Site Links










Top Posters
Dotsie 23647
chatty lady 20267
jawjaw 12025
jabber 10032
Dianne 6123
Latest Photos
car
Useable gifts!
Winter wonderland/fantasy for real
The Soap lady meets the Senator
baby chicks
Angel
Quilted Christmas Stocking
Latest Quilt
Shelter from the storm
A new life
Who's Online
0 Registered (), 177 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
3239 Members
63 Forums
16332 Topics
210704 Posts

Max Online: 409 @ 01/17/20 03:33 AM
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 ... 9 10 >
Topic Options
#69420 - 01/03/05 09:13 PM he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I read this book last week and loved it. I HIGHLY recommend it to all the single women out there. It's a quick read and it's full of wisdom!

Check it out at Amazon.

Top
#69422 - 01/05/05 06:18 PM Re: he's just not that into you
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
OK, which one of us is going to write, "But I'm Just Not That Into HIM" ?

Top
#69423 - 01/05/05 06:54 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Didn't someone write something like that, or am I dreaming. I think someone wrote a reply already, but I could be mistaken. If not, I bet it would be a hot book. This book was number three last week. Isn't that unbelievable?

Top
#69424 - 01/06/05 05:46 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
OMG! I must purchase this for this poor single woman that I had the misfortune of watching her very last drop of dignity float down sh*t creek!

I didn't have major plans for New Years so I agreed to take a short trip with a 'friend' I'd known for quite some time. I thought it strange that she wanted to travel from Milwaukee to Mississippi to pick this man up to bring him back here, but, it really wasn't my business the circumstances. Right? Well, unless she volunteered them in which she did.

She said that they'd been best friends for years and had made plans to take this relationship to another level since they were so much alike. Fine. Right? It happens.

Well, the perk in making this long trip or disperate trip was that I'd be close to some relatives, namely my 98 year old grandpa. I rested in the hotel as this woman hunted the man that she called her bestfriend turned lover down. Yep! You got it! He was no where to be found upon our arrival. I couldn't stand to watch and she didn't invite me as she plead with people to show her how to get to his house which was situated down some long dirt country road.

I heard her pleading with him, leaving voice messages to pick up the phone... Well, she finally found him. He came to the hotel. He was distant but with a few New Years drinks that we had in the room, he loosened up. Boy oh boy did he ever.

He flat out told her that she should have let him be the one to make that move...the one that traveled miles to her. He told her that he wasn't sure if he would/could deal with a woman so forthright (short of saying the desperate word).

She was grouchy on the way back up that long road yet still made excuses for his behavior. When I flat out told her, "he's not into you like you are him," she even justified that. Maybe this book will help her.

Happy New Year!

Top
#69425 - 01/07/05 08:58 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sugaree, forgive me. I must live a dull life according to some people, but I love it. I think I would have been totally freaked out in a hotel room with a strange man who was drinking. Weren't you scared? I was just reading about it. I probably sound like you mother, but I'm glad you made it home! [Wink]

Top
#69426 - 01/06/05 10:43 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Kathryn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/02
Posts: 317
Loc: Towson
The author of that book was on Oprah during the holiday season. I almost never see O but caught this episode. The guy was engaging women in the audience to tell their tales and he would respond from the guy perspective. it was interesting but made me want to throw a brick through the tv and bean the guy!

Top
#69427 - 01/07/05 12:31 AM Re: he's just not that into you
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Not me. I wanted to bean the idiotic women. They seemed Dependent to the point of delusion.
I couldn't believe they were hanging onto the idea that some guy was 'into' them who hadn't called for weeks, called only at the end of the evening, or only asked them out only during the week, or some other idiotic thing.
I thought the guy was therapeutic. He told them to get on with their lives and forget the guy. Seemed like great advice to me. But then I'm weird.
smile

Top
#69428 - 04/04/05 06:23 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello,
I am new here; just joining this site!
I have read many of the posted comments, and feel I, with my recent attempt at a relationship, after three years of abstinence, would benefit from you feedback. I won't burden you all with the details, except that I am 54, divoced 8 years, and having repeated disastrous atttempts at relationship.
I hope to post my most recent experience at this and get your helpful and insightful feedback, which I am MUCH in need of at this time!
Ariadne54

Top
#69429 - 04/04/05 06:35 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Adriadne, welcome! Post away and we'll do our best to share our wisdom. Looking forward to yur next post!

Top
#69430 - 04/05/05 12:51 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello, Dotsie, and thank you. I found this forum by searching for "He's Not That Into You Forum" and you popped up. I spent much of the weekend reading the posts, which were very appropriate to my situation.
I will share my story in increments, but for now, I just wanted to thank you for this site and the benefits to people like me. Oh...incidentally, I'm 54, divorced 8 years.
A

Top
#69431 - 04/05/05 02:29 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Okay, here's my story...After three years of consciously deciding not to date..period, after a disastrous relationgship with a Narcissist, I finally felt recovered enough to put myself "out there." I teach middle school art and live in a small town so the opportunities for meeting men are nil. I put my profile on Yahoo Personals and this one man responded who interested me. He has a Ph.D. in Psychology, an engineering degree, and is an accomplished musician with a music studio in his house. I was "smitten" from the start. By the second date, we had become sexual, and this is after three years of my having nary a "sexual" thought, abstaining from all contact with men. We have had only 4 or 5 "dares," during a brief 2 month period. He lives 2 hours from me, so the time together was precious to me. Here is how it evolved: At first, I was hearing "endearment," like calling me "cutiepie" and "sweetheart." As time progressed, however, that ceased, my emails went unanswered, and I was never sure if or when he would call. My anxiety began to develop. I don't seem to be able to separate the sexual from the emotional and told him this. His responses have been very "clinical" in nature, like, asking me "Are you afraid of having your heart broken?" to which I answered, "Well, YES!!!" He has never given me the comfort or reassurance I need. His emails have stopped entirely, and this has been hurtful. Our phone conversations seem to evolve around the sexual, and I find myself agreeing to it! I haven't seen him now for three weeks, but our last visit involved me driving to HIS location thru a snowstorm, since he didn't want to drive his BMW in it, and his truck was a "gashog." I so wanted to see him, that I braved the drive, passing a terrible wreck with bodies strewn out on the Interstate median. On the Sunday morning of our last intimate weekend together, I got up to leave, and there had been a heavy snowstorm the night before. He remained in his gym shorts and tee shirt, playing games on his computer, while I went out and cleaned the snow off my car. When I arrived home safely, I emailed him that I was home....No reply. I also had told my mother that morning, during a phone call, that I was seeing someone. She is elderly and worries about me, and I emaile him about that also...No reply. No phone call either.

His nonresponse and apparent indifference created a lot of anxiety in me, since I felt I was falling in love with him. I told him all of this, and his response, via email, was that he was not "in love" with me. I was a crying lump for that whole weekend. During one phone call from him, I couldn't even talk for crying.

As a result of all of this, we have refrained from seeing each other now for 3 weeks. We have talked on the phone with the agreement to continue seeing each other, but I sent him an upbeat email mid last week to which he didn't respond. After a couple of days, I became angry at this!

During our sexual times together, which we both enjoyed physically, and I have been unable to reach a sexual climax for almost 15 year, but did with HIM!!, there have been no loving endearments coming from him, and my comments to him, like "You're precious," have been met with silence.

My last email, of mid last week, in which I was upbeat and positve, also went unanswered, which created more anxiety, resulting in my sending him an email entitled "Casting pearls before swine," and the only text being, "What gives?"

I have felt that my anxiety drove him away, but at the same time I think HE created it!

Your thoughts...Let me have it!!!
A

Top
#69432 - 04/05/05 02:36 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh girl. Listen to me. You gotta stop emailing and calling him now and forever. He's given you a clear indication that he's not interested and you have to just let him go. Silence is an answer.

He used you but then, you seemed to enjoy it so just let it go as a sexual fling. Don't beat up on yourself for this, just learn from it. What lesson do you need to learn because of this should be your question.

