This forum has been added at the request of forum members. My prayer is that this will always be a safe place for women to share and learn more about a topic that is near to more women's hearts than our awareness.

Well, I would like to start this off by giving a link to a short article I wrote. It is coming from an emotional level, not lawful, meaning...there are other factors involved such as, the police, judges or attorneys not helping the victim in her time of need.


http://www.askdamaris.com/why_does_she_stay.htm

This article depicts the situation that is far too often the way police missmanage these crucial happenings. Dianne, my ex asked to read your book and was shocked to see the extent of the cruelty that these abusers dish out. If more boys were made aware early, I bet there would be a lot less abuse in their futures. I think we should lobby for this to be a subject taught in our schools to both sexes.

I've been asked to talk to high school classes. What amazed me was the teachers..."I saw a boy slam his girlfriend into a locker. Is this abuse?" If the teachers don't know and understand, what chance do the students have?

I hope some of you watched Oprah today. It was so typical of a victim of abuse. Confusion, hoping he'd be sorry for almost killing her, thinking she loved him. To people who don't know about abuse it seems surreal but to us who have suffered it, it goes with the territory and we understand completely!

Dianne, do you think the blond woman will go back to her abuser? It seemed like she was getting it, but she was very weak.

The statement in your article re the power of the honeymoon period hit home with me. When I was divorcing my 2nd husband for being verbally abusive, he made a comment that I had all the power. I realize now that he was getting very tired of the honeymoon period. Since I wasn't falling for it, he kept it up for months and months, until the divorce was final.

If a woman is with an abuser, the abuser never learns, you have to leave permenantly for them to get it, if they ever do. If I would've stayed, he would still be yelling at me.

Daisygirl

The blonde women is Mindy McRae (spelling) a popular country-music singer. The one thing that surprised me is how casual she was about her life and her rights. For example, she said that the restraining order pertaining to her boyfriend was "100 feet" when in fact the limit is 100 yards. She has been losing her will if she is not empowered enough to even know what the restraining order, which she asked for, is all about. I'm not blaming her, I am just saying how sorely unempowered she feels. I also understand the dynamics of suicide attempts in relation to the loss of will. Dotsie, thank you so much for adding a forum for this important topic. Dianne, the local domestic violence prevention place here in CO Springs is forbidden by certain school districts to do trainings! Yet high school and earlier is the time to bring attention regarding the dynamics of abuse.

Actually, her name is Mindy McCready. I think she would go back to her abuser in a flash but I also think he's going to be doing some serious time for attempted murder so that might give her time to get some intense counseling and break through the fog she's in.

Did you notice how she was protecting him? In some states, if the victim is found with the abuser and a restraining order is in place, she can also be fined. But, she wasn't concerned about herself, just him, which is very typical with a victim of dv.

Daisy, they only pretend to get it. In truth, they never do. It's all an act to pull the woman back into their trap.

Lynnie, let me guess...it's the higher income schools that don't want dv taught to the students. Geesh. "It couldn't happen in our neighborhood!"

[ November 04, 2005, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Dianne,

Your article took me straight back in time to my first marriage. But, then again I faced it everyday as a child, watching my mom going through the same abuse. Day after day year after year.
Reached a certain point of being so sick...just looking at him made me throw-up, that I prayed and prayed to be set free.

Just so thankful for the statement at the end of the article; "Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."
Because, I came to know the truth and I was set free.

Counseled other abused women in the Dumfries area for years, before moving here.
My last client was male, it was so hard for me to relate to him. Finally had to turn him over to another counselor. Always felt bad about that... guess I just couldn't relate to a woman being that cruel, even though I know it happens.

Your right, we have more shelters for animals then abused women and their children.

Great article, Dianne. Very enlightening. I'm sure domestic violence has always existed, but do you ever wonder why it is so rampant these days?

Does the phrase sex and violence ring a bell, it should thats the time we live in today. Have you ever watched what our toddlers are seeing in the programs they watch, thats right toddlers, slapping and hitting and violence and thats suppose to be funny, and as they grow older the violent programs escalate. They do what they see and see it they do...

