Went ino this TOPIC and low and behold nothing was here so I'll ask a question...Is there anyone in here that hasn't been divorced, is getting divorced or would like to be divorced? Strange word, divorced wonder where and how it originated.?

Hi Chatty:
I've been married for almost 21 yrs, now (only a month away from our 21st anniversary ). Although it isn't always easy, I believe LOVE IS A DECISION you make every single day of your life; a decision to love your partner and be faithful through it all. Who said marriage was a piece of cake, anyway?

I believe I have become a better person by learning to love and understand him and pray that our love keeps growing stronger each new day!

I totally agree with songbird. I've been married 27 years, and we've definitely had our ups and downs. But throughout have stayed the course. My parents were divorced when I was 10 and I know how devastating it can be to the children (me) Believe it or not, there are still times in my life where it becomes uncomfortable.
I totally realize that for some, divorce is definitely the way to go as staying together can sometimes be devastating as well.
I guess I was just lucky to find someone that I could grow up with instead of growing apart from. (We got married very young and the odds were against us, as well as some of the relatives

Chatty, Ross and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this summer. By the grace of God we are good for one another. We have grown together instead of apart because we take daily interest in each other's lives. I take pleasure in making him happy and he does the same for me. We're very blessed, but I have to say that it's something we always work on. We communicate all the time and we are one another's best friends. This may sound odd, but I often feel guilty(I was raised Catholic) because we have each other and are happily married. I wish so badly that some of my friends and family had the same. In many cases the woman is willing to work at a marriage, but the man isn't. That breaks my heart! Do they think happiness isn't worth the work?

On the lighter side....the word divorced....
comes from the fact that originally woman were "forced" into slave like relationships called marriage. Thus, in modern times....de-forced! Just a guess! Hardy Har!

I was married once and divorced...knew walking down the aisle I was making a mistake and did it anyway. Remarried and have been w/ my husband for 17 years. The last couple have been difficult beyond belief, but I believe he is the person for me and I was willing to forgive a great deal and keep trying. But if there is one service I could do for mankind it would be to give pre marital counseling to all of these young women who think that the wedding is the marriage.
They plan these elaborate expensive extravaganzas and are separated 6 months later. A wedding does not a marriage make. If they spent half the effort on the marriage that they did planning the wedding, the marriages would probably be okay.

Kathryn: I agree people should spend more time getting to know each other and their values, etc., instead of hurrying into marriage.

I've known some who hurried into marriage with DIVORCE as the "quick solution" if things didn't work out as to their expectations. I believe that attitude is plain selfish and a lack of maturity.

Although no marriage is exempt of problems, many can be avoided if we took the time to get to know each other before the I DO'S.

Okay, I admit it. I'm the one everyone it talking about--the bad example.
I've been divorced - three times. Hey , it happens. And if nothing else, I'm no quitter.

After the third divorce, I decided never to marry again. Actually I had a blast as a single person. I dated a lot, made a lot of friends, had several proposals, and was pretty happy.
Then I met Dan who had decided never again to remarry also. We fell in love, went off the deep end, and got married -- only a couple of weeks after we met. No planning. No big wedding. Nobody there but us--and God.

Dan has also been married before so so we knew the risk and we know another divorce is always a possibility, but we got married anyway.
So far, it's been a blast. We've been married a little more than a year and we've spent that time getting to know each other. We are falling more in love every day. We both know for sure that we can survive single but we want to be togehter and we're planning on a bright tomorrow.
It's been a blessing. I would recommend it.

Back to divorce, I believe it to be very much like major surgery. It can be elective or even life saving. Either way, you may awaken with part of yourself gone. And you may rid yourself of a diseased or ugly part. But the surgery itself can be fatal.
If you survive the surgery, you will have endured a terribly painful experience with a prolonged recovery time.
I guess like everything else, you just have to weigh the options and make the best decision possible with the information you have and leave the rest up to God.
In many cases, divorce is a gift from God. So is marriage.
smile

[ October 28, 2004, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

thank God I had surgery and removed the wort...

What?

I had a smile on my face entering this topic with Jawjaw's name next to it.

She didn't let me down. I laughed again while sitting in front of the screen. Thanks Queenie!

Kath, I agree about the pre-marital counseling. Great point. We need to make these kids aware of what they're getting into. Especially before they have kids!

Smile, we'd never talk about you! Never! I'm so glad you've found such happiness in this marriage. It helps when you have God right smack in the middle.

