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#69200 - 07/24/04 07:23 AM Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Well, after I finished venting, I re-read this and figured it was a bit too long...but, then my HEART ACHE made me continue posting...

Ladies, you be the judge. Does this post belong in the Mental Illness Forum?

I’ll try to keep this ‘singlehood’ plight as inexplicit as possible. Here goes…

Almost one year to date after a breakup with one of the most unique men I’ve ever had the displeasure of loving, I ran into an acquaintance of yet another old old flame. Mind you, the year before that, I had just left a 10yr plus relationship that was not conducive to much love, therefore, ended pretty abruptly to say the least. (That story was posted in “Faith Journey” just a while ago. It will also be posted on Toni’s site soon. SMILE!)

I gave our mutual acquaintance my phone number to give to “Lance.” He called that very evening and we made plans to see each other the weekend. The weekend came and how lovely it was. We caught up on old times, the good and the bad. We both had aged and grown since our last encounter. He’d just come out of a terrible situation that left him prepared for growth. I too had been through a series of emotional roll-a-coasters.

My career was in its prime at a top fortune 100 company and he was working at a job that had room for growth. We would only meet on the weekends at my place while my children were with their father, or just away. We shared our favorite music. He told me that through out the years we hadn’t seen each other, he always thought of me when a specific songstress came on the radio or otherwise. We, of course, would listen to her music with candle light dinners, drinks and mega conversations, laughs that ultimately ended up in CARNAL BLISS.

Carnal bliss? Yeah, funny that I mentioned that huh? Well, to cut straight to the chase so that you all can determine if this is indeed a MENTAL ILLNESS POST, no time will I waste. Since I’d been married since I was 17, divorced from him at 23 and re-involved for 10 more years with someone else, I had of course, had my share of sex. BUT, also since I’d been sexually abused as a child, I was a bit fridged. Of course there were good times in that department, but, for the most part, I faked. I thought that was the ‘dutiful’ thing to do.

Well, that was until Mr. Lance came along. I’d always thought that ‘it’ was so overrated! Never, ever in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that ‘it’ could be so blissful. I’m talkin’ explosive, convulsive ecstasy here. I was stunned into believing that our lust must’ve meant love since NO ONE ELSE had ever made me feel that way. All too soon my lips, no, our lips confessed love.

‘Lance’ and I started having monetary issues. He was concerned that I was spending when it should be the man’s position. Well, I had the better job, at that point, and did not mind. No major purchases were involved…basic things like our dinner and wine/beer and new music and movies for our weekend rendezvous. He got a raise! He started providing these things. Great, huh? NOT! He didn’t get that much of a raise. He gave himself an ‘illegal’ raise!

Suddenly he had a nice car, clothes and a few other purchases that I was really happy for him to have since ‘me’ spending was making him feel less than a man. This relationship continued for a year straight…sweet and certainly blissful. He had stopped coming around as often but I attributed it to his extra responsibilities with his new position/raise. Silly, naïve me.

Well, there were two things I didn’t take into consideration: His illegal activity and his new extra woman! All too soon, the Feds caught up with him and the cat was out of the bag. He went ‘away’ for 3yrs! Since I had never ever in life dealt with such kind of man and he had been ‘busted’ with another, I tried my best not to love him. I told him that we could still be friends and continued to communicate with him and even visited him in his new federal home, occasionally.

He changed the subject of friendship on me. He started discussing marriage and how sorry he was for hurting me. Like a woman in love will do, I forgave him. As ‘socially embarrassing’ as it was to be affiliated with such a man, I made plans anew for us. I dismissed what people had to say. I truly believed ‘we’ could make it through those, now 2yrs, to freedom.

I became his psycho-therapist/lover. We discussed what made him do this illegal act that landed him there. I guess he laid the guilt trip on me when he said that he only wanted to be able to do the things for me that I was accustomed to a man doing (since he was a family acquaintance, he knew the financial status of my ex). How sweet, huh? Only now I need a therapist/lover to mend me back together.

I started feeding his narrow mind with books that offered food for thought…provocative business ideas… news worthy clippings on societal issues…letters not only confessing love, but great examples of the ‘hows’ and the ‘whys’ so many people, especially men like him, were turning to illegal means of economic survival.

