I wrote about my son in a post quite a while ago. He has been in jail now for just under a year. He gets out middle of November. My son was arrested for a couple of break and enters. He is/was a drug addict addicted to crack cocaine. He has been addicted to drugs heavily since age 15. I have two other children 13 and 14 (they are good kids), my eldest is 22. I am a single parent and have been divorced for 10 years.
Here is my problem. I kicked my son out of the house when he was 18. I did everything I could to help him but my other two were suffering from the chaos in our house. I was emotionally drained. I had to call the police many times (neighbors also called) because he was out of control and I could not reason with him. Off and on since he was 18 he kept coming home and would refuse to leave. I would give him more and more chances but he did not change. The year before last the police were constantly at my house taking him away. It was a horrible time. My two children at home were of course tramatized especially my youngest the 13 year old as he experienced abuse from my son. My eldest was abused by his Dad and had alot of anger and emotional issues that he dealt with by getting high instead of getting help.
When he gets out he wants to come to my house for a week to get ready for a treatment centre he is attending. He does not know where I live. Just before he got arrested the last time I moved and would not tell him where I was living on the advice of the police. My son says he needs to come home to get proper ID, he lost all his plus see a dentist (he is in need of two root canals) He says he will only be staying for a week and then will be going to the treatment centre in another city. My kids don't really want him to stay here. My daughter doesn't mind for a week but my son wants to stay with his father and I don't blame him. My eldest son has no where to go when he gets out. He can't stay with his Dad because his Dad has basically disowned him, and he doesn't want to. His friends are all drug addicts so he doesn't want to stay with them, too dangerous. He has done his time, says he has learned his lesson, wants to go to treatment and then go back to school. I don't want to tell him he can't stay here because he has had a really hard time in jail (was assaulted many times) and he should be given a chance. We all deserve another chance and I want to be supportive but not enabling which I was before. In the past he has said many times that he is going to change but when I let him come home, it would fall apart very quickly. I am at a loss as to what to do. I want to set some boundaries with my son before he gets out but don't want to treat him like I did before. After all it has been a year and he seems to have matured alot while in jail. I hope he has changed but if he hasn't and he won't leave my house when I want him to the situation could quickly turn into the way it was a year ago.
I believe that you should forgive and forget but.... If it was just me I would not be so concerned, but I have my other children to think about. If it were you, would you give him another chance? He says he is excited about treatment and getting out of jail and can't wait to start his life.
I'm really torn and could use some feedback.
thanks,
Katebc

Hi, Kate: Would the treatment be a condition to your son's release? Perhaps you could speak to officials at the prison and the treatment centre with regards to halfway homes wherein he could stay in the meantime. As your son would technically be classified as of "non-fixed abode" if he has no place to go to after release, it might also be helpful to seek advice from homeless shelters or institutions of that ilk. I pray that all goes well.

Hi, Kate: Here's a link to Daytop International. Although they are NY-based, they seem to have facilities in Canada as well. www.daytop.org

Kate, I would also like to know the answer to Lola's question because if he must get into rehad to stay out of jail, then he would have to leave your home in a week, right? Has that been mandated by the court system?

My heart aches for you as a mom who wants to do what is best for her child. I am praying for all of you.

I'll be back after you answer because that ha a lot to do with whether or not you should let him live there.

Also, if he does have to go to rehab, can't you speak with someone and recommend he go directly to treatment?

Kate,

What a difficult situation. I can honestly say I don't know what I would do. I understand that you love all of your children and want what's best for them and I understand the conflict.

My best advice is to Pray and listen to your heart. Although neither or the solutions is 'good' or 'easy', one of them will feel better to you. That is the one to do.

Or maybe there's a 3rd option. Could you possibly get a room somewhere for the week for you and your son to spend some alone time and get reaquainted without your other children being there and without your son coming to your home? Just a thought.

Listen to your heart...you'll know the best thing to do.

I was thinking what Jane suggested...get him a room somewhere and meet him on that nuetral ground. The main problem I see is he hasn't proven himself but then, he hasn't had the opportunity to this time either. And, I know you're worried that if you don't help, he might have no place to go and end up with his old friends out of desperation.

What about a church? Maybe they have someone who has been trained in this area that would be willing to take him in for this week.

You poor thing. This must be so confusing for you.

Thank you everyone. I think I am going to talk to the jail and see if I can make contact with the drug and alcohol counsellor at the facility. Usually they don't allow that so I may not get anywhere. My other thought is to contact our old counsellor and discuss some options with him. He may be able to contact the jail on my behalf because he is a professional. Because my son has done his time and will not be on parole when he gets out they cannot make him do anything. It is totally up to him whether he goes for treatment etc. That is the problem. If he comes to my house I won't be able to get him out. Don't know if you've heard much about unwanted guests but if you let someone live at your house even without paying rent they can stay put. It takes months to get them out and you have to go through the court system. Be careful who you help. Anyway your ideas are helpful. I will even look into renting him a place for the week although that will be expensive in the city I live in.
Will keep you posted.
Katebc

Kate,

Sounds like you're thinking things through. I know you will make the right decision.

Kate,
I have nothing to offer that the ladies here have not covered. But I will be adding all of you to my prayer list. I wish for you the best possible outcome and I do totally understand. I have two boys and you NEVER stop loving or helping your children.

JJ

Just wanted to let you know that my son is out of jail. Things are going ok although I just picked him up on Sunday morning.
He has stacks of paper with lots of plans and I'm just trying to keep him focused. He has changed quite a bit in that he never wants to go to jail again. The horrible time he had in there was a good and bad thing. He doesn't seem negative about it though and said it had to happen for him to get it. These are early days yet and he will be with me for two weeks then off to treatment. The good thing is the first two to three weeks after getting out are usually not bad. He has been in jail before but only for a month. This time it was a year. Getting him to treatment a.s.a.p is the main thing. He doesn't have to go but says he wants to so that is a positive thing. Thanks for all your concern and prayers. I will keep you posted for sure.
The other wonderful thing is that he has made a connection with my youngest son who really didn't want to see him. They are getting on like a house on fire. I am sooooo happy about this as it is healing for both of them.
katebc

I'm so happy to hear this. I'll be keeping all of you in my thoughts. Praying too.

Kate what about a halfway house where he will get guidance and counseling from professonals. I would definitely make going to drug rehab a part of his release, if he messes up, he goes right back to jail. You have been tyere fior him time and again NOW its his turn to PROVE to you and everyone he means what he says. Good intentions and a quarter won't get him a ride on the bus. I will pray that he has finally grown up and knows its worse inside jail than outside....

So happy your family is united again, Kate, and that your sons are getting along so well. I think Chatty has some good advice there. Just go on the safe side. It wouldn't hurt to take extra precautions, so that your son won't go back to his old ways.

Going to treatment is not in any order from court. My son has done his time and basically has no conditions. He is going to treatment voluntarily. It's a 10 week program. After that he is going to a half way type house where he can live in a supportive place to keep him on the right track, help him get a job, finish his high school, learn life skills etc. He has slipped up many times before but a year in jail has made a big difference. He had a horrible time in there, was beat up a few times and a guy tried to have sex with him after trying to be his friend. Lots of other yucky stuff. A parents worse nightmare and his unfortunately. The difference with me this time is I'm letting him OWN his choices. If he messes up again it's his mess. I hope not but I'm stepping back from the situation. I used to be too involved and then he would blame me when things didn't work out. I have learned alot since he has been in custody. I've cut the ties in some ways but will still be there for him when he needs me, just not in an enabling way. After treatment he knows that he cannot come home to live. It's time for him to be responsible and move forward. I have two other young teens to parent. Thank God they are good kids, never been in any trouble and have great friends. I don'think I'd be able to take it if I had to go through the drug addiction scene again. I don't have it in me. It's been nine years of pain with my eldest.
Katebc

Katebcca,

Sounds like he has grown up a lot. I'm glad he wants treatment this time. Just remember to take care of yourself during all of this!

Kate, sounds like his year in jail helped your growth too. You are smart to let him take the reigns. My prayer is that he follows through with treatment and is able to get a job shortly thereafter. I am so proud of you for making it through that rough year too. May God shower you and your family with more blessings this Thanksgiving!

I have a dear friend whose son is in jail. He's been in about amontha nd also has a year. Any suggestions for her?

