Hi girls,

I have heard it said that it's not about finding the right spouse; it is "being" the right spouse. I do alot of couple mediation and I think that one of the most important questions is, are you lovable, likable, and easy to get along with? What do you look like to him?

Would you want to be married to you? Why and why not and what are you going to do about it?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Cheers,
darlene

If I was a man of God, I absolutely would want to be married to someone like me.
I believe it is essential to have a spouse who has a sacrificial love for all. Someone who is prayerful, faithful, honest, forgiving, merciful, humble and giving. I try, with God's help, to be that every day, not only for my husband but for all those around me. I always fall short but each morning, I give it another shot.
I wish I could say the same about him...

What an interesting question. I've been married three times and with my first husband, I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me. I was a wreck. I had no self esteem, I was beaten down, emotionally battered and I didn't fight back, not until the very end.

My second marriage was a mistake from the day I said "yes". My maid of honor tried to talk me out of the wedding, but I felt obligated after all the plans we made. It wasn't a great way to start a marriage. And, I take responsibility for getting myself into that situation and getting myself out. So, I wouldn't want to have been married to me then.

Now. My last marriage (um, my current one?) Anyway, this marriage, I'm a totally different person. I'm strong, emotionally and mentally. I love my husband desparately. He's my sun, moon, and stars. But, I wasn't always so strong. We worked at it. He helped me build up my self esteem. It's a true working relationship. He gives me the confidence to disagree with him some times when we're discussing certain subjects. He was there when I was diagnosed with Bipolar and he stood by me during all the medication challenges. I wasn't always the most happiest person during that time. I didn't make a very good spouse.
So, I guess I'm talking myself out of being married to me in the beginning, but now? Yes, I think I make a great spouse. I'm giving, caring, appreciative, supporting, tolerant and loving.

Yes, I would want to be married to me. I am trouble, but just enough to keep it fun and interesting. If I was the lazy type, unwilling to keep working on the relationship and unwilling to grow as a person, then I would not want to be married to me, but I also would not want to BE me either.

Not really. It will be much too boring to go through life in constant agreement with a replica of myself because I may not be right all the time and the decisions I make may, at times, not be sound ones because it would only consider unilateral positions. There are however a few of what I value most that I would like the other to be an exact image of me which would be faith in God, honesty and unconditional love. Those would be non-negotiables.

I suppose if a I were a man (oh NO) and liked easy going, loved laughter, neatness, intelligence, super work ethic, admired true commitment, help in whatever he does with no lies or deceit and what-you-see is what-you-get, an unselfish dedication to help animals, children and the elderly, then yes, I would love being married to me..

No. I mean, I think I"m a good spouse, and I know I'm an easy-going person, non-judgmental, supportive, and able to balance a checkbook on the first try. However, what makes our marriage work is that we complement each other. He has far more drive and ambition (if we leaned on MY ambition, we'd fall into the soup!), he's more self-disciplined. On the other hand, I'm probably more understanding, and I definitely have dealt better with the kids over the years.

I believe he's more affectionate than I am, which is certainly an attraction for me. I tend to be reserved and he loosens me up. So, I'd say, I'm glad HE likes being married to me, but I wouldn't attract me at all!

Viva la diference!

I agree with dejavu. My husband and I are different people. I think if I were married to myself, I'd have divorced me years ago!

Dejavu & TVC, you both said what I wanted to say much better than I did!

Of course, I think what Darlene was getting at was the Golden Rule thing. Am I as good a spouse to my husband as I'd want him to be to me? Do I do things that help him WANT to be married to me, as I'd hope he would do for me?

I think a lot of it has to do with putting ourselves in each others' shoes. Like, I know when my husband comes home after work, he's beat. He doesn't want a lot of hoo-ha and noise and commotion; he wants peace and quiet and a good dinner. So I try to give him that. (I save the hoo-ha for later!)

And he knows I need a sense of connectiveness, a catching up on each others' day, an exchange of ideas and thoughts and feelings. So even though he wasn't raised in a very verbal home, he's learned to listen to me and talk with me and share his life (AFTER the peace, quiet, and hot dinner, of course...).

We still have areas where we'll probably never completely meet each other's needs or wishes. I'll never be athletic. He'll never be interested in cleaning out the garage. (It could be FUN! Really!!) But I think, over the years, we HAVE tried to incorporate the Golden Rule thing. I think a lot of couples are wanting the other person to 'change', but don't look at what they themselves are doing to the relationship.

Hmmmm
I believe this question is interpreted differently by different people. I thought it meant "am I a good spouse" and not "am I the person I want to be with". Totally different answer for each question.

No, I would not want to be married to the exact person I am. Compimentary colors and spouses (and co-workers, etc) are what I crave.

