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#71020 - 04/24/05 02:21 AM Re: Step-Son
Mary20783 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 16
Loc: Florida
Chick, Yes I did tell him my story about being adopted and he could have cared less, he actually walked out of the kitchen while I was talking. This morning while I was out my husband told the boy that there would be a family meeting on my husband's next day off. The child is not working today and has been home all day and has been too nice. I think he's scared of another meeting. He should be. I went to the bakery store where he works today and did not seek out this young lady, but she came to me and started talking about all the bad things the boy has been doing on the job. With that information and some papers he left laying out, words to a song he was writing I've made the decision to tell my husband he has to go, now! That will happen on my husband's next day off, Monday I pray. I have found 6 different places either for kids who are troubled or homeless shelters that he can take him too. I refuse to live any longer in fear of my life. He can live there until he gets his next paycheck on May 4th and buy his own ticket anywhere he wants to go. We do not have the money to buy the ticket ourselves. We literally live paycheck to paycheck with no savings.
Thank you for adding us to your prayer list, that means so much to me, you'll never know!
You all are the best.
Mary

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#71021 - 04/25/05 06:56 PM Re: Step-Son
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Today is a big day for you. I'm remembering you in prayer.

There's a part of me that aches for this young man. I hope he gets the help he needs.I have a place in my heart for lost teens. I'll put him there and keep him in prayer.

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#71022 - 04/25/05 08:09 PM Re: Step-Son
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
DON'T MESS WITH MOM

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind! .

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that ap! pointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned< BR>so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

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#71023 - 04/25/05 08:37 PM Re: Step-Son
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh my. I love this. Truly love this!

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#71024 - 04/26/05 02:32 AM Re: Step-Son
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
That was GREAT! =)

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#71025 - 04/26/05 03:57 AM Re: Step-Son
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Mary,

Situations like this are never easy - but this statement of yours says a lot:

"The fact is he knew the 'rules' of the house before he ever came down here and agreed to them, yet now he doesn't care."

Your stepson is making a choice to behave the way he is behaving.

The worst thing to do is not enforce the rules and to not insist and enforce discipline to teach your stepson that disrespect is not allowed.

From the sounds of it, he is in definite need of counseling

It is sad, but at the same time, bad behavior esculates if not checked and held to accountability.

For example, He is taking your and your husband's things to see if he will get a reaction from you all. He should get a reaction, and I hope you are or will be giving him the reaction of taking your things back from his room, while at the same time pulling his privilege of having his own TV and VCR for several weeks (I would do one week for EACH item he took).

He is looking for discipline - give it to him.

You and your husband can also get together and make a contract and have him sign a contract that clearly spells out "This is what we expect" (A) and This is what happens if you do A (B - your reward/privileges/rights), If you do not do A, then this is what happens (C - Your discipline/your lack of rewards/privileges/rights). You and your husband sign this contract as well as your son. Before signing, ask your son's opinion on the items in the contract. If he is a sulky boy and doesn't answer, then the contract stands as is. If he gets beligerent and answers irrationally or immaturely, simply state that you are trying to treat him as a 17 year old and give him the choice to participate in the process, if he chooses to give up his choice by yelling/screaming/being disrespectful the contract stands as is. Once signed, you all are now accountable to the contract of living and home arrangements and no one (your son) can say in the future "I didn't know", "I didn't understand" or "You all are being unfair".

Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is a retaliation, discipline is a loving action that shows a child that as a parent you care enough to care that they know the difference between right and wrong and consciously choose right over wrong.

_________________________________________________

If the discipline does not work

There is also another resource that may possibly be available for your family in Florida

National House of Hope
http://www.nationalhouseofhope.org/index.htm

The have a House of Hope in Orlando Florida
___________________________________________

I also, again, would highly recommend that you get into Christian counseling in your area for both your stepson as well as a family so that as a family you can help your son, through a counselor's direction how to develop better interpersonal and interrelational skills all stemming from an active conscience and learned empathy.

