Since this Forum is brand new I was wondering who here is a widow?

I am. My husband died 4/10/1997 from cancer.

I sure hope that we can help one another because I still get so stressed from all of this sometimes that I don't think I can keep pushing on.

Good morning all,
I'm so sorry for your loss ChristinaR. My husband died 02/23/04. Can't believe it's been over two years already. It's been the hardest two years of my life. It's also been the most enlightening. It's been two years of re-inventing myself, soul-searching, and re-evaluating priorities. I came to the realization that after being a daughter, sister, wife, mother, SIL, MIL, and grandmother, and giving to all of them the last 57 years, it's time to take care of me.
Anyway, thanks Dotsie, for providing this forum, where widows can come and talk to others in this same awful little "club." We really need each other. Other family members and friends go on with their lives much the same as always, but we're the ones whose worlds have turned upside down. Talking helps.

I was widowed at a very young age with a new baby and the marriage was to the dearest, kindest and funniest man which has made it so hard to be with any other. I did find someone the exact opposite of number 1 and we managed to stay together for 14 years, he passed away as well back in 2000. I have always wondered if number 1 had lived if we would have been celebrating our life together in April which would have been our 48th anniversary. There was and is a hole in my heart and a longing that can never be extinguished...I remarried number 3 but divorced him so I wouldn't kill him myself. I do believe the old saying that only the good die young!

[ March 25, 2006, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Hi Everyone,
I am also a widow, it will be a year on April 14,2006. I'm still adjusting, taking baby steps daily. I have 5 grown, married children, 7 grandchildren and a new one due in June. I do count my Blessings but the nights are long and lonely. I'm 57 and sort of feel like I need to do something other than work but haven't figured out what to do by myself. I'm so glad we have this site, the one where no one really wants to be...Sometimes faceless friends are the best
Looking forward to reading the new posts..

lin, welcome! Glad to see you jumped right in and began posting.

I'm sorry to hear fo your loss. Glad to hear you're surrounded by family.

What do yo like to do? Maybe we can help you find ways to make your evenings less lonely.

Heck, to begin with...you can always come here!

Hi Dotsie,
Well here I am, posting like crazy. To be honest Dotsie, I have been a mom/wife/grandma all my life and never thought about what I like to do. No one ever asked me that before. Food for thought? Hummmmm
Doesn't seem to be very busy here. Hopefully we'll hear from the others that posted.
I just love this place..
Hugs
Lin

I was widowed many years ago -- due to a 17 yr old drunk driver -- I think lack of closure was the worst part ---

lin -- it's amazing how we can live our whole lives for others isn't it -- perhaps this is "your" time now -- and you will find a "you" that accomplishes wonderful things

women who have been widowed may not need to post in this particular thread every day -- there are so many other places in the forum to chat and share, laugh and shake our heads -- but it's really nice to know that there is one place to go to just "vent" on "those" days

THANKS DOTSIE

Can this me my venting place.. not really venting, just being very sad today. Tomorrow is my husbands birthday. He was like a child on his special day and of course the kids and I made it seem like a national holiday. My plans for tomorrow are to go to the cemetary and get his grave ready for the spring and summer flowers. It's still cold here but I can put the fresh topsoil on and rearrange everything after the winter winds. Last year he took the grandchildren to the park to fly kites on his birthday. He was such a child when it came to them. Nothing was to silly or to much trouble. He even ate scrambled eggs with blue food coloring in it when our youngest grandson read "Green Eggs and Ham" for the first time and just knew Poppop would love them. He said they were the best eggs he ever had. If I had only known that was going to be his last birthday with us! I would have rented the biggest stadium in the country and would have had everyone celebrate this wonderful man who was taken much to soon! This whole world is a much lesser place without him!
I do know that I'll see him again, God still has things for me to accomplish here. I'm working real hard to deserve a place in Heaven and I know he'll be waiting for me.
Everyone says the "first" everthing is the hardest and this to shall pass. It just feels good to put words to paper, even cyber paper.
Thanks for listening..
Gentle hugs,
lin

lin, I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I'm sure you realize how fortunate you are to have had such a wonderful husband. You will always have him in your children, who certainly will have many of his good qualities.