[ November 05, 2005, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

So many forms of violence. I think possibly physical violence occurs more often today between partners. Our home became the first 'safe house' for women, in our community in 1984, (other women had got the project started). The prevailing attitudes prior and at that point when women were hit, seemed to be "well, what did she do to deserve it?" "She must of had it coming." (Who would dare admit to being kicked punched or raped the shame was so great)With no place to go, being blamed as the instigator, few skills for jobs outside the home, who will ever know how many women kept quiet, did as she was told to prevent words becoming blows, and cried in silence.

Chatty... I agree with your views above. And have to ask, how can 'adults'enjoy watching any form of violence as entertainment? Isn't there enough of it in reality ?

I agree with Chatty. Movies and television are playing a big part in instagating violence. I won't watch a Eddie Murphy movie because one of his characters slapped an elderly woman in one of his stupid movies. I will also not watch Woody Allen because of his pedophile ways.

It's difficult to say if violence has increased (dv) or more people are reporting it. Men have a harder time admitting their wife is abusing them. "A real man wouldn't let that happen." which really means, he would hit her back.

The NDVH can't keep up with their calls. They have a machine that translates 187 languages and they don't have enough funding to keep all of the phone lines manned. It's not only increasing in numbers, according the them, but in violence. Our technology is being used against us...cell phones have become the latest weapon when used to beat a woman on the head.

Blaming the victim no longer flys, thank goodness. But, even with shelters available, we need transitional housing and job training so the victims can be on their own and not be forced into returning to an abuser because she doesn't have the money to feed, clothe or provide a roof over their heads.

I cannot tolerate watching violence on TV, especially if a man is hitting a woman or anyone is hitting a child. Makes me nauseous.
I never thought of the fact that maybe more women are reporting it, whereas in the past, women just figured it was part of marriage...scary.

Great posts. Please don't forget to create new topics.

Bluebird...a major law changed in the 90's here, which made great differences. Prior to that change, the victim, had to lay the charge.
No matter what was obvious. Now, the police officer when seeing signs of assault, lays the charge. The decision is taken away from the victim to prevent the abuser intimidating the victim into withdrawing charges. It is out of the victim's hands. (Of course they can still be intimidated into not supporting the evidence of who was responsible during a trial.)
But, if one was able to prevent physical harm,
(by silence and obedience or whatever)verbal abuse (which slowly destroys any self respect, dignity) was not recognized unless specific threats were involved. I think verbal abuse was definitely rampant in the past. And it was a double edged sword, in that, if you prevented physical harm, by 'obedience or whatever',
when you did speak out,the common words were "But he never hit her!" "Well, what is the problem ? Did he hit you? Sticks and stones..." Which obviously implied many things.

If you are an African-American woman, you know the pain caused by prejudice. If you are of the Jewish faith, you have heard stories about your ancestors and the bigotry directed at them because of their religious belief. If you are Native American, you understand racism and untrue stories about your traits. If you are a white woman, you comprehend discrimination simply because you are female.

We are all sisters regardless of race, religion, skin color, or sexual preference. Our relatives before us fought for their rights, and we continue in their footsteps. We battle with the laws, the courts, with male leaders, and the corporate world.

Why then do we allow an abusive man to steal from us-to take what is not only rightfully ours, but that which others have previously struggled to attain: our self, spirit, power, equality, sense of worthiness, and control?

We will take on the world to gain equality but roll over and play dead for some man who will ultimately destroy us! It doesn't make sense.

Nowadays, we stand a fighting chance to gain balance in the work force. We can sue against job discrimination. We are able to prove our ability to those who doubted us simply because we are women. But we stand no chance of fairness when involved with an abuser.

Just because we are dealing with matters of the heart, we can't become vulnerable. Emotional relationships can benefit from objectivity and analysis.

Approach your abusive relationship as a business. Is it successful? Are you reaping benefits? What is its value? Finally, the most important business question-what does the bottom line tell you? If it is a failure, it might be time to sell or get out!

Like what Dotsie, how about an example?

