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#80280 - 12/15/05 03:10 AM DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Many of the women I work with really suffer from depression during the holidays and especially if they've recently left the abuser. It's very tempting for them to want to be with him again in spite of what he's done. The holidays can bring on very strong feelings of hopelessness and being lonely.

I again thank those who reached out to a battered woman this year. Your actions will make a huge difference in someone's life.

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#80281 - 12/15/05 07:01 AM Re: DV and Holidays
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I think one thing the holidays bring on also are the warm fuzzies, remembering the good things and allowing ourselves to forget the bad stuff....I am a true believer that most of women who have been abused and I mean badly abused stay or want to because rather than live in the reality of the situation, they see the man they want him to be not the one he is....convenient memory disease....

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#80282 - 12/15/05 07:18 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Anonymous
Unregistered


Chatty, that is so very true! I remember the "honeymoon" during the holidays while living w/ my abuser, it was charming and my eyes were glazed over! Yet, did not last very long. Gosh, I recall him returning some of my gifts after the holiday spirit left him to punish me for not spending more money on him! Well heck, he bruised me!

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#80283 - 12/15/05 07:31 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Are there any statistics about abusers and alcohol? Just curious if the majority of abusers also drink.

I would think that due to the holidays there is increaded acceptance of drinking. This may add to the situations being much worse for those living in abusive situations. Any thoughts so this?

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#80284 - 12/15/05 07:37 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh, big thoughts on this!!!!

Alcohol doesn't cause abuse. The abuser has the need to abuse and the alcohol only causes him or her to lose those inhibitions when drinking. In other words, the tendency is still there.

Some people get mean when they drink. My first husband did. But he was no walk on the beach when he was sober either.

We can say, oh the booze made him do it when in truth, it didn't. He made him do it.

Women who are abused are more afraid of change than the abuser. This is why they will forget what he's really like. They have to pretend or they might end up homeless and on the streets. That's scary and especially during the holidays or if you have children.

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#80285 - 12/16/05 07:08 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
A success story! A woman has been emailing me. Her husband of 16 years has been verbally abusive the entire marriage. He carried it one step further and hit her. She called the police, he was arrested and she filed for divorce. She's been hurt that he's never apologized, etc. but stuck to her guns and in court yesterday, he pled guilty to assault.

So, there are women who leave!

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#80286 - 12/16/05 07:31 PM Re: DV and Holidays
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Good for her... sounds like it was the final straw.

Sounds as if she was listening to what you had to tell her.

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#80287 - 12/16/05 07:56 PM Re: DV and Holidays
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
In my twenties, I left an abusive husband at Christmas time. I had carefully planned it and when everything came together at Christmas, I got out.

The worst part for me was that I had left my job to be with him in California. He had a lot of money, but refused to give me anything to buy Christmas gifts for my family so I sewed all my old fabric into pretty pillows for them. I used what money I had for gifts for my kids.

Though I never intended to ever be with him again, I told him I was going to take a job in our home state and he could follow later when he finished a project he was working on for the Whitehouse.

He insisted on driving me back home for Christmas with his family and mine. He strapped the gifts for my kids and his gifts for his kids on top of my van. We arrived at Mom and Dad's house on Christmas Eve. During the night I got up to play Santa and all of the gifts for his kids were intact, but my girl's gifts had blown off the van. I have never been so sad on Christmas before.

But I scrambled and re-wrapped the gifts intended for me from my husband and parents and gave them to my girls. Somehow Christmas turned out as great as ever and I was out of that mess never to go back. Within a month, I was at my new job, had miraculously bought a house, and had the kids in school.

It was the hardest Christmas I can ever remember.

smile

[ December 16, 2005, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#80288 - 12/17/05 08:46 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
An AH is just a bigger AH when he's been drinking.

Daisygirl [Smile]

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#80289 - 12/16/05 11:15 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Anonymous
Unregistered


Smilinize, great story! Your a success!

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#80290 - 12/17/05 01:07 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Planning is so crucial to leaving safely and prepared, not running in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on your back.

Smile, how did you eventually break it to him and what was his reaction?