Daisygirl

Lin, I can't say that it really gets easier. But it gets different. As time passes the constant ache that you are feeling right now eases off. But if you are like me you will still have that feeling of "what do I do with my life now". Like you I was a full-time wife and stay at home Mom. With my husband dead and my son grown I feel as if nobody needs me. I am here but I often ask myself Why am I here? Some days I feel like an invisible person. If I just disappeared like that Chesire Cat in Alice in Wonderland I feel like nobody would notice. I only have a High School education so getting a job with no skills that are marketable and no more education than that is impossible. I feel as if I don't really fit in ahywhere anymore. I hope that I am making sense.

lin, I have not lost a spouse, but Mom died five years ago. I guess my two cents is that during the first year, the anticipation of the day was always worse than the day itself. I pray this is true in your case. Thinking of you and sending warm prayers and thoughts your way.

Christina, I wouldn't let the high school education bother you. This may be too personal so you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Just soemthing to think about. Do you need money? If not, why not get a job doing something that really turns you on ((old terminology, forgive me, but you know what I mean). I see this as a time for you to recreate yourself. Want to talk about it? Have you read any books about recreating yourself at midlife? I can share a few titles if you are interested.

Christina, I hope I didn't come on too strong. I only want to help you rediscover your purpose. We all have them. Sometimes we just need to soul search to redefine ourselves. I've been there and done that. That's how this site was started. I was in a valley searching because my kids no longer needed me as much and I was always a SAHM too.

I can email you a copy of the speech I did yesterday about redefining ourselves if you'd like.

Thank you all so much. I just got home from work and found your posts. What a wonderful group of women!
My oldest son left a message while I was working. He's going to the cemetary with me tomorrow, all the kids and I are going out for lunch and then..the grandchildren are having a balloon release for Poppop! My children made arrangements to have the day off to spend with me. Talk about a surprise! That had to be some arranging, I have one son who's an attorney, 2 of my daughters are nurses, 1 daughter is a Paramedic in Pittsburgh and my oldest son is a supervisor at at GM. This had to be in the works for quite awhile!
Christina, you have no idea of the marketable skills you have. I hire retail merchandisers for Hallmark almost everyday. The majority of them have high school diplomas, have spent their lives doing the hardest job of all, raising and caring for their families. I have 41 stores in PA,OH,MD,and WV and I know we are always looking for someone. I don't know what area you are in but check out some of the websites. NARMS.com,Hiringedge.com and so many other. These sites are retail based and have opening all over. What can you lose right?
Gentle hugs,
Lin

See lin the children did inherit their fathers kindness, love and regard for others and are showing that now with what they are doing for you and their father to honor his special day with you....You must be so proud and I bet he is too...

lin, sounds like you raised very thoughtful children. How was the ballon ascension?

We did that the first Easter after Mom died. Everyone wrote her a little note and put it in the balloon. Then we all stood on my sister's front yard and released them at the same time. We didn't care about polluting the atmosphere. We had heavenly things in mind.

Are you feeling any better now that his big day is behind you?

Was the anticipation better or worse than the day itself?

Good Morning
The day was very difficult but the balloon release was beautiful. So many colors floating towards the blue sky. I was hopeing to find a deflated one in my yard (a sign?) but it didn't happen. Not to sure why I thought it would... One more first coming up, the anniversay of his death, April 14th. I think you're right, the anticipation is awful but every month on the 14th I think it's been 1 month, 2 months etc and relive the moment I found him. Sometimes it seems so long ago and other times like it happened yesterday. Time is so relative.
I've been wondering about Christina. If you read this Christina please post and let me know how you are.

lin, glad to hear it is behind you and you are still making memories with your family. That's a good t hing. I'm sure hubby is watching with joy and very grateful that your kids are still looking out for you.

