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#69165 - 07/16/04 03:16 AM Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
It appeared that this forum was needed. Now, no one is posting.

Well, let me tell you something anyway.

All praise to God, I woke up again this morning. I looked at my surroundings to assure myself that I was not still lost in the dream I'd had. I got up, tended to my hygiens...regular routine things. I went to the mirror one more time than usual though. I looked at me.

The reason I'd revisited myself in the mirror was due to the persisting thoughts of my dream. In my dream, I didn't trust anyone. There were several men that attempted to court me but I ran and ran and ran. I actually woke up tired!

So, instead of my normal routine, work on my projects, work, clean, et cetera, I called a man that had been persuing me for quite some time now.

I thought about all of the loving things he'd done to gain my attention. I thought about the things I'd do to dissuade him. I thought about how many 'I' pushed away in an effort NOT to feel anyone...or the pain that has persisted after each relationship.

Now I'm wondering if I'm single because of my many broken hearts. Was the last shatter the grand finale? How does one know this?

Sugaree

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#69166 - 07/16/04 06:18 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Toni Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 504
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sugaree,

I've been in your position; although it's been a long time ago and perhaps you hit on something...

I, too, set aside (put away) several suitors because in most cases, I knew in my heart they were not for me. I'm not sure about your experiences, I can only speak for me...

I'm glad that I didn't get involved with most of them because their goals in life and their 'character' did not jive with mine.

After many years of waiting, I finally met the man I am now married to and it happened after a fervant prayer to God, seeking his help in finding a 'good man.' My prayer was answered the following day and I've been married to this good man for over 33 years.

Don't give up and if you think it might help, turn to God and seek His help.

This is only a suggestion and I give it to you because of what happened to me.

Let us know, if you want, what your future plans are for this?

Someone whose been there...

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#69167 - 07/16/04 06:37 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Well, Toni, I think that's the only way that I will trust someone. I will have to believe that God intended this union. I have done this on my own far too long and the results have been very unsatisfying.

I will have to 'let go and let God' in this matter. I can assume from your post and a few others that you 'knew' it when you met him (the good man). That has been my problem too. Not sure if I can trust anyone. Maybe it will work just like yours and many others has. I will just know.

But, does that mean that I don't date anyone anymore? I really do hate dating, but is there another way to get to know if the person is right for me?

Sugaree

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#69168 - 07/17/04 07:23 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Dear Sugaree: I've read and heard that it's a good idea to get to know a man as a friend before anything else. That way you are equipped to make a better decision on whether or not he is the right man for you or not.

Hope this helps.

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#69169 - 07/17/04 07:41 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Sugaree: I remember reading a book titled " I gave God time" by Ann Kiemel Anderson.

It's a story about trusting God to lead her to the right man for her and HE did, in His time! I don't know where that book is now. but if you can find one, it is definitely inspiring! [Smile]

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#69170 - 07/16/04 08:20 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Thanks Songbird. I will put that on my list of books to purchase. Actually, I will bump that one up in the top 5 category. [Wink]

That's true that it's good to know a man as a friend first. Unfortunately, dating has changed quite a bit. Now I have a new mission; finding one that can take things slow. LOL. That should be challenge.

Sugaree

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#69171 - 07/16/04 08:24 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Toni Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 504
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sugaree,

I wouldn't put dating away quite yet; perhaps you might consider different places to meet men. I met my husband at college and found some nice men in church. Also some social gatherings--places where you interests are more in sync with other men-- can be ways to meet some good men.

I can also say and I think other women here in the Forum might say, that when you meet the right man, your heart will practically 'jump' for joy! You will know deep down inside of you that he's the one for you.

Listen to the "little woman's" voice inside of you--your conscience--and you won't go wrong.

When I was making a decision between two men--on who to choose for marriage--I asked my father, what should I do? This may sound corny but with his advice and my heart speaking to me, I made my decision.

His advice was, "Who would you save, if both of them were drowning?" I thought for a moment and I loved both of them but I knew that I would save Roy because he was the one who needed me the most--and the one who loved and fought for me the most..