Well...okay...I guess I can open up here better than anywhere.

Husband # 1 was a casualty of Viet Nam.

Husband # 2 Couldn't keep his pants zipped and just cheated all the time. Married to him for 13 very long years.

Husband # 3 was the abuser and it only lasted one year. Tried to have it annulled but my atty. wouldn't let me.

Husband # 4 is my current husband and will be my last husband. Have been married 10 years and although he showed some signs of getting really strange on me, he's straightened out and is becoming the man I fell in love with, only better.

You know, it can be embarrassing to say, "Hey, I'm on my fourth husband!" but I know women my age who have never been married and are very much ashamed to tell anyone. I guess we can't win, can we?

So, hope you continue to love me although I'm a used up, over-married old hag. It works for me. If something happened to my husband, I'd NEVER, EVER, EVER get married again!

Diane...what's NOT to love? You and SMILES are adored by everyone in here...you're my buds!



JJ

Hey Dianne, I say, what we lost in quality, we made up for in quantity. Besides you oughtta' get a few to practice on--Okay, maybe we got more than a few, but even four is less than a herd. We're still practicing.
smile

Dianne, so sorry about husband #1. How long had you been married? Do you mind telling us about it? It might make a good topic in the Loss forum. There are probably other Viet Nam stories that could be added.

Have you ever written about it? It would make a great Boomer Women Speak story. I received one from a woman whose boyfriend died in Viet Nam, but it was really weird. Too weird to consider. Just a thought.

I guess I never talk about husband # 1 because when I say he was a casualty of Nam, I mean a mental casualty. It ruined him. Lost his mind. Had PTSD something awful. Got crazy. Started drinking. Imagined things. Looney tunes. Is still looney tunes. Shot bullets into the ceiling of our house. Scared the kids to death. So, that's what I mean when I say casualty. In a way, I think what happened to him is worse than death. He's ruined for life but I couldn't let him ruin me or our kids. He never tried to get better or work through it. He's remarried and she kicked him out of the house recently after years of his craziness. Anyway, enough about him. Very depressing.

Oh Dianne, I'm sorry I asked. Didn't mean to make you go through all that explanation. I'm so concerned for our troops who are fighting this war. I pray they get the support when they return home.

Viet Nam is such a part of the coming of age experience for boomers. Seems like there would be more posts about it.

I have little to add about that time. I was married young and that along with children born to my husband helped him escape the draft. No one I knew well was in the war.

Later I was involved with a man who was a Viet Nam veteran and was quite traumatized. He died recently. I am unsure how much his Viet Nam experience contributed to the condition from which he died. He had nightmares and spoke of throwing injured soldiers from a helicopter which bothered him a lot.

I wonder if other boomer mates had Nam experiences and how they responded
smile

We've been married for thirty years. Seems like yesterday. Its had its ups and downs but we work it out by talking.
Have had many friends who served in Viet Nam.
In fact we lost classmates over there pretty sad.
My brother in law served and he too was never quite right after being there. He died of a heart attack about three years ago.
Maggie

Howdy sisters,

Most of you seem to have married quite young. I guess I never met anyone I wanted to marry before age 30 though I did have plenty of boyfriends over the years. There was one I would have married when I was 24 or so but he didn't want to marry me!

I met my husband when I was 28 and even then I was happy enough plodding along until he pushed for marriage. I met him when I was working in UK and I guess the fact that he was Irish and eventually wanted to go back just like I did, was some of the attraction! Also, I was pretty mad and unfocused and he was (still is) singleminded, serious and knows what he wants! He said he knew he wanted to marry me from the time we met (Mad man!).

Eventually at 34, I gave in. We returned to Ireland and it was great being back in the insanity of my family! My Dad was so proud to walk me, his only daughter, up the aisle and I am sure glad he got the opportunity. He was diagnosed with cancer and died shortly after.

I have been married 4 years now and although I love my hubby, what a struggle that has been! I thought at one point that I wanted a divorce and we were only married 2 years then!!! Also It is EXTREMELY hard to get a divorce in Ireland, being such a catholic country. Divorce has only been introduced in the last few years!

I had spend the first two years of my marriage literally crying and walking on eggshells.

We were going along fine for years, until we tied the knot and then the s-it hit the fan!! I don't think that I changed but I think that he did.

