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#69902 - 08/01/05 11:54 PM Re: Advice on relocating
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
SO, I could write a book on THE SON. I once had an opportunity to move to Gulf Shores and work but couldn't leave the son. I just knew he would perish. So I stayed. Now I have the opportunity to move home, fix up my Mother's "condo" style building in her backyard which has a loft studio screaming for a writer, and no can do. THE SON still lives at home. I'm sure that he will not be able to change the toliet paper roll if I leave. Do I understand your angst? You bet I do. Do I think you and I are hanging on to the cord? Well, I know I am. Your circumstances are different and I can see you wanting to get a warm fuzzy from the possible outcomes, but me? I'm pathetic. Wanting to walk thru fire for your children is not a bad thing...however, there comes a time when we just have to throw them in the water and say swim.

For the life of me, I can't seem to throw him.

JJ

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#69903 - 08/02/05 12:35 AM Re: Advice on relocating
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Wow, JJ, what a dilemma. My parents moved when I was a senior in high school, and left me with my grandmother. My parents did ASK if I wanted to go with them, but said I would have to get my own apartment immediately upon graduation. I finished high school, lived and worked with/for my grandmother, then went to my parents, promptly got an apartment of my own, and I sank, sank, sank deep into the depths of depression, then into the marriage of domestic violence. So, dear sweet parents, I applaud and respect you for acknowledging your childrens' needs, no matter how old they are, and waiting until the timing is better for the kids, too. On the other hand....how much should a parent sacrifice for their children? Is there a way to have both: move AND meet the needs of the children? Love and Light, Lynn

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#69904 - 08/02/05 02:13 AM Re: Advice on relocating
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Well, I guess I'm fortunate than some in that I don't look at it necessarily as a sacrifice. I guess I just naturally take on the role of protector. Its part of my persona...Dogs, cats, sons, anything but M-I-C-E. ick! eww! gag!

JJ

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#69905 - 08/02/05 02:44 AM Re: Advice on relocating
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
JJ,
If this is what YOU really want to do, I say GO.

And don't worry about leaving "the son" behind. You can't leave kids behind. Trust me, they follow you. If he needs you, no matter where you are, or what time it is, or how busy you are, or anything else, he'll be knocking on your door.

Trust me these kids are smart. You can run, but you can't hide. They'll find you.

smile

Actually I like mine around and they know I'm never going anywhere. Even the one whose husband moved her off to Texas is on the phone to a lot, and if she needs something, she hits the road to come up here. Motherhood is more than a life sentence. It lasts forever.

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#69906 - 08/02/05 04:50 PM Re: Advice on relocating
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Lynn, thanks for sharing the kid's perspective. That's helpful.

Georgia, how old is your son? That might help me share some advice. Perhaps your move is what he needs to begin making it on his own. Just a thought. Keep taling about this with us. We'll try to help you make the big decision.

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#69907 - 08/03/05 04:54 AM Re: Advice on relocating
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
When I left Vegas to move to DC my eldest son didn't want to go so he stayed behind. His brother was joining the Marines and he went along with me to join from DC. I made sure my eldest son knew my door was always open and if he needed ANYTHING at all not to hesitate to let me know. Luckily he had a good job and many friends and did quite well the 3 years I was gone. It is important I believe that our kids no matter what age know we are there for them. It keeps them from turning to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. When my boys were younger I took the opportunities offered and they had to move when I did, it all worked out fine...

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#69908 - 08/03/05 08:14 PM Re: Advice on relocating
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
Everyone has different circumstances and things they have gone through. And not one of us or our children can be fit into a 'cookie cutter' life. when I was 19 my mother started pushing me to get an apartment, it was the best thing for me--however I had a stable home life that I was coming from and knew that safety net would always be there.

In my son's case, he is starting over as much as I am. Mom & dad are split, dad has turned out to be a criminal (how much does that play on the mind of a boy who always looked up to dad?) long-term girlfriend dumped him. It's just going to take time to heal and find a new direction.

Some people need a push, some need time to find their own way. He has made a decision to return to college this fall and knows he wants to go into computer network administration--that's a lot farther than me--at 48 still trying to 'become' a writer who actually makes moeny at my trade.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! He just called to tell me he passed his entrance exam. He is now officially accepted into the college he chose. He's one step closer to his future. PTL!

JJ, I admire you for giving your son time. I admire any family that maintains an open door--I know some kids abuse it but it's a much colder, scarier and more dangerous world out there than when we were their age. Having a place of safety to retreat to isn't all bad. And it helps keep them from turning to the wrong people for advice and help.

