I've been sitting on your forgiveness advice for a while, Dianne. You wrote that the smartest thing a victim can do is forgive....You know I write about forgiveness too. I bypassed forgiveness in regards to the DV of the man I was married to in young adulthood. I'm neutral toward him now. I could care less. I don't think about him, or remember him, or obsess about him anymore, or anything. If he's dead or alive, I just don't care. My father, the molester, he's dead, and I forgave him in my own personal way. My brother, the other molester, he's alive, and we rebuild our relationship the best we can based on forgiveness. As for myself, that is the hardest to forgive. I don't think I would advise victims to forgive abusers so readily. Hold abusers accountable, first. Forgive, only if and when ready. I would advise victims to forgive themselves. And I think that forgiveness does not look the same to each one of us. I suppose my neutrality to my ex husband may be perceived as forgiveness to some, others may think that I should throw in a dose of compassion for him in order for it to really be forgiveness. I have no compassion for that menace to society who was married at least 8 times! 4 kids that I know of and never paid child support. So I wonder is it okay to say that it is the smartest thing to forgive? Does that mean a victim is stupid if she does not forgive? Or cannot forgive? Aren't there some crimes that are just so heinous as to be unforgiveable? Is neutrality a form of forgiveness? Is saying, "Father forgive them" enough? I mean, I've said that: "Father, forgive them, "when I haven't yet been able to. I leave it up to God to forgive my ex because I just don't care. After all, who am I to judge how, who, and in what form forgiveness should be. Am I too literal?

Today on Dr. Phil he spoke of forgiveness of an abuser as a letting go. He said forgivness was about letting go of anger and bitterness and resentment. If that's the case, then I'm on the right path.

I believe in forgiving from a distance. Not face to face. But in your heart. If we don't, it only hurts us and keeps us tied to the abuser, if only in our thoughts.

It's about us, not the abuser. I didn't want to live a life filled with bitterness. I had to forgive for my own sake but he never knew it.

I forgave my X husband on the phone, that day I meantioned earlier in this post. His genuine apology was what it took for me to accept it, forgive him and move on. We see each other at our children's important functions and are very respectful to each other.I wouldn't want it any other way. My life is to short and my heart is too full to harbor anything only peace...my peace. I am speaking for myself here and I speak my truth, no one elses. It is what worked for me. We are all different and have to do what works for us.

chick

Yes and me the hard ass just invited my ex over for Thanksgiving since he has no where else to go this year and I decided to cook and am having a small get together. We act like acquaintences and are civil but thats all. It's better than being nasty and mean which only upsets me. I prefer to feel happy and content...Good for you Chickadee. It can be done in some cases only.

Chatty you do much more the item #2 on your to do list each day! For example, you

feed the needy
rescue the animals
entertain the callers
support the sisters
etc etc etc
much more than mere survival
anyone can survive. You, girlfriend, you GIVE!