It was like I became one of his possessions or something and he seemed to be jealous of everything, including my mother, the dog, my friends!! He also expected me to do all the housework even though I have a full time day job and like to write and walk dogs in the evenings! We were always rowing about my alleged terrible housekeeping skills. He kept bringing up that as he earned 4 times as much as me and more, it was purely my duty to do ALL housework, no matter what.

Also, as we have not become pregnant, he blamed me a lot. In the end, we had to go for marriage counselling because we were both ready to either kill each other or walk away!! Thankfully we got through it all after 9 months of counselling (do you spell that word differently over there?) and we have emerged stronger for it. We seem to be making a go of things now, though we do still have our ups and downs!!! The counsellor also pointed out that it doesn't matter if he earned a million more than me or me than him, we should be sharing household duties as intimacy begins in the kitchen!!! Well, it does NOW anyway! :-)

I think marriage has to be worked at and a lot of it has to do with good communication. I would certainly recommend marriage counselling to any couples that are in trouble! If there is anything to be saved, this will help and if there isn't the counsellor can give advice on seperation and divorce etc.

'Pósta' Gaelic for 'Married'

Bye for now

Clairey xx

Claire, what a wise woman you are to get help. You hit the nail on the head about communicating, housework, and getting help for our marriages.

I didn't realize divorce was something relatively new in Ireland. That's where this country was when boomers were growing up. I hope your country doesn't follow in our footsteps.

Keep working at that marriage and remember to stand up for your needs within your home.

My husband and I went through 4 years of infertility. We now have a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter (both adopted from Korea as infants)...and a 16 year old son that I gave birth to shortly after our daughter arrived from Korea.

Dotsie, It's only since 1997 that divorce has been lawful in Ireland and even then, it's a difficult process, in the technical sense. I don't know all the ins and outs and I hope I won't have to! Sometimes Ireland seems so backward compared to US but then it is a much, much smaller country.We are now one of the richest small European Countries with the Celtic Tiger and all that stuff though. Dotsie, I think we probably will follow the way of the US where divorce and other matters are concerned. The UK always follow first and then it filters through to Ireland eventually.
Dotsie, that's lovely about your kids. We haven't even thought of adoption or anything. WE are leaving it to nature at the moment and hoping for the best. I guess at 38 though, I don't have loads more time. In saying that, my cousin had her first baby at 40 and her second at 43. I don't know.
Do you think that people in US generally marry quite young - for the first time anyway?

Clairey

Smile, Dianne and all....this topic was not mentioned to hurt or belittle anyone here. I admire the women who keep trying no matter how awful the last experience was. It shows courage and faith to me. My ist husband died young, my second and I were together 14 years, I was happy and would have remained with him but he and my eldest son were dangerous around one another. He was a drinker and couldn't be reasoned with so I said goodbye. Now my third try was the worst of the three. I remained unmarried anter #2 for 14 years and was celibut but decided to try again and #3 had all the right answers and said all the right things and was a big fat LIAR!. We remained married 6 years and have been divorced now for 3 years and guess what I am still celibut....Figure that one. Would I try again? If I dd I would do it the way I buy shoes, try them on first, hahah aha!

Chatty,
You're right. Marriage is a lot like buying shoes. I've bought shoes right off the rack and sometimes they fit perfectly and other times they pinched.
I've tried shoes on and they felt wonderful in the store then they nearly killed me the moment I walked out of the store. Other times, they felt great and I wore them forever.

Same with marriage. You live with a guy and it feels great then you marry them thinking you have a perfect fit and sometimes it nearly kills you.

Sometimes you just meet a guy and you marry him and it's a perfect fit. Other times you wish you had tried him on first.

There doesn't seem to be a perfect way to buy shoes or find a husband either.
smile

Claire, I got married at 26 and felt I was too young. I knew almost no one who got married before they graduated college at 22.

You are all going to think I was crazy, but I got married at 17. We are the excetion to the rule because we are still together. I know we were lucky and I definitely would not reccommend it even though it has worked for us. It was hard at times but worth it. I cant even imagine being married to anyone else. Like I said, we were lucky. It could have turned out very bad.

Claire, I think our generation married younger than the recent generation. Young adults seem to waiting until they are satisfied with their careers and educations.

I married at 21 and Ross was a few weeks shy of 24. He was my brother's friend and had been coming around the house for years. There came a time when my brother's friends and mine started mingling. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Still married 25 wonderful years later! I feel blessed.