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#69909 - 08/05/05 12:07 AM Re: Advice on relocating
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
starting over, congrats on your son's admission. ANother step in the right direction. Alleluia!

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#69910 - 10/19/05 12:54 AM Re: Advice on relocating
KateRyan2012 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/20/05
Posts: 16
Loc: Southeastern US
Just saw this thread and wanted to add my two cents. I'm not quite at the empty nest stage, but I'm getting close. My idea to counter "empty nest syndrome" is to leave the nest when my kids do! [Smile] They have plans to go off on their own when they graduate--one is looking at UCLA and one is looking at NYU--yep, we will be a bicoastal family for a while! Of course, things could change in the next few years, but this is what will probably happen. We have made several moves during their childhood, and they always adjusted well to wherever we were. We tried to carefully time the moves--birth to preschool, then moving before starting elementary school, then again before middle school, and again before high school. I grew up making several moves, too, and I have relatives scattered all over the country. There really isn't one "hometown" for any of us, at least not anymore. I raised them to know that "family roots" connect us to each other wherever we live, no matter how far away from each other. There isn't one place to go where we feel our "roots" are permanently planted. I love making a new home and new life in new places, and I would be bored staying in one place for more than about 5 years. My kids seem to feel the same way. I don't think that a "lack of roots" is neccessarily bad--I think my family loves to spread it's wings and fly instead of feeling tied down by roots. Everyone has their own feelings about this, but I know my kids and I are all preparing to fly off in our own directions. We love each other deeply, but we all are seeking different things out of life, and these things are found in vastly different places. OK--I also will fess up that I am not officially single, but I really am emotionally single. Let's just say that we have "stayed together for the children", but we are both about ready to go our own directions as well. Since our dreams of the future are so vastly different (he wants to retire and fish on the gulf coast and I want to move to New York and concentrate on my career goals)--there just is no way that we are going to make it. He would hate the life I am dreaming of making for myself, and vice versa. Honestly, we have been emotionally divorced for years. We try to keep the arguments to a minimum, but we have had the same conversation for years--we are nothing alike, we don't share any of the same beliefs and goals, we married very young and have truly grown in two different directions through the years (dare I say that I have grown and changed much more than him). Anyway, we succeeded in creating what seems like a "happy family", but we both are just dying to one day do our own thing--he's just a redneck outdoors type and I am ready to change from a SAHM to an urban career woman. We met when I was only 15, so of course I am not the same person now!! Yet, he's not all that different. SOOO--back to the subject of moving--soon-to-be-ex wants to go back to HIS original hometown in Alabama, I plan to move to New York, my daughter plans to attend college in New York, and my son plans to attend college in Los Angeles. So in a few years I guess we will be leaving our current family home and ALL of us will be "leaving the nest." I will admit that being near my daughter will be nice if we end up in New York together, but I sure will miss my son if he goes to the west coast. He seems determined though, and by that time I should be ready to watch him fly away and be on his own. I left home at a young age and never went back, although I did get married and wasn't truly alone. But I know many people who did go out on the own after high school graduation--some went into the military, some went to live at universities far from home, and others just went out to live in their own apartment. As hard as it is to let go, we are only hurting them if we try to "stunt their growth" by keeping them home with us when they really should be out on their own. Heck, mine are just like me and dying to go out on their own--even though I know they love me very much and wil miss me, I know that this is the way things should be. Maybe some people just have more of an independent streak than others. My brother is also over 40 and seems much less independent than I am about things. I know a 27 year old that still lives at home, and an 18 year old that just joined the army. Guess each person must decide when they are ready to leave the nest. I am glad my kids seemed to have inherited my feelings about this--they can be seen stretching their wings out often just dying for the day they can fly away--they look just like I did at that age!! I love them more than life itself and I will shed many tears when they do leave, but I won't cry for long because that will be my sign to get my wings ready to fly away, too! We ALL will leave the nest together!!

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#69911 - 10/19/05 09:36 PM Re: Advice on relocating
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
KateR,
I think we can all appreciate your views on the empty nest thing. THE SON has left (by his own choice) but I don't think I hampered his growth at all by not pushing him out of the nest. As Starting Over said, we are not all "cookie cutter" families.

I chose to let him make that decision for himself, and have always told my boys that as long as I have a home, they have a home. It wouldn't matter to me what age they were. I've also told my daughter-in-law the same thing.

Just as your love for your children is unconditional, mine is as well. That is what is so wonderful about a Mother's love... yes, there may be strings attached, but they become more and more invisible to the children as years go by...

If he moved back home tomorrow, so be it. I would welcome him. If he doesn't, that's okay too. As long as my children are happy, then Mamma's happy.

JJ

[ October 19, 2005, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

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