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#69210 - 07/25/04 08:14 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree, been there. Done that. I guess everyone thinks this physiology stuff is goofy, but we are physiological/physical being first and it affects everything we do.
Physiologically speaking, the more you tell yourself you can't/shouldn't have this man, the more intensely you will desire him.
They can now track the electrical impulses of emotions in the brain and when people know that they shouldn't have something, the desire for it increases. Maybe that is the inpetus for extramarital affairs. ??

Scientists have studied that whole concept and diagramed the electrical impulses as they occur at the synapse. Way too complicated for here. Another endorphin thing.
Also, recent studies of monkey offspring has contracicted the previous belief that female monkeys only mated within their social groups, Now that they have DNA, they have discovere that female monkeys primarily mate with socially unacceptable males from inferior social groups.
In other words those female monkeys have been fooling around with the rogues all this time. Intersting huh. Just like humans. I guess it's born in us.
However, if we can love ourselves enough to control those destructive impulses, we can have both the rush of passion and the joy of love. God is love and if He loves us, maybe we can love ourselves. And if we love ourselves, we won't let anyone abuse us.
smile

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#69211 - 07/25/04 10:23 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
So, Smile, you're saying that I am fighting a 'mankind and lifelong' problem here that even Eve, the mother of mankind, could not resist; TEMPTATION? [Confused]

Now this really sounds like a loosing battle...even momkeys cant control themselve when it comes to 'jungle loving.' ??? Is that it? Did I break it down correctly? Is this what you are saying, Smile?

Sugaree

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#69212 - 07/25/04 10:50 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
I don't think it's a question of whether the monkeys couldn't control themselves. Monkeys don't have control issues with "should"s and "shouldn't"s. They just do what they do because they want to. And because they mate with monkeys from a lower social strata, doesn't mean the relationship is destructive.

You, on the other hand, are in a destructive relationship. I agree with the other posts here. You're addicted because you think that if you leave him, you'll never have great sex again.

Wrong.

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#69213 - 07/25/04 11:46 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Ok, so I have monkey (primative behaviours) and am also a sex addict? LOL. That's too much!

I think I will go with the fact that I'd just married my husband at 17 to get out of the frying pan, but ended up in the kettle, which was also a familiar place since the common denominator her is/was 'heat' in the first place. I jumped out of that kettle thinking that a woman is SUPPOSED to be with a man, into the arms of another satin follower from there because I didnt wait on God to send me the right path in the first place.

I finally was alone, too alone, relaxed and had time to think as I courted Lance. Lance knew my familiar ties and too advantage of my vulnerable state of mind which was pretty laxed with him because I thought we were friends before lovers and he'd never intentionally hurt me.

Instead, his ego got the best of him since he'd never had a woman like me to feel the way I did...working his testosterone to the max (ego, again) and figured he'd play with it, no matter how he or I felt. See, there was no possible way he faked all of those emotions. He was with me much too much and was extremely sensitive to my 'touches' as well. There was not a day that he approached my door w/o a 'prize' pertruding which indicated that the chemistry was mutual...

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that he really did love me but was too confused with all that happened and just lost control. He really did call me when he was going to be late. I actually did hear his buddies in the background laughing that he was 'henpecked' and other terms of weakness as they refered to his and my relationship. I think he was just accustomed to being in control and had to prove a childish point. He had to show them that a cake could be eaten and had simulteaneously (spellchecker please!).

Maybe it's just late and I really want to believe what I fantasize him saying to me when I answer the call that I really should ignore...

Help, I'm falling, again.

[Eek!]

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#69214 - 07/25/04 11:48 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hmm, I sure had lots of mispelled words up there. I guess I was too excited in trying to fool me, again, as I typed. Sorry.

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#69215 - 07/26/04 07:19 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
What I am trying to say is that the more you try to control your emotions, the stronger they become. Sadness, and physical attraction are prime examples. The harder you fight feelings of sadness, the more painful they become. The harder you fight the physical desire for sex, the stronger that desire becomes. Your fight against it can make it so strong that your mind misinterprets it as love.

If you truly want to control your emotions and your urges, you should not try to suppress them but relax into them knowing that they are a part of what God has created in you. If you can accept them for what they are you can experience them in the moment. Even feelings of sadness, can be blessings if you know that you are safe in the hands of God and that all things work together for those who love the Lord and are call to His purpose.
Sometimes we react to physical desire by having sex, not to iincrease the pleasure, but to end the feeling. If we distrust our feelings, and if we distrust our God, we must end feelings, even feelings of pleasure. The impulse to extinguish feelings must be especially strong in adults who have been sexually abused as children because sexual pleasure must have been confused by the pain of shame. Physiologically speaking, the neurons may have established disrupted patterns which will continue to misfire unless somehow corrected. I personally believe only the power of God can correct a disrupted life.

If we fear our own feelings so much that we must end them by reacting in ways that we know to be destructive, then we are not in control at all, but we are being controlled.
But if we relax into the moment, accept the feelings for the blessings that they are, and experience them without fear we can enjoy them for the moment. If we stop attempting to sever our sadnesses, our urges, and our emotions we can move on to the love which God intends for us.