Don't chase a man who is acting this way. It will only make it worse on you. Pick up your shoes and walk away with dignity.

Top
#69433 - 04/05/05 03:00 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Dianne,
I am HEARING you!!! Thank you for the response!
I do expect that he will eventually call me. I am wondering if I should answer the phone?
Also, I have just read the book, "Not Into You," and it resounds in my thoughts that a man who really cares would be EAGER to communicate with me!, would be forthcoming and resassuring in his communication, either by email or phone calls, which he has NOT been.
A

Top
#69434 - 04/05/05 04:34 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Oh, Chatty, I hear you!!! I so appreciate your very blunt asssessment of what I'm doing! This man has kept me dangling with just enough...but not enough! I am an educated woman, and I know better...I do!!!

During our last visit (the snowstorm), he gave me his guitar to play. I brought it home. Now I have it, and don't know how to handle it. One of my other friends says, "Keep the damn guitar!" Certainly my self respect is worth more than a material object, so I am just waiting to see how he wants to retrieve it. I am thinking it would be best to leave it outside for him to pick up!...without me being home.

I felt I was "in love" with this man. He made it clear he was not in love with me...only feeling "concern" in the clinical sense.

I know I have to feel the pain of this and move on. It's just so hard!
A

Top
#69435 - 04/05/05 06:03 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hello Ari, and welcome. Well, we got right into the crux of the matter, didn't we? Hmm, how can we help? Of course you crave physical contact. I was celibate for 7 years between the thug that married me and my next encounter, who is now my husband since 1988. Ari, you have been mistreated. You put him before your very life, risking losing yourself in a snow storm. Evidently, his BMW was more important to him than you. But you might consider how important you are to your SELF. Please don't risk your SELF by getting in any deeper with this jerk. He is a jerk. My husband, when he was my boyfriend, would not only have scraped the snow from my car, but followed me home to make sure I was safe. Oh, instead of going to the computer, he would make me pancakes. Ari, you can tend to your sexual needs via a vibrator (Toys in Babeland.com). I'm sorry if this sounds too blunt. Don't throw tomatoes at the featured author! I am sincerely trying to help. Who cares about his guitar? Keep it, and take some lessons. Please listen to your intuition that is telling you something aint right! Listen to your new found girlfriends, because I think we have all been through the wringer of a wet noodle disguised as a man. Love and Light, Lynn

Top
#69436 - 04/05/05 06:08 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Dotsie, yes, a "dull" life as you put it is so much better than putting ourselves in danger. I would have been nervous too with a drinking stranger in a hotel room. Sugar, what was the end result for your friend? LLL

Top
#69437 - 04/05/05 06:16 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello again and thank you all for your valuable insights and opinions. It has been confusing to me to see the situation for what it is.....sometimes telling myself it's not as bad as I'm thinking, but in typing my story down, and getting your feedback, it seems it is truly bad!!!! From the time of our second date, in which we became sexual (I was swept off my feet!!), I have felt growing anxiety, expressed that timidly to him, getting no comfort from him, and feeling responsible for driving him away!!!! So....rather than beat myself up about this...I am trying to remember what the "INTO YOU" book said: "If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight (in my case not fight, but anxiety), then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs."

I am also going to print and read and re-read all of your helpful comments.
ARI

Top
#69438 - 04/06/05 07:28 AM Re: he's just not that into you
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
ariadne, welcome and congratulations for pouring your heart out, seeking advice and assessing your situation. You have chosen the right way to handle it. The most difficult time may come when he wants his guitar back and you think "I will see him just one more time." Leave it on the porch girl, right next to your "garbage can."
A beautiful life / relationship awaits you, one that is stress free, loving and genuine. And who deserves that more than you?


chickadee

Top
#69439 - 04/06/05 07:53 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Ari, I'm grateful you were brave enough to pour out your heart in search of advice.

I believe you get the message loud and clear.

Please do not see him when he comes searching for his guitar. It will probably be at time when he is in a lull with another women, and you don't want that.

I pray you will surround yourself with positive people who can uplift you during this difficult time. Why don't you make plans with a couple girlfriends for this weekend? Occupy your mind so you don't beat yourself up...and move on having learned you are worthy of receiving love and not just giving it away.

Top
#69440 - 04/05/05 10:10 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think you earned the right to keep that guitar. Paid for by your heart.

Honey, it seems to me that you might be planning when he shows up, calls or emails. You might have crossed the line into obsession. It happens all the time. Maybe you should just stop thinking about him and move on. He was a mistake, a lesson that needed to be learned. There are a lot of nice men out there who would treat you the way you deserve but you won't find them if your mind and heart are still waiting for this jerk. And, he is a jerk to have treated you this way.

Top
#69441 - 04/05/05 10:58 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Yes, Diane!!! That was my next question...what would all of you advise re/answering or not answering emails or phone calls. And, yes, I do think I have been obsessed with this man. He is a Ph.D. in Psychology and knows how to give just enough positive reinforcement to get a woman hooked....never constant, or reliable, but intermittent -- the most addictive kind. The same with talking to him on the phone -- I always found myself talking too much, explaining too much, accommodating too much, with his manner of questioning me, particularly about my anxiety, thus, making me even more anxious.
Okay...Dianne thinks I've earned he rights to the guitar, and I will certainly not contact him! The INTO YOU book says "cut him off!!" I think that may be best...Despite how obsessed I have been, I DO NOT want to see this man or be in his presence for even a few minutes. I have been humiliated and further contact only enhances that...I know this.
Also, I am returning to my spiritual base, my church, which I have ignored while with this man who believes in "nothing" (his word).
Thanks again all of you!
Ari

Top
#69442 - 04/07/05 07:15 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I wouldn't answer any phone calls or emails. Let him wonder whats changed about the way you felt. Usually this type of man only wants a woman he thinks he can't have and the minute he pulls you back into his web, he's gone again.

Ask yourself what he might have to say that is so important or life changing? Wanting his guitar back is not an option! I know you will probably be really tempted to answer the phone if you see his name on your caller ID but you will get back a lot of your personal power if you refuse to answer. Do it for yourself!

Top
#69443 - 04/06/05 08:02 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
YES!!! Dianne!~
for reminding me WHY I should not answer communications from this man, email or phone...BECAUSE (and I'm going to remember this! Dianne!), I will get back some of my personal power and lost self-respect by doing so!!!!
Thank you for reminding me of this!
ARI

Top
#69444 - 04/06/05 08:11 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Ari, you typed...

Also, I am returning to my spiritual base, my church, which I have ignored while with this man who believes in "nothing" (his word).

This is great news. You know you wouldn't want to settle with a man who believes in nothing. Go to church and feel the blessing of His love and grace. He has better days in store for you. Take time to listen and see what that may be.

Top
#69445 - 04/06/05 09:37 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hi, and thank you, Smile,
I have been divorced 8 years now, and was never hurt by the ending of my marriage...wanting out of it for most of the 20 year duration. The Ph.D. fella, however, may more accurately fit the category you have described: divorced one year, and not having dated seriously till me (well, sexually anyway). He has never spoken his ex-wife's name, and refers to her bitterly, though I noticed he still has pictures of her in his photo collections of family, friends, etc.
Oh, whatever, I have to take the good advice here and walk away with my few scraps of dignity, and try to grow a new crop of self-respect! Also, as Dotsie says, "Go to church and feel his love and grace." I DO feel that when I am in my church, and have experienced in my past that focusing on this can make the relationship disasters become insignificant by comparison to the amazing love and benefits of seeking spiritual guidance...So...that's how I hope to heal.
ARI

Top
#69446 - 04/06/05 11:59 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I'm going to disagree with Smile on one issue. With this kind of man, mailing his guitar to him will mean you are looking for a crack in his armor. Searching for a possible opening to talk to him again. Don't do it. If he wants his guitar let him email you about it and then, mail it to him with no response but don't do it on your own. Men like this don't think like normal people.

