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#80307 - 01/03/06 08:00 AM verbal abuse?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I was sitting on a bench at the mall the other night while waiting for my daughter to finish up. I was next to a kiosk for one of the phone comanies when I heard a young man cussing out his girlfriend.

He was ticked because she had to wait for someone to appear with a key before she could leave. The "f" word was flying. He was belittling her left and right.

I wanted to tell the young lady to tell him to take I hike, but I decided it wasn't my business. I listened and offered prayers for her self-esteem.

What would you have done?

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#80308 - 01/03/06 08:14 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
I'm not sure, but I think at this point in my life, I would have calmly approached them and in a quiet, firm voice, would have spoken to them both. I would have said to him that he should respect this woman, if he valued her as a person. I would have said to her, that she should stand up for herself and not take this abuse. I probably would have challenged them both to think about how they really felt about each other. I'm sure they would say "mind your own darn business"! I definitely would be praying for them both.

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#80309 - 01/03/06 08:15 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
IMO you did all you could do Dotsie. For all you know he could've turned on you and you could've been in danger. He could've been high on something or drunk. Alcohol makes it worse with some verbal abusers and he also could've been a physical abuser, too. So many could'ves. You just didn't have enough information to do any more than you did.

Daisygirl

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#80310 - 01/03/06 08:26 AM Re: verbal abuse?
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
I think you did as much as you could, Dotsie. Much as I'd like to rush to the rescue in a situation with people who are complete strangers. Not with so many unstable people in the world. If it were someone I knew, I wouldn't hesitate to get involved. If this man really seemed to be a threat to the woman, I might have called mall security or the police.

Please don't take this as condoning this type of abuse. which I certainly don't. But interefering in a situation like the one you described could put you at risk.

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#80311 - 01/03/06 08:49 AM Re: verbal abuse?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Seems like you and probably the young lady on the other end of that telephone have so much to fear in today's culture. What should be a time of innocent rebellion is becoming a training ground for a lifetime of violence.

The F word is becoming an accepted part of the English language and violence is the approach to any irritation. The F word and the violence it implies is in so many of the movies and music videos directed at our young people. I hate it, but it must be hard for anyone exposed to that type of entertainment on a regular basis not to pick it up.

Many movies, and music glorify anger and violence. Then there's video games that offer practice in commiting violent acts, even murder.

In other words, in today's culture to respond in any way could endanger your safety. Prayer is so often not only all we can do, but the best thing to do.

smile

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#80312 - 01/03/06 08:56 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Of course the first instinct is to protect yourself, but what if that was your son, cursing out his girlfriend, or your daughter being cursed out?

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#80313 - 01/02/06 09:23 PM Re: verbal abuse?
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
I really don't do well in abusive situations such as this...I would have asked him if he used that mouth to kiss his mother.

I know...I have a hard time with my "tongue".
I'm working on it.

You should have been at the convience store with me when a man started beating on his girlfriend.

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#80314 - 01/02/06 09:32 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Di Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/05
Posts: 2798
Loc: NM, transplant from NJ
DH always tells me to walk away and that it's none of my business.

but I KNOW how difficult it is to NOT say something.

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#80315 - 01/03/06 12:28 AM Re: verbal abuse?
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
If it were my daughter or my son or anyone else I knew, I wouldn't hesitate to get involved. But we're talking strangers who could get violent here. I'm afraid I would prefer to err on the side of caution.

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#80316 - 01/03/06 02:47 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
I was with a couple of friends having dinner at the restaurant bar, when the ex of one of the women came in and sat down behind her. She made it obvious she didn't want him there and so I asked her if she would like me to call the police - and right in front of him. He did leave, but threatened me and called me a few choice names on his way out. What a catch, hey?

I was surrounded by people I knew, but I wouldn't do the same in a strange place if I was alone.

