I'm taping it right now (or at least I think I am!!) and will watch tomorrow.

I am such a doofus when it comes to televisions. When is it on? Did I miss seeing Dianne?

Suzieq, I hope your day brightens. You have emptied your heart in this post and I hope it did some good. Unfortunately there are people who will take advantage of us just because they know they can. You on the other hand came through all these experiences as cautious and mistrusting. You find it difficult to leave your home. Are you seeking any counselling for this? Do you think you could benefit?
I am adding you to my prayer list today. I pray that you find comfort and peace beyond your front door. God Bless You.
chick

Oh Dear Suzie, I am so sorry for your pain. As you can see from my signature below, I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (including incest) and young adulthood domestic violence. There seemed to be no where I could go without being violated. In my pre-teens and adolescence, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and was hospitalized for it several times. I am grateful that I never had to under go ECT because in the 60s and 70s it appeared to be drastic measures. I understand agraphobibia because I could have slipped into that condition considering the severe panic attacks I suffered from. My family treated me, the victim, as if I was the cause of the trouble. What, if any, support systems do you have now? My take on sexual assault and domestic violence survivors, as well as mental illness, is that these conditions cannot be "cured" but they can be "managed" via treatments, including drug therapy if indicated by a physician, talk therapy, self-help, self-care, introspection (including journaling) and support systems, etc. You are not a downer or a whiner. You have a right to state the traumatic experiences of your life, because it has not been easy. You could do a search for the 1450 posts I've made in the last year, and you can see that I never really let up about the fact that I experienced trauma. Hey, you might want to search the Featured Author section for April. I was the Featured Author. Maybe you'll find some of the discussion with the forum ladies regarding my book helpful. Or you can visit my site and see many of the resources available to you. One thing I want you to always know is that you are not alone. By not discussing your trauma when you were a child, your family set you up for silence, shame, and isolation. It's time to break those chains, become free, and talk about what is bothering you without thinking that you are coming across as a whiner. Love and Light, Lynn

The past can't be put to bed and forgotten until it's dealth with. It only gets worse if you try.

I'm sure at this point, you don't trust a therapist, which I understand but there are good ones out there that can help you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and for the past abuse inflicted on you. Thank you for sharing with us.

Have you ever considered a support group for survivors of sexual assault? I think it would really help validate you. There is nothing like another person who understands exactly how you feel. I highly recommend it and our Lynnie could probably find you one.

Suzie, it is true that in this day and age psychiatrists are more inclined toward dispensing medications and ECT and evaluations. Talk therapy and counseling is 65% done by social workers, other therapist are master's in counseling and/or psychologists. There are many forms of counseling. "Here and now" is just one form. How did you come upon your current therapist? Do you have access to trying another? Discussing my past was a huge part of my healing, and I never would have come so far without the freedom of learning how the past affects the present. If you can't discuss it with your therapist, then do what you've been doing by journaling. The most helpful counselors (one in my 20s, the other in my 40s) both happened to be named Karen (an odd coincidence) and both were LCSW: licensed clinical social workers. Do you like to read? I can think of books by Kay Redfield Jamison pertaining to bi-polar that are excellent memoirs. Suzie, the silencing of your trauma has had a real damaging affect on you. You are not responsible for his actions upon you, nor are you responsible for what he may have done to others. Whether or not you told has nothing to do with his behavior. Probably even if you had told, the most he would have gotten would have been a slap on the wrist. I assume this happened a long time ago. Even in this decade, perpetrators get very light sentences if reported and convicted, like 4-6 months, if anything at all, and then they are released to molest again. Do not feel guilty. You were in a no win situation. There was nothing you could do. You reached out to your roomate and you were given mis information. My step mother told me the same thing when I told her that my brother had molested me. His sexual assault of me ruined my life, until I took control just 4 or 5 years ago. It's taken everything I've got to not feel guilt or shame. You can live a more joyful and fulfilling life too. You can private message me if you want. Perhaps your counselor can recommend a support group. There is much healing in groups. How do you get to your appointments with the a-phobia? Love and Light, Lynn

I was rushing through the room but heard a small portion of the news that some woman was going to marry a serial rapist. She must need the attention.

SuzieQ, I knew our Lynnie would be able to help you. She's great.