Dianne, your insistance and honest communication style is admirable.

Lynnie, thanks for your excellent post offered to suzieq. It's perfect.

Dotsie, I hope Suzie might benefit from our sharing and concern here. Dianne, wow, some men are so obtuse! To pretend he was not with you! Indeed, that behavior has got to go. Good thing you put a stop to it. We really have to spell it out to men like they are 4 years old. LL, L

The counselor explained that he was treating his son at the same age level he did when he came to live with his dad. 12 years old. How could his son grow up and accept the fact that dad had gotten remarried (after 11 years!) if dear old dad didn't act like it. Like I said, immaturity.

After years of complaining, throwing fits, crying and walking out for five days, I took a different approach. I just calmly explained that I couldn't force him to be a grown up. I stopped all the other useless tactics and I think, in my heart, I had given up. Maybe he saw that. I told him that there could only be a competition if there was more than one party competing and wives don't compete...with anyone.

I want him to have a close and loving relationship with his sons, just like I do with my children. I want him to do things with them. I just don't want to be treated like an outsider. Both of his sons are hard working and decent people. Just like their dad.

I guess sometimes you have to give up, take your hands off the situation and let God take over.

I was married to a verbal abuser for 23 years. yes, my late husband. The worse his health got the worse the verbal abuse got. He was one of those that kept his well hid though. He never said anything in front of anyone outside the home. Other peole such as our neighbors and the members of our church thought that he was a real jewel. if they had only heard what I heard behind those closed doors. He kept his degraging remarks for at home. Unfortunately our son who was in high school at the time heard him and it turned him totally against his father. The real tragedy of verbal abuse is that it is normally done in secret and the scars are emotional ones that others cannot see. I have a section on my Web page trying to educate people abiut verbal abuse and the lasting damage that it can do if anyone wants to look at it.


http://silverreflection.tripod.com/speakoutagainstverbalabusecopy/

[ February 24, 2006, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: ChristinaR ]

Great site! You know what? I have the CD of Bricks from the ashes. It's linked to my site.

You're so right. Verbal abuse destroys the spirit. It goes against God's plan for your life. It ruins lives. It can control another person just as physical abuse can. It stays with a person for years.

My father was a verbal abuser and a rager. We walked on eggshells our entire upbringing. It's an awful way to live.

Thank you for sharing your site with us!

So was my father Dianne and Christina. He would spew out his nastiness at home and in the car at my mother on the way to a family function then be all sweetness in front of the relatives or friends. It was awful, I'll never know how mom stood it all those years...

Christina, I went to your site. I've made several posts here about how the Deseradata saved me (for a little while) when I was suicidal at 15. I heard the words: "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars." Who, me? Wow, that is my favorite! Where did you get the Deseradata as a song? I have to have that song. I've seen various beautiful prints, but never heard it as a song. Your site is great, and I'm going to add a link from mine to yours. You know, you say that the VA of U turned YS against HF. But you did not say that YS became like HF and that's a good thing. How did YS know not to VA? Thank you for sharing your experience & knowledge with others. Chatty, you say you don't know how YM endured it, but you were witnessing it too, & that's as harmful to a child. I'm sorry for what you all endured. And me too. LL, L

[ February 24, 2006, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

Ah...the car as a tool for abuse. My dad always did that! What are you going to do, jump out of a moving car? He would sometimes drive me to school. What a way to start your day.

He rarely was mean to my mom but then, she ruled the roost. It's a wonder my sister and I aren't raving, drooling idiots. I don't know, maybe we are and just don't know it.

Lynnie, my son learned not to VA because he saw how much it damaged my self esteem. By the time his father dies I was almost a basket case. I felt lower than slug slime. Even now after all these years I tear up when somebody says something mean to me. My son knows that. I think I will always be this way.

Here is the song version of Desiderata.

http://home.earthlink.net/~angel4urpocket/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/desiderata.wav

Christina, I wondered if your husband's verbal abuse and his use of foul language increased with the progression of his disease.

Not in his defense, but I have seen that kind of abuse increase with progressive illness and stroke. Sometimes the frontal lobe where social inhibitions are located is affected and that can lead to increasingly inappropriate use of abusive and foul language, even in previously kind speaking individuals.

Maybe some of your mate's words resulted from a physical illness rather than simple hateful feelings.

smile