Dallas, you've given me lots to think about. When posting of course I left alot out. I will reply again.

Certainly the bottom line is that I want what is best for G.
Moving back is not an option. The place we lived has a poor health care and education system and the incidences of drug & alcohol abuse, family violence and teen suicides are the highest in the country.
G's mother was violent with her x-husband as well had problems with drugs and alcohol.
When he is with her, he has behavior problems and with us is very well adjusted and responds well to routine and reasonable discipline.
We take parenting very seriously.
The biological parents cannot work together because she is not a reasonable person and often volatile. I have supported my partner to be calm and supportive to her and any communications I've had with her have been friendly and supportive.
I posted because it is so tough having to communicate with a person that is so difficult to deal with. I know that it has been difficult for her and so always try to give her the benefit of the doubt but she repeatedly insults me.
As far as her financial situation, she has a wage that is $20k more than my partner, she just has poor spending habits and likely spends a fair deal on alcohol and probably drugs.
Also, G does not call his mother 'Mommy' but in a different language so that title to me would be unique and by request by him.
It would be nice if you (dallas) could counsel her and tell her not to sacrifice G's wellbeing for her selfishness.

K,

I would love to talk to G's mom if she ever posted here. I know I would recommend counselling for her and the same book I recommended to you - Stepwives.

You mentioned that G responds well to routines and reasonable discipline when with you all. If he is not acting this way with his birth mom, that means he does probably does not have routines and reasonable, if any, discipline. It is very common for single moms to become very passive with disciplining their children. They tend to feel scared, fearful that if they discipline that they will lose the child as well, or the child will like the other parent more...this is not good b/c children, like G, need discipline and direction and when they don't get it they act out to get some sort of parental leadership roles going in the house. Most often this acting out produces Aggressive tendencies in what was an overly-permissive mom.

Do you know if there are Family intervention programs in the area where G and his mom live that offer parenting classes - especially ones called "STEP" Strategic Techniques for Effective Parenting? These are usually hosted by non-profit groups using gov/state grant money, so child care is provided and you meet once a week, etc.

G desires discipline, correction and direction - just as any child does deep down - because it makes him feel SAFE. Recommend you possibly getting some books for her on healthy disciplining (i.e. Making Your Kids Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman) as well as Stepwives.

If the mother is using drugs, abusing alcohol, and is volatile with G - pull in Child Protective Services, G. is considered an at-risk child. If charges are substantiated against the birth mom - then G will be removed from her custody and given to his father, if the court deems him suitable.

K, have you ever studied anything re: The Personalities? Private Message me and I'll send you some resources I have here to help you in understanding more about personalities and how they influence our interactions with others. That may help you all in dealing with his mom.

I have been and am where you are at with dealing with "extended" families and it does get overwhelming and is often painful - keep pushing through, and keep your head up, there is light ahead.

Best to you all to have this resolved quickly - it is not in G's best interests, or anyone directly involved, to have the 4 month/4 month visitations to continue.

K, I am sorry that she insults you..every person deserves respect.

I really really really recommend you read Stepwives - it is an eye-opening journey both ways for the emotions that surround an ex-wife and a stepmom and their in-common child.

Let me know what you think of the book when you've read it.

I do not want to sound like a salesman but here's what i did with legal needs.

I joined Pre-Paid legal. Paid some small up front member fees and then got a very good attorney for a discounted rate.
He was awesome. And I saved over 1000 bucks for his services.

Agnt, is this something you can do online? If so, mind sharing the web site?

Agnt43 is a MAN so not fair to ask him anything either, right? Who needs his advice!!!

Dotsie on the main Boomer page scroll down to Google and type in 'pre-paid legal' and umteen choices pop up....

[ January 31, 2006, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

A friend of mine is a pre-paid legal rep...

here is her info:

http://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/pmmcquire

You can get all the info online. We are signed up for prepaid legal and identity theft with this company.

It is cheap insurance! (and you get a free will done...which alone could cost you LOTS of $$$)

Danita