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#71270 - 01/02/06 07:08 PM Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
My 19 yr. old step daughter is manipulative, troubled and coniving. She tries to come between my husband and I all the time. She lives 4 hours south of us with her mother, his 3rd wife. She is the baby of 3 daughters. She tries to act like her "daddy" and her have the most special relationship, that they are just alike and understand each other. She talks about me behind my back to her dad. He bought her a rail pass so she can visit anytime she pleases. She informed me right off the bat that she is lazy and is in no hurry to get her GED and that she doesn't do housework. She calls me a lard ass and a blonde and when I am hurt or offended she says, "I was just kidding, and to her dad, "F*** she can't even take a f***ing joke?!" He just laughs. He thinks her behavior is cute and I'm just too sensitive.
She stole my perfume and my frilly underthings. I found them in her suitcase stuffed down in the pockets. He took her side saying that in the household where she lives, they just take each other's things. I said in my home we don't do that.
She regularly goes to visit his 4th wife, the one right before me, because as she puts it to her dad, "She was so good to me and taught me so much..." They have a special relationship.
I am an outsider in my husband's town. He hangs out at the local bar and has for years so does #2 wife and she is jealous of me and resents his two grandsons who live with her coming to visit me or liking me.
Everyone knows him and his daughters and his exes. I'm just #5 and we fight all the time.
My daughter 23 yr. old daughter is living with us until the 13th when she will either go into a drug rehab program or to prison. Her darling 3 yr. old daughter will live with me until she is able to take care of her daughter again. My husband honestly says he doesn't know if he will be able to live with that situation or not. If not, then she and I will have to move out of the house that I helped him finance along with 20,000 of his own cc debt.
I feel like an outsider all the time and his daughter constantly makes reference to the fact that there have been many years, many wives and many friends older and more important to her and "daddy" than me. I love my husband and have honestly tried to get his daughters to accept and love me, but they don't.
They each want their mothers to be the important ones to their dad.
Got any advice? At least he doesn't throw things at me anymore.

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#71271 - 01/03/06 08:16 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Number5, I feel badly for you. Perhaps you can read your post again and realize there is a lot of negativity in it. Is the post about the daughter only, or about the way your husband acts too?

Your last comment concerns me. Is he verbally or physically abusive?

No one should have to feel like it is me against the world. Do you have any close friends or sisters to confide in?

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#71272 - 01/03/06 08:54 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Number5...what I got from reading your posts is, you have been married less than a year to a man you fight with all the time ...but, at least he doesn't throw things at you anymore. This man is abusive and so is his daughter...he hasn't changed after 5 wives and isn't about to change now.

He allows his daughter to come into your home, talk down to you and to steal anything she wants, from your personal belongings.
If, he hands her a rail pass's maybe, it should be to visit the 4th wife so she can continue to teach her what she hasn't learned already.
"No one", would come into my house and cuss me without leaving immediately. If, she had stole from me, ...I would have called the police and pressed charges on her. This is abuse and dad is allowing her to get away with doing so, just as "he is".

Your quote..."I love my husband & tried to get his daughters to accept and love me".
You can not make anyone accept or love you...
Sounds like the daughter doesn't even like herself. I would have to question your husband's love???

Your hubby was the charming romantic to get what he needed at the time...someone to take care of all of his needs...in all of his "sickness".
He looks out for his self and his...and can't live with taking in your granddaughter, or caring about your needs.

My advice to you is find yourself a lawyer... run not walk... away from this man.

My ex has been married 5 times...his dad was married 7.

Get yourself out.....

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#71273 - 01/02/06 09:03 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Number5,the fact that your husband has married 5 times, says it all. If he couldn't "love, honor and cherish till death did them part" 4 times, what makes you think he feels that way about you? I'm sorry to sound so brutal on my first post to you, but this situation is bad. You will not change him or his daughter.
I'm glad you joined us here and if you stick around, you will get lots of loving support, no matter what you choose to do. And there are many of us already begging Almighty God to protect you and guide you.
Peace.