I was actively trying to reshape an ‘embedded pattern,’ unbeknownst to me. He always responded in AWE. Like he’d never looked at it that way and our letters became messages with great substance. I was proud of his changes. I had helped build a man. I knew that God was not done with him yet, but neither was He with me. I thought we’d grow together. I thought that my man would come home strong and with a different perspective of life’s worth. I made the decision to stick by my man’s side, better or for worse. My man? Did I say that?

Let me end this now before my eye faucet starts as I recap these painful moments. Just one more point, Ok? If you’ve made it down this far, please forgive me for painting the entire canvas but I just had to ask this. Before anyone could give me an answer, I believed you needed to know where my heart has been and STILL is.

Continued here since this is so lengthy:

When he came home, I reintroduced him into a whole new world where there was no need for illegal supplementary income. Of course, we resumed the explosive carnal encounters to an even higher degree since he now ‘lived’ with me. Not a day passed that we weren’t wrapped in each other’s arms. So, it surely came as a surprise when he decided that ‘our life’ was boring or not what he is ‘accustomed’ to. All too soon, he started hanging out and drinking. Then, he decided that he wanted to go back to a life more familiar. Soon I found that he was ‘living’ with another woman.

HURT! CRYING! PAIN! FOR MONTHS and SOME MORE. HE CAME BACK. I ACCEPTED HIM. OH NO!

It didn’t matter WHO I dated, I only thought of ‘Lance.’ So, when he graced me with his egotistical reappearance, I was weakened with the agony of missing him. I opened my door, carefully though. He knew this and charmed his way back inside of me, in all ways….leave that up to imagination. Six months later, he’s back at his ‘ways.’

That was December 2003 when he left with the rest of my heart. This is eight months later and here I sit comtemplating our reunion. I have dated and dated, trying to get my mind off of this man. I simply cant. My feelings wont go away. I’ve heard it said, ‘No pain, no gain.” Is this just tooooo much? Or, am I living in a fairytale world where things SHOULD go perfectly smooth?

How many chances or rope do you give a man? I have no idea. All I know is that I still love him, or is this lust? When I re-open my heart’s door, I am miserable believing that he will hurt me again so I never fully get comfortable. When he’s gone, I am sweltering in passion's holocaust cause I only want him, his touch. How will I ever be able to genuinely date another with him stuck so deep inside my heart? With or without him, I am hurt, sad and ultimately LONELY.

Sugaree

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#69201 - 07/24/04 06:46 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sugaree, my two cents...if this should be in the mental illness forum it would be for his sake, not yours. [Wink]

Please don't see him again. If someone loved you so much they wouldn't continually hurt you the way he has. You my dear have done EVERYTHING imaginable to change this man and he can only live with temporary change until he slips baack to his old ways.

You deserve better. Please work at moving on.

I hope this doesn't sound too strong but you've put your heart and soul in this guy and it isn't staying with him until he's in need of your loving, caring, compassionate ways AGAIN!

I'm sorry you are so lonely. What are you doing to fill that loneliness. Maybe we can help you out there...give you some suggestions on how to go about it...

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#69202 - 07/24/04 10:00 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree, having been where you are and having written a book about being there, and having researched brain physiology for what seems like forever, I believe you may be enduring something that I have also endured. I believe I was addicted to my own endorphins. Maybe you are also. Endorphins are the morphine/heroin like substances secreted by the brain in response to pleasurable experiences.

I posted about it elsewhere on here a topic about abused women. I think women who persistently find and stay in abusive relationships are addicted to their own endorphins. It sounds as if this man is abusing your emotions which can be as destrucive as physical abuse. It is as confusing as sexual abuse because it feels good on some level at the same time it feels bad.

The rush of endorphins that occur when this guy returns after having left is similar to what occurs after a man abuses a woman then is repentant. Your own endorphins suppressed by pain for a while become much stronger and are released in greater amounts when the pain subsides. Endorphins are extremely addictive and when they are rushing through your body, they definitely stimulate feeling of lust and passion which feels very much like love. They also give us feelings of power which might feel like the power of love. You may persistently put yourself in situations of pain to suppress your endorphins unconsicously konwing that when the pain subsides, the rush will be greater.