I would also recommend purchasing a home drug test from your local CVS/Walmart/Pharmacy and insist on testing him...every month or every two weeks if you suspect any possibility of drug use. Plan ahead through your insurance company if you feel drugs are involved so that he is checked immediately into a rehab if he tests positive.
________________________

Also, I really, really, really like some advice the Dr. Phil gave to a family with an out of control kid - strip the room down to one bed, with a mattress, one blanket, one pillow and two changes of clothes and let him EARN his stuff back over time (time being months) of good behavior. Dr. Phil said that we as parents give our children too much with too little expectations. (amen!)

Someone at some point has to show him what is character and how you build it. You do not build good character by disrespecting others.

Mary, I believe that you and your husband were not put in this situation without a reason and although there is a time to "tough love" and kick a kid out for non-compliance, I don't think you all are at the point IMO. You all just haven't put the full strength of your parenting power into the picture.

If he cannot pick up after himself and clean up his messes - he doesn't determine when and what he eats, you all do. If he wants to act like a two year old regarding food then give him the privileges of a two year old, which is to be on a feeding schedule as recommended by the Assoc. for Pediatric Medicine which is every 3-4 hours.

Make it clear to him that you all love him, but do NOT love his behavior, and it is his behavior that needs to change.

He needs someone to hold him accountable - this means if he steals, press charges; if he lies, ground him, if he takes things that are not his but keeps them in the house - remove all items that are not his plus remove the same number of items that are his and put them in "time out" for one week per # of items.

When he "wins the war" by getting your husband to yell or you to smoke or do other self-destructing behaviors to either one of you or your marriage, then you both are GIVING up the power of your parenting. You retain control when you maintain your power. You maintain your power when instead of "falling off the wagon" and starting to smoke again(which is you HURTING you) you choose to instead of smoking use exercise to lower your stress levels and blood pressure.

(For exercise: Highly recommend sex with hubby - not only does 15 min of foreplay and 20 minutes of sex burn 125 calories for the average weight female, you also get the fringe benefit of focusing on the most important relationship in the house and getting the benefit of activating hormones that naturally reduce stress through sexual contact.)

You maintain power when you vent with a counselor and you respond to your son with solid strength. (Even when you don't feel strong.)

As your husband and yourself are true to what you believe is right and wrong and follow through enforcing the rules, not feeling sorry for the kid who has been through so much, and follow through (is there an echo? <big grin>) then you will have a better behaved kid.