Hope this helps; for it helped me when I was struggling so bad....

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#69172 - 07/16/04 08:42 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree,
Sounds to me like you're having a great life RIGHT NOW. Enjoy it. I love being married and I loved being single.
Being alone was difficult only at first. Over time I came to love the adventure of it. I had more fun than most of the married women I knew and I learned a lot. I appreciated every moment of being alive. I still do. You can also.

Don't pray for a man. God is not a dating service. Don't pray for a husband. God is not a marriage broker.
Our God is the God of love. Pray to know His love and show in your life every day. The right man, if there is one, will come along. If no man comes along, either you or him or both are not ready.
Leave the whole issue up to God and accept the joy He gives you in every day.

Just my advice.
smile

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#69173 - 07/16/04 08:54 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Wow Toni. You were in the position to have TWO worthy of your love to the point that you had to make a decision like that. Impressed. Well, I'm happy for you that you had/have a father that gave you such great advise.

I don't nor have I ever. I know that little girls that were raised by their great fathers find it easier to love a man and choose one for marriage. I've dealt with many issues pertaining to my father and they were all negative ones.

If a man were to find me that remotely reminded me of my father, he'd better run and very very fast as far away from me as possible.

In one of my many psychology classes, one of the most persisting patterns of the human mind is that we vicariously situate our live based on the 'familiars.' Unfortunately, that is for the good and the bad.

Well, I have been there. I married a 'father' figure man in which was abusive. I placed myself back into what was familiar. Now that I have been delivered from vicarious sublimanl curiosity, I am left bare, trying to figure out WHAT kind of man suits me best. Of course I can choose one like an uncle that treated his wife well, or someone, but those are the things missed when a child grows up feeling the love of the very first man in their lives.

I'm even concerned about my daughter now. She is 17, very attractive, smart and well rounded. Her peers/close friends date now. She doesn't. Those friends were all raised with a great father in their lives.

It actually hurts me to think that my issues have trickled down as a vicious cycle in her social life (I did divorce my husband before she was damaged in thinking that SHE should marry an abuser, thank God!).

I can tell that she is dealing with what I am. Her friends have boyfriends/mates and she doesn't. She went to prom with a friend vs someone she cares about as a boyfriend. Well, she's young. I've shared with her the concept Toni mentioned earlier about finding a man in college. I shared that with my son as well long ago. I told them both that the apples are plumper when they're in college where the goals are evident.

For me, I was already married and had children before I went back to college. When I did, as an adult, every man in the adult evening classes were married. Every woman too. I, again, was the only single person there. It didn't feel good then either. Of course, during little small chat or even in the beginning when we all introduced ourselves, they all told how long they'd been married as part of getting to know them better. I had to say the big "D" word, divorced.

This was not the traditional college courses where we would mingle with others. It was just the 20 of us that met every Thursday evening at 6 for 2yrs straight. The only changes were the professors. I did meet one nice professor that was single though. He commuted to Milwaukee on the one day he taught and had another job in Chicago. It was not very conducive to a relationship. I guess.

Oh well, as you can see, I can go on and on.

IF you made it down this far, thanks for reading my whine. [Razz]

Sugaree

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#69174 - 07/16/04 11:00 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Toni Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 504
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sugaree,

You've made some fine points on 'familiarily.' Indeed, most of us do what we feel familiar with or can identify with.

My father wasn't perfect; in fact, there were times when I was afraid of him but deep inside, I know that he loved me. Through the years, my father has not aged well and has become bitter. Life, for him, did not turn out the way he wanted it to. I think he tried too hard and expected 'perfection' in himself and in his family. This used to bother me but now I understand that this is his way of coping with life.

Didn't mean to go on. It is my hope and prayer that you find that someone who is 'worthy' of you but if not, you can build your life on your own dreams, aspirations and goals. From your writing I can tell that you will do well!

Let us know how it goes for you, if you want...

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