You're so right Christina. I see older couples holding hands and think thats how we had planned to be..old, grey, retired and holding on to each other. I still reach across the bed in the mornings and feel that horrible lonely pain...
Baby steps everyday and tell myself to breathe.
Gentle hugs....

Linn656,
It must be hard to reach for flesh and blood and grasp a memory, but you are blessed with memories.

Even the pain must be greater than the emptiness of never having known real love.

I'm praying for you today.

smile

I think the finality of death is the hardest part for me. If my husband and I quareled I always knew all I had to do was hug him and say sorry and all was alright but now there is nothing to say and no one there to hug and make it all better, just emptyness.....

Smile, how right you are , I have said over and over again I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful marriage and have known in my heart that I was truly loved and loved him with heart and soul. This is what keeps me going. My sweet husband spent his whole life making me happy. What a disservice to him if I would crawl under the blankets in my bed and give up on life. I continue to live and love, I am sooo blessed with a wonderful family. I miss him every minute of every day but depend on him and the Lord to keep me going.
Chatty Lady, it is the hugs that we miss. Just knowing that there were open arms to hold us,whether we were happy or sad leaves such a void now that they are gone..
Gentle hugs,
Lin

I'm sure you have days when you can count the blessings, then days when you wallow for no longer having them.

I think that's a typical rollercoaster ride. I know I did that so much after Mom died. It depended on my mood...and those modds are such lovely treats at midlife!

Lin656, How right Dotsie is. And remember we are here for you no matter what your mood.

smile

Good Morning Ladies,
For me it is definitely the hugs and kisses I miss. My husband was a very loving man, very demonstrative with me. Shortly after he died, it hit me that he would never put his arms around me, give me that grin and kiss me, ever again. It was like being socked in the stomach. I miss him so much and it's still hard to get through the days. It makes me cry just looking at my own words here. It still hurts a lot. Talking to you gals helps. Writing in my blog helps too. Just connecting to other women in this horrid little "club" makes a tremendous difference. We have to support each other. You gals are great!
Thanks for listening

Went to see the site and add a comment...

Good Morning..
I woke up this morning crying. That hasn't happened in quite awhile. I don't know if I was dreaming but what a crummy way to start the day.I feel like I'm on a count down to "the day". It will be 1 year on Friday, April 14 and I keep trying to remember what I was doing this time last year. I was happy! Was I so ignorant in my happiness that I didn't notice something I should have? Was there a sign I missed! How does a perfectly healthy man just drop dead! We went away the weekend before he died. We stayed at a great hotel and saw Kenny Rogers in concert. We were like newlyweds on their honeymoon!The next weekend I was burying him... I don't understand it, I never will... We did everything right. We were kids when we married. We worked hard, put ourselves through college, raised wonderful kids, put them through college, watched them get married and have babies and now was supposed to be OUR time.
I rarely ask for anything for myself but please, if you read this, pray for me...
Lin

Ladies,

Although I am not a widow, I hope you do not mind my replying.

But, sometimes I feel as though I am widowed. Having experienced the "death" of a dream of having children, I,too, am learning to live without what I had in my mind and heart.

As many of you know, I am co-founder of an online support place for the childless (see my signature). We have often mentioned that, when we educate those who have never experienced childlessness, that it is likened to a "death".

After reading your posts here, I can see that to be true. Difference is...you all have had the physical presence of your loved ones, we've dreamed it, felt it and hoped for it. I am still "learning" to be without someone after all these years. My belief is that God placed the "nurture" in me that is very difficult to put forth and utilize without someone to receive. Yes, we have pets and I do mentor others, but you all know that having children is way different from pets, nieces, nephews, siblings, spouses etc. They are the only thing women physically and miraculously bear and that connection is something so unique that only God has been able, will be able, to create it.

My DH is 7 years older so, statistically, he could predecease me. Then what? I'll be alone. Really alone. Not a fun thing to think about at 7 am, but reality..that is IF he predeceases me.

Why am I here, you ask? I want to learn from you all who have gone down the road of "the shadow of death". My Dad experienced Mom's death when I was 18 (she was 9 days short of her 44th birthday, Dad was 47). It was not a pretty picture.

One thing I have learned both from Dad and you ladies right here is that, even though you have had children, they do not replace your beloved spouse. Although having children, I would imagine, can be a lovely reminder of your departed DH's. That love you shared that brought forth your "arrows", as the bible calls children, can never be taken away by death or separation.

Thank you for allowing me to read your inner-most thoughts and emotions about this very difficult and multi-facted subject.

I have not "buried" my dream children, yet. But perhaps I should. I've always felt that those who've had the "news" of a child coming only to miscarry or experience a stillbirth, were more apt to have a "funeral", but now I am thinking that I may need to have a funeral for my lost dreams.

P.S. I am still trying to find out "who I am"!

[ April 07, 2006, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Di ]