Endorphins stimulate sexual passion which can be the beginning of love, but it is not always love. It may be merely lust. Only if it will wait and is sustained over time can it become love.
If this man's passion comes from love, he will wait. He will wait forever if it is real. So will you. If he is unwilling to wait. If he is unkind, get away from him forever. Passion is a wonderful thing, but love is the best and most wonderful thing of all. You need and deserve it. Sex without it is just sex. Sex with it is wonderful. You deserve both and this man may be keeping you from the blessings you deserve.
smile

[ July 24, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#69203 - 07/24/04 10:47 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
Sherri Offline
Member

Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 1177
Loc: Decatur, Illinois
Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. You are better off to dump the guy and close yourmind against him. He is destrucive and detrimental to your mental health. I KNOW, I have been there, it is like an addiction that can't be satisfied.

THere will be someone for you. I found themost wonderful man on earth and we have been married now for 11 years. I had decided after being in an emotionally abusive marriage for 24 years, and then that stupid interlude with the other guy, my husband Steve as a God send and truly saved my sanity.

Sherri

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#69204 - 07/24/04 11:05 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
Peggy Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/04
Posts: 8
Loc: Arizona
Oh Sugaree, I am by far not one to give advice on relationships, but if you feel you are a mental case then heaven help us all. To say that your relationship was based on lust would not be a fair assumption, but I can relate to it in some way. Not too long ago I entered a new topic in regard to a relationship I had with a man, and when it ended, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I too, felt like a mental case and I desperately wanted the pain to end so badly that I almost took my own life. The hardest thing for me to accept was the fact that not only did I put my all into this relationship, for the first time in my life, I experienced sex that filled me up. I had also been molested as a child and raped later in life. So, when I experienced sex in a way that I never felt possible, it had to be love. The last 3 mos. of our relationship, we did not have sex at all. I can't begin to know what he was going through or why he ended our relationship. He never told me, just moved on to the next woman as he has always done in the past. It wouldn't be honest of me to say to you that I'm OK now, because I'm not. I have a long way to go. But one thing I know is true, you did not deserve to be treated so cruely, and that is not love. You gave 100+% to this relationship and in doing so abandoned yourself. There are many men out there who prey on women who are not afraid to give. He is the sick one, not you. You now know that it is within you to have a truely fulfilling sexual relationship, despite your childhood abuse. Look at yourself as your own very best and dearest friend and the precious child of a loving God. You deserve a man who wants to share all life has to offer with you, good and bad. Please read the wonderful posts that women such as yourself left me with. Some are humorous, and some brought me to tears, but they are all filled with compassion and a valuable truth. My topic was "When a Relationship Ends" and it is under "Friends Heal Friends". [Smile]

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#69205 - 07/24/04 11:08 PM Re: Passion Holocaust
Peggy Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/04
Posts: 8
Loc: Arizona
P.S. JawJaw..can you please send Gweedo this woman's way?!! [Big Grin] [Mad]

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#69206 - 07/25/04 12:22 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
lalapaloosa Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 223
Loc: Winters, California
Shugie,

Run, do not walk, as fast as you can from "Lance".
Do not talk to him, open the door to him, answer the phone if it is him, open any mail from him...stay as far away as you can!!

You need time to grieve, to heal up and move on.

I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry that he took advantage of your love. And I am so sorry that you are feeling like a nut basket, mental case. You have just been emotionally beat up so you have a good excuse for being so mentally confused, and hurt.

Wish I lived closer...where do you live anyways? We could get together and go out to the movies, dinner, the coast, shopping, lunch, any old thing to keep you occupied and help you get through this. (Oooh! We could ride the ferry to SF. I love that.)

I understand the obsessing you are experiencing, and I don't envy you having to work through this.

I will be praying for you because it has been my experience that God hears my prayers (okay,not just mine) and answers them and it sounds like you could use some ministering angels soothing your heart and spirit right about now, and some warfaring angels fighting on your behalf! Oh yeah!

Hugs,
Lala

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#69207 - 07/25/04 12:54 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Sherri Offline
Member

Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 1177
Loc: Decatur, Illinois
Do I sense a common thread? I also was molested as a child.

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#69208 - 07/25/04 01:45 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Toni Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 504
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sugaree,

I have to agree with the above women. I, too, have been there, done that, and it hurts like heck!