Top
#69447 - 04/07/05 12:40 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Dianne,
I am thinking you are correct! I've spent the last three years recovering from a disastrous relationship with a textbook Narcissist. He loved to talk about himself, incessantly, especially after sex! If I tried to interject anything off the subject of HIM, he would wait impatiently for me to finish, so he could resume his monologue. I nearly lost everything...my home...because of him. He left me feeling suicidal, questioning my judgment and ability to discern what was good in a man.. This new man, the Ph.D. in Psychology, during our last visit (the snowstorm when I drove 2 hours to his location), after lovemaking in the evening, instead of cuddling and sharing, we went immediately to his living room, where he sat rocking back and forth talking about himself for an HOUR!!! telling "funny" stories of how he had, in his youth, pretended to be psychotic or suicidal to fool people. It felt eerily similar to the Narcissist! I laughed at his stories, but afterward, I kept thinking, under what circumstances, especially after lovemaking, would I EVER talk about myself for an HOUR????
ARI

Top
#69448 - 04/07/05 01:15 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
On the matter of the guitar, I do not have his mailing address...and I will NOT email him requesting it...That would just look like I seek more communication with him. If he emails or calls suggesting the matter of the guitar, I can then get his address...or leave it out by the trashcans, and has been suggested!

On the matter of answering emails or phone calls, I am loathe to do that also, knowing how skillful he is at communication and how I seem to "come around" to his way of thinking. I recognized early on that I was "obsessing" about this man, and knew my reactions were unhealthy. Hearing him say he was not "in love" with me left me a weeping lump for a whole weekend. I haven't done that ever, EVER, in I don't know when, and at my age, 54, it takes a great toll.


As the book "NOT INTO YOU" says, if he makes you feel bad about yourself (and I have felt seriously flawed in all of this), if he disappoints you, or , even worse, makes you CRY!!!, then that is really bad. I think the wisest thing to do now is "cut him off" completely as the book also says.

At the same time, I am dealing with intense "withdrawal" from this man, who had become an "addiction" to me...I admit it! Perhaps it is like Smile says, but not because of a mourning of my marriage, but because of my extended time alone, and feeling I was better off alone and would never, ever meet another man to whom I was attracted, especially at my age. I have always felt there is nothing more "pitiful" than an over-50 woman making a fool of herself, and that is what I feel I have done.

ARI

Top
#69449 - 04/07/05 01:36 AM Re: he's just not that into you
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
quote:
Originally posted by ariadne54:
I have always felt there is nothing more "pitiful" than an over-50 woman making a fool of herself, and that is what I feel I have done.

ARI

Nope. Not quite. If you had continued, then maybe so, but you didn't. You reached out to your girlfriends for help and advice in sorting out your feelings and actions. That's not foolish, that's wise. JMHO

Top
#69450 - 04/07/05 01:44 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you, Unique!!!!
Yeah, I feel emotionally battered at this time, but at the same time, feeling I brought it on myself! So reckless.
ARI

Top
#69451 - 04/07/05 01:45 AM Re: he's just not that into you
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Ok, that's enough beating up on yourself, aria. You have come a long way in a short time. It didn't take you long to catch on and DO something about it. Many women go on like this forever. "YOU" read the book, searched for advice, made decisions based on all that and have come to the conclusion that "you're just not that into him" anymore. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take a look at yourself in the mirror. While you're there pat yourself on the back and smile, smile, smile. You are no fool! You are one wise gal!
As for the dang guitar? If he contacts you put it on the porch, if not...then I guess neither of you will be played by him again. [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin]

Top
#69452 - 04/07/05 01:56 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
That is so good to hear, Smile...I am happy for you!
ARI

Top
#69453 - 04/07/05 01:58 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Chickadee...(I call my students "chickadees!"..
Okay, I will try to stop beating myself up!!!
ARI

Top
#69454 - 04/07/05 02:13 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
An elderly man gave me very wise advice once. He said that when we come out of a marriage or relationship and begin dating, we have the tendency to take everything too seriously...like a fling for instance. We have to learn to sit back, enjoy the glorious women we are and wait for that special someone who will worship at our feet.

Top
#69455 - 04/07/05 02:23 AM Re: he's just not that into you
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
quote:
Originally posted by ariadne54:

Yeah, I feel emotionally battered at this time, but at the same time, feeling I brought it on myself! So reckless.
ARI

I understand the emotionally battered part. I'm still recovering from that myself. But you didn't "bring it on" yourself. You engaged in a realtionship in good faith - that it would be positive for both of you. You didn't renege - he did. If he 'wasn't that into you' he really did have an obligation to tell you so right from jump street - not to watch you go deeper and deeper and make you dance like a puppet on a string. It sounds like that's his game. I've found that people who are really experts in psychology are the best string pullers and have the worst relationships. Not always...just that I've seen some real disfunctional people with Psych PhD's. And you have to wonder about the motivation behind their actions. You didn't ask the Universe, 'Hey, send me a real psycho winner this time to see if I'm up to it.' No one (well, almost no one) asks for a train wreck.

Top
#69456 - 04/07/05 02:28 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you both, Dianne and Smile, for your helpful feedback... No doubt, I will re-read all your comments many times!
ARI

Top
#69457 - 04/07/05 02:47 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Also, I would like to add here that this man, the Ph.D., wrote me a 13 page initial letter of introduction to himself!!! I viewed that with skepticism from the start. It seemed more like one of those Christmas newsletters, which people send out at the holidays, to all their friends and relations. Who writes a 13 page letter of introduction???? I think it is something he has stored on his computer for various potential women.
ARI

Top
#69458 - 04/07/05 02:50 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Also, regarding the letter of introduction...to this day, I haven't read it all!
ARI

Top
#69459 - 04/07/05 04:27 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thanks, Chatty...a "sicko"....LOL.
I love the animal rescue site and the best friends, by the way. I have two pets I rescued, and one I bought for $1,000, which would have likely ended up in a puppy mill.
Love,
ARI!!!

Top
#69460 - 04/07/05 07:57 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Ari, Mr. PH.D was "telling "funny" stories of how he had, in his youth, pretended to be psychotic or suicidal to fool people" My goodness, that is sick! He obviously needed attention, and went about it in the wrong way. This is the stupidest ph.d I ever heard of. If he was capable of manipulating people with his pretenses as a youth, imagine how much more capable he is now, after so many more years of practice. He is so consumed with himself.

Top
#69461 - 04/08/05 01:52 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hi, Unique, and all of you..
I didn't mean to ignore your message, Unique!
Yes, I think I went into this in good faith, and have really beaten myself up with it.
On a positive note, I woke up last night around 4:00 a.m. with a moment of clarity...seeing some of the things with this man which have transpired, and thinking,"That's not right!!!"
Also, I haven't mentioned this, but he is unemployed, going to school still, taking a class in physics. He quit his job, a high-paying one two years ago, and his wife gave him his "walking papers" (his words), saying she didn't want to "keep him in his old age." I, in my accommodating nature, have been very careful not to impose on him financially. He even responded to my profile on Yahoo because I gave my ID connection on EBay, from which we then began to get to know each other!
It is over three weeks now since I've seen this man in person, and I am just hoping that my healing and clear thinking will continue.
I plan to go to church on Sunday also.
ARI

Top
#69462 - 04/08/05 02:17 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think his ex wife had the right idea.

Top
#69463 - 04/08/05 02:19 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thanks, Dianne!!!
Ari

Top
#69464 - 04/08/05 01:08 PM Re: he's just not that into you
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Hi Ariadne, I'm a "regular" in here who's been kinda busy this week, so I couldn't comment earlier. Welcome!

About the guitar thing:
If you have to find an approropriate box to mail it, pack the damn thing so it won't break, take it to the post office and pay for shipping costs, by my expert math skills that's at least four more hoops you just jumped through for this jerk.