The first and only Christmas with my ex was weird. He demanded that we lay all of our gifts under the tree so guests who visited could see them. A family custom for him I guess.

Of course, everytime he got upset with me, he'd take back all the gifts he bought me. It got to the point that I just told him to keep them forever, I didn't want them anymore.

He stole my wedding band from me so I took my key and went into his house while he was gone and stole it back. I sold it. I deserved something!

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#80291 - 12/17/05 02:24 AM Re: DV and Holidays
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Your ring reminded me of my ex....

He was military and had to leave in Nov. for a oversea cruise.

He had just moved the (4) kids and I into a 120 year old house. You could lay in bed at night and literally see the stars. The only heat was a fireplace, & it was missing several bricks.

Small rickety fence lined the drive-way to the house.
Before leaving he tore the fence down and stacked it near the back door...so I would have firewood for winter.

He left without filing an allotment... (pay that goes to spouse while member is stationed overseas).

The twins were just babies, Josh 2 and Tracey 6.

Within a few weeks...funds were non-existent, I drove to town, and sold my wedding rings...
Those rings meant absolutely nothing at that point.

I received enough money to buy a goat. The twins had been diagnosed with milk allergies, the doctor recommended goat milk. I lived 1 1/2 hr. from the nearest commissary or grocery store.
The goat had to be milked morning and night, and she loved to try to ram and kick you.

Fence he left for winter firewood was gone in a night...thank goodness it was California and not as cold as it could have been.

I found work at the base in the dining hall...the chief, and fellow cooks provided me with enough food to cover till payday.

It didn't take long before a couple of the local service men showed up with truck loads of firewood for our fireplace.

Found myself working with the local ombudsman, who immediately reported him to his commanding officer. The following month I had the allotment he should have filed before leaving.

That was the turning point for me... any man who can't provide for his children isn't worth the time of day.

I kept my job and saved for the time I would be able to leave. It took longer than I predicated.

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#80292 - 12/18/05 08:17 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Gosh Brenda, what a horror story. But I love the ending. The compassion of others to do for you and your children that your husband should have done. The kindness of strangers.

Thanks for sharing your memory, although I'm sure it might be painful to remember.

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#80293 - 12/18/05 03:21 AM Re: DV and Holidays
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
That was only one of many horror stories I went through with him.

Funny...how one thing can jog your memory. Just mention of your wedding ring, brought it all back.

Thank God, for all the loving people he placed in my path then.

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#80294 - 12/18/05 04:40 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I'm thanking Him too, for helping you during this horrible time. I'm so glad you're okay now.

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#80295 - 12/18/05 06:44 AM Re: DV and Holidays
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
It seems that the holidays does bring out more of the evil in these abusers. Maybe because they have to be 'good boys' in front of so many family members that when alone all that pent up rage bursts forth, it was that way with my father towards my mom during the holidays....scary stuff too!!

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#80296 - 12/21/05 07:34 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think the stress of spending money can also bring on violence. Just like when the welfare check or food stamps are running low toward the end of the month...the violence begins to increase. Actually, these guys or girls don't need an excuse--they're usually looking for one!

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#80297 - 12/21/05 11:58 PM Re: DV and Holidays
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Excellent point, but as you have pointed out Dianne, it isn't only people who receive welfare checks and food stamps that abuse.

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#80298 - 12/22/05 01:56 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Years ago I worked at a department store at Christmas for the holiday season and a man and woman started fighting right there in the store!

Daisygirl

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#80299 - 12/22/05 03:32 AM Re: DV and Holidays
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I still think its because they have to be sooo good in front of people during these holidays and the pretense is too much for them and they blow!!! Lack of money of course is no help but even the wealthy abuse....

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#80300 - 12/23/05 08:23 AM Re: DV and Holidays
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
It's also because they are often forced into being around the victim's family during the holiday. On normal days, they can refuse to go or refuse to let her go.

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#80301 - 12/24/05 03:51 AM Re: DV and Holidays
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
The entire thing just makes me feel sick to my stomach, to think that we gave birth to a nation of wife and child abusers, serial killers, pedafiles and God knows what else. If the statistics are correct at least the good men are still the norm but one wonders how long that will last?

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