Strange to me that even 48 years later I can still sit quietly in the darkened house and listen to music that reminds me of our time together when we were young and so much in love. My Eddie loved the singer Jackie Wilson and his music still after all this time makes me cry....Time may heal but it never erases.

Thank God time doesn't erase our memories but they are bitter sweet aren't they? Some songs bring a slight smile and some are so heart wrenching.
Gentle hugs,
Lin

Bittersweet is the perfect word to describe many of our feelings. We look at other couples and even though we do not wish them any pain we have a bittersweet pang wondering what we would have been like if our spouse had only lived. It is difficult to describe , at least for me. But it is with us always.

You're so right Christina. I see older couples holding hands and think thats how we had planned to be..old, grey, retired and holding on to each other. I still reach across the bed in the mornings and feel that horrible lonely pain...
Baby steps everyday and tell myself to breathe.
Gentle hugs....

Linn656,
It must be hard to reach for flesh and blood and grasp a memory, but you are blessed with memories.

Even the pain must be greater than the emptiness of never having known real love.

I'm praying for you today.

smile

I think the finality of death is the hardest part for me. If my husband and I quareled I always knew all I had to do was hug him and say sorry and all was alright but now there is nothing to say and no one there to hug and make it all better, just emptyness.....

Smile, how right you are , I have said over and over again I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful marriage and have known in my heart that I was truly loved and loved him with heart and soul. This is what keeps me going. My sweet husband spent his whole life making me happy. What a disservice to him if I would crawl under the blankets in my bed and give up on life. I continue to live and love, I am sooo blessed with a wonderful family. I miss him every minute of every day but depend on him and the Lord to keep me going.
Chatty Lady, it is the hugs that we miss. Just knowing that there were open arms to hold us,whether we were happy or sad leaves such a void now that they are gone..
Gentle hugs,
Lin

I'm sure you have days when you can count the blessings, then days when you wallow for no longer having them.

I think that's a typical rollercoaster ride. I know I did that so much after Mom died. It depended on my mood...and those modds are such lovely treats at midlife!

Lin656, How right Dotsie is. And remember we are here for you no matter what your mood.

smile

Good Morning Ladies,
For me it is definitely the hugs and kisses I miss. My husband was a very loving man, very demonstrative with me. Shortly after he died, it hit me that he would never put his arms around me, give me that grin and kiss me, ever again. It was like being socked in the stomach. I miss him so much and it's still hard to get through the days. It makes me cry just looking at my own words here. It still hurts a lot. Talking to you gals helps. Writing in my blog helps too. Just connecting to other women in this horrid little "club" makes a tremendous difference. We have to support each other. You gals are great!
Thanks for listening

Went to see the site and add a comment...

Good Morning..
I woke up this morning crying. That hasn't happened in quite awhile. I don't know if I was dreaming but what a crummy way to start the day.I feel like I'm on a count down to "the day". It will be 1 year on Friday, April 14 and I keep trying to remember what I was doing this time last year. I was happy! Was I so ignorant in my happiness that I didn't notice something I should have? Was there a sign I missed! How does a perfectly healthy man just drop dead! We went away the weekend before he died. We stayed at a great hotel and saw Kenny Rogers in concert. We were like newlyweds on their honeymoon!The next weekend I was burying him... I don't understand it, I never will... We did everything right. We were kids when we married. We worked hard, put ourselves through college, raised wonderful kids, put them through college, watched them get married and have babies and now was supposed to be OUR time.
I rarely ask for anything for myself but please, if you read this, pray for me...
Lin

Ladies,

Although I am not a widow, I hope you do not mind my replying.

But, sometimes I feel as though I am widowed. Having experienced the "death" of a dream of having children, I,too, am learning to live without what I had in my mind and heart.

As many of you know, I am co-founder of an online support place for the childless (see my signature). We have often mentioned that, when we educate those who have never experienced childlessness, that it is likened to a "death".