Daisygirl

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#80317 - 01/03/06 03:27 AM Re: verbal abuse?
LSmith5434 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/05
Posts: 370
Loc: Washington State
I've worked the ER with so many people who wanted "to help" someone who was being verbally abused and ended up in the ER with a broken nose, bloody lips, or even worse.
If you want to help....and have a cell phone...move away from what is going on.......call 911 and get the help that is needed.
You're always hearing to get involved and help, but it just doesn't work out now in the day where violence is pretty much accepted.
All I have to do is look at the games my Grandsons's want me to purchase for them. Absolutely not!
Lynne

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#80318 - 01/03/06 04:03 AM Re: verbal abuse?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Its a sad state of affairs when we can't offer help to someone who may need it without worrying about being retaliated against so unless someone is in imminent physical danger a I would back off. Even then I would call 911....

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#80319 - 01/03/06 06:32 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Sadie Offline
Member

Registered: 10/08/04
Posts: 1274
Loc: MD
Chatty,
Lynnie gave me a web site or told me of a web site that tells about verbal abuse and I can find it on my favorites I will post it here. I think it tell you where to go for help .

Keep you posted on that one.

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#80320 - 01/03/06 07:35 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Nancy is referring to Patricia Evans, who is an author/speaker on verbal abuse. If you are interested in this topic you can google her name and her book titles come up. I've often wanted to "do something" but the fear of retaliation is greater than the desire to "help." What if he decided to pull a gun on me? Yep, do you want to tell us what happened at the convenience store?

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#80321 - 01/03/06 07:18 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dotsie, I fell for the woman. I've been a victim of domestic violence to include the verbal insults. Yet, I too, don't want to become involved in another's battle (b/c I don't want to relive the past, cause further harm due to my involvement, nor become a victim again). Yet, I've learned how to give women gentle reminders, like loan them a book regarding domestic violence or if a stranger I've even simply written down a number on a slip of paper and give it to her by stating, oh I think you must have dropped this.

My mother and I witnessed a woman being battered at the Home Deport parking lot last spring, we stayed in the vehicle about 200 yards away w/ our lights focused on the couple, luckily, a store manager called the police. I must add that at first, my mother wanted to get out of the vehicle, but I yelled and said "are you crazy!" The man was shoving the young woman into a garden shed, he even lifted her from the ground and broke her high heels, I think she tried to get back into the vehicle. Not certain what happened after the police arrived, though.

Also, individuals can make silent police reports and not identify themselves -- this alleviates retaliation.

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#80322 - 01/04/06 08:43 AM Re: verbal abuse?
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
I was a manager at the convience store....we had gas pumps that you had to watch closely for drive offs.
While, looking out I spot a girl, pumping gas and a man on the passenger side, he jumps out of the car and starts yelling at her.
She had paid with a credit card and didn't need to come into the store.
So I glance back again...after she gets into the car...he is beating her with his fists.
I get on the loud speaker on the gas islands, and
tell him to quit hitting her that the police have been called. By then everyone pumping gas is looking...and doing nothing. (18 pumps in all).
Yell to the girl in the deli, to call the police, called two guys in the walk-in to come out.
We run outside...I open the driver's door pull her out while the guys are distracting him.
He ended up moving to the driver's seat, and driving off. She waited inside until the police showed up.
He was pulled over...not sure if she pressed charges or not.
I watched my mom be beat for years...
If, my daughter was being abused like that...I would want someone to help her.
I know the dangers, I can't stand by and watch someone be beat.

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#80323 - 01/04/06 01:38 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Norah Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Ohio
Great thinking Brenda, you got everyone around you involved. Bullies don't like a crowd who will stand up to them, they only prey on the weaker individual. Have you read my Purse Snatcher short story on my website?, you might enjoy. I would love to hear some comments on it, it has been published in the Long Story Short website.

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#80324 - 01/04/06 01:54 AM Re: verbal abuse?
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Haven't read your stories yet...biut, I will check them out and give you feedback.

Here's Norah's website, so we can all give her comments.

http://rocklady.ws/index.html

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#80325 - 01/04/06 02:38 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Yes, it is good to get others around involved to assist, yet I worry when the abused individual is alone again w/ the abuser. That is why I try to be covert.