First marriage, never divorced. Thank goodness. Married at 27 so we are going on 20 years.

Lived together for 5 before marriage. And actually lived aboard the same ship as crew for 3 before that so we knew alot about each other.

I just knew he would last. He is a bit older than me but it works for us. Has not been smooth sailing but we have worked our way around the mountains and canyons.

Can't have the highs without the lows.

Lynn

Other than my current husband who seemed to go through a personal crisis for two years, this marriage has been wonderful. I feel like I have him back again. He jokes, laughs and is the man I fell in love with 12 years ago. I'm not sure why but he FINALLY decided to put our marriage first, over his grown sons. Maybe it was something I said or maybe it was the divorce papers. I don't know but something worked. It was a very scary, sad time for me tho. I don't trust as easily and I don't bend as easily anymore either. I've become very adamant about some things and it's usually involving protecting my spirit and soul. I'm no longer afraid. I have regained my personal power. Can't believe I allowed two men in their 30's and their father to rule my life like they did or how I allowed them to. I'm free at last!

Dianne, I'm so glad your marriage is feeling stronger. I believe you communicated to your husband over and over again that you must take priority over his 30 year old sons and you won't let them walk all over you. He's listening! I'm glad you stuck with it and he's now more like the guy you married!

Protecting your spirit and soul worked.

Dianne, good for you, you were able to stick it out and have won what you always deserved, the respect and love of your husband. I do believe your filing for divorce make him realize you were not going to take it anymore...A person, especially a woman needs to set bounderies of what she'll take and what she won't take.

Claire, in reading this I realized that you have no children as yet. Something I posted in another area about having to be a mother to understand would seem nasty if I knew then what I know now. I DIDN'T KNOW and hope I didn't hurt your feeling in the other post about protecting ones children from harm....I may be argumentative at times but would NEVER intentionally hurt or try to hurt anyones feelings.....

Chatty Lady
Don't worry. I am argumentative myself but likewise, I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally. I KNOW you didn't realise when you wrote that. Don't worry about it. It used to be a sensitive issue for me, especially when people are always asking if we are going to have kids etc but now I just say 'who knows, we are leaving it to God and nature'. I am 38 but there is still time and it may happen. It's in God's hands.
All the best Chatty Lady and thanks for being so thoughtful (If argumentative!!) :-)

Grá (love)

Claire xx

I'm on my second time around. It's just like Frank Sinatra sang about. The first time, I married my high school sweetheart. We were married for 19 years. I was single again for 5 years when I met my 2nd husband. We dated (or whatever you call it at this age) for about 7 years before we got married. We didn't rush into this by any means. We are going on our 5th year in a couple of months. It really is different the second time. We are each other's best friend. I think that is so important. We have a lot of communication, we laugh a lot, and we enjoy each other's company. (He also cooks, cleans and does the grocery shopping ) Life doesn't get any better than that. I did all that the first time around.

But, I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Every once in a while I revert to June Cleaver, but it never lasts.
Louisa

I just love HAPPY endings don't you? I wish one for all my friends and one for me as well. I keep waiting for my 1st husband to msteralize in another man, he promised me before he died that he would come back to me if he could....

Chatty, I bet you're just waiting for tha tto happen. No wonder! Your posts about him are so touching. Isn't it hard to accept what the Lord offers at times?

I've been married to my first husband for almost 23 years.

Of course, nothing is guaranteed but to tell you the truth, I was more worried about buying a house in 1982 at a 16 3/4 interest rate and taking on that debt than I was worried about getting married. We'd gone together for eight years, were approaching 30, and just decided that it was time. We've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't want to try to get through this thing called life with anybody else but him by my side. We're still living in that starter home. Oh, and we have two GORGEOUS daughters too.

Misfire, remember those interest rates? Unbelievable... And then everyone refinancing as they came down? That was the good part!

How old are your girls?

I think if you read Misfire's quote,

We cannot direct the wind, but
We can learn how to adjust our sails

you'll better understand why her marriage works. I read it over again every time she's got a post.

Thanks gal, I love the positive that always flows from you.

JJ

Looks like Dianne and Dian are in a race:

Hubby #1 I divorced because I was young and stupid. If I knew then what I know now, we would still be together. We had a daughter together and are friends today.

Hubby #2 Was an alcoholic abuser who died two years after we divorced from an exploded liver. The alcohol ate his brain.