Hi Dotsie,
I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions for your friend whose son is in jail, other than to move on with her life. Sounds harsh but he made the choice and we as parents can not help them once they are in jail. They have to find out the hard way. It's really sad and can eat you up if you don't get some perspective. I have been dealing with an acting out drug addicted son since age 13. At age 15 he got into hard drugs and has been in and out of jail ever since. Usually for short stays. As a mother it is really hard not to worry while they are in there. Jail is a horrible place. If your strong and mix well you should be ok. My son is very skinny due to drug use and isolated himself so he got picked on many times.
I'm sorry to say that his good behaviour was short lived. He was high last night but I didn't say anything because I had no proof. After work today I came home and he had left his MSN on. There were things that he wrote that confirmed what I had thought. He was arranging to meet up with a friend to go drinking and buy drugs. This morning he was in a really foul mood and started yelling at me because I didn't wake him up. I now believe he was high last night. So now that I know, what should I do? I also found out that he has not set treatment up. He says he will on November 22 because he wants to get two welfare cheques so he can buy stuff. Not sensible stuff though, an IPOD and toys. He has not changed much. The addiction is just too strong. If he had received help and counselling in jail he may be better but all he did was sit in a cell watching TV. He said he will never get involved with crime again. I guess jail taught him that, but the drugs and alcohol are still too tempting for him. I am crushed, but I can't say I didn't half expect it.
Hi Dad lives close by and I phoned him and told him what's going on. He never takes my son and has a lousy relationship with him but I think I should tell my son that he has to stay somewhere else now. Either his Dad's or a friends. His Dad was an alcoholic and knows what addiction is all about so he sympathizes with him but never does anything for him. Now that I know what he is up to I just want him out.
What do you think?
Kate

Kate-
I am so sorry. I think you have to hold him accountable for his actions and let him know your disappointment in his choices. And then I think I would give him his consequence. It sounds like he has had many many chances to make it right and keeps going back. I live with a recovering alcoholic.In my mind, it is all the same - just a different drug of choice. Its time for some tough love. Unfortunately, they have to hit their bottom, and even tho he was in jail, it sounds like he still has not hit. My heart aches for you. It will take strength to follow thru. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Maybe you need someone who can help you stay strong.I will keep you in my prayers.

Kate, I am so sorry to hear your news. I think crafty is right. Be strong and tell him he must leave. The thought of him ruining your home life again sickens me. It's so unfair. I'm praying you get the help you need to be strong and follow through. I know how draining this can be for you. I've witnessed my friend going through all her ups and downs, and they all revolve around what's going on with her addicted son. Please know we are cheering for you and want you to remain healthy.

Kate, I think self-preservation should be at the top of your list. You have to be strong and in control for your other son. It would be awful if he were to be influenced in a bad way.
I think I'd do everything to try to prevent my second son from using drugs, and that probably means to distance your small family from your older son. My heart goes out to you. It must be terribly difficult.

Thanks, I asked my son to leave for a few days. I suggested his fathers. He agreed although reluctantly. I told him in order to come back he must have treatment set up by Monday at the latest. That requires him to go down to the drug and alcohol office. They are the only place that will give him a referral. Without this referral the treatment centre won't take him. He has been putting this off but agreed to go on Monday morning. When he has the paperwork he can come back until he gets called in. They put them on a waiting list. He can only stay until the 28th of November and he knows this. He should get called within 7 days at the latest. I know his visit at his fathers will be a disaster and he probably won't end up staying there but at least he may realize how much I do for him. He told me alot of what I read on his msn was joking around. He said he does plan to have some drinks tonight as it is his birthday party with his friends. If all goes well he will be in treatment on his birthday (Nov 30) We did have a good talk at least and he told me that I don't understand how hard it is for him. He says he is really tempted but has not done much. Told me he smoked a joint at his friends but that is it. He says because he is going to treatment he wants to have a good time at his party which will include drinking. He tells me that he is almost 22 and that is what 22 year old guys do. Says I just don't understand how hard it is for him. I told him I do understand but that he is an unhealthy 22 year old with addictions and he should not be drinking or smoking pot. I think he realizes this but just doesn't want to face up to it. He has been addicted to drugs and alcohol since age 15. Crack cocaine mainly. I know it must be really hard for him to have all this freedom now especially since he did not get any counseling in jail. Anyway the good thing is he took my request to go to his Dad's and agreed to leave. This is very unlike him. In the past he would yells and scream and break things and refuse to leave basically holding us hostage. I had to call the police to remove him a few times and often the neighbors would beat me to it. He said he is trying his best. So we will see how it goes next week.
The one thing I did learn when dealing with this situation is if you give them a time out, basically say you have to leave for a few days, they seem to go along with this and then behave better at least for a while. If you kick them out with no chance of returning, they dig their heels in and refuse and then it gets messy. I wish I knew this years ago as I think it would have helped. In the end though you can only give them so many changes and then you just have to shut the door and don't let them back until they have been clean for at least a year.
Thanks for your concern.
Kate

Sometimes I believe those whose children turn out just right, no problems to speak of, forget how lucky they really are. Reading posts like these bring that 'luck' to the forefront. It doesn't matter during those times of trouble what kind of parenting was done; but I truly believe that in the long run, our good parenting will surface eventually. At least I hope so!

I hope so too! I have to think that we could be the best parents in the world sometimes and all it takes is our children hooking up with a bad crowd or even just one wrong friend. Peer pressure is way harder these days than it was 30 years ago. I sometimes wonder what my grandchildren (when I have them) will have to deal with in this world.

kate, I think one of the hardest things for him right now is picking up with his old buddies. How can he put himself back in that social setting and not expect to pick up old habits?

I know a person who kicked a Cocaine addiciton by picking up and leaving town. Environment has so much to do with it.

I pray he gets treatment beginning Monday and that he makes a new set of friends that are drug free that he can hang out with when rehab is over.

Yes, I do too. I just found out that he did not stay with his Dad last night. He called my house and I have caller ID and he was calling from his friends. They live at a crack house. He is doing what I asked though and staying away from my house. Knowing the history with his Dad the only other place to go is to his old friends. He thinks he can handle it and just do a small amount of drugs. We all know that this is a recipe for disaster. All I can do is stay strong on the home front and hope he gets to treatment soon. We are just waiting for the call as he is on a waiting list. Hopefully by Friday he will be gone, but, there are no guarantees. The list three times he went to treatment he only lasted a week. I hope this time is more successful. I'm praying for that outcome, but, it is totally up to him.
Kate

Kate, you are so right. It is totally up to him. Come here if you feel weakened and we will give you strength to stand your ground.

Kate, you're not alone. My son may as well be in prison, as he has been out of my life since he began using cocaine some 12 years ago. I have spent many sleepless nights searching my soul and wondering if it was in some way my fault, but I know it wasn't whenever I see my older son. We do the best we can as parents raising our children but there comes a time when their 'free will' takes over and we are little more than spectators in the lives they chose for themselves. Hang tough, I have it takes time, hope and plenty of prayer.

Thanks Chatty,
I'm sorry about your son. We go on but it's painful all the same.
I just called mine at home and he is still there, just getting up at 2pm. He is supposed to go get a referral for treatment but is not doing this. Until this is done the treatment centre won't give him a bed. He is procrastinating and I will have no choice but to ask him to leave again. Of course he is really mad that I am asking him to go get this set up. Says to stop nagging him. I just told him I'm not nagging him I'm just reminding him to do what he said he is going to do. He is always angry with me. So is my Mom. I feel so depressed this week. Since my Mom found out about my boyfriend and said all those nasty things about him, I felt really down. Now my son doesn't seem to be going through with his plans. Last night we had a birthday party for him and he didn't even show up. When I gave him his gifts later, he didn't even said thank you. It's one of those weeks and I just can't seem to snap out of my slump. I'm usually a very positive person but my Mom and my son are really draining me. I fantasize about jumping on a plane and going somewhere, anywhere just to get away from them. If I didn't have my two other children I probably would.
Kate

Kate, I don't blame you for your fantasy. It's probably a healthy one at this point. I recommend doing something nice for yourself. Maybe you can't hop on a plane, but can you meet a friend for lunch, go to a funny movie, escape with a good book, take a bubble bath, go to a religious ceremony? Ladies, waht else could Kate do to help herself. I want her to have a joyous Thanksgiving.

Thanks Dotsie,
I'm Canadian so already had our Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a nice American Thanksgiving though. My wonderful boyfriend has bought me plane tickets as he knows I need to get away. I will be going to a ski resort for a week with him where he lives. He lives in the east coast, I live on the West coast just above Seattle. He will take good care of me and will make sure I'm pampered. I've been on my own for 10 years so having him around is quite special. I have to pinch myself at times. Although he lives 3,000 miles away we talk daily and he is very supportive. Also, I belong to a group of women that got together when we all had acting out young teens. Most were quite serious cases, drug addiction, prostitution, nothing nice and simple. There was a group in town supported by the United Way that sets up these types of places for parents that are at their wits end, although it's totally run by volunteers. Our group decided to meet for coffee once a week to just discuss ourselves, rather than our kids. We have been meeting every Saturday morning for 7 years now. Most of our kids have moved past their issues but a couple, including mine have not. Anyway, for our birthdays we all get together and for the big ones, (mine was 50) we give $100 gift certificates to a spa. So, I got one and just have to get myself to go. I am very thankful for these women and others in my life, including this forum.
It's amazing though with such support sometimes you still feel alone and on your own as only you can make decisions and choices when it comes to your kids. I told my son he has until November 28th. That will mean that I have left him live at my home, rent free for 16 days. It only takes 7 to 10 days to get into treatment. He has been dragging his heels, out at night drinking and possibly using drugs. After the 28th he cannot stay any longer. I plan to have my locks changed as I know he has a key and probably made copies. I told him I hope he sticks to his plan but that I understand whatever he does it is his choice. He had a huge list when he got out of jail but ignores it now. It is my choice as to what is acceptable behavior in my home so as long as he is respectful he can stay until the 28th. After that he is on his own. My old self would nag him, drive him to set up appointments, do anything to keep him on track. But, it never worked. I was just run ragged and he continued to take advantage. At the end of the month he is 22 and keeps telling me to stay out of his business as he is an adult. So that is what I plan to do. I told him what I expect and if he follows through that's great, but if he doesn't he is on his own. A tough decision but one I had to make for myself and my other children.
Thanks everyone for your comments and concern and I will keep you posted. I hope this is helpful to others going through similar situations. We cannot save them by doing everything for them, I learned that the hard way by enabling him for years thinking I was helping.
Kate

I'm so sorry to hear he's drinking again. But Kate, you are so right about doing everything for them. It just doesn't work and we get used. I really, truly hope it works out this time for both of you. I know it's very stressful.