I'd send him an email telling him he has one week to pick it up, you'll leave it on the porch, and after that, it's getting donated to a local shelter or childrens' home. (Choose somewhere specific.)

Then donate it. You really don't want it hanging around to remind you of him. Getting rid of it will also bring some closure to you: just think of it as getting rid of him.

Top
#69465 - 04/08/05 05:22 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hi, Meredith, and thank you!
I do not want to contact him even by email regarding the guitar. Firstly, I still feel too vulnerable and I'm not even sure what my own motivations would be in sending him such a message. I think if he wants the guitar, he should contact me, which he probably will, eventually, and then I can leave it outside for him, and NOT be there when he arrives.
ARI

Top
#69466 - 04/08/05 05:50 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Yeah, check that motivation thing because it's important. I wrote about this in my book. Gathering all the pictures of my about to be ex and I together and putting them in a shoebox and leaving them at his doorstep. On the way to the car, I realized what I was doing and threw the box into the trash bin. I was trying to keep him hooked, make him feel bad and get a response from him because any response, good or bad, was better than no response! I needed to know that this man who beat me, still cared. Screwy!

I think that it's good you're working through this on this site with the help available. That's a good way to get over it and him. Talk it out and vent until the feelings are gone. It works and we're here for you!

Top
#69467 - 04/08/05 05:59 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thanks, Dianne,
I know I'm not really well mentally, as I keep checking my emails to see if he has written, and looking at my caller ID to see if he has called. I felt really bad because my expressions of anxiety and concern about the sexual part of the relationship seemed to drive him further and further away. I even tried to remain "upbeat" about it, masking my anxiety till it overwhelmed me. In pondering all of this, I believe a good man would have responded to my concerns with reassuring comments, making me feel safe, instead of moving further away and being emotionally remote and unavailable. I am still crawling out of the emotionally humiliating abyss from all of this, but seeing a glimmer of light now, especially since I found this forum.
ARI

Top
#69468 - 04/08/05 06:06 PM Re: he's just not that into you
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
quote:
Originally posted by ariadne54:

I know I'm not really well mentally,
ARI

Ari,
If you're not well mentally - - it's because you caught a sickness from him!! Think of it as a bad cold. They go away eventually, but sometimes it takes a while. They seem to linger forever til one day you say, 'Hey! No more symptoms!' You're ok, girl. You just have a virus. Just think, you'll have better immunity for the next virus you come across!!
<happy thoughts>

Top
#69469 - 04/08/05 06:21 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thanks, Unique,
I can't wait to be "over" this virus!
Life is so precious, and the amount of effort and energy to get past this is truly draining to me, requiring constant mental work, reminding myself he was "not into me."
ARI

Top
#69470 - 04/09/05 07:06 AM Post deleted by Dotsie
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland

Top
#69471 - 04/09/05 07:18 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thanks, LUVS!
Yes, the B.O.B. would not give me ANY anxiety!!!
Initally, I think I was viewing the possession of the guitar as a link to eventual contact. Now, it is becoming a non-issue.
I think you have a valid point about confusing my sexual response for love. I had isolated myself in solitude and celibacy for three years, and never thought I could have such a response ever again! He probably diagnosed my vulnerability in that area early on !
ARI

Top
#69472 - 04/09/05 06:16 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hi, Chatty, You are right.
I spent part of my afternoon looking at Bestfriends.org! It was so therapeutic to be thinking about something besides the Ph.D. in Disastrous Relationships.
I am thinking a good thing for me to do right now is to volunteer at our local animal shelter!
Love,
ARI

Top
#69473 - 04/09/05 06:45 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Ariadne, you are indeed mentally well! You have reached out for help here, and you are receiving it with all the love and light intended toward you. Someone not as mentally healthy would not have reached out, and would not have accepted the objectivity of friends. Plus, your inner self is propelling you to wellness, evidenced by revelations coming to you in the middle of the night! Thank God you were not sucked further into the pond scum of the car loving, guitar strumming, class taking, unemployed loser! Yeah! You are the winner! LLL

Top
#69474 - 04/10/05 10:20 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello, again...All of your posts are my lifeline to sanity right now. I just spent a half hour re-reading all of them because I was feeling weak and vulnerable, and even considering emailing or calling this man.
I couldn't sleep last night, and kept looking at the clock, until around 5 a.m. I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours. But during that time of trying to drift off, a revelation came to me. My first sexual relationship, at age 21, while in college, was with a man who behaved very much like this Ph.D. fella. Because it was my first experience with sexual intimacy, in which I held on much much longer that I should have till I was imagining stabbing myself in the chest with knives!, and accepting the emotional abuse from this man, I was traumatized by it. In the years since, thru a 20 year marriage, and several attempts at relationships since my divorce, I have realized what I SHOULD have done in that first painful experience...WALK AWAY...early on, rather than continue to be the doormat.
Waking from attempted sleep with this realization in the middle of last night, I recognized that this recent experience with the Ph.D., with the eery similarities to that first sexual experience, can be a closure for me...IF I turn my back on it now...PERIOD! I have visualized over the many years how I SHOULD have behaved with that first emotional/sexual abuser. Now is my chance to finally, at age 54, do so.
I recognize that I am not well yet, but I also have past relationships which took lots of energy to recover from, and for those men I feel NOTHING!!!, so I know that in time, it will be the same with this one.
Thanks so much to all of you who responded so caringly to my plight. I am going to do as Chatty has suggested, and try to give feedback to other discussions on this site, moving away from obsessing about myself.
ARI

Top
#69475 - 04/11/05 12:05 AM Re: he's just not that into you
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
Hang in there Ari. Good things are worth waiting for.

Top
#69476 - 04/11/05 02:34 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Ari, I was shocked when I read what you wrote: "till I was imagining stabbing myself in the chest with knives!" because I write that almost word for word in my book. In other words, I can relate to the feeling. We are trying to get at the pain, only the pain was inflicted upon us by these awful men! You are well enought to recognize these patterns in regards to abusive men. That's a good thing. A revelation woke you up which is great for your personal growth. Yes, hang in there! This is a growth experience, and you are dong great! Love and Light, Lynn

Top
#69477 - 04/11/05 03:25 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Yes, Lynn, I read that passage in your book, and recognized it was what I too was feeling/visualizing. Feeling such emotional pain and visualizing stabbing yourself in the heart should be ENOUGH for any sane person to realize that the man causing it is TOXIC for her!!!
I am looking so forward to the day when, HEY, I don't feel anything for this man, or think of him at all. I know this will happen; it just takes so damn long!
I also think as we get older, our emotional scars take longer to heal, just as with the physical wounds which heal much quicker when we are young. Being older, also, and haveing a firm foundation of values, I take things much more seriously, expect people to behave as I am behaving, treating them with respect and kindness.... Doesn't seem to work that way, HUH!
ARI

Top
#69478 - 04/11/05 06:03 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
You had a huge revelation! I was going to suggest that maybe you should go back into your past and compare this loser with some other man. I did this...with my father. Hmmm. It's amazing because trying to work through an old bad relationship with another person brings on the obsessive thinking and thoughts. I did it too so I understand and it isn't all that easy to get over but I do know that you can with effort and time and girl, it looks to me like you're trying very hard so here's a big hug for you!

Top
#69479 - 04/12/05 07:21 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you, Dianne.
I noticed this morning while half waking before the alarm clock went off, that the image of this man, the Ph.D., is becoming somewhat blurry, not so vivid and painful....

That's a good sign that my hard work is paying off, PLUS, time alone away from him or hearing from him in any way adds to the blessed blurriness.

Lynn or Dianne asked me to consider what lesson I might learn from all of this....Well, Dotsie or Chatty suggested not becoming sexually involved so soon if I should meet someone new. I certainly will NOT! become sexual for a substantial amount of time in the future.

