Has anyone been through infidelity and is still together?? It is 18 months since he was going to leave but I was not ready and he stayed. I did not really have to convince him, he was only half baked in his idea to leave, and obviously she was not entirely sure about breaking up her marriage either. At the time I was facing surgery for what turned out to be cancer, and not strong enough to face life on my own, albeit with four teenagers and a dependant elderly mother. Now I am feeling much stronger, and need to discuss his perspective/life/thoughts with him. I want to know him better but keep coming up against brick walls when I try to talk about feelings, our future etc. I read that men have their fling, but that love is just a chapter to them whereas it is the entire book to us. What are your thoughts...should I just let go, I feel that there are some conversations I need to have in order to move on and leave the past in the past......

Wow, that's a tough one. I haven't been in your shoes, and I have wondered how I would react if that happened to me. I think I would say "Hey, you're outta here!", but then you think of the 30 years together, the kids, the dog, the money... - If I did choose to stay with him, it would take one heck of a committment from him for that to happen.

I'm sorry that it happened at such a tough time in your life too; are you better physically now?

Hopefully someone here can help you with the suggestions - best wishes!
Kathy

Hey Rick and June - yeah I always thought I would have a hiccy fit and chuck him out too - different story when it does happen especially after 22years, there are the kids, the house, the acquantances and friends, his family, the finances, the whole future, the whole consideration of an entirely different future etc etc etc. And the small matter of still loving him. But now I need to stop letting the negative thoughts hold me back so I wondered if anyone who had lived this had any ideas on the best way to leave it behind and move forward please.
I am much better physically thanks and should be around for a long time!!

Deb, I'm sure someone will jump in who's been through this.

Last week, Jed Diamond did a teleseminar for the association, www.nabbw.com. He is our national expert on male menopuase. You should visit his site at www.menalive.com. He has a trememdous handle on what midlife men go through. He will be doing another teleseminar about your very topic before the end of this year. Hope this helps.

Hey Kathy and Dotsie, thanks for this. I will check out the Menalive site, but I am more concerned with being positive for me (and my family) right now. I read 'travelingthedarkforest'and others and I know that this is the 'right' site for me. I am coming to realise that women are very powerful, that Mothers feelings impact on the whole family - pity we aren't born with this knowledge. I will try to keep an eye out for the teleseminar by Jed Diamond. Thanks again.

I have and I still am. My husband has lied, cheated, and stole from his family. We have separated twice (both times at his instigation). Truly, there is something wrong with me that, after everything, I have fought so hard to keep the marriage going.

Today, we are living together and living together well. For us, it has taken several years of counselling, some really difficult realizations for my husband, and a re-establishment of his faith. The horizon looks pretty good for us (you will be able to see more of my problems in my own post which I will be submitting shortly) but it hasn't come without a cost. I don't know if the cost would have been greater or less if we had divorced. I do know that I am still struggling with being married following infidelity, but I think I would probably still be struggling if we had divorced.

You are right. There are conversations that you need to have to leave the past in the past and you will probably need to have those conversations more than once. If you cannot have those conversations, I feel in my heart that you will continue to live in that awful black hole. Further, if you cannot have those conversations, it is a sign that your husband is not willing to face the issues and, more importantly, help you through them.

There are no easy answers and no one who has not been through this could possibly understand. My heart goes out to you and I have said a prayer for you and your family.

DebShines and struggling2, this question is to me one of the hardest to answer because whats right for one may not be right for others. You need to take stock of yourself 'first.' Know who you are and what you need and what you are willing to settle for, if in fact you're willing to settle. That has to come first for how can you possibly understand your man if you don't understand yourself. I would say that after this is accomplished, TAKE IT SLOW, make sure whatever decisions you come to will benefit you and you're children the most. To me once a man has cheated in any fashion he is soiled and used merchandise, he has thrown back into our face the love, commitment, and honesty we have given to him. Our vows! Would you forgive a man that takes out a knife and plunges it into your heart? They are doing just that but their knives are made of treachery and humiliation....The biggest problem with remaining together is that we can forgive, maybe, but we will NEVER forget!!!

[ June 10, 2006, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Hi struggling2-thanks for sharing this and thankyou for your prayer. It is confronting to decide to try to keep in the relationship when all your beliefs have been compromised.
Chatty, yeah, I think that what I am looking for here is a chance to voice things with others and to understand myself. I feel that I am insecure but I dont have any problems with selfesteem - can you have good self esteem but also know you are insecure??
I have been looking into the future, for myself, for him and for our families which is one of the reasons I am still in the relationship. For me, there are a lot of upsides which outweigh the downsides. But you are right that Alzheimers does not seem to kick in at the right moments - I would like selective memory loss - only joking...or am I? Thanks though, you have given me food for thought. I am going to do a little blogging later as reviewing entries also helps me maintain direction.
Struggling2, do you have a site where you have detailed your experiences or may I ask, what happened to separate twice and what happened to bring you both back together? I hope this is not prying and I apologise if asking these questions is not the done thing to do on the forums.

DebShines -- Thanks for your reply to my posting about my wedding rings.

I fully understand what you are saying about looking to the future. When I was thinking about divorcing, looking at upcoming Christmas's and Thanksgivings, marriages, and grandchildren and growing old alone broke my heart.

I do not have a site where I have detailed my experiences. I am not so open that I want to toss everything out there for the world to see. If it is OK to send you an e-mail using the icon at the top of your post, I would like to do that. I think we could be helpful to each other. I will wait to hear from you as I am new to this board and I don't know what your e-mail situation is...