Oh Kate - I am so sorry. Do something positive for yourself. How about a nice massage? You need to take care of yourself and try to stay positive. I do hope that you will seek someone to speak with for your own sanity. It really does help and you need an out. How old are your other children? Can you take them somewhere for a weekend?

Kate, I am so grateful to hear you have that group. I'm sure you have all been instrumental in holding one another together through the years.

I'm ok for now thanks. When I went home from work yesterday my son was home and made a real effort to be nice. Usually he is anti-social. Not sure what's up with that. A guy I talked to said he may have needed to get it out of his system and now he will be ready to go. He has packed up all his stuff and is just awaiting the call. Went to his appointments today. I'm not sure what made him change his attitude but for now he is doing ok, staying home and being cooperative so I will take what I can get, one day at a time though. He could change again by tomorrow but I hope not. Actually if I look at the big picture he has changed quite a bit from the way he was before he went into jail. He does not let things escalate like he used to. Also he is not causing any problems with my other kids and seems to be getting on with them quite well. That in itself is a huge change. So, even though we have hit a few bumps in the road, he is much better this time around. The more time he has on his hands, the more chance of problems occurring. I hope we get the call from the treatment centre soon. For now though, things seem to have settled down for the most part. I'm thankful for that.
Kate

well i got to read the last 35 post all at once reading it was quite a rollercoaster, i can only imagine how u feel living throw it kate....

I really hope it workes out for your son, addiction a hard one, i worked in the area for too many years it taught me how to laugh at the world in generall sometimes just out of something close to hysteria but did change my view of people and the world generally. Desisions and situasions change daily if possible be flexible ....it is ok to change your mind about a course of action becouse of new situasions.
Im sure you know all this...having lived through it and with the help of your support group. Groups like thse are invaluable, at lest i found them so.
Im in the uk well Belfast Over here we have Narcotics Anon i know it opperates in the states, it should be in the phone book becouse their usilly in every big city. You could also gather informasion on-line. In any instance the world service by will give you information bout groups and support services. www.na.org/contact.htm
I just went and googled the link. hope it helps
(hope im allowed to do this im new and not quite sure about the soliciting information bit in the pre agreement rules)

There also similare type services for yourself and also for your other kids as anyone living with any addict has a prime oppertunity for hurt and baggage, and we could all do with spacifike support or when necassary specilist support.

I think reading this topic and the responces from the other woman has given me a good feel for this place and how warm and supportive everyone is, with the seriouse and the light harted topics alike. I will pop back into this topic keep us posted.

Celtic_flame

Kate, I'm keeping my fingers, toes and legs crossed for you and your son.

Well things went down hill on Friday. Apparently my son has to fill out paperwork before he can get on the waiting list for treatment. I thought it was all arranged and he was just waiting for a bed. Not so, there is a procedure to follow and he is not taking all the steps to put this in place. When I found out that he didn't do everything necessary to get on the waiting list I gave him an ultimatum. This past Friday he had been at my home for 14 days. It was only to be for 7 days as that is how long it takes to get a bed, if everything is all completed correctly. My son did call the treatment centre, but avoided doing the other things that had to be put into place before he goes. He is the worlds biggest procrastinator.
Anyway last Thursday night I told him he had been here long enough and that he had until Friday to get everything done in order to go to treatment. He said he would. I let him know that I needed proof that the paperwork was filled out or he would have to leave. I suggested he go to his Dad's as a plan" B". They don't have a great relationship and his Dad has never had him at his house since we got divorced 10 years ago, it always falls on me. When I came home from work on Friday my son was still home. He said he forgot to go down and set everything up so he could get on the waiting list. I reminded him that I made it very clear the night before as to what he had to do, I also woke him up in the morning before I went to work and reminded him again.
He left me no choice. I asked him to leave and not to come back. I said I hope you set up treatment and I wished him well but told him his stay with me was over. He asked if he could stay, said he would do it on Monday but I knew the chances of that were almost zero. It was hard to go through with it but I had to follow through.
He left and went to a friends, another drug user. I called him later and said that I dropped all his things off at his Dads and that he was welcome to stay there for a few days. Said maybe longer if he tried to work things out with him. Their relationship is not good and his Dad basically has had nothing to do with him since he was 13. But, I can't always be the one who picks up the pieces and told his dad he needs to step up to the plate.
I live on the westcoast and in the winter it rains. This winter we just got hit with a huge snow storm like Seattle and parts of Washington. My son came to my door last night and asked to come in. It was 11:30 at night and I was in bed. Although it was really hard to do I had to tell him he could not come in. It was snowing and cold but if I let him in, he would know that I am a push over. The history for the past few years is that he hangs out on the street, does drugs then bangs on my door usually in the middle of the night begging to come in. He does not just bang for a while and then go away. He yells through the door and has been known to knock for hours which drives me insane and then I let him in because I can't take the knocking. He knows this. I'm in a newer house now but when he lived with me he would just break the glass in the door and let himself in. I had to pay to get the glass fixed and then he would break it again. So last night I told him to walk to his fathers which is only a 15 minute walk. He asked to use the phone to call him, another trick then he pushes the door in. This time I threw the phone out fast so he couldn't get in. He then started to bang on the door again. I told him through the door to go to his Dad's, said I had done all I could. He continued to bang and yell but finally left. I opened the door to get the phone and found he had smashed it to pieces. He never did go to his Dad's. I couldn't sleep. Felt guilty for sending him away as it was snowing and cold but did what I had to do. It sounds harsh but if I don't stick to my word, he will walk all over me like he did in the past. I thought after a year in jail that he would make better choices but he is reverting quickly back to his old ways. I called his Dad today and he said he hasn't heard from him. He must still be hanging out with his friends. I'm sure he will be back again because typically his friends start to resent his freeloading and then they kick him out. I hope he doesn't come back because in the past neighbors have called the police and so have I had to. I don't want to do this but if things escalates I may have to and he will end up back in jail. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty. When he wouldn't leave I told him he was being a real jerk and wish I didn't say that. I've been trying really hard this time to be respectful but firm. In the past I would lose it with him and say hurtful things to him, mainly because he was damaging my property or upsetting my other kids.
I am worried and upset but at the same time angry with him and so disappointed. I really thought that after a year in jail he would get it. It appears he doesn't.
Kate

"My son came to my door last night and asked to come in. It was 11:30 at night and I was in bed. Although it was really hard to do I had to tell him he could not come in….. Felt guilty for sending him away as it was snowing and cold but did what I had to do."


I can't imagine doing anything harder then that. But what you've done, Kate, is you broke the chain; the chain of events leading to the same frustrating circle. By doing this, you have forced your son to "maybe" wake up and realize there is no safe haven in this cold world. He must take his life in his own hands. I applaud you, and I hold you very dear in my thoughts. You have proven what a strong Mother you really are. I hope, like Celtic_flame has suggested, that you find yourself a support group.

Kate, my heart aches for you but you are doing the right thing. This will never end if you let him back in, and you know that. As hard as it may be, you need to stick to your word or he will always know you will bail him out. In the long run, that only harms him.

I'm sure it's tough becasue as a mother you probably think that we should bail our children out. This case is different becasue he is not well. He needs help that you can no longer give him. Remind him that when he is drug/alcohol free you'll be able to show him all the love in the world, and right now, by turning him away, you are still showing him that love. It's just tough love!

How did you feel when he was in jail. Did you find peace in knowing he had a roof over his head and wasn't abusing? If so, and he won't get treatment, then perhaps it's the safest place for him right now. Please forgive me for saying this, but if he isn't in treatment and he doesn't have a place to live, and he has no money, then at least he's warm, fed, and has a roof over his head.

What do you think?

I'm lifting you, your son, and two younger children in prayer.