I am a great partner? Yes. And I would like to be married to a person with my integrety.

Like Anno, I'm trouble too! Must love dogs, cats and horses, too! Having separate interest is a good idea, I need my space and individuality and would expect the same of a spouse. I recycle, and could not see myself w/ someone who does not; however, I don't cook! So, if he wants to eat I have an apron, and in exchange don't mind yard work!

Right now I wouldn't want to be married to me. My stress meter has hit the top and overflowed. I need a vacation in the worst way. You just know when you shouldn't be in a relationship and that you just need to be YOU and recharge your batteries.

I don't even like myself much right now, so I know someone else wouldn't be pleased with me either. I'm trying to find the way back to me and the woods have grown thicker and the foiliage is deeper. I need a big machete to get back but I'll make it.

I agree with you Bluebird. I think I have lots of the qualities I would want in a mate. Dave is very much similar in personality to mine though we both think the other has a bigger heart.

Hey Newleaf, where the heck have you been? I for one was wondering what ever happened with the daughter in prison, your ex, or soon to be ex, your move, new job and the grandbaby? Sometimes "no news is good news." I hope thats the case with you.

Hi Chatty,
Katie is going for a reconsideration by a new judge on Sept 28th. On October 1st she will have completed the Second Chance program and with flying colors. She may be coming home in a week or so! I can't believe it but even if things don't turn out that way, she will be home fairly soon.
Dublin, her six yr. old son is living here now also along with his father. I have a one bedroom tiny tiny apartment and right now there are four people living in it. I have been sleeping at night at my ex husband's huge home because there's not room for me in my own apartment.
Dublin and Aaliyah are thrilled to be back together.

My husband and I are still married. The judge awarded me the money I hoped I might get. My husband and I have been separated for almost a year now. I was reading something interesting on one of those psychic websites about breaking up with someone. It said that when a couple are together, they put out a chemical and the other person becomes addicted to the other's chemical. Could that be true??? He hasn't changed at all and is feeling soooo self righteous now that my grandson has moved in with me also. He says I will never be free to spend all my time and energy on him.
I think he is just about the most boring person I've ever known. I have the divorce papers and have to fill them out and sign them. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I really don't.

I think you should tell him what you said here..."You bore me."

Welcome back and hang in there.

Newleaf, you were on my mind so much yesterday and if I could have made it to my compter, I was going to start a new topic "Has anyone heard from Newleaf??"
So glad to hear Katie is almost home. What a relief for you.
((HUGS))

I just mentioned newleaf in another post. That is so weird. Welcome back. It's so good to hear your voice again.

As far as this question goes...one ting I always try to remember is that we are to outdo (is that a word?) one another with kindness. I try very hard to remember this while in relationship with my husband. We truly enjoy making one another happy. By the grace of God, lots of communicating and time spent together, alone, with family and friends, we have figured out what one another enjoys. This is so important, especially now that it is only the two of us.

I believe our faith has lots to do with it.

We have some friends who think we are so lucky because we get along so well. I don't think it's luck. It's hard work, living our faith, and putting the other first that works for us. Like I tell my kids, you can't be married and be selfish. It just doesn't work.

The marriages I know of that have failed, unfortuantely have done so because one of the partners was selfish. The same is true of couples who are together and unhappy.

Eagle Heart,

I think your name describes your insides very well. Born to fly and wanting to grow and learn. That is why your husband loves you and many on this forum love you. We are all learning and developing together. Please honor your self for all the wonderful inner qualities you have that become larger each day. You are a great person and focus on that.

Cheers, Darlene

Heck yeah! I love living on the edge. And if I was married to me, I would be on the edge a lot!!! Actually, I do like my own company so it would be a marriage made in heaven. Did I mention I'm very humble? :-)

Kathleen

Darlene, it's 12:44am, I was lying in bed feeling so intolerably lonely and sad, so finally gave up, came down here to see if anything was going on in here. Although you posted your note on Oct 30th, I only just read it now. And it was so what I needed to hear tonight. Thank you.

My hub says I keep him entertained and he's learned to shift gears in the middle of a conversation. I jump from one topic to the other quickly. I had to laugh when his son said he was also learning to do it too!

We're complete opposites. He's quiet and reserved and me? Gads, you gals know! He's shy but makes great eye contact when meeting people. With my OCD, I'm busy counting the buttons on their clothing!

He says I treat him very nice so I'll take that as the truth. He treats me very well too. Now, this is after a few years of some not so nice treatment of each other.

I AM married to me.

There are three that inhabit my being; Me, Myself and I , and WE do okay being single. We find ways to keep ourselves entertained and happy! !!!!!