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#69431 - 04/05/05 02:29 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Okay, here's my story...After three years of consciously deciding not to date..period, after a disastrous relationgship with a Narcissist, I finally felt recovered enough to put myself "out there." I teach middle school art and live in a small town so the opportunities for meeting men are nil. I put my profile on Yahoo Personals and this one man responded who interested me. He has a Ph.D. in Psychology, an engineering degree, and is an accomplished musician with a music studio in his house. I was "smitten" from the start. By the second date, we had become sexual, and this is after three years of my having nary a "sexual" thought, abstaining from all contact with men. We have had only 4 or 5 "dares," during a brief 2 month period. He lives 2 hours from me, so the time together was precious to me. Here is how it evolved: At first, I was hearing "endearment," like calling me "cutiepie" and "sweetheart." As time progressed, however, that ceased, my emails went unanswered, and I was never sure if or when he would call. My anxiety began to develop. I don't seem to be able to separate the sexual from the emotional and told him this. His responses have been very "clinical" in nature, like, asking me "Are you afraid of having your heart broken?" to which I answered, "Well, YES!!!" He has never given me the comfort or reassurance I need. His emails have stopped entirely, and this has been hurtful. Our phone conversations seem to evolve around the sexual, and I find myself agreeing to it! I haven't seen him now for three weeks, but our last visit involved me driving to HIS location thru a snowstorm, since he didn't want to drive his BMW in it, and his truck was a "gashog." I so wanted to see him, that I braved the drive, passing a terrible wreck with bodies strewn out on the Interstate median. On the Sunday morning of our last intimate weekend together, I got up to leave, and there had been a heavy snowstorm the night before. He remained in his gym shorts and tee shirt, playing games on his computer, while I went out and cleaned the snow off my car. When I arrived home safely, I emailed him that I was home....No reply. I also had told my mother that morning, during a phone call, that I was seeing someone. She is elderly and worries about me, and I emaile him about that also...No reply. No phone call either.

His nonresponse and apparent indifference created a lot of anxiety in me, since I felt I was falling in love with him. I told him all of this, and his response, via email, was that he was not "in love" with me. I was a crying lump for that whole weekend. During one phone call from him, I couldn't even talk for crying.

As a result of all of this, we have refrained from seeing each other now for 3 weeks. We have talked on the phone with the agreement to continue seeing each other, but I sent him an upbeat email mid last week to which he didn't respond. After a couple of days, I became angry at this!

During our sexual times together, which we both enjoyed physically, and I have been unable to reach a sexual climax for almost 15 year, but did with HIM!!, there have been no loving endearments coming from him, and my comments to him, like "You're precious," have been met with silence.

My last email, of mid last week, in which I was upbeat and positve, also went unanswered, which created more anxiety, resulting in my sending him an email entitled "Casting pearls before swine," and the only text being, "What gives?"

I have felt that my anxiety drove him away, but at the same time I think HE created it!

Your thoughts...Let me have it!!!
A

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#69432 - 04/05/05 02:36 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh girl. Listen to me. You gotta stop emailing and calling him now and forever. He's given you a clear indication that he's not interested and you have to just let him go. Silence is an answer.

He used you but then, you seemed to enjoy it so just let it go as a sexual fling. Don't beat up on yourself for this, just learn from it. What lesson do you need to learn because of this should be your question.

Don't chase a man who is acting this way. It will only make it worse on you. Pick up your shoes and walk away with dignity.

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#69433 - 04/05/05 03:00 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Dianne,
I am HEARING you!!! Thank you for the response!
I do expect that he will eventually call me. I am wondering if I should answer the phone?
Also, I have just read the book, "Not Into You," and it resounds in my thoughts that a man who really cares would be EAGER to communicate with me!, would be forthcoming and resassuring in his communication, either by email or phone calls, which he has NOT been.
A

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#69434 - 04/05/05 04:34 AM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Oh, Chatty, I hear you!!! I so appreciate your very blunt asssessment of what I'm doing! This man has kept me dangling with just enough...but not enough! I am an educated woman, and I know better...I do!!!

