in first grade on her spelling tests and I went to the school and talked to her teacher. I told her I couldn't understand why Jennifer was flunking her spelling tests. We would go over them the morning before her test and she knew them all. Her teacher started giving her the test verbally and discovered Jennifer in fact knew her spelling words.

Sorry this is so long but I just wanted to tell someone about our miracle baby. Many of the children in America have been ruined by drugs and alcohol abuse and the court system takes too long to sever the parent's rights. The only reason Jennifer is where she is today is because she wasn't in a typical foster home full to capacity. (we only took a couple of children at a time) and we gave her the love and attention she needed. When that happens those children are usually kept by the foster parents instead of going for adoption. I know of one family who has adopted four children and they had three of their own.

We need to change the court system so that these babies aren't left in the system until they are older and less adoptable.

Laurel

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#97364 - 01/15/07 05:39 PM Re: No secrets... [Re: Laurel]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
You sound so proud of her, Laurel. She's one lucky girl to have you and your family!

There was an article in yesterday's newspaper about some foster parents being arrested. They had been housing 11 foster kids and were receiving over $100,000 per year in payments and government subsidies. This all came out as they were arrested for child abuse and sexual abuse.

These kind of people give fostering a bad name, so I love to hear stories like yours, Laurel.

Kathy

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