After reading your posts here, I can see that to be true. Difference is...you all have had the physical presence of your loved ones, we've dreamed it, felt it and hoped for it. I am still "learning" to be without someone after all these years. My belief is that God placed the "nurture" in me that is very difficult to put forth and utilize without someone to receive. Yes, we have pets and I do mentor others, but you all know that having children is way different from pets, nieces, nephews, siblings, spouses etc. They are the only thing women physically and miraculously bear and that connection is something so unique that only God has been able, will be able, to create it.

My DH is 7 years older so, statistically, he could predecease me. Then what? I'll be alone. Really alone. Not a fun thing to think about at 7 am, but reality..that is IF he predeceases me.

Why am I here, you ask? I want to learn from you all who have gone down the road of "the shadow of death". My Dad experienced Mom's death when I was 18 (she was 9 days short of her 44th birthday, Dad was 47). It was not a pretty picture.

One thing I have learned both from Dad and you ladies right here is that, even though you have had children, they do not replace your beloved spouse. Although having children, I would imagine, can be a lovely reminder of your departed DH's. That love you shared that brought forth your "arrows", as the bible calls children, can never be taken away by death or separation.

Thank you for allowing me to read your inner-most thoughts and emotions about this very difficult and multi-facted subject.

I have not "buried" my dream children, yet. But perhaps I should. I've always felt that those who've had the "news" of a child coming only to miscarry or experience a stillbirth, were more apt to have a "funeral", but now I am thinking that I may need to have a funeral for my lost dreams.

P.S. I am still trying to find out "who I am"!

[ April 07, 2006, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Di ]

I'm so sorry Lin. This must be such a hard time for you. I'm praying for you now and I'm sure others will as well.
smile

Dear lin656 -- I understand and right now I'm watching my husband fade away from cancer. I've been crying all week -- just wanted to let you know that I'm reading your posts and sending you lots of love and light. Our son died in 1997 and now Ed will be going......spirit must have something wonderful in store for me to take my loved ones. It takes quite a while to get over a loss like yours - allow yourself the process and be glad that you do have children and grandchildren to help you. Hugs, Rev. Dr. Betsie H. Poinsett

So much heartache.

Betsie, do you have support during this time? I sure hope you have soem family and friends nearby who can lift you up and give you a break. What is your husband's prognosis?

Lyn, I don't recall where I posted this, but the anticipation of big days during the first year after Mom's death were always worse than the actual days. I know you can't compare the death of a mother to the death of a spouse, but that's all I have to show empahty at this point.

Di,I don't know how one puts closure on a situation like yours. My empathy comes to you from the short period of four years of infertility when I recall wondering what I would do with my life if I never had kids. I'm so sorry you are still living like that.

I don't know where all of you are with your faith, but there's a verse in Corinthians:

My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.

I pray God recognizes your weakness during these difficult times and gives you tremendous power to overcome your sadness. He will give you strength.

And I never mean to trivialize anything by sharing verses. My intention is to help.

Hi All: I'm new to this forum, but I'm glad to have gotten here..I thihk...as a 51 widow of 2 young children, I'm never sure of anything. My husband of 27 yrs died 1/25/04. Our children are now 9 and 11. I miss him everyday, as does his children!

I found this forum as I was searching for "midlife crisis" and how much of that plays into the scheme of life right now...how much is widowhood? how much is my own persona?

As I type I'm sitting in a hotel getting ready to audition for acceptance into a university music therapy program....seems that creative outlet is common for midlifers..?? To accept that placement, means uprooting my whole family from the small small town I've always lived to the city..its a gamble in all respects, emotionally, educationally, and financially...(I'm poor:-0) I'm not sure what to do...what is in the best interest of everyone? THe kids are getting an adequate, but certainly not *fine* education...and I look at being financially solvent in 2 years if I stay put. I work part time doing music therapy w/o the credentials (nor calling myself that)

I want my husband back...I want my life back. I want that surity that came in those earlier years. I want to know that I'm doing the right thing, even if I fail at it all, that its the right thing to do...to try.

