As ya'll know, I'm a co-founder of Childless Not By Choice. One part of our ministry is to educate others about how to respond to others (espcially woman) when YOU hear of their loss of a dream...bearing a child. And later on, grandchildren.

But, before I go on, I'd like everyone's approval to do this. Through my years of educating, I've gotten many responses like, "Oh, i just don't know what to say'. or "Please tell me how".

So, if you say it's ok,I'll begin my "class" on educating. Also, if you have any questions or comments, please post them which can help me answer specific concerns or questions.

Thanks...i feel safe here to discuss this.

Di, please do. And let the questions start by my asking about the lost of the dream. Are you referring to them never having children because of medical reasons? Or maybe the children they have CHOOSE not to bear grandchildren? I think "childless" can cover many things and giving us the scoop on it from the get-go might help educate us all. At least it would me!

JJ

It's the ones who did not choose childlessness. It's a definite difference!!

It can be medical, or a spouse does not want to have more (some already have children from previous marriages), some "naturally' never had any etc.

Thanks for asking for clarification, jawjaw!

Also, if your children choose not to have children,then you would be "grandchildless not by choice". That would be a whole 'nother category!

Or, it can be your children cannot bear children for many reasons,(as state in my post above) so you still are GNBC.

Oh yes, Di, please do. It will be a tremendous help. I have friends whose daughters have chosen not to have children, for various reasons. Sometimes I forget how they must feel when I speak about my grandchildren.

Di, I think grandchildlessness (is that a word?) would definitely be an issue. I know many people who for various reasons don't have grandchildren and would love to have one. That is a lost dream too.

Thanks for the explanations. It does help. I have a friend who's son is gay and a long time ago I said something about one of my grandchildren and she said, "I'll never know that joy." It broke my heart into that I could have been so thoughtless! I was devastated. I am more careful now when I go to bore someone to tears about my grandchildren. I consider the people I'm talking to and their feelings. Absolutely! She taught me a valuable lesson!

JJ

My very first suggestion would be this:

When you meet a woman for the very first time..DON'T ASK!

"Don't ask what?" you ask. Don't ask how many children they have. Of course, if you already know, then fine.

But that is one of the hardest questions we experience. We have to say "None".Even if we have step children, it is NOT the same! (side note: I have a friend who has both and she told me the other day that when others make such comments as 'oh, you're a step mom..you DO have kids',she says 'no way is it the same'".)

If, by chance, the conversation DOES go into the fact that a woman does/could not have children, do NOT:

ask why..This gets into someone's "bedroom" scene and is a very personal...too personal, in fact...question. Please don't go there.

offer ridiculous advice ie; "to 'use' a certain sex position; have dh wear boxer shorts; etc etc etc.

say "why don't you adopt?". Believe me..we have ALL thought of these things. And adoption must be an agreement between both husband/wife. Sometimes it's financial issues; sometimes one spouse does not WANT to adopt". Don't ask!

Make terrible comments like:

"You can have mine" (we are likely to ask you to begin drawing up the adoption papers!) I'm likely to say, "Do your kids know you do not want them? Even though it may be intended for "jest", we are very hurt and it does NOT help make things easier.

"Kids are not all they are cracked up to be". Oh? Do your kids know you say that about them? Shame on you!

"You're not missing much'. Same as above.

"They are so much work". ha! Can we trade?

Also, re; grandparenting. Same thing.

I was in a circle of much older ladies who were all sharing grandchildren photos. One asked me, "How many do yOU have?" "None", I replied, uncomfortably and sadly.

Do not assume that ALL women were able to bear a child! The numbers say that 10% of the US population of women are infertile. That means if you are at a luncheon with 10 women, one is likely to not have children, not by her choice.

Please, these really are personal, heart-wrenching comments and questions.

When you DO meet a new acquaintance, ask;

About her personally;

"Do you have family in the area?" That will open her up to share whatever she wants.

If you do know, for a fact,that a woman COULD not have kids, simply say 'I'm sorry for your loss". Period!

Also, even in the event of a miscarriage:

Do not say; oh, you can try again. WE must mourn the loss/death of this baby. Whether it was just a few weeks into gestation or further along. A sympathy card, flowers is appropriate. And it is NOT God's will for us to die. So, saying if it was for the best is WRONG! Then why are we feeling so forlorn and sad?

I know this is a bit wordy, but God has called me to educate the world, as much as I can, about 'our world' of CNBC'hood (Childless not by choice)

Conversations;

We in our peer group often wonder: Do women have a life outside their children/grandchildren?

I cannot tell you how many I, and many of my peers, have lost friends because women do not know how to hold conversations that do NOT include children. Granted,we realize that they are a huge part of your lives, but we long to have conversations with our dear friends without feeling like we stick out like sore thumbs.

Sadly we have nothing to offer. Granted, we are happy that you are happy. Remember; WE are extremely saddened by the fact that we cannot join in these conversations.

Please be considerate that not all the world had kids.

Sorry if I sound a bit strong here, but if you knew the life of a CNBC'er you'd understand how we have conversations about how others don't "get it".

Unless you've walked in someones moccasins.......