When he was in jail I felt sorry for him because he was victimized. But, I also felt relieved that I knew where he was and that no matter what the weather, he had a roof over his head. For the first few months that he was in jail I would panic when someone would knock on the door thinking it was him. Both myself and my other two kids were traumatized by his behaviour and they have had to get counselling. I guess the main thing for me is that I don't want him to be angry with me, I want him to always be able to count on me. I'm a fixer. After saying that, I know that those are my needs. That by being a fixer for him I will allow him to blame me for all of his problems and not take personal responsibility. I know I did the right thing, I just feel sad for him. To me he is still my little boy. I see him at the age of 12 when all the trouble started. Emotionally he is still that age. I have a 13 year old son who is far more mature than my 22 year old son. I am thinking of going to some Narnon Meetings for support as most of my friends from the group have moved on in that way. Their kids are no longer in the drug scene.
Thank you so much for your words of kindness. I am waiting for someone to say "What, you left him out in the cold, how could you" His Dad said that, yet he is the one who has never helped him out ever, never called him in jail or sent him a letter, never acknowledges his birthday or Christmas. I know he just feels guilty so I can't win with him. Since he was 12 I have been both parents to my son. My ex has said, he's been with you since he was 12 so it's your fault he's the way he is. Nice. I won't focus on that though. I will stay strong in front of him even though it hurts to do this. I know by staying strong I am helping him even though he may not see it that way. He is so weak, I'm afraid he may just end up back in jail as he is still not at the place where he wants to change.
Kate

Kate -
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong girl - you are doing the right thing, even tho it does not feel like it. Your son knows you are the fixer, or maybe the people pleaser. He knows exactly which buttons to push to get to you. I know this because I am a people pleaser myself. About 3 years ago, my 2 older children were asked to pay rent or move out. You would have thought we asked them for a million dollars. They both worked full time. To them we were horrible parents and to this day they still think we were wrong. They just don't get it. I think this younger generation is very self centered and thinks we parents should always take care of them no matter what. Well, there comes a time when we have to put up our boundaries and try to love them enuf to let them go. They need to make their own way and yes their own mistakes. Tough love is extremely hard on us Mom's. I still get very upset that my children are no longer living here. That they think we were so horrible. It hurts. After all the years of nurturing and loving that we gave them, they act like we never cared for them. My son could not even pick up the phone and call us on Thanksgiving. But - I try to tell myself they have to mature and we brought them up to be good loving people, so I pray that someday they will wake up. I just pray I am still here to enjoy it!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Kate. Even tho we cannot be with each other, this community of women is a wonderful, caring environment.

Go to the narcanon (is that correct?) and join the people there. I went to Alanon for many years and had such support, you cannot even imagine. Get yourself a sponsor that can hold you accountable for your actions. This will help you keep it all straight and keep you strong for when your son lays those guilt trips on you. My cousin always says: "Pack your bags, you're goin on a guilt trip!!"
But, please do not be afraid to go to a meeting. I think you will find it truly helps. Ok - I will get off my soapbox now!!

Craftyone; thanks for your comments and concern. I will go to a meeting as soon and I dig myself out of all this snow. I understand where you are coming from and hope your children realize how much you have done for them and appreciate you when they mature. When I was married my ex traveled alot and I spent every waking moment with my son. He is nine years older than the other two so all his early years were spent hanging out with his Mom. I took him to play groups, library groups, swimming, pony rides, everywhere. Read to him every night and even laid down with him for almost an hour until he went to sleep. Bedtime was my favorite time with him as we were so close. But, they do grow up and sometimes leave us emotionally for a long while. I don't think many of them get it until they have children of their own, then a light bulb comes on. It did for me anyway. Whatever they do, or think, we have to take care of ourselves too. It is not our job to please them, although they would like it that way.
My son got a call from the treatment centre today. They have a bed this Friday. I hope he takes it. I can't find him though, don't know where he is so may not be able to get him the message. I hope he checks in but he is really angry with me for not letting him in the other night. Called his grandma (his Dad's Mom) to complain about me but she was having none of it and told him he's a grown up now and his Mom has done too much for him already.

Yes this community of women is a wonderful, caring environment and I appreciate all of you so much.
Kate

Kate, it's so nice to know that you x-MIL spoke on your behalf.

I think it would be great for you to have a local sponsor. Then you could call them when you are feeling weak and they would build you up again by telling you that you are doing the right thing.

I just said a liitle prayer that your son will be in touch with you so you can give him the information about being there on Friday. Please God!

Bringing this up to cover two advertisements.

Things are happening finally. My son did get my message and will be on his way to the treatment centre in the morning at 6am. He has to be there at 11:00am and it is about 5 hours away.
It's his 22nd birthday today. I woke up this morning and had a flash back. A bitter sweet moment.
This morning he called to let me know he was going. We did talk, both shed some tears. He felt hurt that I would kick him out without giving him a chance. He felt I didn't give him enough time. His thoughts were justified as they were his thoughts, but so were mine. I explained to him that I am his parent and that I look at what I did in a much different way. I told him he needed me to be this way, to provide tough love. I said I'd rather you be mad at me and go to treatment, then not be mad at me and not go. I tried to explain that my decision was a tough one but it had to be done for his sake. Also pointed out that as soon as I kicked him out he went and arranged for treatment, something he was procrastinating about while he was staying with me. If I didn't give him the reality check, he would still be putting it off. He seemed to understand. His grandparents and I took him out for lunch for his birthday and I got him a few needed things for his stay at the treatment centre. He was quiet and humble which was nice to see. (He can be quite cocky and self-centered)
I have kept in touch with my ex-husbands mother and step dad and we are good friends. Even though my ex was abusive I felt that my children needed to have a relationship with their grandparents no matter what I thought of their son. We just agreed to never discuss him and we get along better now than we ever did when we were married. My ex always used to bad mouth me to his mother and she always took his side, she doesn't anymore.
Thank you for your prayers and concern, words of support etc. I really believe in prayer. It does work, sometimes not when we want it to, sometimes not like we want it to, but it does work. Support from others gives us strength to hang in there....thank you!
Now I will be praying that he stays for the entire 10 weeks. He has been to treatment before and only lasted for 8 or 9 days. This will not be easy for him.
Kate

great atlest as you say he's going this time, and hopefully the stay will be longer. Better still this one may even change his lif's habits, fingers crossed for you all

celtic_flame

Well, my son returned after only one week at treatment. I asked him to think long and hard about this choice before he left but he just told me that the drugs were a faze and he can beat them on his own. Typical of some addicts, he felt that the others in the treatment centre were way worse than him and felt he didn't belong there. He has been home for a week now, got a job and was doing ok up until now. I had not heard from him for a few days which even at 22 is unusual, he always keeps in touch with me. After making a few calls I went to a drug house that I know of and found him there. He had spent his entire pay cheque on drugs and alcohol and was broke and intoxicated when I found him. I had to go into the house as everyone was so out of it they didn't answer the door. He was not happy that I found him. He did greet me though and took me outside as he didn't want me in the place. He was upset and told me that he wanted to do it on his own but realizes now that he can't. He kept saying he was sorry. He said after more than a year in jail he wanted to have some fun. I don't think he is having any fun though. He told me that this world is an evil place. Poor thing, he has no idea what this world has to offer him as he is only looking at the negative side of the world, he can't see anything else and that is why he numbs himself with substances. I told him to sleep it off and make sure he comes home for Christmas, that I am not judging him and that I know he will do the right thing this time. Of course I have my doubts as he keeps trying and falling down again. It's tough to watch but I have to support him and keep pushing him and not give up. I belong to a parent/teen group and have been involved with them for 6 years now. Most of our kids have moved on to better lives. One of the moms emailed me today all upset as another of her daughters friends died of an overdose. This makes 8 young people dead due to drugs and alcohol in our circle. I pray every night that this doesn't happen to my son. I pray that he changes soon and will continue to pray for him. This Christmas as in Christmas's past, I have to deal with my drug addicted son and my miserable negative mother. I don't know how I manage to stay positive. I do have two other wonderful children, good friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I thank God for that and my Dad of course who is very supportive of me.
Kate

hi kate
i been wonderring how it was going for you. All i can do is wish you well an pray for a good outcome for you. I know it isen't the best situasion you are in but i an glade you updated us with the news anyway...

sending you lots of love and prayers from NI

celtic_flame

Kate, God bless you for tracking him down. You have so much courage. Maybe he is hitting rock bottom this time. Perhaps he will see that it isn't fun and recognize that the treatment center is exactly where he needs to be. I'm praying he comes to this realization this holiday season.

I am also grateful for the friends who surround you during this difficult time. I have two friends who are going through similar situations with addicted children. One child is in his 40s and is now living on the streets and the other is in his 20s and is in jail for a year. When I pray for those moms, I include you in my thoughts.

Kate you are carrying more than your share of burdens with your son and your mother. All the more that I hope you will finally find your joy and peace with your new love.
One of the boomer woman wisely said, ( sorry I forgot who it was) that you should surround yourself with positive things, and your life will become more positive. I hope this will come to be in the year 2007 for you.

I must admit I shed some tears after reading your responses. Maybe they were tears that needed to be shed, they don't come easy for me. I tend to hold my emotions in. But I think it is because I am overwhelmed by the support this forum offers. To think that women from all over the world reach out and help each other is amazing. We are all blessed to be part of such a caring group of women. I will be busy this weekend and may not be online until after Christmas, but I wish you all a happy safe holiday. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa. You are all in my prayers.
Love Kate

The ones who love you may make you weep. We love you Kate.