I believe you made an excellent point about the 'abuse' and how it affects your adult life. I was abused sexually in my 20's and it affected my other relationships with men and sometimes it still affects my relationship with my husband.

I believe that some of it 'is' mental because the relationship and abuse is so personal and, in my opinion, Freudian. What happens in our youth, does affect our adult years because our minds and bodies are still forming and growing.

Like the above ladies mentioned, dump him--for he will only continue to hurt and use you. You deserve better. You can conquer the obsessive thoughts with God's help. I can say this because God brought me through several 'awful' times with men.

Keep us posted as to how it goes and know that we care about you...

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#69209 - 07/25/04 03:28 AM Re: Passion Holocaust
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Oh my goodness! Thanks for letting me know that I'm not a basket case with this situation. Such input sure does help. I would like to say that I'm glad that you all understand, but thats almost like saying that I'm glad you endured such painful moments too. I'm not, but, since you have and were women enough to share so that I wouldn't feel so alone in this, THANK YOU.

It feels like I'm loosing it becasue I know that I should run, not answer calls, mail like Lala put it.

I know that I should close my mind like Sherry says...

...Smile, morphine has a reputation of taking it's patient/victim far away to lala land...that's where Lance took me. I guess youre right. My own endorphines are doing this cause in MY right mind, I wouldn't even consider him again and want to kick my own tail for going there in the first place.

Peggey, I know from the post in Friends Heal Friends that you know this passion holocaust.

Dots, I am doing many things to combat this lonely feeling, but none that really matters. I went to a Champagne brunch today. It was nice. I enjoyed the conversations, the flirts...Lance was still stuck in my mind as one gentleman? joined me to chat. He talked a real good game. He was married w/problems! Who believes these idiots? Is that supposed to be how they 'rap' these days, telling their prospective conquests that they are having marital problem? This community is so small that it turns out that I knew his wife! His last name is different so I asked him if he knew 'Betty' with his last name. He admitted that she was his wife then continued to come on to me! What a jerk!

Once upon a time, a woman that 'Lance' was 'with' called me! She said, "Oh, you're the Sheree that Lance is always refering to." As much as that hurt and as sick as this sounds, that made me feel 'good' to know that I too was on his mind. Shortly afterwards, he called to apologize for that and we started up 'other' plans. Nothing ever came of that cause see, the woman was so pissed at him for talking to me that they got into it. He HIT her, from what I've heard, very hard which landed him in jail for domestic abuse. I guess the reason I thinking I have serious mental issues is that I've somehow rationalized that he never hit me and for some dumb reason, think that he wouldnt ever. Ha! I do know better than that, but, my silly heart wont listen.

It's almost like my heart is premeditating to let him come here...by really wanting him to call, despite my much better judgement to get my 'endorphin' fix..LOL-Smile- dont you laugh [Roll Eyes]

Toni and Sherri, I'm sorry that you both have had the misfortunes of sexual deviants. That really does affect how/what our adult healthy sex life will be like. I'm going to ask Smile for her info on the endorphine rush for this. This is just out of control madness to even be considering this. But, like I mentioned, no one had ever taken me to the plateau and my mind as well as body got the signals all confused.

What's even funnier is that when I confessed love to him 'out of bed' one time, he looked at me real strange then said, "Oh, you've got it confused." I argued with him that I didn't. I argued my point that I was comfortable with him since we've known each other forever and our families already know one another and WHEW! the list went on. He still had that smurky look. I guess he should have known since he's probably done this to many women. It's just so hard to believe that he could have faked loving me the way he did.

Before we 'did it' the first time, he'd told me that he hadn't in about six mos. It had been a year for me. We 'did it' ELEVEN TIMES that eve til morning, with only a snack and water break!

So, Smile, I guess my poor body had an overdose of endorphines!

Toni, you know the funny thing about this situation? This was one year after my Signals from God incidents. I actually knew better! But, my plans were to marry him so to make it right. I though I was still in Gods arms but somehow satin had slipped in on me. I really thought, based on all the other incidents, that Lance was a part of the glorious picture. But, in hindsight, I think about all of the 'red' lights that I ignored.

Sugaree

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