Hi everyone...I'm in the middle of a divorce and very frustrated. After being married for nearly 20 years, my husband who professed to be very happy with me, filed for divorce after we saw a marriage counselor (at my insistence),and after a few sessions the counselor told him that most of our problems were not insurmountable but that he needed individual therapy because he was on total disconnect from his feelings and was oblivious to how emotionally abusive he was to me and our children. I guess it was easier for him to go through the divorce process than it would have been for him to accept that he was flawed and needed help. It's been very hard for me to accept that kind of rejection, especially after twenty years of making so many personal sacrifices in order to keep our family together. He filed for divorce in June just as soon as we separated, but I recently found out that the jerk had been planning this divorce for some time and had taken precautions to hide assets and become unemployed in order to avoid paying spousal and child support. I guess that's why he went straight for a divorce instead of for counseling and a trial separation. Do I feel like a fool or what?

I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 17 years as we both agreed that one of us should stay home and be the primary caregiver, even though it meant quite the financial sacrifice. At the time he nominated me of course, even though I was earning slightly more money than he was and was very nervous about suddenly giving up my career and becoming financially dependent upon him. (My mom had warned me about such things...) Our second child was born only 21 months after our first, as I was an older mom and afraid that my biological clock would time out before very long. Tragically the child had severe medical problems at birth and became chronically ill as he got older. He would take ill for long periods of time and would miss a great deal of school. I worked with him at home to make up the work he missed, and he was constantly at risk of being left behind. It became clear that I would not be able to work outside of the home until his condition improved. Now that my son has thankfully recovered and is in good health 15 years later due to my tireless efforts in researching his condition and searching for medical help all over the U.S. - with zero support or concern from his dad, I might add, I am in one heck of a position, since I am no longer qualified to work in the field I was previously in (high-tech) unless I get some major re-education. The soon-to-be-ex-husband insists that I get a job asap and has concentrated his attorney's efforts in reminding me that Colorado law states that any mom whose children are over the age of thirty months is required by law to seek full-time employment; he does not care that I can only earn minimum wage at the present time. I have an interview tomorrow at the mall for a sales job that pays $8 an hour. He, on the other hand, has quite a lot of money socked away (not that he voluntarily disclosed it mind you...)as well as the potential to earn a six-figure income himself. I am six years older than him and at 52 years old I am terrified of becoming a poverty statistic. I have not even allowed myself to mourn the loss of the relationship itself as I am trying to concentrate on my anger in order to motivate myself to figure a way out of this predicament. One of my friends (who recently lost custody of her own children due to a conniving ex-husband who left her penniless with three children to support)advised me to "divorce" my emotions for now, as there will always be time for me to cry, but right now I need to keep my wits about me and protect myself and my children for the future. I know that my sons love me but right now they are quite happy to finally be getting attention from their Disneyland father, who up until now would not give them the time of day. We are doing a 7 and 7 split: they spend 7 days with me and then 7 days with their father. I hate the way it has devastated them and turned their lives upside down and I myself feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest, but I also recognise that boys have a psychological need for a male role model - no matter how lousy a model it may be. I guess it would be even more traumatic for them to be rejected by by their father...although I suspect that when the dust settles their father will lose interest in them and pay little attention to them again.

Anyway, if there is someone out there who can offer me some advice, I would sure appreciate it. I don't want to turn into a permanently angry, bitter woman, but sometimes it is hard to see beyond this. Especially since the lout is trying to pull one over on me and must think I am the most stupid person in the world. He has misinterpreted my efforts to shield the children from any additional arguing as a sign of my weakness. As my attorney said, in divorce women want to be fair but men want to win. Any help out there? I have lost over twenty pounds, cannot get more than three or four hours sleep a night and am physically and emotionally exhausted... Thanks for reading this.

HI,
I've been there- done that and got beyond it
It is hard- I didn't have any real skills but I got a job- in fact got two
Get a cut throat lawyer- don't be nice- listen to your lawyer- go for it all- play to win because unfortunately it becomes a game
The kids don't need to be in it- this is a dissolution of a business- a marriage contract- it sounds cold but the truth
Don't be bitter- you have a life still. Think of it as a time for you now. Yes, you are exhausted- I wish i could give you a cup of tea and my shoulder to cry on
But look at yourself girl- you single handed raised your son - you have skills there-a hospice, a nursing home.
You will come throgh it- but get a tough lawyer
He has to support his kids- let him be the present bearing parent-just get a good lawyer
And hang in there-you are stronger than you think

Your husband has to report his money or assets, hidden or not. There are ways to investigate and find them. Ask your atty.

I know how scared you are. I was there at one time myself. It was awful and like you, I lost weight and couldn't sleep. It does get better and you find a way to make it on your own and will be a stronger woman for it. Just know that there are a lot of us here who understand.

