He takes meds...risperdal, adderall xr, strattera, and something to help him sleep. He's been on meds for years.

Tough love is good, for typical kids who "get it". Shawn does not understand the cause/effect stuff. He is so highly impulsive, it will make him dangerous in years to come. If not sooner. I sound like I'm defending but I'm not. I just don't recall what I've said and haven't said. LOL You kind of get lost in the shuffle.

For instance, he had his CD player stolen today at school. He has been told that he can only use it to soothe himself on the spec ed bus that picks him up. But he has been resistant to giving it up the remainder of the day (he's included in a few regular ed classes) and he wants to be like the other kids, who really aren't supposed to have them either but the school bends on this issue. I guess some parents don't mind replacing stolen CD players but we have no intention of doing it ~ we only bought it three months ago for him for his birthday.

He has had an at-risk youth petition on him four years ago and spent three days in jail because he mouthed off to the judge at a contempt hearing. He didn't get it ~ he was just shooting off his mouth.

It's really sad though, he said he'd rather live in a foster family than with us, who care too much about what he does. It's the attachment stuff; he doesn't trust anyone and his immediate response to when that surface trust is broken is rage. Not really good prediciton for law-abiding citizen, is it?

I just feel like we're kind of stuck with him until he's 18 and then he's unleashed on the world. I guess we can be thankful that he hasn't figured out that he can go out to the bus stop and disappear, not actually go to school. But he does. We might not be so lucky when he heads off to high school next school year.

Interestingly enough...despite him knowing that I was distancing myself from him the last few days, he called me when his CD player was stolen. I guess he trusts me more than he realizes, or is willing to admit and I guess that is a good thing. "I" have been the one that has been honest to him, never bulls#$%%$# him on things. Both of his parents have; I don't sugarcoat at all. I wasn't raised that way. In some way, I think that he appreciates that.

[ January 20, 2006, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Bubbles, you hit on an important popint that many of us don't understand. Some children don't grasp the consequences for their behavior, or they grasp it, but can't control themselves.

Why don't you check with the doctors about his meds. Perhaps there is another mix that would help control his anger. I don't know much about medications, but I know enough to realize that sometimes medications can trigger certain personality traits. Have you spoken with his doctor lately about having his medicine changed?

My son had ODD,(opposite defiant disorder) ADHD/ADD.

He's 26 now and has grown out of his outbursts and wild behavior.
Back then.. he was building bombs in his room and threatening sucide everyday. Threatening to cut everyone's throat while we slept...so typical is not what I called him.
His medicine was court ordered...but after reaching 18 he went off all medicine and hasn't gone back.

He does have a hard time staying focused with work, and nomally isn't with a job longer than 3-6 months at a time...refuses to even think about med's.

About 2 years ago he started a fight with his sister and threatened her...she refused to press charges...so I put him out of the house for nearly a year and a half.
No...problems since...everyone in this house knows you mind your p's and q's or the police will be called and you will go to jail.
We accept no calls for bail money. Just the way it is.

Dotsie, had a good idea about the medication. Wouldn't hurt to check...sometimes med's just stop being effective.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Bubbles...Your safety is very important!

You mentioned earlier that he said he would "rather live with a foster family". Which is probably being said just to make you wrong. But perhaps there is an Agency in your area that could arrange a foster family (or something similar) situation for him. Sometimes being in a totally different environment can bring changes for the better. I would definitely check that the medication he is on is actually doing him good.

You have taken the responsibility to take care of him this long, which in my opinion is very courageous.

Now you need to put yourself first

I see, Sami, that you live in Montreal. I love that city. I used to live in Northern New York State, about 1.5 hour south of Montreal. We used to travel there about twice per year and wander the old city mostly. What a beautiful place and what great memories I have. I now live near Seattle, WA.

As for Shawn...yes, I think that his meds need to be increased but one of them is one that can contribute to him developing diabetes, especially when he steals sweets and such. I am hesitant to increase that med. The other one needs to be increased because he's grown so much in the last year and a half and it's based on weight. But unfortunately, that is the one that only controls impulses, not anger. The one that can lead to diabetes (and liver damage) is the one for rage.