[Smile] Of course you must bear in mind that this advice comes from a woman who married a guy a little over a year ago simply for sex. Yep. I admit it. We talked about it yesterday and we both agreed. It was sex that forced us to elope only a couple weeks after we met.
We were totally sex crazed and I had made a promise to God to never again have sex outside marriage. The promist came about one day when I was hurt and praying, I'm sure I heard God tell me that I was hurting myself by giving my body away. It strengthened me and I promised God to stop hurting His child (me) by doing things that I knew would hurt me.
When I met Dan I was afraid not to keep a promise to God and Dan respected that so marriage was the only option. We eloped.
We are getting to know each other physically, mentally and emotionally and we're doing it inside the marriage. I think we already knew each other spiritually.
So far, the desire increases daily and though I'm half afraid to speculate, I think it is turning to real love. Of course I think time is what determines if love is real so only time can tell.
smile

[ July 25, 2004, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#69216 - 07/25/04 08:51 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Oh Smile! You do understand! I didn't know if I wanted to cry or simply smile when I read your last post.

|This portion of what you [Smile] said, "The impulse to extinguish feelings must be especially strong in adults who have been sexually abused as children because sexual pleasure must have been confused by the pain of shame."|

When I married, at 17, it was out of the shame of me having premarital sex. No one had told me that these were natural urges. Each time I did it, I recall getting the same shameful feelings after my abuser. I was 6 when that shame started. That's why I didn't understand why I was purposely doing this 'horrible' thing. When I married, it felt ok. But all too soon, he became an abuser in my life too. THese folk were really trying to drive me mad huh? I started feeling the guilt of sex again, even within my marriage. I was go and sit on the edge of the tub, like I would after my abuser, and cry. Of course I realized this pattern later during therapy. Now, since you've put it this way, it really makes sense. That's why I was not sure if I wanted to cry or smile, Smile.

I'm happy for you that you're able to release these feelings within the confines of a marriage blessed by God. That must be such a good feeling to grow with your husband as you both get to know each other, increasing natural feelings.

Thank you for sharing this perspective with me. It really has shined a brighter light into this situation. My neighbor's comment had opened up a real can of worms for me. He made me feel that guilt, even though I was not doing anything to warrant that kind of scrutiny. A loose woman was no where near who I am, but for him to speculate that almost crushed me. I guess it was because of past issues. Not even to say that I am completely on the straight and narrow, but certainly not the way he, or maybe even other neighbors since he did, are possibly thinking. I did say to him that I'm probably the most undersexed woman on this block. I said it as I joked with him, but beneath that statement, there was hurt.

Sugaree

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#69217 - 07/25/04 11:52 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Knowing a little about brain physiology helps me understand and accept my own feelings. Knowing that what I am experiencing is a part of how God has made me helps me accept my own emotions more easily. I hope it will help you to know what you are feeling is nothing to fear, but a reason to rejoice.

I cannot truly understand the pain of child sexual abuse, because I have not experienced it, but I can identify with being married young. I was married at 17 which for me was to avoid premrital sex. Sex for me was always a joy until a couple of years ago when a man I thought was a friend tried to rape me. I somehow fought him off, but it made me so ashamed. I blamed myself. I even felt guilty for wearing a shell top and shorts. It was crazy.
As a result of that pain though, I experienced God's love in a whole new way. While I was recovering from that experience I heard God's voice. I absolutely heard him saying that I was his child and he loved me. He said he wanted me to stop hurting his child, myself.
His voice was as plain as day and I realized that I really was hurting myself. I was attempting to be intimate with a man outside marriage and it was not who I was. I was raised in a church by a strict mother and it simply was not who I was and I didn't want it to be what I had become.
I promised God right then and there not to have sex outside marriage ever again. I just suddenly knew that God would be there for me and even if I was alone I would never be lonely. I felt it in my heart as a promise from God.
I kept my promise to God and he kept his to me. I dated after that, a lot, but sex was no longer an issue. I made my position clear up front and guess what? It made me more attractive to men and I had more dates and more fun than ever.
Then I met Dan and boy was sex ever an issue again. But God protected me from myself and we were married when we at last came together and it was in love.

I have no answers and through my life, it seems as if every time I think I've got things figured out, something happens to prove me wrong. That knowledge is always looming out there in the recesses of my mind, but I'm determined to enjoy the moments while they are here safe in the knowledge that I am God's child so he wants the best for me.
You are his child also and He wants the best for you too.
smile

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#69218 - 07/26/04 01:46 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
lalapaloosa Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 223
Loc: Winters, California
Let's get this straight. "Protruding prizes" do not equal love.

You do need some time off, my dear! I have a dear friend I went to lunch with today. She is divorced and a wonderful, very horny person....bad combo. She really feels that she needs at least a year off from men to just find out who she is. She married very young and never had an opportunity to discover who she is. It is really hard for her because she is a very sexual person. I was telling her about my new nighties, etc. I had purchased (sexy ones) and she said, "please! Don't even tell me right now! I can't handle it" She wants to concentrate on her relationship with God and find out who she is and what hobbies she likes, etc.
You need a break and a constructive hobby. And you, like my friend Gwen, need to discover who you really are without the distraction of a man hovering around and taking the edge off of what you NEED to feel and discover. Sometimes feelings of loneliness, pain, frustration, etc. illuminate areas we need healing in. Let the emotions surface and deal with each area as they come up. It may take a while, but you will be glad you did. And, Sugaree, listen to your kids about going back to church. Find out what God's word says about stuff, spend time in God's presence. Let Him heal you up.

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#69219 - 07/26/04 01:50 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
lalapaloosa Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 223
Loc: Winters, California
Sugaree,
I didn't mean to come across so harshly. I re-read my post..yes I did preview it...and thought it may sound just a little hard. I didn't mean it that way. I agree with smilin. But, do take time off to discover who you are and what you really like.

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