Unfortunately my son has returned to his old ways. He has burned his bridges with his Dad, can't go to his place and now mine. He left the treatment centre and is dragging his feet about going to another place. He just wants to sponge off me and get high. He was all set to go to another place but spent his welfare cheque (Shelter and food) on drugs. There is a bed for him but he can't have it now until the next welfare cheque on the 23rd of January. He has burned his bridges there too. I don't think he will go there either. It is a great facility that would be of help to him to more forward. Two nights ago I woke up to him doing drugs in my kitchen. It was 4am and he had the stove burner on high with two knives stuck in the burner heating up. I think they get the knives hot and burn the drugs and breath in the fumes. At least I think that is what they do. I couldn't believe it. I said, how dare you do drugs in my home, that is so disrespectful and your brother and sister are in the other room. The smell was like chemicals so I think it was Crystal Meth. Anyway my rule is no drugs in the house and no coming home stoned so told him to leave in the morning. He left. Today I came home and he was in my house. He broke in. I told him to leave and insisted as he just ignored me. Bad move, he yelled you Fu...n C..nt over and over.
He smashed my phone, another one (smashe one last week) and started kicking the door. I put his stuff outside and told him to go to his Dad's a friend whatever but not here.
He reverted to his old behaviour threatening me and said he was going to kill himself. Finally I talked him into going to his Dad's if I drove him. I kept hitting my car window, smashing his fist on the dash trying to do damage all the way there. When we got there he refused to get out of the car and said I had to ok it with his Dad or he wouldn't get out. His Dad was not home. I then told him I would drive him to his friends house, anywhere to get rid of him as he was raging. He refused to get out so I said I would drive to the police station and they could get him out. So he got really mad and finally got out at another friends but kicked my car and smashed the door on the way out. I have been having to deal with this type of behaviour for years now. He just did 18 months (got out in I year) and I gave him another chance. Let him stay here over Christmas but he continued to use so told him he had to leave. I am going to the police station today to file a no contact order so when he comes back the police will arrest him. I have to do this to stop the cycle no matter how hard. I can't beloved that we are back to where we were a year ago. He told me that he is going to kill himself tonight as he has no where to go. I told him that there are shelters and that he can work it out with his Dad or whatever but it is his choice. I told him I will not help him again as it doesn't work. It is time for him to help himself. Than I came home and cried and cried. I can't handle this anymore. No matter what I do he continues to just be a drug addict. I am going to call NA and start going to meetings. I think this will help. Just venting.
Kate

Sorry about the typo's, I'm quite upset.
Kate

katebecca, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you know this, but you need to hear it from other people as well.

Stay strong, and don't let him back in your home until he has been clean for at least a year. His promises, unfortunately, are worthless.

And you have done your best to help him, Kate. I can only imagine how hurtful it must be for you to see your son in the circumstances that he has put himself in but, the choice to seek help must come from him. I pray that he considers that soon. In the meantime, is there a support group you can seek that helps families of children with addiction such as your son's? Is NA such a group?

Oh dear Kate! My heart goes out to you. I can imagine you cry out of frustration, disappointment, anger, helplessness, all rolled in one. Please let me send you a quote that usually helps me calm down when I'm upset. It's all I can do for you, but if it helps, then I'm glad.

Quote:

---

The Final Analysis
People are often unreasonable, self-centred: Forgive them anyway. If you are Honest, People may cheat you, but be Honest anyway. What you spend years to build, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. The good you do today, People will often forget tomorrow. Do Good anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it never was between you and them anyway.
anon

---

I believe you did the right thing by getting a restricting order on him. The only good you can do for your son is let him hit rock bottom. As long as he finds a refuge with you, he probably won't change his ways.

kate, STAY STRONG. Cry all you want. It's heartbreaking and deserves tears. What you have to remember is that this really isn't your son. He's so messed up. You haven't seen that little boy within him in years due to the illness. The absolute best thing you can do for him is call the police jsut as you mentioned.

He needs to be off the streets. He will be safe in jail and perhaps this time around he'll learn that there's an awesome young man beneath the disease. One whom you taught right from wrong, one who knows how to love but has forgotten, one who will have confidnece to carry on once he is clean. He must get clean so if he won't stay at a rehab, the next best place is jail. Don't you think?

Sending precious prayers your way, and his way too. Also for your other children.

kate

just sending you kind thoughts and praying that you and your family have strenth at this time........hope nar annon helps, you got to be looking after yourself and your other children to the best you can ..........your other son making his own future thats way out your control at the minuet...... it might not allways be this way for him but it's a sad reallity that it is the way it is for him at the miuet...Who knows what the future brings for him so all you can do is get the help and support you deserve, hope na works for you, it's a great orginasasion...

all the best love
celtic_flame

Thanks again everyone. I am going to stay strong. My son has sociopathic tendencies. He makes an effort to go to treatment just to get people off his back but really doesn't want to go. He goes for a week then figures he can scam another 3 weeks or a month at my home saying he is waiting to go to a new treatment centre. My eyes have been open to this one. He just sets it up, waits at my house for weeks to go while he continues to use drugs, then gets kicked out and is back at my place. It's a game. This way he can continue to live his lifestyle and look like he's trying to change. He doesn't want to change at this point, that is clear. He does not want to work, go to school or do anything but get high as that is the easy route. He wants me to leave him alone and let him stay at my house so he can live his drug addict lifestyle. Until he wants to change his life I cannot make him no matter what I do, I realize that now. I will go to Alanon Meetings, or NA, not sure which one but it's for families of Drug addicts. I need to do this to understand where he is at. He is at a very selfish place, I do know that. He only cares about his drugs and uses people. I also know that he does not love himself that is why he is incapable of loving anyone else. Hannelore, your quote was a good one, thanks. Dotsie, you are right, at the moment he is not my son, my son is lost.
Thanks to the others too. I will continue to post and I hope it will help others in my situation.
Kate

alanon for frends and family of alcoholics. Narcotics annonimiouse is for the addict it's like AA only for drug users and nar annon is for the frends and family of drug addicts or even ex drug addicteds. Hope that helps

stay strong kate ya got my prayers, and your son as well

celtic_flame

Thank you celtic_flame, I did look up the Narnon group in my area and plan to go in the new year. I am going to bring my other two children to the group too. They seem ok but have been very affected by their brothers lifestyle and behaviour.
I can't do anything for my son, but I can do something for myself and my other children. My ex-mother in-law wants to come too as she needs some support. Both grandmas have been there for my son big time and he uses them too. Sad but true.
Hope you have a wonderful New Years whatever you are planning to do, make it safe. That goes for all of you wonderful boomer women. Cheers!
Kate

it'sgreat that your taking control of your life and helping your other kids and even the grandparents, wow.

unfortunitly addiction is termed as a family disease as one person has the ability to affect somany others or all otherrs in their family.

He's your son and i am sure you love him even if sometimes you'd want to kick his bum youve dun all you can at the minet and it's great your putting your energy into you, wear you have the control to effect change and helping gide your other children, thats the best thing you could do at the minuet.

goodluck at nar annon, i have some experience in one form or another with all those groups, my work and also personal matters, they might be a bit diffrent from uk to usa but basic structure be the same i think, so feel free to pm me or chat to me throw the boards if you ever want to bleather (chat) about the organiasions or how your progess is going, they got a good programme going in the groups too. you find some wonderfull woman and men their it's a great place to share your troubles and burdens and get a listening ear and a solusion to what you can do to help yourself, their a lot of wisdom in most of the long term mebers of thse groups,

goodluck and god bless

celtic_flame

I just read over my original post and your responses. In hindsight he should have never come to my house. Things have just gotten worse and worse. My son only got out in November and it feels like two years. I did write that I had to ask him to leave in December as he was just spinning his wheels and basically not working on getting into treatment. The only reason I let him stay here is because he said he was going to treatment. Back to his old manipulating ways.
He moved in with a friend when I kicked him out and his friend got him work but he screwed that up by sleeping in and getting fired. He made $100 per day and blew it all. Now just got evicted from his friends house for not paying his rent. His only friend is now getting tired of his behaviour and doesn't want to help him anymore. Plus he borrowed money from lots of people and can't pay it back. They will beat him up soon if they don't get paid. He wants me to help him financially and let him stay at my house again. Says he will go to treatment.
I told him that he cannot stay here and to go to a shelter. I realize that the shelter is not a great option as it is a dirty scary place, but he will get food there, a mattress for the night and the Salvation Army will help him to find a place, get him welfare until he gets another job, help him get counselling etc. His response. No fffffing way.
I'm not a bum, I don't go to shelters or the Salvation Army. Let me stay at your house. My response, no. So he came over to my house. I had been sweeping the front doorway and left the door unlocked. He just barged in, helping himself to food, the computer, said let me stay here. I told him to leave and the chaos began. Him screaming at me calling me the B word, the C work, said I'm retarded, mental, unstable etc. etc. A barrage of abuse followed. He then told me I would be sorry as he was going to kill himself and it would be all my fault. He has said this before. Went on saying stuff like what kind of a mother am I turning away her own son. It went on and on. I told him he had to leave or I would call the police. He asked me to drive him somewhere and I did just to get rid of him but asked him to promise not to kick my car as he had done in the past. He said he wouldn't but when I dropped him off at his friends (I had suggested to him to go back to his friends and try to work something out) He got out of the car, yelling and screaming at me kicked my car repeatedly, punched my window trying to break it. Of course I drove off.
I am putting two and two together now. For the past few months I have been getting more and more depressed. I am not connecting with my kids and just go home from work, veg out in front of the TV and avoid life. I still go work out 5 times a week as it helps with stress but that's it. I couldn't figure out why my youngest son was so angry, he's changed. Now it all seems so clear. He started changing and acting out when he knew my son was getting out of jail.
I need to do something before our entire family falls apart. I am even thinking of moving which would be a drastic step but I don't think my son is going to change anytime soon if ever. He is so self involved. He only calls when he wants money and never acknowledges birthdays etc. It was my daughters birthday on Saturday and I asked him to at least say Happy Birthday to her and he said he's too stressed out as he's now homeless. It's all about him. I'm calling his probation officer today to asked for a no contact order. I need to distance myself from him and fast.
Kate

Kate, I am so sorry to hear that you are still dealing i
with this. I am in total agreement with you about calling his probation officer. I know it's got to be tough since he's your son, but he's still very troubled and addicted and needs help. I guess our prayer should be that he hits rock bottom and seeks help for his addiction. Beneath all this is your dear son whom you havne't gotten a peek of in a very long time.