In my last communication with the Ph.D., last Saturday, I told him I would not feel comfortable now being intimate with him because of his lack of feelings for me .... Haven't heard from since...
Thanks all of you!
ARI

Top
#69480 - 04/11/05 10:47 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello, Smile, and thank you for reminding me it is never good to wallow in sadness and bitterness.
Thank you for the very wise and hopeful words.
ARI

Top
#69481 - 04/12/05 02:09 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
LOL, Chatty!
Well, in my first sexual encounter with this man, I was unable to complet the consummation..so painful it was to me! It truly scared me, but I have been celibate for three years, and off Estrogen for 4 years, and so I immediately made an appt. with my gynecologist, who called it "atrophy." This fella knows all of this, and was not much comfort, I must admit here. My doctor prescribed Estrogen cream for the dryness, and I read online that a vibrator was a good idea for helping to "stretch" the muscles, etc. So I even went to a "sex shop" to purchase one! When I visited the shop, near my doctor's office, which was located in the back of a record store, a geeky little girl came to me as I hesitated in the entrance of the shop, and was very helpful and comforting. So, yeah, I have the Battery Operated Boyfriend, but have not used it. The Estrogen cream seemed to help my condition, and so consummation was achieved in the next visits. This is all very "graphic" and "seedy," I know. I have to tell you here that it was not at all a small thing for me to 1. be unable to perform, 2. visit my gynecologist, 3. go to a sex shop for aids, 4. continue with this man in a sexual way. I have to say here that this was not a small thing for me !! I had profound hopes that this relationship was the be all, end all, and I had found my true soul mate. Today, I had three good hours at work in the morning (positive), and then in the afternoon, found myself tearing up uncontrollably with my students in the room. I went into my art storage room several times just to straighten up! I came home feeling the uncontrollable urge to contact him! But I haven't.
About the sexual drive...I dont' really have a strong one. I take Paxil for depression, which greatly reduces the sexual drive. I have not felt the need for the B.O.B. I have just strongly desired mutual love and assurance from this man, which I haven't received.
Lastly, I just want to say, as Smile has pointed out, that I do NOT want to continue to wallow in this! I have sought out local support groups, one in Huntington, and one in Charleston, for recovery from broken relationships. I just don't have the strength or willpower today to go to the meetings. Both groups meet tonight, and I'm not up to it, but maybe next week if I still feel the need. In the meantime, this forum has been my lifeline, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
ARI

Top
#69482 - 04/12/05 11:25 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
I just wanted to add here that I am feeling much better, and know that recovery and healing are in progress here...I can feel it today.
Thanks all of you,
ARI

Top
#69483 - 04/13/05 01:09 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Ari, this is so assertive and mature of you: "I told him I would not feel comfortable now being intimate with him because of his lack of feelings for me." I'm sorry that he is not enough of a man to step forward with feelings. BUT you did the best thing that you could for your self by honoring YOUR feelings, and stating them the way you did. In regards to "atrophy" I've also had this discussionwith my gynecologist. I mentioned the site for women called "Toys in Babeland" which means you do not have to come face-to-face with a clerk. I could never walk into a store such as you described because I embarrass so easily! There are vibrators at Target that are sold for muscle massage which.... And sometimes, lke writing, you don't wait for the mood to strike, you just jump right in and see what happens! I'm glad you are feeling better, even if you had some teary moments at work. It sounds like you were mourning because you realized once and for all that this was not the "end all, be all soulmate". At least you went to work! Some women get so depressed about a man that they relinquish their own lives. It's okay if you're not ready for a recovery group, just keep us in your loop, okay? Love and Light, Lynn

Top
#69484 - 04/13/05 01:22 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you, Lynn,
I had wondered about what I said to him regarding his "lack of feelings" for me. That was our last communication, and the precise reason I have not tried to communicate further. I think any real man, with any feelings for me whatsoever, would come forth and state it, don't you??? So, despite what I feel is a lack of closure for me, I am working thru it, tears and all, and, Hey!!!, no tears today, or even depression. I found several wonderful websites on the Internet by typing in "Letting Go." One was called Soulfulliving.com, and had many good articls on letting go. I know this will get better by each day, hour, minute.
ARI

Top
#69485 - 04/13/05 02:54 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Ariadne, I was thinking that maybe more than grieving over this man, you are sad about the hope you had that didn't happen. The dream. The white fence around the perfect home.

When I left my abuser, I knew I couldn't possibly love a man who did the things he did so I had to go deep and ask what it was that I was crying over. It was saying good bye to the dream, not good bye to him. It was also the realization that I was embarrassed to have had such a short marriage to him and didn't want people to know what an idiot I had been for marrying him.

You invested a lot of energy and effort for this man. That would upset me too. You gave him a small piece of your soul. He took it, used it and threw it away. That is his issue. You worked with the knowledge that you had at that time. It's as simple as that. Now...you know differently and can protect your precious heart next time.

Top
#69486 - 04/13/05 02:59 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you, Dianne,
I know it was a dream...so long alone...3 years, and meeting this man felt like the dream come true, then turning into a nightmare.
ARI

Top
#69487 - 04/14/05 12:28 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Oh, Chatty! We just don't know what burdens others bear when we pour out our own problems here. You are such a shining light here on this forum and I see how active you are in your feedback on other discussions. Thanks for sharing. Makes my problems sound insignificant.
A bright note is that I truly am feeling better. Starting to focus again on my own business of taking care of myself...something I've neglected.
ARI

Top
#69488 - 04/14/05 06:56 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
There you go! It IS all about you! Remember that.

Top
#69489 - 04/19/05 02:36 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Well, I cooked a dinner, took it to Dave's, spent the afternoon with him, during which we had a drive in the country, dinner, and then sex again. "My God, woman, do you have to have a building fall on your head???" resounds in my mind!!! After the "intimacy," we dressed and went to his living room, where I asked him point blank, what he was wanting from our relationship. He responded, that he was not "in love" with me (again), and I began to cry. Now, I know, I KNOW, I do, that this man is not the one for me, but my feelings for him were so strong, I had to give it one more try!!!
A male friend of mine, an old high school sweetheart, who is a Harvard grad., a judge and a mediation lawyer, has characterized Dave as a "cad," whom he would open up a "can of whoop ass" if he were here. That has been good for me to hear...a just male perspective.
I know this is over now!!! I wrote to Dave today telling him my feelings about this last visit, and he responded saying I will not hear from him again!
I hope you all are not too disappointed with me in all of this. I felt I loved this man...he did not love me.
ARI

Top
#69490 - 04/19/05 04:03 AM Re: he's just not that into you
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Ari,
You did what you had to do. It was your way of finding out for sure, for your own peace of mind.
We are not here to approve or disapprove your decisions. We are here to listen and make you feel comfortable when you make them, whatever they may be. You needed to see Dave again in order to get him out of your system. This time it worked. His response was, you wouldn't be hearing from him again. I think he has it all wrong...he won't be hearing from you again.
No disappointment from me.

Hang tough,
chickadee

Top
#69491 - 04/19/05 04:21 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you,Chickadee, for not condemning me to much in this last effort! There have been other men in my last three years alone and in isolation to whom I didn't respond. I did to this man, but it turned out not right for me.
I know this now.
ARI

Top
#69492 - 04/19/05 06:05 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh honey, what you do doesn't change our lives so don't worry about what we think or feel in this. Maybe you needed to do this to get him out of your system once and for all. Closure. Whatever works.

It's a lonely world out there and there are a lot of people looking for someone.

Listen, I work with battered women who go back and have flings with men who beat, choked, kicked and raped them. It's hard to understand unless you know the dynamics going on. So, don't abuse yourself and just do what you gotta do!

Top
#69493 - 04/20/05 12:47 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Thank you, Dianne and Smile...
"If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice."
You can't imagine how many times that statement was going thru my mind as I cooked a dinner, drove 2 hours to Dave's, had sex, and then cried again when he told me he "wasn't in love with me." I've acted out in childish and hateful ways since then, forwarding him a message from a close male friend (Harvard grad., judge and mediation lawyer) who calls him a "cad." Really hateful stuff, and he responded indignantly, but I felt it was good for him to see another male's perspective on his behavior toward me...I know this is over now, ending on a very, very bad note!
ARI

Top
#69494 - 04/20/05 12:57 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Are you sure you can let this go and not communicate with him anymore? It's important. It only drags it out and makes it uglier.

