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#71096 - 06/28/05 06:15 PM Am I stupid or what?
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
My husband's son (25 yrs old and married) (I'll call him G) borrowed my husband's and my new kubota tractor and really abused it and did some damage. My husband showed him how to use it and told him it was not as powerful as a full-sized one and that he needed to remember that when he was working on his property.
I've known G for almost 2 years and thought we had a pretty good relationship. He's come to me on several occasions asking my advice on things and talking about his troubled marriage. His dad and I have been married for almost 3 months and we're both in our 50's.
Due to the damage G did to the tractor, he was told by his dad that the tractor is not leaving our property again. That made G very upset and I guess he thought we were being unreasonable. When G came to pick up the trailer (G had borrowed that from his father-in-law), I gave him a piece of paper with the price of the damage for the hood replacement and he got really pissed at me saying it was "just a tractor" and damage is expected. I pointed out to him that the hood was crushed in, the hydraulic lines were bent and the bucket was out of alignment and bent...those aren't normal damages through normal usage. I told him that he took responsiblity for the tractor when he drove it off our property and it was his responsiblity to make it the damages right. He was very angry and stomped off and called his father at work and told him he'd prefer it if I did not get into the middle of things, despite the fact that I am half owner of this tractor. To make a long story short, he's decided I am to keep out of his business with his dad and he has told my husband (his father) that he'd prefer if I did not interfere in this matter.
When I wasn't home G and his wife stopped by and talked to his dad and they decided that G would do some work on the place to repay the damage as he's not able to pay. (My husband and I were originally talking about G paying us back a little each month). I would have been okay with the new decision but I was not included in the discussion with my husband about the final decision until AFTER G and my husband had talked. I found this out when I called G to arrange a time for them to come over and talk about what happened. G and his wife told me the decision had been made and if I had a problem I needed to talk to my husband...end of discussion and they slammed the phone down on me. My husband had just come home from work when I confronted him with this decision and he said yes he'd made that decision... thus our first argument ever ensued because of it. It didn't take long for me to get my point across to my husband about us needing to be a united front concerning our marriage and not letting G call the shots and run our marriage...My husband said he was wrong and should have not decided anything until he and I had talked about it. It just make G think more that I need to butt out even more.
I've worked hard in 2 years to build a good relationship with all his kids (there are 3). I was a step child and a prior step mom and so I know how hard it can be. G has had a prior step-mom from hell and I'm the complete opposite of what she was.
My husband is upset that G and his wife would attack me so badly after all I've done for them and my wound is very deep at the moment and do not care to be around them. We have decided that G's borrowing card has been cancelled (he likes to borrow things and not return them until we ask for them or go over and get them). We should have been smarter about the tractor considering his track record.
I'm pretty hurt by this and feel resentful. Not sure what to do next.

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#71097 - 06/28/05 06:29 PM Re: Am I stupid or what?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
As I have said before on this site; When in doubt, do nothing.... [Cool]
This could turn into a real family war if allowed to. It seems your husband and you are on the same united front together and thats good. It sounds like you have done all you can to be a good stepmom. G sounds like an irresponsible spoiled brat that doesn't have any thought for anyone but himself. Personally I would be glad if he never came around if he were my stepson. [Wink]

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#71098 - 06/28/05 06:46 PM Re: Am I stupid or what?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Ah, welcome to the world of the outsider. Been there, done that and am still doing it! [Big Grin]

I've learned that this is something your husband has to take care of because if you try to force it, you will still and again, come out as the bad guy. It's a no win situation for you. If you agree to everything, right or wrong, you are allowed to be the good stepmom but when you say no, sorry, you can't, you automatically go into the evil stepmonster mode. It's the old addage, blood is thicker than water.

Maybe if you and husband can agree that the rule stands, no more borrowing, etc. and the Stepson understands that it's both of you and not just you, it will sink in.

Another thought is, your husband may have assembled this monster so he has to unassemble him. It may take a while because kids are spoiled for a reason...they were allowed to be that way, so it could take a good, long time to undo all of this.

Just know that I understand how you feel and detachment works best for me.

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#71099 - 06/29/05 07:02 AM Re: Am I stupid or what?
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. I was a step-child when I was 10 until I was in my 20's and promised myself I would never be the kind of step-mom I had...and I haven't been.
This has proven to me that "no good deed goes unpunished." Sounds cynical, but in a step-family, it's true.
The ironic thing about this is that when my eldest son and daughter-in-law heard what had happened, they purchased the tractor hood and had it sent to their step-dad for father's day...a day that G did not respond to to his dad...no card, no gift, nothing...in fact, that was the day we found the tractor had been so damaged and it came home. None of my husband's kids did anything on father's day for him. So...why should anything surprise me at this point concering any of his children. My children adore their step-dad and treat him with great respect. They see how happy I am with him and how good he treats me. They agree with what you two are saying...G's using the 'step' card to try to push me out of being involved.
What happens in the future is yet to be clear at this point...but, the fact for sure is that right now the last person I need to be around is G and his wife.

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#71100 - 06/29/05 07:30 AM Re: Am I stupid or what?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
I think kids sometimes dislike step parents who are really good to them because it makes them recognize how their bio-parent has failed them.

Just keep being who you are and stick with your husband even if he makes mistakes. Sounds like he is trying and the two of you together can handle just about anything.
smile

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#71101 - 06/29/05 07:46 AM Re: Am I stupid or what?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Not sure but it seems this post is in several places on here. I responded in another one of them.

JJ

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#71102 - 06/29/05 04:23 AM Re: Am I stupid or what?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Yep it is in several places and heres the one I apparently posted on, this subject is in 2 other places besides this one, geesh....Thats one way to get alot of responses. No matter however, I think the responses would be the same in all three places. I hope things improve for you Dee but it sounds like a powqer play on G's part, stand firm!!! Just to prove a point, my grandson who's 14 years old borrowed my mower to work cutting lawns for people and when he brought it back it was spotless, he washed it and even polished it. It was better than when he borrowed it. Thats the difference between a spoiled user and well trained young man...G has alot to learn. [Roll Eyes]

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#71103 - 06/29/05 06:22 AM Re: Am I stupid or what?
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
I agree. I've had more than one person say that G's behavior is one who is spoiled. I don't know. All I know for sure is he was rude in his comments to me and irresponsible in his treatment of the tractor and deceiptful in wanting his father to keep me out of the picture. A very sad combination for someone who is supposed to be a grown man. I plan on standing firm. I will not allow anyone to tell me how to run things in my own marriage or when it concerns my property that I need to butt out...you know?

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