Do you wnat to consider the pros and cons of moving with us? I'm afraid your other kids might be angry if you move becasue they may think you are doing it to get away from your addicted son. Is thsi fair to take your other children away from what they are comfortable with...their home and friends? Just thinking out loud here.

Please keep exercising and see if you can get soemone to talk to for your depression which seems to be appearing for a very significant and real reason. Sending prayers and thoughts your way.

Thanks Dotsie,
My kids want to move. The are sick of having to deal with my son, and what it does to our household when he is around. I'm not talking about moving away, I'm talking about changing houses so he can't find us again. They would still go to the same school, have the same friends. He knows where we live now so continues to come over without notice then goes into a rage and won't leave. The damage he does when he has these outbursts is huge.
I have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to keep my stress level in check and to discuss my depression.
I did call his PO and he suggested I go to the police station and file a complaint so I can get a no-contact order. This way he has to stay away from my house and myself or he will be charged with mischief. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers.
Kate

What would happen if you called the police when he barged into your home?

I have done that many, many times. They come guns a blazing. It's such over kill. The embarrassment is too much. Usually five cars show up and police dogs. One time they even shut down my entire street. My son is listed on the police system as violent so they have to do that. I will do it if necessary. He called me again today at work and I told him not to call me or come to my house. I told him that I am filing a no-contact order. He just doesn't get it. Seemed quite shocked and just hung up. That is the difficulty with him. He just doesn't get it. He has no idea how his behaviour affects others. His PO says he can only see what is here and now, doesn't look ahead, doesn't understand body language clues etc. I told him that there is so much help available to him but I can't help him. He needs to set up something with people who can help him and stop calling me.
Kate

Kate,
I am so very sorry to hear your story. I went through this as well, although not to your extreme. You are wise to really focus on taking care of your other children right now. Your son really can't see another point of view. That's the drugs talking. The most difficult thing for me was truly trying to understand my son's thought process (or lack thereof!). They don't think things all the way through, their needs are immediate -- right now, right now -- is all they know. Until they are clean and sober for quite a while, they don't even have a glimmer about what we are talking about. In the program my son is in now, they pair them up. One of the guys said they do that because "an addict can think of something stupid to do and do it in 5 seconds flat." By having a peer, they learn to look out for each other's stupidness. It also teaches them to think about someone other than themselves.
You have done a lot -- take care of yourself and your other kids. Do you have a support group? Al-anon? Something? Feel free to write privately if you wish.

Hugs and peace in your heart and home.

I appreciate your comments. Thanks Casey, glad you can relate. Gimster, I appreciate your asking what you/others can do to help.
I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I will talk to her about my overwhelming feelings, my stress, depression.That should help me a bit as we have a good connection. I have also been given a number of a social worker at the John Howard Society to call and talk to. She is very experienced (over 20 years) Her input will help I'm sure as believe it or not, I am not alone in this. It's more common then we know.
I guess for me the hardest part is to see him this way. I just don't understand it and have done everything I could do to help him. It's soooooo frustrating. I really need to let go of him and let him work things out, although at the same time I fear for his safety. He really needs to see professionals who know how to deal with his many problems. I don't know how to help him. I've exhausted all of my options. I feel an overwhelming guilt at times that I should of, could have done more. But I know that is not realistic. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that I should try to look at it like he is not my son at the moment. The little boy I raised is not there, just the drug addicted person he is now. I need to accept that this is his reality and stop trying to be his saviour. Another thing I read that I can relate to in another post. "You are not God"
That hits home for me as I feel like I have to fix him, I have to change him,I have to help him. It's my job, I'm his mother. I struggle with these feelings and go back and forth. Should I help him, I shouldn't help him. Logically I know he needs outside help, he's sick and his problems are way over my head. All I do by helping him is prolong his hitting rock bottom.
Tommorow is another day, I need to take it one day at a time.
Kate

this has been a long hard struggle for you kate, i hope you find some help for yourself when you see the doc. Its typical that an addict child distrupts the whole familly, addiction as a family disease- even if only one is addicted. In my experience I also agree with casy it takes a long time in recovery before the addiction, even if they are clean subsides enough so that they can look outside themselfs, its a self-centred self-obsessed type of condition. One day at a time attitude dose help tremendously especilly wwhen it all seems like its too much in total getting throw 24 hours is a feet in itself.

Hope you manage without it pulling you down much more. I know its hard waiting for someone you care about to bottom out especilly as we are all mums and somehow mums are ment to be there and sort out for our kids but their comes a time to let our kids be adult and responcible and be on their own 2 feet regardless of what that means to them. Unfortunitly and in this situasion you are powerless over your sons behaviour and choices he makes. The only thing you can be responcible over and have limited control over is your own life and focus. I have been obsessed and distressed beyond reson with addicts behaving badly in my life and all it ever did was make me unwell drag me down and wast my time and my energy as i stoped living my life or even when i was doing my life mentally i was still with them..

No ones suggesting you let your son be and focus on yourself and other kids becouse they don't care about the addicted son, if anything they saying what they are saying becouse they do care, but more importantly care about you making it throw this ok...either choice you make is hard and gonna be harder at times...god bless and guide you as you choice and live by the consiquincess. Hope i can be a support to you any time you need one

I have found the following essay under the daily OM, and have changed it somewhat to fit your situation. I hope it helps you see clearly, Kate, and that these words give you the strength to move on.

Quote:

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Freeing Yourself and Knowing When To Let Someone Go


Just as a good Mother/Son relationship can have a positive impact on one's life, stressful, draining, or imbalanced relationships can have negative effects on your health and well-being. It's common to maintain a relationship because we feel the other person needs us or we believe that they will eventually change. We may also be afraid of hurting the other person. But knowing when to end a relationship and acknowledging that the pain will pass can often prevent greater pain and feelings of loss in the long run.

If this relationship has become unhealthy for you and the rest of your family, rather than spending energy attempting to fix the problem or complaining, ask yourself what you really want from the relationship. Consider whether your son truly considers your feelings or if he is willing to change his behavior. While every relationship has ups and downs, when there are more downs than ups or the two of you are bringing out the worst in each other, it may be time to sever the connection, even if he is your son.

Every relationship thrives on honesty, communication, mutual caring, and time spent together. When one or more of these elements are missing, it may be that the relationship, no matter how passionate, simply isn't worth it. It's far better to end a relationship that doesn't feel right than to hold on to it and languish in feelings of anger or resentment. Moving on without struggle, on the other hand, can be the door that leads you to a more nurturing relationship in the future. Your son will always be your son. that will never change, but you have responsibilities towards your other children, and they have to be now your first priority.

---

That's a keeper, HL. Do you mind emailing me the original wording. I'd like to modify it and send it, along with a book, to someone I know who is having a relationship problem.
Sorry to interrupt this thread for this request, but I figure kate and all will understand.

Kate, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It's hard when it's your own child doing these horrible things. Just know that it's not the person who is doing these things, it's the drugs. You have to take care of yourself right now and your children. Your son will eventually come to the realization that he needs help. Drug and alcohol addiction is a terrible thing, but those who are addicted have to want help before they will accept it. Take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to keep safe. You are all in my prayers.

Again, thanks everyone. Hannelore, thanks for that quote, I will print it off. I also remembered that I have a really good book that I should dig out called "Lost Boys and the Mothers Who Love Them" It's a Christian book with personal stories, some have happy endings, some don't. I remember I found it helpful when I read it.
I am distancing myself from my son and will no longer do anything for him from here on in.(I'm working on sticking to that) When he was at my house I called my ex who lives five minutes away and asked him to come over and talk to him as I knew he was going to lash out at me. He wouldn't, said he has his own problems. My ex used to behave the same way my son treats me, abusive. I'm on my own when dealing with him. He never goes to his fathers house and yells at him. He is respectful to him, a father that does nothing for him. There is a lesson to be learned from this. I guess I have tried to be both parents to my son as I felt bad for him that his own father rejects him and has done since he was 11. No more excuses though. I need to work on taking care of myself, my other two children and learn how to stop being a fixer and a people pleaser. Narnon is a good place to start.
Kate

Kate, try to remember you aren't really dealing with your son but with the drugs he takes. My oldest was so rebellious and did drugs and disrupted the family and I had to kick him out too. It just isn't fair to the other kids. There was tremendous pain involved and I cried for days but he straightened himself out after that.