Top
#69495 - 04/20/05 02:38 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Well, though he had told me in email and over the phone that he was not "in love" with me, I didn't get it, my feelings for him were so strong. Actually seeing his body language, his facial expressions, when he told me that in person this past weekend, is burned into my mind! Dear God, at the age of 54, I am so much beyond this kind of behavior. I actually rec'd an email message from him this evening saying he had no hard feelings for me, but it would not continue. I agreed. So, that is IT!!! I think some time alone is required from all of this, and that's not a bad thing. I need to assess my attitudes and behavior before meeting anyone else, IF there is to be anyone else. I have spent three years alone, and learned to like my own quiet company, working on my art abd studying the Bible. Before meeting this man, who said he believes in "nothing," I actually looked forward to getting in bed each night and reading the Bible. When we initially met, via the Internet, I shared that with him! I let that all go, giving my energy over to the relationship! I have returned to my nightly study and hope to regain my "balance" soon.
ARI

Top
#69496 - 05/21/05 06:31 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Allright ladies I'm going to read ALL (yes! madam moderator I know I'm shouting) of your posts eventually but I've read enough for the moment.

I have read and reviewd the entire book and it's dangerous. The possibility that he's just not into you is very real but the rest of the book contains more holes than a colander. If you blindly follow this book you will cultivate destructive relationships and will destroy promising ones.
I will go through this in detail, with everyone a little later but for th e moment her are the few vital points about the book that you have to be aware of.

- "Not into you", and "taking you for granted often exibit the same symptoms" paticularly the failure to rng for anythigbut an emergency. But taking you for granted is a symptom of a committed relationship. Not into you is a symptom of a detorating one. Don't confuse them or you will reject a committed partner.

- Men are individuals. Men are not men. They are, in order of priority, 1/ Individuals 2/Single or married 3/Fathers or not 4/Workers (doctors, truckers etc) 5/ Sportsmen 6/Rich or not 7/ Men (possibly) Thats where gender fits on the male attitude. The biggest mistake that any female can make is to generalise about male attitudes. For every generalsisation that Greg makes about male attitudes I can find one individual male that conforms to it and a dosen that don't.

- Women are not "Fabulous". And men do not want fabulous women. (We will talk about that one later or I will overload the board)

- Most of Gregs attitudes are a product of the female culture. It has very little to do with the very real attitudes of the rest of the worlds male population.


I'm going back to readin fro the moment but, if anyone has read the book and is unsure about the accurrracy of the questions or Gregs answers, I have read and given alternative answers to almost all of the questions.

Top
#69497 - 05/21/05 06:48 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I felt I was "in love" with this man. He made it clear he was not in love with me...only feeling "concern" in the clinical sense.

I know I have to feel the pain of this and move on. It's just so hard!
===========================================
Ariadne
You didn't tell me if this guy was divorced or not but, even if he is long term single then he's probably helped out a few divorced buddies.
So let me tell you about pain.

In Australia, post divorce trauma, leads one in thirteen divorced men to suicide. If that doesn’t sound like a high figure then consider that the suicide rate caused by post rape trauma is less than one in a hundred rape victims. Not only is divorce Australia’s biggest cause of suicide. It’s double all the rest of the suicide causes put together. It’s a body count equal to the national road toll. And the figures would be similar in the USA.
That’s the kind of trauma that you can’t even imagine but I’ll dwell on the issue of post rape trauma for comparison even if not a good one. Hypothetical! A girlfriend of yours is coming home from a hot date, dressed to the nines, in really sexy gear. She’s accosted in a back street and raped. In court the rapist comes out with the usual drivel that she was asking for it because the was wearing sexy clothing. The court dismisses that excuse and jails him anyway. Tell me this Lindsey, would you ever expect your friend, still suffering post rape trauma, to ever wear that same clothing again? Would you be surprised if she burned it? There’s your answer.

Any man, who has been directly, or even indrectly, burned by post divorce trauma is going to keep the committted relatinships at a distance. Casual ones yes. Committed ones no.
Is this starting to sound a little more like your intellectual friend?

Yes Araine I know you feel pain. But that pain has never had you seriously contemplating suicide has it? That's the pain of a divorced man.

Top
#69498 - 05/21/05 06:54 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
You put him before your very life, risking losing yourself in a snow storm. Evidently, his BMW was more important to him than you.
===========================================
Not quite Lyn. He didn't realise how totally Araiane had fallen for him and he didn't expect her to come out in that weather.
Now heres an interestng double standard Lyn. If Ari was risking her life by driving to him then he would have been risking both his lifeand his BMW by driving to see her. Quite frankly I don't expect either of them to risk life and limb, when they can easily see one another when the weather improves.

Top
#69499 - 05/22/05 07:04 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
A beautiful life / ********** awaits you, one that is stress free, loving and genuine. And who deserves that more than you?
=====================================
Chickadee.
You may have noted that I have removedthe word "relatinship" Ari is coming to terms with a wrecked relationship and I can't think of much that would be cruler that promising her rainbows with pots of gold at the end of them
Ari
A beutiful life does await you but probably not a relationship. Only fifty percent of the population ever gets married and half of them get divorced. (Austrlian Bereau of Stats) I don't have accurate data for your age group but I think its only about one in eight women your age who are actually married. The rest are single, widowed, or divorced.
BUT!!!!! Almost all of them are happily widowed, single or divorced.
Theres a great site about this called Leather Spinsters. Yes I know it sounds like a bunch of man hating lesbians but it's nothing like that at all. I'ts motto is "Happily Single" and its a great site.

Top
#69500 - 05/22/05 07:28 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
We have to learn to sit back, enjoy the glorious women we are and wait for that special someone who will worship at our feet.
========================================
Diane
That elderley gentleman was not giving you good advice. He was being nice to you. He was telling you the kind of lies that give you a warm fuzzy feeling. And he was old enough to know it.
Just stop and think about what he said. "Special people" don't worship at anyones feet. Common people worship at their feet. So forget that.

Now! To the real nitty gritty.
Glorious women, superfox, high maintinance women. This is exactly what puts the guys off.
Try this section directly from the book

Not into you Page 8
Greg reminded us that we were all beautiful, smart, funny, women and we shouldn’t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy is not calling us.


===== Greg failed to mention that beautiful is the last on the list of desirable traits that real men seek. The other traits can be as undesirable as desirable. I note that Greg never used the word “horny” when he described the ladies. From a purely sexual point of view that’s a hundred times more important than “beautiful”. From a general point of view the most important characteristic of the lot is “likes men” Most women are actually so conditioned to man hating that even they aren’t aware of how bad they really are.
Smart is desirable. Smart ass is not. Funny ceases to be funny, in a hell of a hurry, if funny consists of a continuous stream of malicious jokes about men. To get some idea of how unfunny this sort of thing becomes, in a hurry, try spending a couple of days cracking nothing but blonde jokes and see how fast the blondes in the office lose their sense of humor.

Get both your nose, and your standards, out of the stratosphre and have a really good look at the good(not perfect) men all around you.

Top
#69501 - 05/22/05 07:45 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Who writes a 13 page letter of introduction???? I think it is something he has stored on his computer for various potential women
=========================================
Actually a lot of people have such letters on their computers these days. I have one. It's called a CV which I send in for job applicaitons.
His letter would have been a social CV and 13 pages is not too long if he's going to cover every last detail.
And often he does need to cover every last detail. Have you heard the story of the plaited belt?