I'm just lost lost lost and have 2 young ones depending on me...it gets a bit overwhelming somedays! I need to do whats right for them, as well as for me, as well as for us as a family..Whats the answer to that?

well, I feel better having vented....what a way to make an introduction! Now I better go practice a bit before I head off to the University

Thanks for being here...

Marla, I'm catching you right after you posted. Good luck with your audition. I think it's great that you have the gumption to do this. That shows you are heading in the right direction.

I'm sure being a widow of relatively young kids is tough. Do you have family in town?

I hope you will browse BWS and www.nabbw.com. Both sites should be instrumental in helping you on your journey.

Stick around. We have loads of fun together.

Is it gumption or stupidity? Am I just trying to capture the lost youth? Am I chasing after rainbows? Am I running from the sadness?

I feel like it could be a new life, but is that really just a midlife response, particularly a midlife response as a widow.

I'm most fearful of the change of lifesytle from a very remote country setting to fully urban...YIKES...is that nuts?
m

p.s Thanks Dotsie....forgot my manners there for a minute....I appreciate the note and the support. I'll post a note when I get back to a computer today to let you know how I did. I'm not so keen on performing for "professionals"...but this part at least is not going to change anything...yet...I think..maybe, Heck, I dunno:-0

Welcome snapsister to the forum and I for one hope you knock their socks off....Follow your heart, recapture your youth if you can and why not? You are still here, still alive as are the rest of us widows and I for one try to make my husbands (widowed twice) proud of what I have become and strong for my children in their fathers absence....As the saying goes; Life goes on. Maybe not happily all the time but it does go on none the less. God is always by your side just ask when you need his comfort, he gives it freely.

Marla - no matter how you do on your audition - we're all very proud of you for just TRYING OUT!!

Living is all about the journey -- and you have started out on a new adventure. It may not be the path you choose to follow forever - but it's a path just the same. And if it doesn't work out the way you thought it might - no biggie - there's another adventure just around the corner.

GOOD LUCK !!

so, how did it go?

thank you all! I came away highly flattered that I was accepted "hands down" into the program. I got to perform A Touch of Gods Hand in a cathedral (where the auditions were held)...what a thrill! This was the song sang at my late husbands wake....our children accompanied me.

After a night sleep, and a drive around, though, I'm 95% sure I will not move here. First (and maybe foremost) is the fact that the cost of living is more than I can do. If it was just me, without the kids, it would be different.

So as much as I would love to have the degree and experience of playing that level of music, I cannot justify the financial risk to the family. Somewhat breaks my heart...still, the honor to have come this far with it has been a journey of waking up...to plough forward...proof to myself that all things *are* possible.

Blessings,
marla

MArla, that's okay. Maybe it will be in your future. You have to do what is best for your family.

Accept it as the boost it was meant to be! Congrats. You've got to feel good about yourself.

Marla,
Maybe you could look around for a sponsor of some kind. Seems like most scholarships are for young people, but there must be someone who would help you.

Maybe you could take a detour or a sabbatical. But don't give up. Maybe you could do it with distance learning or something.

If you are talented enough to make it this far, there has to be a way.

smile

Marla,
That's so exciting! If you can find a way to make it happen, fantastic. If not, the boost to your self-confidence is staggering and wonderful. At this time in your life, you need the kudos, the boosts, the strokes. You need to hear, that on your own, as as individual, you're respected, admired and trusted with such a post. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your husband's identity and forget you have one of your own.

So congratulations!

I think holidays like Easter and Christmas are the hardest for we widows. So many couples at the church services looking all smiling and happy together. They may not be and may hate one another but its hard to tell when they both have their "in public" faces on. One woman I had just met said to me, " you and your husband come over tomorrow, we always have a big bar-be-que." When I said that I was single she looked at me like I just announced I have Leprosy. I then said, sorry and thanks but I can't make it and she looked relieved....

[ April 15, 2006, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Oh chatty - that was so cruel of her. I'm sorry you had to experience that -- especially at church!!

Sometimes things just aren't what they are supposed to be are they <shaking head>

It seems I meet right in church, the most people who display the least Christian tendencies. Go figure!!! Like I would be a threat to anyones marriage....I think NOT!!!