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#71274 - 01/02/06 09:38 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
My husband says he is willing to try having my grandaughter with us but can't promise anything. Says he won't "kick us to the curb just yet." He is taking an early disability retirement and we are supposed to manage an apartment complex for free rent and utilities. It is a two BR. Needs me to help manage and work full time at my job also. Wants my grandaughter in daycare as long as they can keep her during the day. He needs me to pack, clean, move us to new location and then set up housekeeping there. I suspect then he will "kick us to the curb" and move his daughter in. She said he told her he was giving her his car and buying himself a new one after we sell his house. She said he told her not to tell me about it.
I feel so betrayed. He denies he ever said quite that though.

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#71275 - 01/02/06 09:43 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Number5, do you have any family or friends you can stay with, if you feel the need to get out?

[ January 02, 2006, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]

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#71276 - 01/02/06 10:27 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
This man is lying to you. He wants someone to wait hand and foot on him...he gives nothing in return.
Talk to your family....
collect your belongiongs and move.

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#71277 - 01/02/06 11:09 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I thank all of you for your advice. I'm listening. I actually do have a plan B but am just trying to make sure I'm not making a big mistake

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#71278 - 01/02/06 11:25 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Glad to hear you have a plan B. Sometimes, when we are so close to the situation it's hard to see the truth.
What does your family think? Or, others who are close to you... that love you?

I'm praying for God to watch over and protect you.

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#71279 - 01/02/06 11:43 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
My family wants me out pronto. It's so strange to love someone and care what happens to them but know that you have probably made a big mistake. You feel that it is now too late and have so much invested. He says I'm pushing him too far, way beyond what he has ever said he was willing to do or accept in his life. His children treat me with very guarded coolness. It seems they wish me and mine would simply go away and their dad would reunite with their respective moms.
If I sit at the computer and play video games to "chill out" he walks in and says there is a lot of work to be done and why am I wasting time?
He did buy Christmas presents for my grandchildren though. I don't know if he expects me to pay him back or not.
Sometimes hes really not that bad and can actually be very nice. When he is a bastard it is usually his excuse that he is in pain or worried about his future.
He has friends who have sent off for girlfriends in Russia and China. I think he would do that in a heartbeat and still may.

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#71280 - 01/03/06 12:30 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Pattyann Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 245
Loc: Ocala Florida
Oh#5
Please run -Now!!
The only things you need to pack are the clothes the little theif didn't take and your precious grand daughter
You are not a slave- and for sure you are not an equal partner in this marriage- get a good lawyer
He is that bad- sorry- you really are just making excuses for him- you don't need to be mentally abused and for certain he is no one to be around a child

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#71281 - 01/03/06 02:06 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Number5 I already gave my opinion on this situation in your other post about it today and my answer still stands, padlock and key and your husband sounds like more of a putz than before.... [Eek!]

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#71282 - 01/03/06 02:59 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
LSmith5434 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/05
Posts: 370
Loc: Washington State
Wow......I missed this post.
Here we go again.....I totally agree with Chatty and everyone else.
Please......get out and away from both the abusive people in you life!
Lynne

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#71283 - 01/03/06 02:27 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I'm so happy to have found this site. Thanks to all of you for your input. When I read what I wrote in a public forum like this, I realize that I sound like a total wimp for even trying to make this work.
I think I've lost my self respect and have accepted a role as servant or underling. Last night I went with my daughter to work out in a town nearby. My husband threw a fit saying, "There is so much to do around here and you want to go and work out!" "Sure, leave me hurting and working, that's my workout." "You go on the the gym with your daughter though"
I DID and enjoyed every minute of it, furthermore, after the gym my daughter, grandaughter and I went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant. I worried and fretted the whole time we were eating out only to discover when I talked to him on the phone that he had left his "chores" and gone to the bar shortly after we left.
He was already about 3 sheets by the time I got home. I can't live like this anymore, in fear and anxiety and wondering from one day to the next if I'm even going to have a home or a husband or a job or be yelled at or doors slammed or things broken.
Once he put me in a hammer lock and forced me to ride in a vehicle with a drunk driver. Other people saw and heard him. When we got home he chased me throuogh the house and tried to kick the bathroom door in. The hole is still there.
He threw a metal beer bottle at me several times trying to hit me with it and broke his own eye glasses and several of our dinner glasses all over the floor and I had to clean it up.
Maybe his daughter would be good for him or someone from Russia.....
Anyway thank all of you so much and God bless you.

