My husband actually got nicer to me when he got sick. I'm told that it is often the oposite, no matter what the illness. It's almost like they're taking it out on the person who cares the most. it helped that he went for counselling to control his depression over his cancer. I guess I was lucky and have never really thought about it.

VA not just from spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. My grandmother will be 100 in August. When I went "home" 3 weeks ago for my nephew's death, my grandmother, his great grandmother, had declined mentally since the last time I saw her nearly 2 years ago. She still lives at home, but has night nurses. Since I was there, in her home, she cancelled the nurses for the week. I was up at least 3 times a night with her, most personal of care in the wee hours. Anyway, she's downright mean & VA. Her 100th birthday bash is coming up, & I'm reluctant to go "home" again to get the brunt of her VA. Perhaps if I don't have to care for her I won't have to experience the VA. It's a bittersweet decision: to get to care for her in her old age & return the favor of care is a gift, but to hear the mean things she has to say is hurtful. She can't hear a thing, but she heard me sigh while she was peeing in the middle of the night. I was thinking of the upcoming funeral mass the next morning. Her response to my sigh that she happened to miraculously suddenly hear? "If you don't like it here go stay in a motel." OMG, the sigh 1) had nothing to do with her 2) was in the middle of the night 3) was an expression of extreme sadness. Christina, thanks for the link. Love & Light, Lynn

[ February 25, 2006, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

Lynnie, I would wonder if your grandmother's abusive language is the result of her age. So often the elderly become hostile and aggressive with age. It is frequently the result of a deteriorating brain and not an angry spirit.

I know it doesn't keep the words from hurting, but maybe you can forgive her knowing that the hateful words may not have been from her heart, but from her aging mind.

smile

Yes, my husbad's VA did get progerssively worse as his health deteriorated. He had already had a major heart attack and quad by-pass surgery before they found the cancer. But when I look back I can see now that even before the health problems he had a very domineering personality. At the time I took that in a flattering way. How stupid I was. he had to control every aspect of my life. From how I dressed and wore my hair to who my friends were. And he did not allow many friends. These domineering qualities are classic for an abuser of either the verbal or physical type. I was just too uneducated to recognize the signs.

Oh, absolutly I forgive her Smile. My grandmother's face always lit up with an "Oh, Lynnie" every time she saw me, even when I was a dark & despairing adolescent. I totally understand that as we age a part of our brain that censors us to make us civil and social becomes less inhibited. I KNOW it's a matter of age, and not an intentional meaness. It's just shocking to hear this! Christina, what you describe is unfortunately the power and control of the domineering abuser. That does not make you stupid! That makes you a survivor. And now you are helping others. Way to go! Love & Light, Lynn