My lovely stepdaughter phoned her Dad on the 21st, his birthday at about 10:00 p.m. When I answered the phone it was so loud I could hardly hear "Lynn let me talk to my Dad".

I took the phone to John in the tub. John talked loudly ove the din of the bar where she was working for a short while, was cordial and they hung up. She is now working in a bar. Supposed to ba an art gallery with 3 showings this season. Hard to work in a gllery and a bar when bars don't close until 4:00 am there. Did not get clarity on this one.

I just went stopped at the mailbox, as Nathan was finishing up his inaugural ride on his new speed demon bike that Santa brought and there was a priority package for my husband from his daughter. This is the first time that has ever happended!! But am I being callous to think that she could have said "john and Nathan Kraus" on the label?

This really burns me. That poor kid would be on top of the world to get a package and then to get one for his sister.

Sister also asked her father to come to Key West for New Years since we have so many old friends there that want to see him! Only asked him. Nathan and I can go to you know where.

So for the big gripe. But I am about to set an ultimatum and a bit of advice wouldn't hurt right now.

Lynn

This comment from a person who's been called; mighty mouth may seem strange. But I would not even dignify her request with a comment, none, nada, nyett. I bet its a reaction from you she wants...Don't say anything to John pro or con and leave the decision up to him. Should be interesting to watch. If he asks your opinion, just say haven't given it any thought at all, how do you feel about it???? Point - match...

Thanks Chatty...

But I was thinking of the purging her from my system variety.

Finally letting it be known openly my distaste, Ok Hate. I really do not like that word. But I feel like after all these years, of keeping my mouth shut for the sake of the family that I now what to be openly hostile.

If she wants to call late at night, she can call on the business line. I no longer need to hear "Lynn get Dad for me". Screw it, get him herself.

I feel like I need to have a helthy hate. Does that make sense or am I acting against my very own principles? Right now I feel a healthy hate is a good purge.

Lynn

Is hate ever healthy? Seems like there can be a healthy expression of anger, even rage, but isn't hatred always destructive-especially for the one who holds it.

It sounds as if you and your step daughter are locked in something like the age old battle described by Sophocles in 400 B.C. He wrote about the conflicts of female children with their mother and male children with their father in his classic plays, "Electra" and "Oedipus." That innate competion probably escalates between step parents and same sex children.

I hope you can allow yourself to feel the anger you certainly deserve to feel and let it go without harboring hatred. Hate will only destroy you.
smile

Well said Smile. It is years of anger I wish to unleash. I don't like the word hate either. But I need to release this feeling of distaste and anger.

Thank you,

Lynn

Lynn,
I've had a few steps and I'm learning more about dealing with them every day. I have a darling step daughter now. She sent me the most wonderful Christmas card about how she loves having me for a friend.
I am more secure now and I have given up on the perfect step relationship. I don't even attempt mothering though I joke about it. And I refuse to enter into any competitive situations.

I think fear is the root cause of resentment between same sex steps. The step mother fears the daughter will disrupt the marriage and the step daughter fears the step mother will absorb all of her father's love. And all of that is complicated by that Freudian sex thing. No one can function in that situation because everyone is so fearful of losing the man thatn they both love. You and your son may later develop a very special relationship that will threaten John. If so, he may experience the same feelings though men often don't express them.

When I have felt hateful anger such as you describe, I have been able to difuse it and sometimes even replace it by facing up to it with humor.
It would take a lot of guts and you would have to get past the fear, but maybe next time the daughter asks to speak to her father, you could say something gutsy like, "Hey, I'm so glad you called. How is it going down there in Fla. or wherever? blah, blah, blah..." (You could probably come up with something better)
I would aim for things that cannot be answered with yes or no to get her talking and preferrably laughing. And every time she calls, just think up more to talk to her about, even tease her about. If she is paying, call her back. If she is sullen, just ask more questions and tease her. Talk as long as you want before putting your husband on the phone or don't put him on at all if you want, but tease her out of it. Hey, it's your phone and you are in control. Take it and use it.

Just some ideas. Humor is our friend. I wish I could use it more--and better.
smile

[ December 28, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Lynn, the thought that comes to mind is:

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

You are too good a person to steep to her hurtful ways.

Thanks for the tips Smile-Iwill take them to heart and Dotsie thatnk you for the faith. I really needed a friend with confidence in me.

Lynn

Lynn, any of us who have been on this site long enough to see the grace with which you have handled your husband's illness and the love you give to your son know you can handle about anything.
smile

Lynn, I've been wanting to reply because my heart feels for you, but I think the other women in here have been giving great advice so I don't have much to add except

HEADS UP!