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#80152 - 11/09/05 03:51 AM Re: Why did I stay...
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Chick,
Sounds like you survived to thrive. That's a good image for all the women who might now be facing similar situations.

I wondered if your ex-husband told you WHY he did what he did. How did he answer that question? Maybe there is something we can all learn from it.

smile

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#80153 - 11/09/05 05:41 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Wow, Chick, that is amazing! When two people can get together for healing. It sounds like that phone call was meant to be, and that it was guided for him to oblige your need to talk. That is the way of healing!

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#80154 - 11/09/05 11:12 PM Re: Why did I stay...
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Lynnie and Smile, I was healed, but unfortunately my X wasn't. He still has rage and beats his wife (on occassion, which is WRONG). He beat, choked, threw things at me, etc. EVERY DAY, sometimes twice or three times a day for those years.
He told me this:

I was afraid that if you spoke to anyone,I would lose you. I had to keep you for myself.

You were a strong woman and if I kept you down, you would stay. I told you all those horrible things so you would believe them.

You were beautiful and I hated anyone else looking at you. You were mine and mine alone.I was sooo jealous when my friends said anything good about you.I didn't trust anyone.

If you looked at anyone else, I was afraid that you wanted them and not me.

I was young and stupid, young and stupid. I was always afraid that you would leave me so I did everything to make you stay. (he explained this in the sense of knowing it was wrong, but didn't know the difference back then)

I had low self estem and felt closed in with a lot of responsibility, than I tried to handle, but didn't know how.

I want to add this: When I spoke about certain instances, my X had no recollection and replied, "I did that?"

The conversation lasted over 3 hours(obviously too much to post here) with an "I'm sorry, I will always love you and I'll never marry again." I told him the same.

I told him to treat his girlfriend right and never hurt her.

I called her the next day(I didn't mention my X and I talking the previous day) and told her,"If you ever need someone to talk to, call me" She did...but thats another story.

This feels like a flusing of the soul girls, hope I'm not boring anyone.
chick

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#80155 - 11/09/05 11:29 PM Re: Why did I stay...
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Chick, your sharing is anything but boring! More like wise healing words. Thank you for opening yourself up like this to us. I for one am more grateful than you know.

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#80156 - 11/10/05 12:36 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Fiftyandfine Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 154
Loc: FL
Hey,
When did we get this topic? Right up until now, chick, I was thrilled with how much we have in common--but this one makes me so, so sad. Of course, like you, I feel like it was in another lifetime. I posted a little about it in another thread. I did not, however, get the resolution you did. My ex refused to acknowledge he did ANYTHING wrong. Still, I at least got a little revenge. In addition to the abuse, he slept around. Years after our divorce he called me to announce "I have Herpes and uh, some other stuff." I laughed out loud at him. Then I panicked, thinking he might have given something to me, and I might have given it, in turn, to my husband. NOPE! A battery of tests showed we were both clear. I LAUGHED SOME MORE! It was the ultimate "what goes around..." Now that I'm older and wiser [Wink] I honestly think it would have been better to get some real answers out of him. It was good to see what your ex had to say, because I'll bet my ex's would be similar. I do know that he never changed his ways, because his second wife divorced him for abuse and sleeping around, too.

Chatty, I know that "kill him" feeling, but you're right--no man is worth that.

Eagle, you always touch on the healing, which is a reminder I need all too often!

Bless all of you.

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#80157 - 11/10/05 12:44 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
The smartest thing a survivor of dv can do is forgive. Forgive herself for staying, forgive the abuser so she can move forward. Hatred keeps us emotionally stalled. What's done is done but we can never allow it to define who we are for the rest of our lives.

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#80158 - 11/10/05 05:49 AM Re: Why did I stay...
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Chickadee you don't have a boring bone in your body....I have to say that no matter what excuse these losers/abusers give after the fact, its a pile of donkey dong...There is no excuse or reason for any of it and its all a lot of hooey. They do it because they want to and they can....

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#80159 - 11/10/05 08:29 AM Re: Why did I stay...
KAY B Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 243
Loc: Long Island, New York
My best friend & I are no longer that because of a man who came into her life. He controlled her mentally & physically--and she couldn't see it.

I couldn't understand how she could be with this man. She told me time and time again that her now ex didn't even treat her as badly at his worst.

Now she's done with him--or so we're lead to believe. But I am the bad guy---because I saw him for what he was--and still is.

I still can't understand how she allowed a man to lure her in like he did. It's sad that we are no longer friends because of a man.

I've tried and tried......she wants nothing to do with me now. I no longer have sympathy for her--& I am not wasting my energy on anger.

Everyone who cared about her tried to make her see this man for who he really was. But she wouldn't listen to a soul--she turned her back on the people who truely cared about her. As horrible as it sounds, I got tired of hearing it.

It's not like she had nowhere to go--or nobody to help her. She had friends--family--avenues open to her. And she turned it all down.

It just makes me sad---I was there for her--I tried--and she chose to end a 20+ yr friendship over this. She got annoyed that I didn't see things her way--and we didn't ban her ex from our lives. (he's my husband's best friend). And we saw her kids behind her back--the boyfriend wouldn't allow us to see her--so we couldn't see the kids any other way!

Even having an inside view of abuse--it still boggles my mind. A woman who would otherwise kick someones butt--turned into a stranger.

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#80160 - 11/10/05 06:17 PM Re: Why did I stay...
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Kay, it goes with the territory.

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#80161 - 11/11/05 01:22 AM Re: Why did I stay...
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Dianne, you said a mouthful. Kay, if my memory serves me correctly, I had a friend that was there for me(at work where HE couldn't have any control)and after it was all over, I couldn't bring myself to be friends with her. Remember this way over 30 years ago, I was so young, but my reasoning is still fresh in my mind. I was ashamed...so ashamed of myself and I didn't want anyone, even my good friend bringing it all up again.(I am not insinuating anything about you here, btw). I wanted it to be over and done. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted to break free. She just wanted to put him down and say I told you so. She, being young and truly meaning no harm, wanted to talk, talk, talk, about it. I walked around alone for many years, not dating or meeting new people, even woman friends, because I wanted to be alone. Maybe it was because of the loss(marriage), maybe because I didn't trust anyone, anymore. I raised my kids alone,without financial support and couldn't afford babysitters, money for coffee etc.I just felt like I didn't belong...
I am glad I started writing here about those days. I could cry for (me)that young girl, way back then, she was sad...so sad. And lonely... but she came through it at her own pace in her own time. She is a pillar of strength today and has helped and continues to help others through their ordeal.
Kay, I cannot suggest anything here that might work except this. Call her up and say "How about a coffee and a chat on new beginnings, and I promise we won't talk one word about 'you know who'. Tell her you love her and want her friendship back on her terms...and btw what are they?"
Just a thought from my perspective, Kay. Is it worth one more try? Good luck if you decide. I'll add a prayer for you.

chick

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