Hi everyone, I have a question. Chatty put the words "sex and violence" together. My question is this: Dotsie, are you here? I just thought I'd ask everyone. Since DV is, in part, a matter of power and control, as is SA (sexual assault) and the co-occurence of DV and SA is high, would it be appropriate to include SA in the title of this forum? You would be surprised at the number of women who have been raped during marriage by their partners, but who do not consider themselves as being raped because it was their own husband! I could be biased because confronting these issues is my mission, but, I don't want to exclude SA because it falls so close to DV. Also, a majority of women who experienced SA in their youth go on to marry (or have boyfriends) who are DV perps. What do you think? Can we add SA to this forum?

Also, SA/DV is an appropriate forum for boomer women because it is often not until mid-life that women feel safe, sound, and sane enough to deal with the trauma of their earlier years. Also, many women have been so so busy with raising children, holding down jobs and households, that they never had time to give their traumas a thought until the trauma crashes down on them like a tsunami at mid life. Women are more likely to be raped between the ages of 18-25 (college age.) With so many boomer women with college aged daughters, it is likely that a mother's repressed memory of a date rape or acquaintance rape will come forward as she sees her daughter in college. Of course, there are many chat rooms available on the topics of SA & DV but few are entirely for women, and none are exclusive to boomer women.

Brenda, in what capacity did you counsel victims? I am wondering if you are a therapist. Norma, what happened to the safe house? Our DV/SA agency in CO Springs cites conflicting community activities 1) the neighbors say this does not happen in my back yard (thus affirming Dianne's comment as to why the agency is forbidden to speak at some schools) YET 2) the frequency and intensity of violence is escalating! Yes, even the officers who have been on the DV rounds for years say the violence is getting more violent. Chatty is correct in the comment about the media portraying violence in association with sex. I won't watch Will & Grace because body parts are in every segment, same with that stupid show Joey. I agree with Dianne about Woody Allen. He may be a genius film maker, but I cannot support his work since he married his adopted daughter. An officer went to a DV call. The woman had obviously been hurt. The officer asked the woman if she wanted to press charges. She protected the offender by saying NO. The officer turned to the man and asked him if he had a complaint. He pointed to a tiny bruise allegedly done by the woman. The officer asked the man if he wanted to press charges, and he said YES. She was handcuffed and jailed immediately. This is crazy!

[ November 05, 2005, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

Hi Lynnie, the safe house program ran about 7 years, it was a voluteer program, although each 'safe house operator' got a per diem initially of about 8 dollars per adult, 4 for each child to cover costs. The women, could stay up to 5 days. In that time we (if there was another voluteer available) would be taking them to lawyers, maybe the doctor's, looking for alternative housing if they did not want to go back home, taking their kids to school if necessary, getting the kids feeling safe. It was so often only at night when tears and details would come out. Because our house has 5 bedrooms,generally those with kids stayed here. The time period was too short for what needing to be done. Finally after this number of years, there was enough information around town to prove violence in one form or another does happen and is not "deserved'. Other people then got together and funds were raised for a full time, fully staffed, transition house. Since then we've had one man and his son brought here by the police because of the wife's behavior. He spoke of other men now needing a place to be safe from their wives, but i've since removed my name from the police station in case a place is needed so, dont know if anything in that area has formed.

Norma, that is so generous of you to be involved in a safe house program. 5 days sounds like a short amount of time but those 5 days can be a matter of life and death!

Thanks Lynnie, but there wasn't a place to go when i had wanted one - and i had 3 daughters, the motivation on my part was not generousity, but wanting there to be places, if they ever needed one. (i like your words though). And it was also an attempt to make amends. I couldn't go back and give the affection my oldest girls needed when so often we each walked on egg shells here. I couldn't take back words they got instead of my husband. The women who came here, and their kids, gave me as much or more than i was able to give them, though we smoked alot of cigerettes, and drank alot of coffee, after all others were in bed, deep bonds quickly developed.
(and after the first night, they'd be saying of course to 'the secret swedish receipe' which they knew helped people sleep. (my granny made it for my dad when he was a boy, and he made it for me). (those grandparents were born in 1867 and 1873)