If you don't believe me - Talk to Dr. Laura =)
www.drlaura.com

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#71026 - 04/26/05 03:52 PM Re: Step-Son
Mary20783 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 16
Loc: Florida
Jaw Jaw,
Where in the world did you get the Don't Mess with Mom poem? I love it. Can I copy and pass on to friends and family?
Diane and Dotsie, Thank you for your prayers.
Dallas-Gal, We have tried many of your ideas. He did sign a 'contract' the first day he was here, and then I had him re-read it and re-sign and date a month later. We did take things from him when his behavior required it.
My huband tried the military type approach. Chanting like a Marine will racking leaves, push ups for bad behavior. Phone priviledges revoked, and so on.
I've not been able to log on for a few days due to the following:
Saturday morning a dear friend and I went to the Bakery where he worked to support him and say hello...he didn't show up for work. A teen who worked their stopped by the table to say hello and was very chatty. Here are a few things that she brought to my attention that we didn't know about. The boy had been late to work several times and when questioned, argued about it with his managers. He was stealing food that they were required to pay for. He couldn't ever understand how to use the ordering/cashier register, so they had him on clean up, of course we never heard about that one. He told the teens there he had been a drug dealer in NY. His bio-father was a rap star, that the reason he wasn't in school was because he had a 4.0 grade average and had already graduated. Talked about how many women he had done, and on and on.
There are several more, but here is ONE of the worse. He had sexual harrassed 3 girls and the girls had brought it to the attention of the managers. They spoke to the boy, but didn't fire him, go figure. The last thing she said I'll get to in a second..
Later that day the boy came home and after beating around the bush for 45 minutes told me he had gotten fired. Yikes, what was I to do. My husband wouldn't be home until after 11:00pm and due to the nature of his business and the amount of people on schedule he just couldn't leave the job....From my heart I truly believed it would be best not to call him home. I just acted like the perfect person and listened to him ramble while fixing the kid the best dinner. The boy knew that if my husband found out about losing his job, that would be the final straw. So he was making up this plan that he would leave for work as usual and as soon as my husband left for work he would come back home. (My husband's schedule changes daily) The kid stated that if I told my husband he would take it out on me!
Sunday The boy left for work before my husband. That gave us a bit of time to talk. My husband said if the boy got home before he could get home, to lock him out because he didn't want me in the home by myself. My husband sent me to the bus station to buy him a one-way, non-refundable ticket up north where his family lived. With the ticket in my hand I went ahead and counted the hours before the kid came home. I did let him in after he got home from work and I was so sweet and nice I should have won an award. Hubby got home and I only then told him the last thing the girl at the bakery told me...The boy had a hit list, and I was at the top of the list and as soon as he got paid, which would have been this Wednesday he was going to buy a gun and take me out. My husband went in the kids room, snatched him off the bed told him to pack up while he stood over him watching. During the packing process my huband never once raised his hand to him, or his voice. He went through the grocery list of everything he had or had not done, what I had learned about him at the Bakery, the words to rap songs he had written about killing people, and about his hit list and me being the first one. He took him to the bus station and waited there with him for 4 hours before the bus was scheduled to leave. Made sure he got on the bus and waited for the bus to leave and actually followed the bus out of town to make sure it made it to the interstate without the kid getting off the bus.
When he got home at midnight, he called the boy's mother, the ex-wfie and warned her he was coming home. The child was way beyond any help we could have given him. He was too set in his mind for us to have changed it at all. He needs professional help and the 'real' family their for him. We have no blood relationship to him at all and the boy made sure we knew it many times during he 2 months he lived here.
So ladies, he is gone from our life's. He will not be allowed to return ever in his life.
It's Over!
Without your friendship, and kind caring words and most of all your advice I never would have had the strength to make it through this last week. You have been priceless. You have pointed out so many issues to me and helped me realize the path we had to take, especially after he was making threats on my life. Sleeping with a butcher knife at hand is not the type of life anyone should ever have to go through.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. If ever we should hear about him I will write an upate.
Love ya all,
Mary
PS After reading this some may wonder why we didn't call the police. Neither of us have the strength to go through such an ordeal. Lawyers, family and friends being affected through our own pain. Who knows, possible new media coverage.
My blood pressure was off the charts and am now on medicaiton. I've lost over 20 pounds without even dieting for a second. My disabilities have kicked into high gear. The child is not our responsibility.
My husband did advise the ex-wife to call the police if he came and got violent at her home and not to let the child back in her house. That ex has an explosive personality and could phsycially handle herself, whereas I could never deffend myself other than using an item like a knife to protect myself. The ex-wife notified her daughters do to the same. We called my husband's 30 year old daughter and told her the story. Don't let him through the door. We do not know how to reach his biological family to let them know he was returning.

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#71027 - 04/26/05 06:16 PM Re: Step-Son
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Mary,
You are a brave woman, and your husband is a good man. Don't you think God led you to the bakery that day? Otherwise...

In my opinion, you did everything possible. I hope peace returns to you and your husband soon, and that your life becomes what it was before THE SON...what a scary and frightening way to have to live. You lasted much longer than I would have. My best to you both, JJ

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#71028 - 04/26/05 10:08 PM Re: Step-Son
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Mary,

Sounds like you and your husband did the best and only things left available to you...and are now needing some R&R.

Enjoy each other and your home, exercising =) and relaxing together.

Warm regards,

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#71029 - 04/27/05 12:17 AM Re: Step-Son
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
The two of you handled this situation in an exceptional fashion. The young man was given every opportunity to better his life with loving and generous people. There is such a thing as a "bad seed" and nothing anyone does can change it. Life is too short and precious. Now you can relax and use the time to lessen your blood pressure and enrich you and your husbands lives. You tried, thats all anyone can expect...Thank God your safe.

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