Chatty, what's up with that? DId she think you were with someone at the time?

Remember, churches are not museums for saints. They are hospitals for sinners.

It doesn't matter if you are a widow, or single through divorce or by choice. Some people just can't handle having a single person in the group. Sometimes I wonder if that is why some women jump into poor relationships to avoid having situations like Chatty faced yesterday. If you're not comfortable by yourself it can really rattle you.

I hope you are feeling better today Chatty.

Hey not a problem. She sees me with the same group of people weekly and I think she may have thought I was married to one of these men I'm friends with. She and her husband are beautiful people with perfect children and house etc. and they entertain alot but some say she is terribly jealous if her hubby even speaks to one of the dammed (single people, LOL) I had to laugh to myself that any woman still found me a possible threat to their young husband. I am so comfortable with just being me I felt no hurt feelings but can see how someone else may have been hurt by her ungraciousness. Believe me I've dealt with her type all my life when I may have actually been a threat....

[ April 17, 2006, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I'd love to meet beautiful people with perfect children. I don't know any of them.

Good attitude chatty!

Me neither Dotsie, I only know regular people like me who all seem to have one problem or another to deal with. Some are just better at hiding the truth and pretending their lives are perfect. Whats with that anyway?

Fear.
There is this kind of wierd thought process that if someone makes everyone believe they are perfect, then no one will ever know the truth -- that they are human just like the rest of us. They are usually people who try to control what goes on around them with an iron grip. So sad....

I also think we probably don't know people well enough when we think they're perfect. We judge from a distance. Like the book title says, "Everybody's Perfect Until We Get to Know Them."

Sorry that you apparently got the same treatment I got. I have to agree with you 150% about it being the little things we widows miss. When married it was those little things that thrilled me and made me feel so special. Death ended all that for me too.

I am not a widow, but as a single woman I have experienced this blacklisting by married people, especially women. The woman I considered my best friend never invited me to any dinner parties after I got divorced. She was willing to go shopping or have lunch, but that was it.

I don't understand how people can be so mean and selfish.

Daisygirl

Daisygirl

Daisy, I don't understand it either. I sure got a quick lesson in human nature after my husband died. For one reason or another most people treated me like I had leprosy. I was shocked. I knew that years ago the old stereotype was that once a woman had experienced sex she simply could not be expected to go without it. So as soon as her husband died she was going to be trying to steal everyone else's. But this is the new Millenium! I thought surely those old stereotypes were long dead. Boy, was I wrong. I am sorry to hear that you received the same treatment.

We are all blacklisted as such once we become a widow or a divorcee (shush bad word!!!) ChristinaR I never thought of the reason you've stated above, that we are suppose to be sex starved. But now that I think about it what else could it be, we are still the same people they use to invite to everything. I will admit however that some of the husbands do behave differently towards me...In an old black and white movie they'd be twiddling there moustache as they leered at me. Maybe they think I need something too...YUK, perish the thought.

I just don't understand the logic. If I was bad enough to go for a married man, why wouldn't I do it as a married woman?

The pastor's wife of a small church I used to attend was extremely jealous of me - I won't go into details, but it was very obvious. I never said or did anything to make her feel that way. I'm not flirtatious at all - I wish I could be more, actually! I treat everyone the same, and I'm sure most decent women do also.

Daisygirl

I don't think jealousy on the part of a mans wife is our fault, married or single. I think its a flaw in her confidence in herself. I avoid at all costs anything that might give the impression I am hunting for a man, any man and still I get that "look" from some married women, go figure. It is understandable in some cases however with these flirtacious boobs their married to....

I, too, was widowed, after a long and very good marriage. So busy was I in my work as a professor and writer that I was able to compact my grief into a dull ache for a while. I taught my classes, even made jokes and laughed. Students told me later that they had no idea that I had suffered such a huge loss.
It was only after I took very early retirement that my world caved in. I had lost the most important person in my life - and I had given up the career that I loved. Then, two years after my husband had died, I fell to pieces.