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#80326 - 01/04/06 06:07 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I'm sorry to hear about those who have been victims. Brenda, it is hard to believe that 18 pumps no one got involved. You did a bright and brave thing by using the loudspeaker. Oh my gosh. I volunteer at a domestic violence and sexual assault agency for victims. Today, the first business day after the new year holiday, was an insane crazy day. I went in at 8:30 expecting to volunteer for a couple of hours. I did not leave until 5 pm. We had so many clients! One after another. One women fled from another state new year's eve and drove until she ran out of gas. She then walked to a police station, and the police referred her to our agency. She fled with kids aged 4, 3, and 1 . She had driven for 7 straight hours. Another woman slept in her car new year's eve with her kids because she was afraid if she went back into the house to her drunk and drugged husband that he would kill her and the kids, like he was threatening. These women want restraining orders, which usually are violated anyway. Or they want assistance in housing, which they can't afford because the batterers have been controlling the money all along so the women can't get away. Another women left the house so suddenly with her infant that I had to go searching in our donation "pantry" for size 1 diapers. One women had a broken nose, another a broken tailbone. What is going on in this world?

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#80327 - 01/04/06 08:18 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Norah Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Ohio
Yes it is a very sad thing to see, thank goodness there are people like you Lynnie who care enough to volunteer to help. I have seen many women walk through the door of my Martial Arts studio when I taught, that had black eyes, twisted fingers, it was terrible, just turned my stomach. My book, No Going Back, though fiction touches on women finding their strength to get out, it isn't easy.
I think what Brenda did was very brave at least the man found out a lesson that day. If she hadn't of done what she did and everyone pitched in to help that poor woman, then she would have been brought to beleive that if everyone witnessing the abuse did nothing then it really was her fault, only causing her to be weaker and the abuser more confident. We can only do so much, the abused has to find their power.

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#80328 - 01/05/06 01:43 AM Re: verbal abuse?
ladybug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 1402
We also need to teach our sons and daughters never to tolerate this behavior from anyone as soon as it starts.

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#80329 - 01/05/06 03:51 AM Re: verbal abuse?
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Lynnie... not all of the 18 pumps were being pumped at the time. Out of the one's that were being used...no one bothered to help the girl.
I'm in an area that is very fast paced... more than not, people will not involve themselves, if it isn't a priority for them.
Sad to say....but true.

I'm sure all of those ladies at the center are grateful for your assistance.
Such a frightening time for them, not to mention the children.

You have my admiration.

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#80330 - 01/05/06 06:13 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
It was just so sad when I had to go downstairs to the donation pantry for size 1 diapers. The woman fled with her infant and didn't even have a change of diapers. Most of the women say that they could take the abuse themselves, but when it comes to the men hurting the children, then they have to leave. And why do the women have to leave? Why don't these guys just go away? There were a few men who came to the agency yesterday who had been abused by women. One was an older man who had married a younger woman, and she took advantage of him and abused him terribly. He was only looking for a loving companion. What he got was a restraining order against her. I slept for 12 hours!

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#80331 - 01/05/06 09:43 PM Re: verbal abuse?
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
Lynnie, the work you do is amazing. I'm do grateful their are women like you in the world.

My husband's sister stayed with an abusive husband for years. He also physically abused her daughters (his step-daughters). She threw this man out of her house many times, but he always managed to charm his way back. And she dealt with his abuse of the girl with denial and rejection of her own children. This man died last year, and Chuck and I had to bite our tongues not to say we were relieved, since the rest of his family was as deep in denial as his sister.

I taught my kids from an early age that abusive behavior of any kind was never acceptable. When my daughter was in high school when one of her male classmates decided he had a right to put his hands anywhere he wanted on any girl who was passing. Laura told him that if he touched her or her friends inappropriately again, she would first break his fingers and then report his behavior to the administration. He never touched another girl like that -- at least in front of her. The fact that many of her classmates regraded this guy's behavior as funny was a sad commentary on our society.