Naranon a great place i would set stock by it and if some of the members live near you some of them don't mind being physically their for you as you say you are alone. A long many a year ago i got droped off after a meeting and had a bad feeling. So the other member walked me to the door the house was trashed and the offending article was semi concise and hallucinatting in bed. I was glade of the company especilly since i mentally froze they help get us to a safe place till that storm blow over. I learned a lot and that was the finale days before i got my life to perminantly changed. Mindyou each group is diffrent and even if they can't physically keep you company if your son comes round your house metaphorically you wont be alone....its such a god send that groups like this are avalible just for the support the sharring the tears and laughing it all helps kate. I will keep you in my prayers pet. All that you are facing is managible, it works if you work it

celtic

I'm hanging in. It has been the longest week and a half. I called my son's Probation officer as my son meets with him weekly. I told him to tell my son not to contact me or I will call the police. Told him I have had it. My kids are really fed up too and my younger son is really traumatized by the chaos my older son creates. He fears for my safety as my son is violent. Although I mean what I say and will not have anything to do with my son, it hurts so bad. I can't seem to focus on work, anything really. I keep telling myself it's what I have to do for now if I want to have a healthy relationship with him down the road when he gets clean, if he ever does. I also have to protect my other children.
It's so hard not knowing where he is or if he's ok. I guess for him it's easier not contacting me as he doesn't have to lie any more about getting help. He can live in his druggy world without having me always nagging him to get help. I hope he hits his rock bottom soon for his sake. It's dangerous out there.
Kate

I'm having a really bad time of this. I have not heard from my son in almost two weeks. No one has. I'm riddled with guilt and am thinking the worst, that he killed himself. Logically I know it's not my fault, but emotionally I feel like it is. I can't focus on work and just don't care about anything. All I do is go to work get almost nothing done, then go home and sleep. I know I'm spiralling downwards real fast. I called a counseller and they hope to get me in within 5 days. I hope so as each day that goes by I get worse. I don't want to hear from him, just want to know that he is ok. He is not contacting me like I asked but not knowing is causing to me worry constantly. I just want to know that he is ok, that's all. The last thing he told me was that he had no where to do go and begged me to help him. He told me he can't take care of himself and said if I don't help him he will have no choice but to kill himself. Later at my house when he came over after my asking him to leave he went into a rage and motioned that he was going to slit his throat and make me pay for turning him away. It's sick I know and my mind is now playing games on me. I know that helping him would just continue this crazy cycle but.....?

I've been told to just move on, forget about him and take care of my other kids. That is so much easier said than done. My friend made me promise to call a counsellor today and I did. She is going to call me this afternoon to make sure. I wasn't going to meet her for coffee today as I don't feel like seeing anyone but am glad I did. Talking really helped for now as it was a distraction.
Kate

katebecca, this is all so emotional for you and I am sorry you have to go through this. A counsellor is a good decision. Hopefully you will hear from your son and it will set your mind at ease. I am holding you in prayer. God Bless you for having to experience all of this.

chick

kate
"I've been told to just move on, forget about him and take care of my other kids. That is so much easier said than done." kates quote

it is so much easier said than dun. In the absence of knowlage about him your mind will run riote especilly since he left making gestures that weer desined to do so. In haste people say or do stuff sometimes not knowing the full extent of the hurt it could couse you...
Just have to hand it over to god and surrender, relise you have no power over this and find comphort that everything works out for the best.....when i was in the same situasion i prayed obsessifly, bit by bit the obbsesive thoughts did diea down, life became enjoyable allthough uncomphortably so (depending how i was handling the pressure) it all works out...

i hope you get to your counselller soon and that you do have some numbers from the NAR non group you attended they be very good resorce for you at the minet....

looking back its seemes easier for me than it was at the time, i would not trade with you for your present circumstancies. One day i hope you also get to look back at this current time and rember how you managed to get throw it all, hopefully helping someone else in the same situasion

good luck at the minuet kate and god bless you and hold you tightly
celtic

oh, kate, Bless your heart. His threats are doing to you what he wants them to do, make you worried over your decision to turn him out. From what I've been made to understand (and the subject has been present in my own life), threats usually come with little intent. It's when someone is suicidal and says nothing that we need to take notice. This, of course, does not hold true for all, but (again as I've been taught) is a general rule.
Do put it in God's capable hands, as celtic said, and we'll pray for your son's protection. (((HUGS)))

You can't just forget and move on when it's your child, no matter what he's done or how old he is. It's impossible.

Have you checked jail, police? He might be holed up with some addicts. Maybe he's just making you feel guilty because you wouldn't let him ruin what's left of your family after his destructive ways. I would think that if he died, he would have been found and you would have been notified.

My girlfriend's son just vanished. She was worried sick and couldn't find him for a couple of years. She finally hired a PI and he found him in one day through the drivers license dept. So, she asked him to come over for dinner and he did. After that, he just vanished again. No problems other than he didn't like his stepfather but he wasn't that bad of a guy. Just kind of strict. I think her son just decided to disassociate himself from the family.

I want you to know how sorry I am that this is happening. It must be so horrible for you.

Kate, I think Dianne's suggestion is the best. Hire a PI, so you can get some peace of mind.

Quote:

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The Final Analysis
People are often unreasonable, self-centred: Forgive them anyway. If you are Honest, People may cheat you, but be Honest anyway. What you spend years to build, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. The good you do today, People will often forget tomorrow. Do Good anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it never was between you and them anyway.

---

Hannelore comes to the rescue with another one of her most appropriate quotes. Thanks Hannelore.

Kate, I just read today that when a problem is shared with a friend it is cut in half. Perhaps that's how you were feeling after talking with your friend. I'm glad you did something for yourself and met with her. I hope you get to meet with your therapist this week. Meantime, stay strong and find a little peace in knowing that your boomer sisters are here to listen and carry you in prayer. I am also praying for your son. I htink checking iwth the police is a good idea. If he's over 18, they won't contact you, will they?

If he is over 18, no they won't contact me. I got my ex to call the druggy house he was staying at and sure enough he is still there. He didn't answer but his druggy friend told him his Dad was asking for him and that is all it took for him to start up with his begging for food, money etc. He called me from his Dad's house today with the excuse that he wanted my Mom's new tel number. I gave him the number and said good-bye. I did not ask him anything just said good-bye and hung up. Called my Mom later and she said he gave her the old victim story about how no one in the family will help him. What kind of family abandons their own etc. He did not like her answer and hung up on her. I called my ex later just to see how it went (I don't want to talk to him) and he said he got the same story and my son told him that he is going to treatment in five days. Two weeks ago he told me he was going to treatment in five days. He just tells us that so he can manipulate us and get money etc. He told his Dad that he was going to come over to my house and my ex told him that I would call the police so that would not be a good idea. My ex also told him that we are all terrified and need to be left alone, he's done enough damage. He left his Dad's without the sympathy he was looking for.
So far, I have not heard from him again but I know I will. I will discuss with my therapist how to proceed, a good reason to see her. The counselling place I go to is especially for addiction type problems. My son went there for a while with me a couple of years ago. To help myself I did some research on some addiction sites and they said don't get into arguments with them, give them advice etc. as things will just escalate. Just tell them you know they will make the best decision for them and change the subject. Good advice. I have decided that I will not talk with him, meet with him (for now) unless we are in the company of a therapist, counsellor etc. When we are together things escalate quickly and I cannot afford to do this for my mental health, his, and my other two children. I'm learning, slowly but learning.
Kate

I am happy to hear that you know your son is alive and did not carry out his threats of suicide. I am glad that your Mom is not hindering the situation by enabling him. Grandparents can be softer to grandkids at times.

I have watched a show on tv where families try to get their loved one to quit their addiction. It's a real tug of war.

Kate, I really don't know how I would cope with the situation myself, if this was my son. I really admire you for doing all it takes to do what's right for all involved. Research, counsellors, and the like shows that you haven't given up on your son. His addiction is so strong and controlling.

chick

Hi all,
After seeing my doctor three times in two weeks she suggested I go on anti-depressants for a period of time. I hate medication and was on anti-depressants for five years while I was married. They just helped me to stay in a bad marriage. It took me a while to get off them but I did it. I've been taking St. John's Wort ever since and they kept me stable. The stress I have been under and the deep depression I have been in became too much. I was not there for my other two children at home. I basically stared at the computer all day at work, went home and went straight to bed. Stayed there until bedtime, then went to sleep for the night. My kids were taking care of themselves. They are teens but do still need their Mom. I could barely function. I gave in to the doctor mainly because of them. I had also not been straight with her about what I was going through but came clean on the third visit.
My younger son was getting more depressed seeing me so depressed. I guess I was basically grieving the loss of my son. Letting him go (having no contact) seemed like a death, even though he is still here.
My doctor says because I am prone to depression that this is the only way for now. I start back at counselling on Monday. So, I guess it's all good as I am helping myself which in turn is helping my children. It's day two on Welbutrin. I feel a little weird but have a much better attitude even after such a short time. Mainly I realize now that I have been thinking of my son as a little boy still. I forget that he is a man at 22. I have been driving myself crazy with worry thinking of him as a little boy out there all alone suffering. When I think of him as a little boy the guilt and worry are exaggerated. What helped was to think back on a time when I was that age. It made me realize that he is capable of taking care of himself, even in his druggy state. I need to let him go for now so he can learn to depend on himself and not be so dependant on me. So, I'm feeling better already but not happy that I am medicated. I'd do anything for my children though and need to be able to function so here I am. I only hope that my stay on this medication is for a short period of time.
Kate

Medication is there to help us; take advantage of it when you need to. Once your head is clear, you'll be able to take the steps to be with your other kids and be more stable for them - they need you now. They are probably scared that they might turn out like their brother, and need you to show them there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care, and keep us posted.
Kathy

I hear YOU coming through, kate!
Please, please, please remember that we are here for and with you.