I want you to know, though,impossible as it may seem now, life does go on.You will start again. Good friends and caring children help a lot and you will find new and absorbing interests and fascinations.

I wrote a book about those years after widowhood - and I should also add that I have since happily remarried - something I thought I would never do.

I know that you, too, will recover even though you will never forget. Nor should you.Blessings.

Monica Morris

Monica, welcome. Please include a link to your website in your signature. You can do so by going to the top-right side of the forum home page and clicking on MY PROFILE. You should be able to add it easily.

Welcome. Sorry to hear about your loss.

I have heard that if you fdon't tkae the time to grieve, it will catch up with you.

Welcome Monica to the Forum...

Monica,
WELCOME! And thank you for sharing your wisdom with everyone here. I'm sure your words of encouragement will go a long way in helping someone to heal.

JJ

Hugs to everyone here. It is a painful thing to lose a spouse. I had been married for 32 years to the love of my life who was 13 years my senior. He died on Nov 10, 2003. I'm still in what I would call a recovery mode but I know he would want me to carry on and really live not just exist so I have strived to do this.

Last fall I lost a younger brother very unexpectedly (aneurism) and have been busy as executor of his estate. Two deaths in two years has been a bit rough and I have my down days but getting outside myself to think of and share with others and help where I can is the most positive thing I can do to ward of the blues.

Dotsie says I am just a tad too old to be a true boomer :-( but here I am anyway. (04/27/43). Lin, my hubby's b'day was March 30; it does hurt a bit. I always made his favorite cake and usually Cornish style pasties (meat pies) which he loved.

The most positive thing I can think of is that no one is truly gone as long as they are remembered with love--and clearly your husband is by you and your children--so a bit of him is always with you. Two songs make me teary but also help: Josh Groban's "To Where You Are" and Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." Both attest to the power of love to outlive the body and hint that there may be a joyous reunion in the future. Let's all believe this if we can. Sorry, I tend to get gabby <wry grin> cuz I am Irish and a writer, I guess.

AzGaye

AzGaye, you are so welcome here and fit right into this particular thread. I am too old to be a Boomer as well but yet here I am and here I stay and add much to the forum as I'm sure you will.

Ok, if ya'll are too old to be Boomers, then I will be the "baby" boomer of the bunch...I turned 45 last week.

I am a something...I lost my fiance 8 years ago next week to a car accident just before giving birth to our daughter. We were not yet married but in my heart the lack of a licence didn't change the way I felt after the accident. Compound that by being 37 and pregnant with 2 teenaged sons at home also. (Oh and did I mention a jerk of an ex husband?)

About 18 months after losing him I met a wonderful man who loves me and my daughter as if she were his own. We have been together for nearly 7 years now. In February of this year while preparing to have his gallbladder out, they found that he has stomach cancer. We have been seeing doctor after doctor and have had every test known to man. Yesterday we finished 28 chemo and radiation treatments. We have 3 weeks to wait before they test him again to see if those treatments did any good. Two weeks after that, we meet with the doctors to see what the next game plan is.

I dont know if I am ready (I have proven that I am capable) to be alone again should things not work out with the treatments. This last weekend was the worst. When he gets severely dehydrated he becomes agitated and verbally abusive. Any attempts to help him are met with verbal jabs and insults. I know that it is a physical condition that causes this, he is the most gentle man in the world, but it still hurts when he gets like this. The only thing that helps is getting him IV fluids.

We travel 67 miles a day for his treatments on top of the 40 miles that I drive going to and from work. A typical day consists of getting our daughter on the bus, I leave for work, I come home from work 7 hours later, meet the bus, get him up and moving, back in the truck for at least an hour's drive to the hospital. Then IF they are on time with his treatment, that takes at least 30 minutes and then another hour home. Once at home, I have to figure out what we are going to eat (my daughter and I) and argue with him about what he is not going to eat that night. Try to wash clothes, run the dishwasher, get the kid in the shower and to bed and touch base with the rest of the family is done in the hour or so after we get home and then I fall on to the couch to start this all again at 7:15 the next morning. No wonder I have lost 22 pounds in the past few weeks!!!