Top
#69502 - 05/21/05 08:39 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Wow, Sparticuss, You have given this a lot of thought, and it is interesting. The book, NOT INTO YOU, served a purpose for me, at the ending of the relationship, in realizing my needs were not being met, and which he acknowledged he could not fill on an emotional level. Greg (author) does make a valid point in stating that if he (the man) does not do simple things like giving assurance which would end anxiety on the woman's part, then he does not care that her feelings are hurting, and he is "not that into you."
I posted my "epiphany" several weeks after this thread ended, in which the lightbulb question popped into my head: "How much anxiety, self-doubt, nervousness, insecurity, self-recrimination are justified in order to be in the company of a man?" And the stupidly simple answer is "NONE!"...none. The responses I received here while going thru the initial stage of the breakup helped me to regain some of myself.
As for the man's mental state because of being divorced for one year...I questioned him about that on our first date, and was assured that the marriage had been over for many years and he was well recovered. Who knows if that was true, but he was definitely suicidal about it, nor ever was.
Now, what's this about being sexy and intelligent, liking men and sex as a means of attracting and maintaining the relationship? That is totally opposite of the advice I've received on this thread. I WAS, smart, sexy, gently humorous and not a male basher. I was not coy, or demure or teasingly seductive, and felt this intelligent man felt an emotional as well as physical attraction. I deluded myself, and now I am thinking I should have witheld my sexual enthusiasm in exchange for building a solid foundation of respect and friendship. That I did not do so is still a source of embarrassment to me when I think about it, and I still do.
The thirteen page letter of introduction was viewed by me with skepticism and even cynicism and I even mentioned that to him. A sincere short letter TO ME would have made a better impression.
ARI

Top
#69503 - 05/21/05 09:08 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Would you like a copy of my entire review Aridane?
That is , if I can include it without overloading the board.

The language in it is about as pungent as Gregs and its a good hundred and fifty pages long so its a bit of a read.

Top
#69504 - 05/21/05 09:43 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
You know, I KNOW the NOT INTO YOU book is full of fallacies. One thing I noticed was the mention of how Greg called his wife almost hourly just to say he "was busy." Hmm...sounded kinda insecure and clingy to me. Yet, this was upheld as a perfect behavior...desirable! It would make me rather ill to have a man calling that much.
On the other hand, for someone hurting and feeling rejection by someone I professed to love, the book gave me some temporary validation. I don't need to read it again, but will pass it on to another woman in my place if the circumstances present themselve.

While the book encourages a woman to raise her standards in the men she chooses to get to know, it does not validate singlehood as a desirable status, but simply as an interim till the dream man comes along. So, even by the time I had finished reading the book and gleaning what was a helpful kickstart to my diminished self-esteem, I knew I would not be following the prescription of man hunting as a primary goal.
There is benefit in solitude, especially after a hurtful attempt at intimacy, and in rebuilding peace of mind. That's where I am now.
ARI

Top
#69505 - 05/22/05 03:40 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
One thing I noticed was the mention of how Greg called his wife almost hourly just to say he "was busy." Hmm...sounded kinda insecure and clingy to me. Yet, this was upheld as a perfect behavior...desirable! It would make me rather ill to have a man calling that much.
========================================
Pheewwwww!
Thats a relief to hear.
Ari. You are the first woman, out of literally thousands I've been in discussion with, who has demonstrated enough clear thinking to actually pick ANY fault in the book. The rest of the female population has followed it unthinkingly and blindly. A bunch of sheep that no intelligent man would ever be into.

For instance the book is encouragng women to raise their standards as yoy have said. But those standards are so far ito the troposphere already that raising them any more will put them out of reach of anyone but astronaults.

From the book!

He’s not into you Page 183
Setting your own standards for once.
Sure you say. But I have standards. (Greg)

The real truth
Well m dear. Have I got news for you. You haven’t. All the standards you think you have, about money, loyalty, family, health, relationships, men and pretty much everything else have been rammed down your throat by a combination of media advertising, corporate greed, family and peer group pressures, virtually everything but your own heart and head.
Your standards are not your standards at all.!
You have dumped decent guys and called them absolute barstards due to some petty almost infinitesimal fault and then found yourself with a genuine barstard when the decent guys stopped asking you. Yep, you listened to the girlfriends, or Greg, or anyone but your own heart and brain.
So here’s how you set your standards
Go back to the workbook on page 154 and list the five things you would really like in a man. Go to town! Reach for the stars.
Then list the five things that are absolutely essential in a man.
Now be careful here. Keep it realistic. When you want a millionaire for instance, be prepared for a guy who is too busy to call you from work and neglects you in all sorts of other ways too, simply because he’s busy. When you want a sporting star be prepared to cope with the horde of love letters from other girls who have no respect for your relationship. And be prepared to forgive the occasional fling too. Expect this list to overflow. Sorry Hun! You only get five. Save the overflows by all means but list them as “desirable and not essential.”
This is a matter of setting your standards, and those specific standards are yours. You are too individual to go working to any body else’s standards. Or any of the standards rammed down your throat by the media. This whole idea of “raising your standards” is ridiculous. You are getting into the whole realm of perfect men again.
You don’t raise your standards at all. You identify your particular wants and needs. You set your standards around those wants and needs, not around what Greg persistently tells you are your wants and needs. And that’s where you seek your man from.
Once again PERFECT MEN DO NOT EXIST. Even the perfect one for you is not a perfect man. He’s a “suitable one”

Every year, for example, the March of Dimes organization in Seattle hosts a March of Dimes Bid for Bachelors, where dates with bachelors are auctioned to the women. For the October 18, 1990, event, the chairwoman described the volunteer bachelors as "everyday kinds of guys." These "everyday kind of guys were an artist, a stock broker, a doctor, a hydroplane racer, businessmen and even a retired diplomat." Yea sure!

Finally list the five things that are absolutely intolerable. This is your junkie who, who has raped his own three year old daughter, etc. Don’t make the big mistake of listing petty stuff like snoring or breaking wind in elevators here or you will get a wife basher who doesn’t snore.

Those fifteen are your main guide for your next date, for your next, and hopefully, your final time.

Top
#69506 - 05/22/05 03:54 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Sigrid Macdonald Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/05
Posts: 223
Loc: Ottawa, Ontario
Adrian,

I really admire your courage and candor for posting the details of your situation. You're not alone. Many other women go through varying degrees of what you're experiencing. I will certainly root for you to break free from this man who is hurting you, but I would never, never judge you for going back. In fact, I can relate!

I have my own obsession going on with a man who does not want to be involved with me. I know that he's not right for me and what's worse -- he is definitely not into me, interested in me, polite to me, or even contacting me anymore! But I still want him. I don't want him because he hurts me. I want what we had originally when he was so nice and responsive. But that is long gone.

That is my issue. Whenever I think of this guy, who I will call AJ, I remember the fun we had together hanging out last year. (I never went out with this man. I wanted to but he just wanted to be friends.) I keep thinking that that is the real AJ and that somewhere deep down, that nice Guy AJ will resurface. But guess what? It's not going to happen!

He's changed and maybe he never was that nice to begin with. Right now, I'm trying not to contact him because it just humiliates me when he doesn't respond. I had dinner with a friend a couple of days ago and told her that I had just sent him an e-mail. I told her the story like it was the end of the world, and she just shook her head and said, "So? Who is he in the scheme of things?"

I love that woman! She always makes me feel better. He's nobody in the scheme of things and I don't need to beat myself up if I slip and contact him. My goal is NOT to contact him but if I do screw up, I'm only human.

Sending you love and the strength to break this off. Sigrid

Top
#69507 - 05/22/05 03:59 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Excuse me, but what does CV stand for? Thanks, LLL

Top
#69508 - 05/22/05 04:08 AM Re: he's just not that into you
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
LLL
I know you didn't ask me, but I think it's late in Australia and maybe our male friend went to bed??
Amyway, CV is for Curriculum Vitae = A summary of one's education, professional history, and job qualifications, as for a prospective employer.
smile

Top
#69509 - 05/22/05 04:51 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hi all,
Sigrid, I want to recommend the book, DON'T CALL THAT MAN by Rhonda Findling. You can order it thru Amazon.com and it will come shortly. It's a quick read like the NOT INTO YOU book, but more realistic while being compassionate.

