As I re-read this post, it occurred to me that you may be playing right into your step-son's hands.

By refusing to be with him while he is with his son, you are forcing your husband to choose between the two of you. To choose what he desires over what he owes is almost impossible for a responsible man. Your step son probably instinctively knows his father can't choose and is using the normal guilt of divorce to force his father away from you.
Your avoidance of the stepson adds to the situation. By giving him time alone with his father while you are alone at home means the kid has won that round.
Ultimately he may rid himself of the stepmother of whom he is probably extremely jealous. It is emotional blackmail, but your husband is apparently helpless to defend himself against the guilt of it.
If you could stop avoiding the stepson and become actress enough to giggle and snuggle up to your husband like crazy when the stepson is around, it might not only drive him crazy with jealousy, but drive your husband crazy with desire, and the two of you could leave the stepson out in the cold next time.

Hey, it might be worth a try.
smile

[ March 26, 2005, 01:47 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

smile, i love the way you think. Great thoughts, but I still hate to see the stepson lose out, no matter how rotten he may be. Everyone needs their daddy.

Smile you may have hit on something here. My ex had a daughter only a few years younger than me who lived in Cal. she would visit 6 to 8 times a year. I always made sure to be with my husband when she was there because she was openly hostile (jealous) My ex knew there was friction but he was a REAL MAN and put me, his wife first in all ways all the time SO to try to reward him I went out of my way to be cordial and after a year of me, she came around and we became great friends whether he was there or not. I still blame the Diannes husband for not kindly letting his sons know that this is his choice, his wife and they will respect her. Dianne sounds like they have beat you and you've given in...

I don't think I've given in as much as detached since I didn't cause the problem, I'm not the solution.

If I told you what my stepson did to me you'd understand but I don't even want to go there. I will just say that he's caused the majority of problems in our marriage and also, because my husband hasn't addressed them. But, my husband has to live with the consequences.

This week end, David didn't once talk on his cell phone. Didn't even turn it on. Figure that one out. It might be because he didn't want his son to know he was in town. Whatever. Next time he comes to town he can visit his son. He's asked me to come to MN after I return from AZ, to help him find a new place to live as his lease is up. I think he's trying in the only way he knows how. I will give him credit for trying. I'm not completely cold. He's just a very unemotional man.

Dianne, so you had the whole weekend with your hubby? Do you think he wants you to help choose his next place because he wants you there with him?

Yep, the whole week end and he didn't make one phone call.

We talked about the need to be together more often. We just don't see each other very often and I think it's making both of us a little bitter and angry. Not to mention, resentful. However, once again, I didn't cause this but I'm trying to work on it.

One thing that worries me is when I'm there, what am I going to do with myself while he's at his office? Here, I work in my yard and that is something I love. Winter doesn't bother me but my friends are here so I'm afraid I'm going to be bored out of my mind. I can write but I don't like to be chained to a computer all day. Something to think about. At least I wouldn't be alone at night.

It sounds sort of like things are looking up, like maybe he means well but just doesn't have a clue. I a curious about something you've said more than once, its that he is just not an emotional man. What was he like before you married him, was he emotional then, has he changed, was he faking a different persona? See the man I married was a fraud from the get go, he was looking for a property owner with money and he picked me....Talk about an Oscar winning performance. I take my hat off to him for that, I was totally fooled. Were you?

There were never any emotional events for years. Not until his sons. So no, he wasn't pretending to be something he wasn't but then, I was looking for a man who didn't have problems and didn't want to talk problems to death, etc. Guess I got what I wanted!

His mind is business driven. Always has been and since I love business, we had a lot in common. I started noticing that it was always about him though. I don't think he can really go to an emotional level.

Dianne, are you considering moving there? I don't think you'd have any problem making new friends. Could you get a home with a garden there too? Having company at night sounds like fun.

We discussed it and decided it wouldn't be smart to sell our home here. It has increased in value by $100,000 in two years and our realtor said to hang onto it for a few more years and we'll make a ton. It's in a neighborhood that we both love, close to everything yet not in the middle of everything. We have wonderful neighbors and it's quiet. Don't think we'd find anything we liked as well and moving is so hard on furniture.

We're talking about me going there more often during the summer. Since my daughter is here with me, she can take care of my animals and I don't have to worry about anything.

I'm not shy so I'm sure I will make a few friends but then, I'm becoming the queen of recluse too so....