Sorry this is so long, I am not asking for sympathy. Just know that prayer is what is sustaining me and has gotten me through tough times before. HE will see me through again.

Oh my Melissa, talk about a full plate. I can't even begin to imagine what your daily grind must be like. Thank God you are a believer because that will help to get you through this turmoil. May I welcome you to this site and just say vent all you need to ecause that seems to helps as well. We can and will be sympathetic because we are women and have experienced alot of the same problems. We will keep you in our prayers as well. If you go the the prayer thread you can ask for prayers from all the women and boy do Boomer womens prayers in this group ever work. God bless!

AzGaye, welcome to another Irishwoman. My maiden name is McNamara.

Thanks for sharing your loss and insight. I beleive wholeheartedly that we will see our loved ones again and it will be so sweet! Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time. I have that saying in a little frame with Irish green trim sitting next to Mom's picture in my living room. Hope those words are a comfort to you.

Melissa, I too am grateful you are a believer. Your faith and the prayers of others will sustain you. I pray you have a support system in town. Are there people to give you an occasional break?

I will add you to my prayer list. I will also ask Lynn, a woman who posted here throughout her husband's cancer and treatments, to come in here and lift you up. She is a 48 year old boomer who also has a young child at home.

Please update us as you have time. Meantime, we'll be covering you in prayer.

Melissa,
Well, you are living through caregivers hell. But you still have him and you need to hang on to that.
Secondly, you have the women here at this site and they are worth their weight in gold when you need to vent, cry on someone's shoulder, need a prayer....whatever you need they are here. Count on it.
Briefly, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer September 2003 during surgery to remove a benign tumor that turned out to be cancer. I don't need to explain the emotional turmoil you go through when you hear those words. Anyway his chance to survive were slim. He did his radiation for 6 weeks and chemo then off for 2 weeks from the chemo and back on for three weeks. This went on until the end of April 2004. I have a young son who is now 7. He was 4 at the time of surgery.
Please send me a personal message and we can talk more openly about what hospital you are going to and more details. I can help. I may not be able to work miracles but I can be here for you whenever you need it. I do not live that far away from you. We travelled to Hopkins.
Let me here from you. We can talk statistics and what all that means and most importatnly how to live!!!
We go back for a check up in 2 weeks and the jitters are setting in already. If his comes back it is just a matter of time. There really is no more treatment for him. We pray and try to live a noraml life. And remember somebody has to survive to make the "good" part of the stats. We plan on being that part of the stats so you try and do the same.
To send me a personal email click on the little envelope next to my name in the post. I know you are trying to get through the next hour so let us work on getting you through the next week and the next month until you get this behind you for awhile. It will never go away but there is a chance at life again. I am the one who has struggled the most with getting make to life and making plans past that next scan but I am making strides. You will too. Believe it.

Will keep you very close to my heart and always in my prayers.
Lynn

Lynn, thanks for responding to Melissa. I sent her a PM to let her know women are responding to her post. She must be busy, but I'm sure she'll be back. Thanks for caring.

And I'm praying for John's scan. Exactly when is it? Maybe I can fast that morning for you.

Thanks Dotise, it is the 18th.

I have been watching for Melissa since I posted. Hoping all is well and she responds. There is a lot of support here for her as you know.

Lynn

I have been thinking about Melissa, too. After my experience taking care of Ed I have a much more profound empathy towards caregivers. I send her much strength, love and courage. Love, Betsie

Betsie, isn't it the truth? We really learn from our experiences. I was clueless about the realities of cancer until Mom was diagnosed and I lived it with her. I'm sure I'd gain an even deeper perspective if I became the patient.

I recall hearing so many stories about radiation and chemo. I was sympathetic, prayer for them, but didn't get it until I witmessed it first-hand.

I pray Melissa will be here again when she has a sec.