(((((HUGS))))) I feel huggy today...

I have not been on the boards for a while. I have decided to attend Naranon. Went to my first meeting last night, wish I had gone a long time ago. I urge anyone who is struggling with a family or friend with an addiction to attend these meetings. They are a true blessing. To be with others in a supportive environment is very comforting. No one is aloud to judge or give advice, it's just a learning and sharing place. I must admit, it was not easy to go, I have been putting it off for a while now but I'm glad I did.
As for my son, we have been in no contact for over three weeks now. He has called but I have ignored the calls, did talk to him once and of course he asked me to deliver him some groceries as I used to do. I told him I will only speak or meet with him at a counsellors and he said no way so that is that. I have not heard from him for at least a week now and have been very worried.
Serendipidy, last nights meeting was about worry.
Kate

Just wanted to say how much I admire your strength. I may not be posting much, but I am listening and praying for all concerned. You are one, strong and beautiful person!

JJ said it so succinctly. I agree!

kate, I'm so glad to hear you are going to have a support system around you who are going through similar situations. Good for you for getting the courage to attend the first meeting.

How are you doing on the medication?

Also, just want you to know there's another forum where we are talking about WORRY! You're not the only one who worries. It's in the Our Bodies forum.

Thanks for asking Dotsie.
The medication was good for about a week, then I felt terrible, not sure why. My doctor couldn't explain it. She increased the dose and I feel better this week. I was talking half a sleeping pill nightly because the medication keeps you awake. I now try to do without and it seems to be better. I'll give it a chance and see how it goes.
Thanks for the heads up about WORRY. I'll check that out for sure.
Kate

My son is now 6 hours away at his 5th treatment centre.
For the past few weeks he has had a really rough time. I hope it's his rock bottom. Some drug dealers he ripped off caught up with him and beat him up. They found out where he was staying and said they would be back.
That was the only place left for him to stay. He has burned all his bridges in that department. So, he called and asked to stay with me. I said no. I also called both grandmas and his Dad and told them to say no to him if he called. He was so mad at me as he found out I had done that. I figured if he had "0" options he would be forced to look at himself and his choices.

He spent one night in my backyard, one night in his Dad's car, one night at a shelter. I met him downtown across the street from the shelter. He called me and begged for me to see him. This place is so horrible. People do drugs right out in the open, stick needles in their arms. I sat with my son, it was a nice sunny day. I said, look at all those people over there. Most of them were drunk, some stoned all laying about on sleeping bags in the parking lot. I said to my son "I don't see their mothers coming to their aid" He heard me loud and clear.

I went with him to the Salvation Army down the street as he begged me to help him. He did not want to spend another night at that horrible shelter. They have cots close together and you really take your life in your hands. There is little supervision and some people sneak in weapons. He was scared and I knew it. I also knew that it was necessary for him to be scared and extremely uncomfortable. The Salvation Army shelter does not allow drugs. You have to be clean to stay there. They have paid beds so I told my son I would pay for one night but that's it. He would have to get up at 5am, line up and try to get a free bed the next night. He wanted me to pay for a week. I wanted him to do something about his situation. They give out 10 nights per month for a free bed but they are really hard to come by. I went home and prayed. He got up at 5am and got the 10 nights. A miracle. I had talked to the guy at the front desk when I paid, I hoped that helped. I think my son getting up at 5am helped too which was another good sign. Last year I had offered to pay for him to stay at a very nice hostel for a month after a few times of getting evicted from the room he was staying at. He said "I don't stay at hostels" He has sure changed his tune.

Later I called the treatment centre to see if he was really on the waiting list. They said they finally got all the paper work and there would be a bed for him in two days.( I had helped him get the paperwork started and took him to get the necessary medical tests done weeks before)

So, yesterday I put him on the bus. I said, when you get there and you want to leave (which he always does) just think about the shelter and all those people out front as that will be your new home if you decide to drop out of the program this time.

I hope he makes it but it's up to him, as always. Over the years I have slowly done less and less for him to the point of shutting the door on my house completely.

He knows now if he comes back he will get beat up, and will be on the street. I hope that is enough to help him to stay.
I know logically for me it would be, but the drug addict doesn't think logically that's the problem.
He had to be clean for 72 hours before he could go to the centre and he managed to do that on his own so that was a good sign.
I'll keep you updated.
Kate

Bless you, Kate, for being a really great mom. It takes courage and love to do all that you have done. My son has told me (now that he's clean and sober) that he always knew that I would be there for him if and when he decided to make a change and that knowing that was important.

I pray that you and your son will be strong and well and surrounded by light.

You love him enough to do what your heart tells you. You are one wonderful Mother. I so admire your courage and strength. I pray that he will also find that same strength inside and find a new way. God bless you all.

thanks for the up-date so far kate and as always i hope that this time the time your boy dose it and dose it for good..
tough as it is seeing him in that situasion it takes guts and strenth of conviction to stick to your planes and allow him the consiquinces of his actions and thats what helps people bottom out and reeck a hell they wont want to go back to. Great going love i reallie hopfull for you all.

also congratulasions on making the narannon team i sure they gonna be a great resorcs and support for you...and someday down the line your gonna be their for another new commer just comming in, peer supports so very valuable.

good luck with it all i will be thinking of ya x

You did all the right things. I know what it's like, the worry and everything and as mothers we always have this guilt that maybe we did something wrong. In truth, they made their own choices.

It is always hard to say 'no' to a child. My younger son got into some trouble and 'disappeared' for about 6 months. Nobody heard from him during that time, and that was really worrisome. Although he was an adult at the time, it doesn't make it any easier. He straightened out his life and is now a happily married man with kids of his own. I know it's hard for you, but you have to take care of yourself and your other kids. Going to Naranon sounds like a good thing for you. Being with others who are going through the same things really helps. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Just a quick update. My son has been in treatment for a month now. Yeh!
He has only lasted a week on four other occasions.
He is about six hours from me but keeps in contact by phone.
So far so good!
Kate

Happy to report it has now been a month and a half. My son is doing incredible. He had a set back as there is major flooding in the area and everyone was to evacuate the treatment centre. 150 addicts have to find alternative housing for a month, then they can come back. They were given little notice.

Some took the opportunity to go home, I'm sure back to their old lifestyle. Others including my son found alternative housing arrangements. In the past, he would have come home too, using the evacuation as an excuse. But, on his own he called all the other treatment centres in the province and is moving in to a new place today.

He called me this morning to let me know. This time I stayed out of it, did not try to fix, let him handle it, and he did.

My friend just emailed me today to brag about her daughter who got a scholarship to University, she is a wonderful kid.
I know my friend tries to be careful as she knows my situation. I'm glad she emailed to brag. We live 2 hours away from each other so stay in touch by email with the odd visit thrown in.

I am just as happy as she is. My son didn't finish high school but he is in recovery, and that is something to brag about too!
Kate

it definatlie something to brag about kate, i just so happie he doing so well and by the sounds of it making a real go of it.

maybee not imidiatlie but if he sticks at this recoverie bussiness he might be having a schollershiop someday, who knows in what direction his life will take him from this point onwards...its all before him

Yes, Kate. It is definitely something to brag about! My younger son didn't finish high school either, yet as I look at his insight and maturity versus his older brother, who did finish, I'm not sure what a high school diploma did! :-)) These will be our wounded healers who, I believe, are capable of making a supreme difference in the world because they know, at a very deep level, what it means to be all alone and what it means when there is a hand to help them.

Casey/Celtic, good comments and I agree totally, well put.
I believe that my son will make a difference someday, and yes he now has alot of insight. After all of the counselling and group meetings he attends and now leads, I think he's getting it.

Addiction is powerful though, so the longer he stays with the meetings the better.

He used to think he could do it all on his own, now he tells a different story. He firmly believes that if you don't go to meetings every day you'll slip up.

The thing that helps him the most are the people who have been there setting an example. He phoned me the other day and said the couple running the recovery house are so nice. He told me the husband was in jail for 25 years. Can you believe it. They said to him, "welcome to our family" that meant so much to him. He also told me that they have their phone with them day and night and if he needs them to call.
God bless these people and all others that spend their lives helping addicts. They've been there done that, and that is why they make a difference in these addicts lives. Only they truly know what it's like.
Kate

kate, and the beauty of all this is that he's doing it for himself. I am so glad he made arrangements for himself. You must be so proud. What a big step for him!

Who knows? He may be one of those helping addicts in the future! Wouldn't that be cool?