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#71284 - 01/03/06 06:52 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
You deserve so much better....

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#71285 - 01/03/06 07:47 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Number5,
It sounds as if the abuse in your marriage is becoming increasingly violent. I hope you are making provisions to protect yourself as you may be in danger.

Please don't be concerned that we will think you a "wimp." Facing a failed marriage is so difficult. It's a time when believing in miracles is easier than facing fact. But the fact is you must protect yourself and your family.

Writing your experiences down and posting them on here is a huge first step. And it sounds as if you are already becoming emotionally stronger. We will be here to listen and support no matter what decision you make.

Your survival should be your most important consideration at this point, but perhaps you should consult an attorney to help you develop exit strategies.

You and your family will be in my prayers today.

smile

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#71286 - 01/04/06 08:06 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Number5, please begin making plans to get away from him.

Wimp, not. I believe you are strong.

Coming here may have been step one, but we need to hear about step two. What plans are you making for your departure from this abusive situation? Feel free to tell us and perhaps we can offer some suggestions.

We will certainly build your confidence to do the right thing...and that is to protect yourself.

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#71287 - 01/04/06 08:06 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
#5 Don't think about anything, just pack your bags as soon as he leaves for a couple of hours and leave. Go to the nearest police station and ask where the women's crisis shelter is. They will take you there. You will be safe there, it isn't listed so he won't know where you are. You and your grandchildren are in danger. You are in an abusive situation where he is setting you up to use you as his financial support after he retires. He is using the threat of throwing you out to control you. Beware of cycles where he is nice and you fall for him all over again--they will be quickly followed by periods of abuse. We will all support you, encourage you and pray for you. Be bold, take action, protect yourself and leave before something really bad happens to you or your grandchild.

My advice--don't wait for plan B. Get out and then make plans. If he comes home drunk and forces you to go on another joy ride--you might not ever get to plan B. Go now, go quickly.

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#71288 - 01/04/06 02:14 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Good God girl what are you waiting for, the ME to be standing over your dead body saying, poor thing! You never mentioned violence in the other post at all or my answer would have been much stronger. Now is not the time to worry about what anyone else thinks of you. You are not a wimp, you are an abused, frightened and confused woman who needs to get herself together and get the hell out of there while you are still able to....No one deserves what you have been given and mark my words the worst is yet to come if you remain there....

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#71289 - 01/04/06 01:01 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Number5, I agree with everything that's been said.

It's imperative that you leave this very dangerous situation ASAP. It will only get worse. You're endangering yourself, your daughter and your granddaughter.

If you're worried about the money and time and effort you threw into this relationship already --- the longer you stay, the more you'll lose. Cut your losses before you lose everything -- and I do mean EVERYTHING.

See a lawyer. NOW.

You cannot fix your marriage. It was damned from the start because you husband has been abusing you in one form or another since Day 1.

Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out.

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#71290 - 01/06/06 10:58 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
karenelaine1977 Offline


Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 238
Loc: Mississippi
Number5-Here's a big ole hug for you. ((((Number5)))). I think that you have to take care of yourself now. Apparently, your husband is set and satisfied with his ways, but YOU, honey, have a daughter and granddaughter to think about. I am sure they want you around for a long time. So, for yourself and for them...remember that you don't deserve to be treated this way. May God give you the strength. Love, Karen

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#71291 - 01/06/06 10:31 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I just emailed her to see how things are going.

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#71292 - 01/09/06 07:37 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Hi everyone,
My life is too complicated for me to handle. I keep slipping up. I drink too much to drown the pain then get in trouble for drinking with the very people who are responsible for the pain. They don't like it when the enabler has a problem and isn't as strong as they would like. They can't lean on you anymore. People keep telling me to think of myself for once in my life, but I don't really know how to think of me. I keep saying that when this one's problem is resolved or that one's problem is resolved, then I can think about what I need and what would make me happy in this life.
I haven't felt powerful for a very long time and now my daughter who is going for sentencing on Friday the 13th had a bad pap smear and won't go for a biopsy. I'm so afraid of losing her and have been since she was 13. I just lost my husband from a massive heart attack on April 5th 2004 and remarried this asshole, now I live in fear of losing my daughter also. How do I find my way out of this tragic maze??? I have my three year old grandaughter with me and I want to do right by her. She is so precious and beautiful. I want a normal life for her and a routine. Life seems to be so tragic. How do I find my way back?