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#80332 - 01/05/06 10:01 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I don't think the volunteer work is admirable or amazing. I think it is sadly necessary. I wish it was not necessary. I applaud girls like Laura who are able to confront inappropriate behavior rather than laughing it off. Harassment is not a joke, and it often is a stepping stone to see what he can get away with, and how far he can go.

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#80333 - 01/05/06 10:08 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
I used to say the same thing when I was a volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. I didn't mind doing it but wished it wasn't needed. Especially when I did post abortion counseling...

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#80334 - 01/06/06 05:54 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Blue, the thing is I love doing it. Like I explain in the prologue of my book, I spent over 20 years in the corporate environment, selling real estate and being a property manager. I felt so unfulfilled. I wanted to reach people, especially women, on a deeper level. I do that as a volunteer, and I feel fulfilled. Post abortion counseling...that's got to be tough.

[ January 05, 2006, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

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#80335 - 01/06/06 06:00 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I am just glad that verbal abuse is getting more attention. People used to minimize verbal abuse, as if it did not "hurt" like physical violence. But verbal abuse is damaging to the ego, empowerment, and self-esteem. I must confess that I learned too well from my family and my first husband what verbal abuse is. I had to go to counseling to un learn verbal abuse because I found my self saying terrible things to my current loving husband that I didn't mean to say that were repetitions of what I heard in childhood that were verbally abusive. For example, I made a dental appointment for my husband. When I got home from work, he told me that he had gone to the appointment. In fact, I did not see the complimentary toothbrush and toothpaste, so I knew he had not gone. When he admitted that he had blown it off, I said, "I hope you suffer." My hand flew to my mouth in shock that I had said that! It is something I heard many times in my childhood. It pains me just to admit that I said it, can you imagine the pain he must have felt to have heard it? Granted, he lied to me, but no lie deserves a retaliation like that.

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#80336 - 01/08/06 03:53 AM Re: verbal abuse?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Sometimes these things we feel are so awful just roll of the other persons back because they are not as good as we are nor do they feel the guilt when they hurt us as we do when we think we may have hurt them. Your husband behaved like a bad child and your words were like a slap on his insulent fanny. He probably needed to hear it too.

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#80337 - 01/09/06 11:07 PM Re: verbal abuse?
XBWS Offline
Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 32
Loc: Guilford, CT
I have been the subject of verbal abuse right on this site by an individual that takes different views from her own as a platform for fighting. I've been abused for mental illness, being a poor mother in her view, and several other issues.

Words do hurt. I've seen her attack others for the same reason - simply offering a different perspective.

This is not monitored and if it is, it is sadly supported. It is verbal abuse for anyone who is different.

[ February 24, 2006, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: suzieq ]

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#80338 - 01/09/06 11:30 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Vicki M. Taylor Offline
Member

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 2196
Loc: Tampa, FL
Words hurt much more, because the feelings return each time they repeat in your head. Forever.

Bruises fade. Words don't.

My first husband was a terrible verbal abuser. He would praise me in public, but in our private home, he'd tell me I was worthless.

It was a frightening yo-yo affect that lasted for nearly 10 years.

My self-esteem took a beating that probably has never fully recovered. But, I'm a better person for having left him. It's been 16 years since we divorced.

If I never had left, I wouldn't have met my current husband and I wouldn't have known what true happiness is or what a marriage is really supposed to be all about.

Verbal abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse. And, it's sometimes a precursor to more violence.

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#80339 - 01/09/06 11:57 PM Re: verbal abuse?
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
Suzieq,

I wouldn't put up with what sounds to me like verbal abuse from both your husband and children. Putting up with peole who are mean to you can only make your feel worse. I've been there, and I'm never going back.

If someone I love says something hurtful to me, I tell them they are behaving badly and don't allow them to get away with it. This is after years of being a doormat.

My family was taken aback at first. Now that they're used to it, they say the like the new me a lot. So do I.

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#80340 - 01/10/06 02:39 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Why is your husband joining in the attacks? Why isn't he calling these kids down and supporting you?

Are they living at home?

Sounds to me like you need to go on strike or get away from it until they get a clue. Nobody should live like this.