Hubby #3 is really almost hubby #4 because we dated for 4 1/2 years as kids before breaking up and marrying other people. Problem is, we have so much baggage we're almost killing each other mentally. But, I'm determined to give it my best, and he is working on it, too. So we'll see. Feel like an actor in a soap-opera.

Dian, talk about similar stories....

My #1 husband died at a young age, he is the one I would have never parted from and loved unbelievably...since I was 16.

My #2 was an alcoholic who after our divorce died from booze as well.

My #3 is a joke, should have never happened. We've been divorced since 2001. Now he's back trying to make nice BUT as you say TOO much baggage there, we pretend to get along at best.

“It’s Over”

There is no love left in this house.
Our house in no longer a home.
It is full of:
Shattered dreams
Bad memories
Wasted hopes
Too may lies
Tearful nights
Lonely days
Hopeless tomorrows
Bitter yesterdays
No flames of life
Only the flicker of…
Goodbye.

(c)Eve Hall 2000

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER WRITTEN

Evelyn you hit the nails right on their heads with this one. Every word is true, sad but true...fantastic.

You said it . I love that one also. I have been married to the same man for 33 years . I guess I had more ups then downs . I had women always chasing after him. He just came home to me. Good Think. Ha!

OK, I'll weigh in with my two cents here.

Got married at 19 to my high school sweetheart. He turned out to be abusive and I left after two LONG years. I only stayed that long because I was raised to believe that "I do" meant "for always."

Got married again at 23. The first dozen or so years were pretty good. Stayed married for 18 years, until he had his "mid-life crisis." He ended up marrying his "girlfriend", a lady 12 years my junior and blonde. And he, who had never wanted any children, is suddenly a doting dad.

Marriage number one I don't really count. It was another lifetime ago when I was just a child.

Marriage number two, I'm the one who moved out of the "marital home." Told him I was taking an apartment for a couple of months, so we could decide where we were headed. I knew it would most likely lead to "the end," but I just couldn't take the scowling looks and the silence when he WAS home, and making excuses to family and friends any longer. As a side note, I told him I wanted to move out three weeks before I actually did it, and he never asked me not to go.

So, here I am, in mid-life, twice divorced, no kids. And rather than bemoaning the fact, I'm celebrating it.

Now, I do wonder if I'll regret not having children when I get older. But, can you really "miss" something you never had?

I'm not trying to downplay the joys of marriage when it's good. Any more than I'm trying to "up-play" the joys of being single, because it's not "all" fun and games.

All stages of life can be good. And all things considered, I truly consider this the best time of my life so far. I feel like I'm beginning another "stage", and I intend to enjoy the heck out of it!

And JawJaw, I loved your comment, you made me laugh out loud. Amen!

Whirlwind

Whirlwind,
We never know where life is going to take us. You did what was best for you . I left my husband twice and came back. Things got better after I told him off. My husband had been married before with two Children an one child was killed by a train . His son. His one daughter lives out of town . He does not get to see his grandchildren . We do have a daughter by me. She is a lovely devoted daughter and live close to us.

Do you have any sisters ? Any niece or nephews.? You maybe can help them out. Just some thoughts. If you are happy they way you are so be it. YOu sound like a lovely and caring person .

Do what makes you happy.I say!

Missed this post so will chime in now.

I have been married to John for almost 20 years. I am his third wife and he is my first. All ex wives are friends of both of ours and can count on them when needed.

I, too, feel blessed to have found "my guy" although "pieceof cake" does not describe our marriage. It is lots of work but the rewards are immeasurable. Same as kids.

For those of you who have multiple marriages: at least you got into the dance and gave it a chance! I always give points for trying.

It is the people who are afraid to try that I worry about.

Lynn

Lynn, you mention a good point. Marriage is hard work. I think many people believe great marriages just happen. They don't, you have to work at it. One of the problems I see is that for the most part we were never told how to work at a marriage. It's something you have to figure out for yourself.

I always feel sorry for the women who are willing to work at it, but their spouse isn't. that's heart breaking!

So far what I have contributed to this marriage has, for the most part, been fun. Actually I think my husband has done more work than I have especially since my surgery, but he says he's learning some new things and seems pretty cheerful about it.
I can't seem to approach marriage as a job or work (been there, done that). Puts too much stress on me to do it well. I think I do better approaching it as an adventure which like about all fun results from a degree of effort. It seems a lot less pressure to view it as something pleasurable over which I have little control.
smile