I've thought about foster homes, trust me. I do believe that he could/would hit one of us with not a second thought. His father does not. I did tell dad that if it comes down to that, he needs to be out of the house. Dad doesn't think that will ever happen. He's burying his head in the sand, that's for sure! But I think that he's one of those people, too, that don't speculate on things that haven't happened. He deals with things when they're real. Men tend to do that ~ women plan ahead more. Therapist has explained that to him, why I worry and she has explained to me why he doesn't do things the way that I would, like supervise his own child! LOL

Are any of you step-parents? I'm assuming you are, as you're responding in this area. Do you have issues like this or just the typical rivalry of stepkids and the interloper, as we're so often referred to?

Bubbles
I feel for you as I live the same life eveyday with my stepson. He has ADHD and anger management probles. He lives in the home with us as well as 3 other kids. I have never been so affraid in my life and thought I was the only one. Till a friend of mine sent me to this form. I hope all works out for you as I pray for myself and kids not to be harmed by him. I really dont know what to do with him anymore. But my prayers are with you as well as anyone who has to live this life..

It's not getting a whole lot better. Here is some of an email from Shawn's teacher yesterday:

Some information was relayed to me today regarding comments
that Shawn made on Friday, January 13th when I had a substitute. I want
to update you on this. This is second hand information coming to me.
Therefore, I am not sure about specific details or language and the
person relaying the information could not remember specific language or
comments either. In response to hearing conversation about his goals and
privileges, Shawn made comments about being able to get a gun anytime
that he wanted to. He also mentioned emptying clips into people and
being able to shoot people. I was told that the comments were not
directed at one person. Please let me know if you have any questions or
information.


This is our life with this child. My daughter, who never swears was calling him an a-hole the other night and telling me that she didn't want to live here anymore! This is just over the top this week. Shawn told me the other night that if I let him do whatever he wants, he would be a better stepson to me. His father let him have it which I was very pleased to see. I saw Shawn's therapist on Monday and it helped, although it's kind of like a freaking death sentence living with him and hoping to no end that something happens and he's removed from the home. Honestly, I may end up making a DSHS call today or encourage my daughter to tell someone at school that she fears for her life. Why can't someone see what we're going through?!

If we were wealthy, he'd be in a residential program, I assure you. If we were poor, we could get the state to help us. But because we make a fairly good living, we're screwed. He needs to be out of our home but our hands our tied. Unless he commits a crime. That's pretty much the way that it is.

Cringing again... every time, I read about Shawn in your posts...brings back so many memories.

I have to say this again, only because I have gone through this kind of behavior and know what worked for us.

If, you have any love for these children what so ever... every time they threaten someone's life, or their own...call the police and press charges. So, surprised the school didn't call the police and report this behavior. Why didn't they??? It's not too late.

If, you have guns in your home...I would suggest they are under lock and key, or completely taken out of the home.

Shawn's therapist doesn't have to live in your home, with him.
You can be charged for not protecting the other children in your home, if Shawn chooses to harm them.

We were not wealthy either, when my son was acting out. In fact what savings we did have was spent on the care he did receive. Just having him receiving the help, plus him and us both being safe was a big relief.

Press charges...go to court...tell the judge you are all afraid for your lives...someone else is not going to do it for you...you are the one who love them...even though it's hard to see that love right now. Call the police about any and all threats, etc.
Don't wait until they harm themselves or another.

Lostforwords...please go back and read the posts in this forum. Buy the book, "Tough Love" and read it from cover to cover. I pray you both find the help you need, before someone is hurt.

I know our area has the Tough Love support group....find out if it's available in your area. Might be through the area church's etc, sure the police dept. could head you in the right direction.

[ January 27, 2006, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]

Bubbles, you've received good advice here, now take it!!! No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in someone elses home unless they bring it out into the open. Now if he shoots everyone then the media gets involved. Don't wait to be a statistic.

[ January 29, 2006, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Bubbles you haven't been around and I can only hope nothing bad has occured. Please jump in and let us know how you are and the situation at home....been praying for you all.