Hiya people. I am new to the site. I am from the UK. And have been a stepparent for nearly 9 years. The trouble I am having is the stepdaughter,its not just me either its all adults. She is disrespectful,rude,lazy,mouthy,arrogant and just downright nasty. She has got something to say about everything, bullies my kids. And treats myself and her father with such disrespect. I have honestly done everything in my power to get her sorted. But it has now come down to ignoring her every move, sound. I really dislike the girl. We took my son to soccer training yesterday and came home to the washing basket overflowing with her dirty washing. Gary asked her why she hadnt done it and even offered to show her how to use the machine. She turned round and said that she shouldnt have to do anything around the house cos thats what we are here for. And that until she is 18 and an adult shes not doing a thing. Her laundry is now in a black bag, and will NOT be done by me. If she runs out of clothes NOT MY PROBLEM. My husband who normally does things to keep the peace was shocked by her behavour and totally agrees with me. I need some more help on how to deal with her, because just being in the same house as her is making me ill.

Oh may I point out that the stepkids stay with us 4 days and their mother 4 days. Its always been like this. Just to straigten things out.

Someone created this monster so someone has to straighten her out. Who was the Dr. Frankenstein in this case?

Bit of her father, bit of her mother and bit of her nan. Who treated her like she was the only one that mattered. Noone wants to take responsibility for this thing. She thinks she is a diva. Thats it. Noone else matters. For instance last night, shes on the phone. Sitting on the stairs. Now any NORMAL person would move if someone was coming up or down the stairs. NOT HER. Oh no. I stood there and made a hand gesture for her to move, and she got rather rude. Telling ME that an excuse me wouldnt hurt. So we have got to be nice and polite towards her, and not get it back. I dont think so. I am treating her the way she does me. I have been lying awake night after night trying to find some way out of this. I have only been married for 3 months. So obviously dont want to go. But after 9 years in this relationship the stepdaughter and I should have a reasonable relationship, shouldnt we?? I am hurting so much at the moment, Husband doesnt want to know. Hes not bothered at the way she is. She walks around this house as if its her own. Does nothing to contribute to the chores in any way shape or form. In fact its me or her father that do it. But I refuse point blank with her laundry after the episode recently. Husband will not make her go live with her mother full time, as he feels hes letting his kids down if he does that. After 9 years of abuse from this brat, I really cant do this anymore. Yes ignoring her and what she wants is working to a certain extent. But she is now threatening my 8 year old that she will punch him if he doesnt do what she says. Constantly asking for money from him. I cant stand the kid, And feel I have done the best I can with her. I give up. I have been told to keep ignoring her cos she will be the first to cave in. Especially where her washing is concerned. And she will realise that her ignorance, rudness and verbal cruelty will turn on her.

Sounds like ruining your marriage might be a priority on her list. How old is she?

I would really let her know that if she ever lays a hand on your son, she's gonna regret it. And I would have taken the phone out of her hands and told her to NEVER speak to you like that. If your husband isn't going to protect all of you, it appears you will be the one.

I have found that fathers are afraid to address problems because of the fear their child will no longer love them and leave. So, you, the stepmom has to be the one who takes care of the evil deed. What will you lose since she's already disrespecting you?

Can you sit her down, just the two of you, and ask her just what her problem is? Not in anger but just a talk.

Shes 13. I have tried and tried to talk to her over and over again. It works for a few weeks, then I get the name calling I am a *****NG B***H for telling her to turn the tv down. I do not appreciate mtv thumping through the house at 7.30am. So had good reason to tell her to turn it down. I have even got my mum involved and it seemed to work. In fact for nearly 3 months we got on so well. I thought it was the turning point I so so wanted. The she calls me the above name I mentioned and it went downhill from there. Had to get mum down again the other week, and she was even verbally abusive to her. I am at my wits end. I cannot deal with her anymore. And husband doesnt want to know. You are probably right he doesnt want to hurt her. But I can see where this childs life is leading. And its not gonna be pretty. He cant see it. Hes nto ashamed at how shes turned out, hes not annoyed she treats me and mine like something shes stepped in. But doesnt want me to leave, cos more kids in another broken marriage isnt good. Yes he has a point but hes not helping matters. I told him about her threatening my son if he didnt do her dishes. Ya know what?? He did nothing. I am screaming inside for my children. And for the man I once loved. But am afraid to say just kinda like now. I dont look at him in the same way. This child is tearing me apart. But why for years has she said its about time you n dad got married. Just to tear it all apart so soon after the event. I just want her to go live with her mum full time. I cant deal with her. He works shifts, so for 2 days I am here with them. Not so much when schools in. Its summer break here, so I have had to take time off to watch my boys. But even when he is on rest days he is fishing and leaving me to deal with her. I feel like the person I was has died. And need to get her back. Please help.

Oh just found some more dirty washing in the bathroom. I put it right into her special black bag. She seems to be wearing the clothing once, and its going in the wash. She doesnt do anything to warrent it going in the laundry. Hasnt come out of her room for 3 days. And certainly hasnt done anything to get up a sweat.lol. Shes gonna get such a shock when she has no clothing.I find it rather amusing. Shes not taking that attitude with us and getting away with it.

She called you THAT and your husband didn't do anything? Good grief. This is really bad.

I don't think it's that he doesn't want to hurt her, he doesn't want to make his life uncomfortable while allowing all of this to burden you, while you're the bad guy. So wrong.

I'd insist that he go to a counselor with you...like right now. I wouldn't take no for an answer. Tell him the marriage depends on it. And, I would not stay home with her while he goes off fishing or whatever. Tell him he takes her with him. You've gotta get strong on this because it seems like you're being walked over like a door mat.

I know how hurtful and depressing this is. And, I know you don't have to live like this either. I'd sit my husband down and tell him he's got some serious decisions to make and it's now or never. For him to allow his daughter to treat you like this is not acceptable. Ever.

I know, and thankyou. I have been walking round in a daze today. Nearly in tears. After spending alot of time cleaning the bathroom yesterday, i came home from a little trip out to the town to find the room in a total state. 2 Towels(why 2) in the wash basket, thrown in there like she has no care in the world. Shampoo left out, Just a total bloody mess. I dont think over here in the UK we have councelling for stepparents in greif. And I know that he WILL NOT want to come and sort things out because he doesnt think there is anything wrong with her. He thinks I make it all up, I am sure of it. I am just so unhappy. Other than councelling I cant see anyway of this improoveing

Have you read any books on step parenting? There is one called Step Wars that's supposed to be good.

Honestly, if he won't go to counseling you are going to have to make some decisions yourself. You can go by yourself to save your sanity and possibly learn how to deal with this. Then, you have to watch and see if anything changes.

Does she act nasty in his presence? If she does and he still doesn't care, he doesn't think you're making it up, he just doesn't want to deal with it. They can act like they are scared of their own children at times.

So, if he isn't going to change and she isn't going to change, you have the option of completely detaching from it. Don't pay any attention to her or her nastiness, don't pick up after her, and just remove yourself from the situation mentally. Go out with the other kids and do things with them. Make your own form of happiness. Don't complain about her to your husband. Just stop reacting. I think this is what she wants...a reaction from you. If it doesn't work, she might decide it isn't worth the effort.

I know how you feel. Trust me. I know!