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#71293 - 01/09/06 07:45 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
The latest news on my step daughter is that she brought her boyfriend to meet us and used him as a scapegoat to gain her dad's attention. When she didn't get the emotional response she wanted, the rejected the boyfriend and left him emotionally bleeding and angry.
Then she stole my daughter's expensive clothing after she took the step sister out to eat, loaned her clothing and was kind and attentive to her, even bought her expensive perfume for Christmas.
My daughter suggested to the step daughter that meybe her belongings wound up in her suitcase by mistake. Finally, the step daughter admitted she had the expensive clothing items and said she would send them back. She knows, however, that my daughter is going away on friday the 13th to either prison or a program so these items probably will never be returned just like mine were never returned.
My husband continues to defend his daughter and says mine who may have a serious health issue that goes untreated is lazy, not a good mom and would love nothing better than for her to be locked up forever or worse.
I really do hate him for that.

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#71294 - 01/09/06 07:57 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
You are taking the first step out of the "tragic maze" by writing down the facts, but that will not protect you. Drinking will also not protect you. It will only endanger you and drag you down to a the level of those who abuse you.

Staying in this terrible situation certainly does not sound as if it has lead to a normal life for your daughter nor will it lead to a normal life for your granddaughter.

If your 'self esteem' is not strong enough at this point to escape for yourself, maybe you can do it for your daughter and granddaughter. You are not only putting yourself and your daughter, at risk, you are putting your granddaughter at risk also.

But this is your decision. Only you know the whole story and only you can take action. We will be here to support you no matter what you do.

Holding you in prayer.
smile

[ January 08, 2006, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#71295 - 01/09/06 10:17 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
Number 5. I posted earlier and I'll tell you again. As soon as possible pack a bag and go to the police station, ask them to take you to the crisis shelter. YOU may not have the strength, will or self-esteem to get out on your own but THEY will help you. All you have to do is take the first step.

Your granddaughter and daughter need you fit and whole to help them. If you can't find enough love for your self to help yourself right now, you CAN find enough love to get out for the sake of your granddaughter.

I too, had been too frightened and too beaten down to get out on my own but when I looked into the eyes of my little boy I just couldn't sentence him to a lifetime of abuse. His life gave me the strength I needed to run to the crisis shelter--the help I received there was invaluable and was a turning point in my life. It can be for you too. That was almost 15 years ago and I am so glad to be out of that nightmare life! It's available to you too, grap it!

PS. They will also help you understand some of the ways you sabotage yourself--just when things are going good we tend to set ourselves up for failure, they'll help you recognize and bypass this self-distructive behaviour. Also they will help you with the 'self-medicating' you are doing. Reaching for a drink to dull the pain--if you think about it you probably started dating this man to dull the pain after your husband died.

I hope you won't think me pushy, but Jesus can take all that pain away and replace it with pure joy. He has for me and I know he will for you. Jesus loves YOU and has cared for you since before you were born. Reach for Him and He'll be there to take your hand...I'm praying for you and your little family--you've been on my heart all weekend. All of us are here for you and we love you!

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#71296 - 01/11/06 11:55 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Pattyann Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 245
Loc: Ocala Florida
#5
You really need to go
How is drinking too much going to help?- You have been forced to be the strong one here and if you sink into some drunken stupor there will be no one to protect your grandchild.
There is really no way to live in this situation
If you need to start all over again with nothing- you can- as long as you have your life and your soul and that precious child
Please go

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#71297 - 01/21/06 07:04 PM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
Bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 16
Loc: WA
Boy, #5...hope everything is alright in this situation. No woman should have to deal with this. If a man loves you, truly loves you, then this stuff wouldn't be happening.

Why is your daughter going to prison? Or a program? Is this the mother of your grandchild?

Don't mean to be blunt but I'm coming into this kind of on the late side.

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#71298 - 01/22/06 04:03 AM Re: Hanging On By A Thread!
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
See what I mean Number5, we really all do care very much even the newer ladies..

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