Verbal abuse destroys the soul and spirit and I think this is what's happening to you. You have to do something different before there is nothing left but an empty shell. Do it for yourself.

We're behind you if you need support.

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#80341 - 01/10/06 06:54 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Suzie, I don't care what mental illness they have, no one should treat you like that. No excuses! And what is your husband's excuse? He should be running to your rescue, teaching your sons how to contribute rather than aggravating the situation. Can you move out and let these brutes fend for their own vicious selfish selves?

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#80342 - 01/10/06 07:48 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
My husband would always go into the jerk mode when his oldest son was around for whatever reason. Had to prove to his son that he was still important in his life. He did it one too many times after promising not to and I packed an overnight bag and walked out of the house. I stayed with a girlfriend and didn't answer my cell phone or communicate with him for five days.

It got the message across to him. We went to counseling to figure out what his problem was.

I'm thinking you might need to take this drastic measure. It will give you some of your power back. You don't leave a note or explain, you just take a mini vacation for yourself and the benefit of that is you get away from the stress and are able to see things more clearly.

Just a thought. If I lived by you, I'd let you come take your little vacation in my guest room!

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#80343 - 01/11/06 02:41 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Suzie, I had second thoughts about my response to you. It was not very supportive of me. It sounds like your family is ganging up on you and using mental illness as a reason. Believe me, I've been there. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic diagnosed with sadistic tendancies as well as a psychopath and a sociopath. He was also an alcoholic and a drug addict before there were drug addicts! He was violent. And a sexual predator. None of this is excused because he was mentally ill. I understand that we are talking about your sons and your husband, and people you love. Here is a passage from my book. I'm sharing to let you know that I understand the play on the heartstrings. He committed suicide.****Whether I loved or hated him, or both, was an abstract piece of heart subject to interpretation. It depended on how I looked at it. My instinct was to love him and expect him to love me in return. That was natural. Perhaps if he had loved me it would have been easier to love him. But he did not nurture love. Instead, he provoked hatred. Love was defeated by fear until I hated him with a passion, which was what he’d asked about. I wrote one line to describe how I felt: It saddens me beyond my tears that love was lost within the fears.
To resolve the tumultuous relationship with my father meant recognizing that he could not be separated from his mental illness. It takes forever to find the scattered shards of the broken heart of a little girl. Yet I was certain that he offered an apology in spirit.****Dianne, is this your current husband you speak of? If so, I know from previous posts that there were tensions with your step sons. Also, if so, It's good to know that with counseling there is help and hope.. Love and Light, Lynn

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#80344 - 01/11/06 04:59 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Yes, it was my current husband. It was a bone of contention for many years. The counselor really nailed him on our first visit.

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#80345 - 01/11/06 07:08 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Dianne, so he changed? So he used to gang up on you with his son, and then he changed? For the most part, right? I do recall some hurts in regards to him and his son(s). But, if he no longer gets on the band wagon, then bravo to counseling. And, at least he knew you and the marriage was worth the effort to go to counseling! LL, L

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#80346 - 01/12/06 06:09 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
His son didn't play a part in it. It was all my husband. He created the pattern and set the guide.

After years of this I told him, "Look, I can't make you grow up. I can't make you be mature and I can't make you realize that it's okay to be a father and husband at the same time. I can tell you that what you do hurts me and is damaging this marriage." Seemed to finally hit home.

He would even pretend that he wasn't with me when his son called on his cell. Now, that's the ultimate in immaturity. He stopped doing that and we've stopped arguing about it.

My problems with his sons all came about because I refused to go to a wedding of a lifelong friend's daughter. I had my reasons and they were good ones too. I told him he could go but I didn't want to go. It hit the fan.

This is the reason I've refused to move to MN to be with him over the last two years. I figured he could ignore me in MN or TN and I chose TN. Since he started saying he was with me on the phone, I decided to move to MN to be with him. That's all it took but sometimes, men just don't get it.

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#80347 - 01/12/06 11:49 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dianne, your insistance and honest communication style is admirable.