Smile...Good to see you! I think Spartacuss is a woman, at least that's what she said in another post, but that she takes on the man's point of view for discussion purposes.

On another topic, Smile!!!, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts about the OKIE NOODLING documentary. I saw it on PBS several years ago, and recently rented it from Netflix. I'm going to buy it when I see it in a video store. And...I laughed out loud at the stories of your own noodling adventures!!!! Also, I had never heard of "telephoning" and that was quite entertaining and educational!!!! You're my kinda gal...except I would never stick my hands in one of those dark holes in the water!!! but, hey, I do love to fish!
ARI

Top
#69510 - 05/22/05 05:24 AM Re: he's just not that into you
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Oh, I misunderstood. I thought sparticuss was a male. Oh well...
I'm not into noodling like they do it on that documentary. Uh uh. No way. I'm just exaggerating.
Like I probably posted somewhere, when I was a kid, the ponds overflowed and the fish got in the ditches so I and my cousins would wade in the muddy water and catch them with our hands in small holes they made in the sides of the ditches. We called it noodling, but it was not like we went into those big catfish caves or anything. The only way we ever caught those 50-60 pound cats was either trot lining or most usually telephoning.
Once or twice when we were in the ditches we saw snakes. But fortunately I never caught one. Hallelujah!! That would have ended my noodlin career forever!!. Hate snakes.
smile

Top
#69511 - 05/22/05 05:31 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Well, Smile...this is my fishing story...way off the subject of NOT INTO YOU, but your mention of snakes reminded me...
I was fishing on the New River in WV with my sister and it had rained a log, so the river was up and too muddy for any success. I was down over the bank under some trees, and kept hearing a "plop, plop" in the water. At first I thought it was fish jumping but then I looked up into the trees above me, and, I swear...on EVERY branch of the trees were snakes draped over the limbs, all over my head, and dropping into the water. I don't know what kind of snakes they were, but, needless to say, I got out of there FAST

Top
#69512 - 05/22/05 06:20 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Actually Ari
This paticular sparticuss is a man.
I've read postings from two different women who also go by the tag Sparticus and they do try to take the male persepctive.
In some areas they are remarkably aware. In others they are laughably ingnorant.
But they always make for great reading.

Top
#69513 - 05/22/05 06:24 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sounds like non venemous garter snakes Ari. Normally snakes are fairly solitary creatures and the only ones I know of that socialise like that are garter snakes and anacondas during the mating season.
But I wouldn't risk it either.

Top
#69514 - 05/22/05 06:38 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
He's changed and maybe he never was that nice to begin with.
====================================
Sigrid
Reading your post this is what I hear. It may be wayyy off the mark but only you know that.

Not into you Page 8
By Liz
WE go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper excuse mode because the last thing that we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is turning into a creep.

====================================

(English Translation!)
WE go out with someone, we kid ourselves that we have finally found the elusive “perfect man”, and then they do something, less than perfect, that mildly disappoints us. Something so petty so insignificant that any decent woman wouldn’t even notice it, let alone get upset about it. But, even then, instead of talking with him in a civil manner about the issue we sulk and brood over it and wonder why he’s so “insensitive” that he cant read our minds. Then they keep doing a lot more petty things that disappoint, petty, finicky girls like us. Then we go into hyper excuse mode because the last thing that we want to think is that this perfect man that we are so excited about is the usual, good man, quality man, but definitely not a perfect man.
================================

How desperate for a man were you? Any man? And how desperate were you to believe that he was a perfect man?
Personally I think you should move on too. But not before answering yourself one vital question. Is he good enough for you, not as he was, but as he is right now.
If the answer is no then move on. If the answer is "I'm happier on my own" then move on. I'f the answer is, "I'm not happy as is but I'm happier with him than without him then stick around.
Perfect he isn't. HOw good is up to you.

Top
#69515 - 05/24/05 05:37 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Sigrid Macdonald Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/05
Posts: 223
Loc: Ottawa, Ontario
I wasn't going to answer your post because it was so incredibly rude but I would like to set the record straight. Firstly, you did not read my post correctly at all. I was not even dating the man. I fell for him and he made it perfectly clear all along that he wanted to be friends. I don't have any kind of pathological need to find the "perfect" man and I certainly am not "desperate" in any sense of the word.

Don't you have anything better to do with your time than to insult women on message boards? Sigh. Especially women who are opening up and confiding about painful situations? Shame on you, Sparticuss.

Sigrid

Top
#69516 - 05/24/05 05:44 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Sigrid Macdonald Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/05
Posts: 223
Loc: Ottawa, Ontario
Ari,

I've heard of the book "Don't Call That Man." I looked for it at my library but they didn't have it. Right now I'm so much in debt from publishing my last two books that I can't afford to buy anything on Amazon, but I will keep that in mind.

In terms of the book "He's Just Not That into You," I expected to hate it but I didn't. I really loved reading it and found it to be hilariously funny.

Some parts were right on target but on the other hand, it was rife with sexist generalizations. I don't believe that men must always be the aggressors, must always pay for a date and must place the majority of phone calls. There are so many reasons why a man may need encouragement aside from the fact that he is just not into us.

Having said that, I did enjoy the book and thought that it was worthwhile and funny. It's pretty obvious when someone is not calling you back that they're not into you -- or to phrase it another way, they are not able to give you what you want or to be there for you -- but breaking away can be hard.

I have managed not to contact my guy for a while but I still think of him every day. I'm sure that will pass with time.

Hope that you're also feeling better, Ari.

Sigrid

Top
#69517 - 09/03/05 09:40 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Anonymous
Unregistered


Adriane, I too, have been in similiar relationships and understand your situation. Presently, I'm working on getting over a "shadow" relationship b/c I don't want to fall into this type of behavior again -- it is to painful. I shall forgoe explaining the situation (which has mirrored other relationships) as it only rehashes the pain.

Thus, I've resigned to streamline my life, get rid of that which I no longer need (whether it be a relationship, attitude, or object), put more emphasis into my career, and concentrate on myself (spiritually, health and mental attitude), and sherish my animals (I'm 39 and have no children). Easier said than done, huh! But, I am worthwhile, regardless of what another thinks.

Top
#69518 - 09/04/05 01:16 AM Re: he's just not that into you
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
MustangGal I truly believe we single women must first love ourselves before anyone else will love us....you go girl!!

Top
#69519 - 09/04/05 08:44 PM Re: he's just not that into you
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
This is a great discussion and I cannot believe I overlooked it. What I want to say is that I found out I liked me. I made the conscious decision to not date, and to spend more time getting to know the "grown up" and "divorced" me. I like what I discovered and am perfectly content to spend time alone. I also like my friend's company, and I like to date as well. But all in all, the decision to do whatever resides with me. It will be my idea, and because it is something that I want to do, not forced into and not because I can't entertain myself. I really believe you have the right idea, actually all of you do. I applaud your healthy way of thinking!

JJ

Top
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 ... 9 10 >



NABBW.com | Forum Testimonials | Newsletter Sign Up | View Our Newsletter | Advertise With Us
About the Founder | Media Room | Contact BWS
Resources for Women | Boomer Books | Recent Reads | Boomer Links | Our Voices | Home

Boomer Women Speak
9672 W US Highway 20, Galena, IL 61036 • info@boomerwomenspeak.com • 1-877-BOOMERZ

Boomer Women Speak cannot be held accountable for any personal relationships or meetings face-to-face that develop because of interaction with the forums. In addition, we cannot be held accountable for any information posted in Boomer Women Speak forums.

Boomer Women Speak does not represent or endorse the reliability of any information or offers in connection with advertisements,
articles or other information displayed on our site. Please do your own due diligence when viewing our information.

Privacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer

Copyright 2002-2019 • Boomer Women SpeakBoomerCo Inc. • All rights reserved