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#80142 - 11/06/05 04:41 AM Why did I stay...
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
I am pleased that we have a forum specifically on this topic. I can't think of a better place that I'd want to share my words.

I chose to write this today so you can have my insite into why some women( Me [Big Grin] )stay in an abusive relationship. This part of my life is over and done and thirty years later it is only a memory that does not affect my every day life. I healed from the abuse a long time ago. Today I healed enough to share it with others. So ladies here's a little bit of info from my "Victim Eyes."

My parents didn't have an abusive relationship and I knew what was happening to me was wrong, wrong, dead wrong. There were "NO" signs prior to my marriage and I was totally stunned with shock when I recieved my first slap. Over time,I fought back but grew more fearful each time, when my blows couldn't match his. It was painful.It hurt...

I chose to hide the abuse for many reasons and have included some of them here in no particular order.

One: I was a Catholic and married for better or for worse praying that maybe worse would become better. The problem? The more I tried to fix it the worse it got.

Two: I was ashamed to admit to others that I married a man who was abusive. Around others he was a nice guy(even to me) and you can't work that kind of talk into a conversation anyway.

Three: I lived far away from my family and friends, especially new friends at work. I was isolated and phone calls, when allowed, were monitored.

Four: I didn't want to worry my Mom and if Dad found out I knew he would go to jail. I didn't tell his parents because his Dad would go to jail. Period!

Four: I didn't know I had a place to go and that there was help available..I wasn't around this kind of stuff to know that. I didn't know others were going through this too.

Five: I loved him when I married him. I pitied him when he cried and said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and hoped he meant it. Chance after chance, I hoped...and hoped...and hoped.

Six: I didn't have any money. I only signed my check and passed it to him.I saw the front once. We worked at the same company

Seven: I was young and scared. My self esteem was slowly stripped away and I believed all the horrible names I was called and all the horrible scenarios about what would happen if I did anything out of the way...Or God forbid ...leave.

Eight: He was my children's Dad and they loved him. He didn't hurt them physically and was always kind to them. He was an excellent Dad.(besides the abuse, I mean)

I could go on and on and believe me...on and on with reasons why I stayed. No two women, relationships etc. are alike but the likeness of the situations are very similar. Age, knowledge and experience keep most of us from entering another abusive relationship.

We can't expect all of you to understand. We know some of you say...wouldn't happen to me,I'd kill the bastard, etc. Believe me, this is what I can also say. Today and only today...but not back then.

I am also going to post on "Why did I leave." Unfortunately, I did the right thing for the wrong reason but I got out...alive.

To be continued...

chick (the more I write...the better I heal)

[ November 05, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

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#80143 - 11/06/05 04:56 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Such courage, my friend...brings to mind two of my favourite words...wounded healer. Thank you.

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#80144 - 11/06/05 05:34 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona

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#80145 - 11/06/05 05:36 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Chick, thank you and bless you!

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#80146 - 11/06/05 06:07 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Chick, thank you for posting this. I don't recall that there was any help and/or talk on the topic of DV 30 years ago. I am wondering what you mean by you did the right thing for the wrong reason? You are very inspiring to have shared, endured, and come so far.

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#80147 - 11/06/05 12:38 PM Re: Why did I stay...
norma Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/05
Posts: 286
Loc: western canada
thanks Chick... so many things i can relate to in your story.

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#80148 - 11/07/05 03:14 AM Re: Why did I stay...
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
You are brave now just as you were when you did finally leave him. I am one who says I'd kill the bastard but thats probably because the abuse I witnessed for so many years was my mothers. She endured for nearly 25 years but as we kids became young adults we urgered her to leave him and leave him she did and never looked back. I saw mother go from a timid little house slave to an effervesant twinkling star. She just blossomed and he literally withered away....I still believe killing to be a big fat sin and wouldn't take the chance in case there is a hell, no man is worth paying that price.

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#80149 - 11/08/05 03:21 AM Re: Why did I stay...
Anonymous
Unregistered


Chickadee, I too, can relate to your story. Sorry this happened, yet I'm glad to know how strong you are now!

There are many women who live in silence w/out voicing the abuse. I met one in Bible Study last night. I promised to share Dianne's book w/ her.

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#80150 - 11/08/05 03:30 AM Re: Why did I stay...
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Chickadee, thanks for your story. May you continue to heal and find the strength you need in life.

[ November 07, 2005, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: meredithbead ]

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#80151 - 11/09/05 03:13 AM Re: Why did I stay...
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
I appreciate all your good wishes ladies. It feels like this all happened in another lifetime. I tried to heal for years and was going along just fine, I mean it wasn't a burden on my mind or anything, but one day I got to thinking about it a little too hard (it was eleven years later) so I picked up the phone and called my X husband. I told him I wanted to have a good talk with him to help me understand WHY? Oddly enough, he obliged and when I hung up, I was completely satisfied and yes healed. I never looked back...

chick

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