Lynnie, thanks for your excellent post offered to suzieq. It's perfect.

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#80348 - 01/13/06 04:44 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Dotsie, I hope Suzie might benefit from our sharing and concern here. Dianne, wow, some men are so obtuse! To pretend he was not with you! Indeed, that behavior has got to go. Good thing you put a stop to it. We really have to spell it out to men like they are 4 years old. LL, L

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#80349 - 01/14/06 08:09 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
The counselor explained that he was treating his son at the same age level he did when he came to live with his dad. 12 years old. How could his son grow up and accept the fact that dad had gotten remarried (after 11 years!) if dear old dad didn't act like it. Like I said, immaturity.

After years of complaining, throwing fits, crying and walking out for five days, I took a different approach. I just calmly explained that I couldn't force him to be a grown up. I stopped all the other useless tactics and I think, in my heart, I had given up. Maybe he saw that. I told him that there could only be a competition if there was more than one party competing and wives don't compete...with anyone.

I want him to have a close and loving relationship with his sons, just like I do with my children. I want him to do things with them. I just don't want to be treated like an outsider. Both of his sons are hard working and decent people. Just like their dad.

I guess sometimes you have to give up, take your hands off the situation and let God take over.

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#80350 - 02/25/06 01:41 AM Re: verbal abuse?
ChristinaR Offline
Member

Registered: 02/23/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Kentucky
I was married to a verbal abuser for 23 years. yes, my late husband. The worse his health got the worse the verbal abuse got. He was one of those that kept his well hid though. He never said anything in front of anyone outside the home. Other peole such as our neighbors and the members of our church thought that he was a real jewel. if they had only heard what I heard behind those closed doors. He kept his degraging remarks for at home. Unfortunately our son who was in high school at the time heard him and it turned him totally against his father. The real tragedy of verbal abuse is that it is normally done in secret and the scars are emotional ones that others cannot see. I have a section on my Web page trying to educate people abiut verbal abuse and the lasting damage that it can do if anyone wants to look at it.


http://silverreflection.tripod.com/speakoutagainstverbalabusecopy/

[ February 24, 2006, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: ChristinaR ]

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#80351 - 02/25/06 02:02 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Great site! You know what? I have the CD of Bricks from the ashes. It's linked to my site.

You're so right. Verbal abuse destroys the spirit. It goes against God's plan for your life. It ruins lives. It can control another person just as physical abuse can. It stays with a person for years.

My father was a verbal abuser and a rager. We walked on eggshells our entire upbringing. It's an awful way to live.

Thank you for sharing your site with us!

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#80352 - 02/25/06 04:44 AM Re: verbal abuse?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
So was my father Dianne and Christina. He would spew out his nastiness at home and in the car at my mother on the way to a family function then be all sweetness in front of the relatives or friends. It was awful, I'll never know how mom stood it all those years...

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#80353 - 02/25/06 07:45 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Christina, I went to your site. I've made several posts here about how the Deseradata saved me (for a little while) when I was suicidal at 15. I heard the words: "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars." Who, me? Wow, that is my favorite! Where did you get the Deseradata as a song? I have to have that song. I've seen various beautiful prints, but never heard it as a song. Your site is great, and I'm going to add a link from mine to yours. You know, you say that the VA of U turned YS against HF. But you did not say that YS became like HF and that's a good thing. How did YS know not to VA? Thank you for sharing your experience & knowledge with others. Chatty, you say you don't know how YM endured it, but you were witnessing it too, & that's as harmful to a child. I'm sorry for what you all endured. And me too. LL, L

[ February 24, 2006, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

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#80354 - 02/25/06 07:12 PM Re: verbal abuse?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Ah...the car as a tool for abuse. My dad always did that! What are you going to do, jump out of a moving car? He would sometimes drive me to school. What a way to start your day.

He rarely was mean to my mom but then, she ruled the roost. It's a wonder my sister and I aren't raving, drooling idiots. I don't know, maybe we are and just don't know it.