Dear Foundhervoiceatlast:

Although I have no children, I was divorced in Colorado about 8 years ago, so I know some of the legalities you are presently experiencing. Emotionally, I’ve been there too, yet your emotion is more of a nurturing nature towards your children, to include their primary safety and livelihood.

Although you have an attorney who has most probably explained the process, I’m providing the below site that explains how the process can be a “success” for you from child support to financial support. No, I’m not referring you to another attorney, but hope that this information is helpful. Please review the child support calculator section under Articles, which is very detailed.

The Property section is very detailed too, and provides an example of what to expect.

http://www.codivorce.com/default.htm

MONEYWISE:

I would get a copy of all your taxes during the marriage – this will prove his income and the fact that you have been the primary caregiver for the children. Also, if you can obtain all the W-2s, 1099s, etc. throughout the marriage, this will be helpful. Provide this info to your attorney; he/she will know what to do with it.

Make a list of all bank accounts to include checking, savings, credit cards, etc. If you like, make a chart indicating whether joint or single. Obtain all the credit card statements; this will help prove who spends what and for whom.

Obtain all earning statements (both yours and his) from employment, these should help indicate where any other assets may be found (his retirement, investments, etc.).

Obtain a copy of both of your credit reports.

Provide this info to your attorney; he/she will know what to do with it.

EMPLOYMENT:

Ask your attorney if you really need to get a job, and if this benefit or hinder the situation.

You indicate that you are no longer qualified in your previous high tech career field. Perhaps you can search for work through a temp agency? That way you may have some flexibility through the divorce proceedings, some balance, and then perhaps you may find employment in your field that that has allowance for advancement and may assist with the education process.

This is a good reference regarding CO divorce laws, it also provides good case law:

http://www.colorado-family-law.com/

I hope some of this information helps!

Thanks so much for your responses. i guess that up until now I have not been an in-your-face-confrontational kind of person, except when it came to being an advocate for my children's health. I'm a peacemaker by nature, not a rabble rouser. I guess that's why this is so difficult. It's not that I am afraid to stand up for myself at this point, it's just that it takes a really heavy emotional toll on me. I'm sure this is true for most everyone though, that's why divorce is so high up on the stress list.

My husband has had the foresight to quit his job and put his assets and what I thought was our joint investments in his parents and his business partner's names, so that on paper it looks like they do not belong to him. Also, since Colorado is not a community property state, he is fighting not to split things equitably with me, claiming that since I did not bring in an income for the past 17 years I am not entitled to a 50/50 split. My understanding (after talking to 3+ attorneys) is that while he almost certainly won't get away with giving me nothing at all, he may actually be able to get away with the very minimum, maybe $200 a month in child support and nothing in spousal support unless he becomes gainfully employed soon. My attorney is trying to build a case that he is very capable of finding work, and has engineered this whole thing on purpose in order to get out of paying anything. Unfortunately the local county judge has a reputation for not being sympathetic to the plight of middle-aged women in this predicament...and the outcome of this may be very disappointing.

Funny thing here is that I am excited about going out on my own and certainly do not want to prolong my financial dependence on the ex. But it is obscene that after taking care of him for 20 years he wouldn't be required to help give me a fighting chance and help me get on my feet. I hate to say it, but I think that the women's liberation movement did us more harm than good. At least before we were guaranteed custody of our children and some kind of alimony. Now we are equally subject to losing our children, and in many cases given only 2-3 years to get up to full earning potential after a couple of decades of service and dedication to the family. Something is wrong with this picture.

Maybe you didn't bring in income but the circumstances of your child needing you constantly should bear some weight.
State laws vary- too bad you don't live in PA- if you're willing to fight here you can get it all
I wasn't willing to fight- just wanted my life
But my children were older
I wish you well

Pattyann -

I can understand wanting to just get it over with and move on with your life. It seems to me that so much valuable time is wasted on unproductive thoughts and behaviors. But a friend of mine who recently went through an ugly divorce advised me to think of this period as a temporary job; one that will help me get a financial footing so that I will be able to move on and ultimately have fewer regrets. I keep hearing stories from women who gave up the fight because it was too nasty and draining, and I am sometimes tempted to follow suit. But then I look at my children who are working part-time after school because of necessity - not because it is a cool thing to do - and I realize that I owe it to them to get the most I can out of this, within reason, of course. They are at an age where they have pretty clear cut ideas about justice,and what is right and wrong. They know that their dad is trying to shaft me because they see him conducting business deals on the sly (he must think they are deaf and blind!)when they are with him for the week, and they have mentioned it to me because they are outraged. I do not intend to involve them in this fight, but I also do not want them to see me roll over and play dead...I guess that at some point it could stop being worth it, but I am not there yet...