During our last visit (the snowstorm), he gave me his guitar to play. I brought it home. Now I have it, and don't know how to handle it. One of my other friends says, "Keep the damn guitar!" Certainly my self respect is worth more than a material object, so I am just waiting to see how he wants to retrieve it. I am thinking it would be best to leave it outside for him to pick up!...without me being home.

I felt I was "in love" with this man. He made it clear he was not in love with me...only feeling "concern" in the clinical sense.

I know I have to feel the pain of this and move on. It's just so hard!
A

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#69435 - 04/05/05 06:03 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hello Ari, and welcome. Well, we got right into the crux of the matter, didn't we? Hmm, how can we help? Of course you crave physical contact. I was celibate for 7 years between the thug that married me and my next encounter, who is now my husband since 1988. Ari, you have been mistreated. You put him before your very life, risking losing yourself in a snow storm. Evidently, his BMW was more important to him than you. But you might consider how important you are to your SELF. Please don't risk your SELF by getting in any deeper with this jerk. He is a jerk. My husband, when he was my boyfriend, would not only have scraped the snow from my car, but followed me home to make sure I was safe. Oh, instead of going to the computer, he would make me pancakes. Ari, you can tend to your sexual needs via a vibrator (Toys in Babeland.com). I'm sorry if this sounds too blunt. Don't throw tomatoes at the featured author! I am sincerely trying to help. Who cares about his guitar? Keep it, and take some lessons. Please listen to your intuition that is telling you something aint right! Listen to your new found girlfriends, because I think we have all been through the wringer of a wet noodle disguised as a man. Love and Light, Lynn

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#69436 - 04/05/05 06:08 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Dotsie, yes, a "dull" life as you put it is so much better than putting ourselves in danger. I would have been nervous too with a drinking stranger in a hotel room. Sugar, what was the end result for your friend? LLL

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#69437 - 04/05/05 06:16 PM Re: he's just not that into you
ariadne54 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 233
Loc: WV
Hello again and thank you all for your valuable insights and opinions. It has been confusing to me to see the situation for what it is.....sometimes telling myself it's not as bad as I'm thinking, but in typing my story down, and getting your feedback, it seems it is truly bad!!!! From the time of our second date, in which we became sexual (I was swept off my feet!!), I have felt growing anxiety, expressed that timidly to him, getting no comfort from him, and feeling responsible for driving him away!!!! So....rather than beat myself up about this...I am trying to remember what the "INTO YOU" book said: "If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight (in my case not fight, but anxiety), then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs."

I am also going to print and read and re-read all of your helpful comments.
ARI

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#69438 - 04/06/05 07:28 AM Re: he's just not that into you
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
ariadne, welcome and congratulations for pouring your heart out, seeking advice and assessing your situation. You have chosen the right way to handle it. The most difficult time may come when he wants his guitar back and you think "I will see him just one more time." Leave it on the porch girl, right next to your "garbage can."
A beautiful life / relationship awaits you, one that is stress free, loving and genuine. And who deserves that more than you?


chickadee

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#69439 - 04/06/05 07:53 AM Re: he's just not that into you
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Ari, I'm grateful you were brave enough to pour out your heart in search of advice.

I believe you get the message loud and clear.

Please do not see him when he comes searching for his guitar. It will probably be at time when he is in a lull with another women, and you don't want that.

I pray you will surround yourself with positive people who can uplift you during this difficult time. Why don't you make plans with a couple girlfriends for this weekend? Occupy your mind so you don't beat yourself up...and move on having learned you are worthy of receiving love and not just giving it away.

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#69440 - 04/05/05 10:10 PM Re: he's just not that into you
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think you earned the right to keep that guitar. Paid for by your heart.

Honey, it seems to me that you might be planning when he shows up, calls or emails. You might have crossed the line into obsession. It happens all the time. Maybe you should just stop thinking about him and move on. He was a mistake, a lesson that needed to be learned. There are a lot of nice men out there who would treat you the way you deserve but you won't find them if your mind and heart are still waiting for this jerk. And, he is a jerk to have treated you this way.

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