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#80355 - 02/25/06 10:03 PM Re: verbal abuse?
ChristinaR Offline
Member

Registered: 02/23/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Kentucky
Lynnie, my son learned not to VA because he saw how much it damaged my self esteem. By the time his father dies I was almost a basket case. I felt lower than slug slime. Even now after all these years I tear up when somebody says something mean to me. My son knows that. I think I will always be this way.

Here is the song version of Desiderata.

http://home.earthlink.net/~angel4urpocket/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/desiderata.wav

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#80356 - 02/26/06 12:41 AM Re: verbal abuse?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Christina, I wondered if your husband's verbal abuse and his use of foul language increased with the progression of his disease.

Not in his defense, but I have seen that kind of abuse increase with progressive illness and stroke. Sometimes the frontal lobe where social inhibitions are located is affected and that can lead to increasingly inappropriate use of abusive and foul language, even in previously kind speaking individuals.

Maybe some of your mate's words resulted from a physical illness rather than simple hateful feelings.

smile

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#80357 - 02/26/06 04:24 AM Re: verbal abuse?
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
My husband actually got nicer to me when he got sick. I'm told that it is often the oposite, no matter what the illness. It's almost like they're taking it out on the person who cares the most. it helped that he went for counselling to control his depression over his cancer. I guess I was lucky and have never really thought about it.

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#80358 - 02/26/06 06:31 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
VA not just from spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. My grandmother will be 100 in August. When I went "home" 3 weeks ago for my nephew's death, my grandmother, his great grandmother, had declined mentally since the last time I saw her nearly 2 years ago. She still lives at home, but has night nurses. Since I was there, in her home, she cancelled the nurses for the week. I was up at least 3 times a night with her, most personal of care in the wee hours. Anyway, she's downright mean & VA. Her 100th birthday bash is coming up, & I'm reluctant to go "home" again to get the brunt of her VA. Perhaps if I don't have to care for her I won't have to experience the VA. It's a bittersweet decision: to get to care for her in her old age & return the favor of care is a gift, but to hear the mean things she has to say is hurtful. She can't hear a thing, but she heard me sigh while she was peeing in the middle of the night. I was thinking of the upcoming funeral mass the next morning. Her response to my sigh that she happened to miraculously suddenly hear? "If you don't like it here go stay in a motel." OMG, the sigh 1) had nothing to do with her 2) was in the middle of the night 3) was an expression of extreme sadness. Christina, thanks for the link. Love & Light, Lynn

[ February 25, 2006, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

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#80359 - 02/26/06 07:07 AM Re: verbal abuse?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Lynnie, I would wonder if your grandmother's abusive language is the result of her age. So often the elderly become hostile and aggressive with age. It is frequently the result of a deteriorating brain and not an angry spirit.

I know it doesn't keep the words from hurting, but maybe you can forgive her knowing that the hateful words may not have been from her heart, but from her aging mind.

smile

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#80360 - 02/26/06 11:53 PM Re: verbal abuse?
ChristinaR Offline
Member

Registered: 02/23/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Kentucky
Yes, my husbad's VA did get progerssively worse as his health deteriorated. He had already had a major heart attack and quad by-pass surgery before they found the cancer. But when I look back I can see now that even before the health problems he had a very domineering personality. At the time I took that in a flattering way. How stupid I was. he had to control every aspect of my life. From how I dressed and wore my hair to who my friends were. And he did not allow many friends. These domineering qualities are classic for an abuser of either the verbal or physical type. I was just too uneducated to recognize the signs.

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#80361 - 02/27/06 02:40 AM Re: verbal abuse?
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Oh, absolutly I forgive her Smile. My grandmother's face always lit up with an "Oh, Lynnie" every time she saw me, even when I was a dark & despairing adolescent. I totally understand that as we age a part of our brain that censors us to make us civil and social becomes less inhibited. I KNOW it's a matter of age, and not an intentional meaness. It's just shocking to hear this! Christina, what you describe is unfortunately the power and control of the domineering abuser. That does not make you stupid! That makes you a survivor. And now you are helping others. Way to go! Love & Light, Lynn

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