Hello, all,
Today while driving back from taking my mother to dinner for Mother's Day, I was meditating/praying for clarity in my thinking regarding relationships. I didn't expect any "revelations" but I have been divorced 8 years now, and have not had good experiences, I am doing some real soul-searching. Many of you have posted helpful responses to me in the first thread I posted about "He's Just Not That Into You.
While driving, after my prayer, the thought came to me "out of the blue," so to speak: "How much anxiety, self-doubt, worry and self-recrimination are justified in order to be in the company of a man and maintain a relationship with him?" The answer is so simple it sounds stupid, but it is NONE....NONE!!!!!
I think it was Dianne who had asked me to consider what my experiences have taught me about my own value to myself. Until today, I really couldn't even ponder that question. Although I am a graduate student in Fine Art, an accomplished artist, an art teacher, have a nice home, an adequate income, and the grandmother of beautiful redheaded twin toddler boys, I have still managed to let dysfunctional relationships drain me of my energy. Today, I think I came to the "crossroads!" I am going to print and plaster that message of "No anxiety is justified...NONE!!" around my house!
Thanks to all of you strong, positive women here for your helpful insights and examples.
ARI

Oh girl...I think you've hit on something big here. Keep going with it. The more you learn the more you'll realize you didn't know and it just keeps snowballing! Good for you!

Ari, journal about it. I bet you discover more. Keep us posted.

Dear Ariadne
I am so pleased for you. ENJOY YOU ARIADNE! The most important companion in your life is YOU! Then only beauty can be added to you and the right man will just arrive as if a gift from heaven. We are the mirrors of our surroundings and our relationships and within the heart of time our love for ourselves grows and blossoms and because of this our lives become filled with effervescence and grand surprises!

With love
Leigha

Thanks, Dianne...for asking me to think about things, and also, Dotsie, thanks for the suggestion of journaling. I will try to do that.
Leigha, it's a beautiful thought...the idea that a man will appear as a result of the positive aspirations you mention. I am skeptical, as you can imagine. For now, I am working on contentment alone!
Love to all,
ARI

Contentment alone! Perfect.

Why not take this time to reinvent yourself?

Liberate yourself from the expectations of men and others. Learn to please you! Find comfort in being you. Dig deep, explore, discover your passions, and run with them. Be determined to find happiness on your own by using your GOd given gifts.

Yes, Dotsie!
Contentment alone! I'm kinda excited about it!
I have registered for two summer graduate classes in the art dept. at Marshall Univ. in weaving and ceramics. I look forward to immersing myself in creating new work. Also, my home is a comfortable haven which I've taken great pains to create, and most of the time, I feel the presence of a man here would be an "intrusion" to my space, privacy, spiritual pursuits. I really have never met a man who could be an enhancement to that. So, now, I will run with it!
ARI

How long has it been since you've done weaving or ceramics. Is this something you're going back to, or a new passion.

I look forward to taking some fun classes when my nest is empty.

Hey, Dotsie,
Well, my nest is definitely empty!
I have taken classes in weaving before and, in fact, I have two looms here at home, but I hope to expand my creativity toward three dimesional works incorporating mixed media with wire and even crochet into fiber art. (The thread on crochet here on Boomer has really opened up a lot of ideas as I've searched the Internet for "Freeform crochet" and wire crochet.
In Ceramics, I have NO experience, so I am hoping the instructor can put up with my ignorance!
ARI

Ariadne, I can attest to the great advice given by these great women here, especially in this 'Singlehood' department. Trust me, I've posted some serious inner soul search responses on this matter too.

After reading many many posts on loving YOU first and posts the like, I finally found a bit of comfort. Occassionally that looney lonely feeling reappears and I need another boost of reality checking.

As recent as yesterday evening, I entertained a great man. He'd invited me to several functions. I posted them here, actually, that I felt inadequate around the attendee's of this great man's function. Well, we've maintained a friendship since then.

For the last few days we've been chatting outside of the business box. That inadequate feeling came back when he asked 'ME' out. I wondered what he'd want with little ole' me vs. all of the women that are on his business level, especially those making it clear their availability.

He picked me up and I was so nervous, afraid I'd say something silly since I was feeling awkward and all of those self-doubty type issues I've adopted being single for so long (and other stuff too).

I recalled what these great ladies said the last time I posted my feelings and my muse, wittiness and conversation flowed smoothly.

It's not so bad when you realize that YOU are the on to love first. I can decline his advances. Actually, I want to decline because there are a few things that I need to work on before I can give me to he:)

Like most of them say here, "You'll know when Mr. Right is presence."

When single, I had the tendency to intimidate men. Probably because I never let them intimidate me! I'm not bashful, not afraid, but not loud or boastful either. I was just happy to be out with someone that I liked and was there to have fun. Meeting new people (men) can be an adventure because they all have such different jobs and hobbies so you learn a lot!

Hmm...Sugaree and Dianne...these are interesting ideas you are putting forth.
Sugaree...I hope your contact with this new fella proves satisfactory to you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you're about!!!! An inspiration. I hope it works out for you.
Dianne, you sound like me! Neither am I loud or boastful, but I do seem to intimidate men. Oh, well, that's their problem. For now, I am not inclined to be in the company of any man! I think it is worthwhile to pursue serenity, peace of mind. For 20+ years of marriage I wanted that. Now, in 8 years of singlehood, I have wasted a lot of energy on dating and dysfunctional relationships. Time to reassess and take stock of where my priorities lie. As I stated in my initial posting here on this thread..."How much anxiety, self-doubt, self-recrimination, nervousness is justified in order to maintain a relationship with a man...NONE!! NONE!!!
ARI

He may be a good catch since he's a CEO of a fairly large co. here. I love his style. He's a keynote speaker as well. He's got so much going is why I feel small around him. Maybe he's the type that wants/needs someone that isn't as smart so that he wont be intimidating. In past relationships I've heard (in so many words) that I'm intimidating which equals elimidating. That's a good thing though.

If a man wants a dummy, he will certainly find one because there are many out there.

You say that you've wasted time and energy on dating....maybe not. I guess every lesson in life is for a reason. Now you can enjoy your visits with you a bit better since you know what's out there. You can be a bit more content.

Hey, when you find this content stuff, tell me what it feels like, ok? LOL-just kidding. It has its moments, like anything else.

I'm listening in on this conversation. Ari, congratulations on your epiphany! It's wonderful when revelations came come from grief because then it becomes growth! I recall that men were intimidated by intelligence, yet I was always so stupid as to pick these men! I recall long nights of lonliness, yet the desire for solitude. The lonliness was not so much for a man or a friend, but for my SELF. I was lonely for my own self. Where was I? Once I started to spend more time with my spirit, I became less likely to seek companionship with others. We are so complex! When I met my husband, I told him I'd been married before, and I would never get married again. Famous last words: We have been married since 1988. Many women are married and lonely, and a man can't always fill that lonliness. Nor would I expect him to. Love and Light, Lynn

Got this quote in my email today and thought I'd share it in this forum.

"Honor your total self. Life becomes meaningful and your purpose more clear when you come from a place of wholeness."

Dr. Bernie Seigel

Let's keep digging into our inner selves so we can create more beautiful outer selves. Beauty comes from within. Let's hear it for a more beautiful midlife!

[ May 12, 2005, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

You couldn't have found a better post for this occassion! Kudos to Dr. Seigel for publishing his thoughts and you finding at least one of them!

Thanks sugaree. I loved it too.

Super Sugar and something all can benefit from...