It appeared that this forum was needed. Now, no one is posting.

Well, let me tell you something anyway.

All praise to God, I woke up again this morning. I looked at my surroundings to assure myself that I was not still lost in the dream I'd had. I got up, tended to my hygiens...regular routine things. I went to the mirror one more time than usual though. I looked at me.

The reason I'd revisited myself in the mirror was due to the persisting thoughts of my dream. In my dream, I didn't trust anyone. There were several men that attempted to court me but I ran and ran and ran. I actually woke up tired!

So, instead of my normal routine, work on my projects, work, clean, et cetera, I called a man that had been persuing me for quite some time now.

I thought about all of the loving things he'd done to gain my attention. I thought about the things I'd do to dissuade him. I thought about how many 'I' pushed away in an effort NOT to feel anyone...or the pain that has persisted after each relationship.

Now I'm wondering if I'm single because of my many broken hearts. Was the last shatter the grand finale? How does one know this?

Sugaree

Sugaree,

I've been in your position; although it's been a long time ago and perhaps you hit on something...

I, too, set aside (put away) several suitors because in most cases, I knew in my heart they were not for me. I'm not sure about your experiences, I can only speak for me...

I'm glad that I didn't get involved with most of them because their goals in life and their 'character' did not jive with mine.

After many years of waiting, I finally met the man I am now married to and it happened after a fervant prayer to God, seeking his help in finding a 'good man.' My prayer was answered the following day and I've been married to this good man for over 33 years.

Don't give up and if you think it might help, turn to God and seek His help.

This is only a suggestion and I give it to you because of what happened to me.

Let us know, if you want, what your future plans are for this?

Someone whose been there...

Well, Toni, I think that's the only way that I will trust someone. I will have to believe that God intended this union. I have done this on my own far too long and the results have been very unsatisfying.

I will have to 'let go and let God' in this matter. I can assume from your post and a few others that you 'knew' it when you met him (the good man). That has been my problem too. Not sure if I can trust anyone. Maybe it will work just like yours and many others has. I will just know.

But, does that mean that I don't date anyone anymore? I really do hate dating, but is there another way to get to know if the person is right for me?

Sugaree

Dear Sugaree: I've read and heard that it's a good idea to get to know a man as a friend before anything else. That way you are equipped to make a better decision on whether or not he is the right man for you or not.

Hope this helps.

Sugaree: I remember reading a book titled " I gave God time" by Ann Kiemel Anderson.

It's a story about trusting God to lead her to the right man for her and HE did, in His time! I don't know where that book is now. but if you can find one, it is definitely inspiring!

Thanks Songbird. I will put that on my list of books to purchase. Actually, I will bump that one up in the top 5 category.

That's true that it's good to know a man as a friend first. Unfortunately, dating has changed quite a bit. Now I have a new mission; finding one that can take things slow. LOL. That should be challenge.

Sugaree

Sugaree,

I wouldn't put dating away quite yet; perhaps you might consider different places to meet men. I met my husband at college and found some nice men in church. Also some social gatherings--places where you interests are more in sync with other men-- can be ways to meet some good men.

I can also say and I think other women here in the Forum might say, that when you meet the right man, your heart will practically 'jump' for joy! You will know deep down inside of you that he's the one for you.

Listen to the "little woman's" voice inside of you--your conscience--and you won't go wrong.

When I was making a decision between two men--on who to choose for marriage--I asked my father, what should I do? This may sound corny but with his advice and my heart speaking to me, I made my decision.

His advice was, "Who would you save, if both of them were drowning?" I thought for a moment and I loved both of them but I knew that I would save Roy because he was the one who needed me the most--and the one who loved and fought for me the most..

Hope this helps; for it helped me when I was struggling so bad....

Sugaree,
Sounds to me like you're having a great life RIGHT NOW. Enjoy it. I love being married and I loved being single.
Being alone was difficult only at first. Over time I came to love the adventure of it. I had more fun than most of the married women I knew and I learned a lot. I appreciated every moment of being alive. I still do. You can also.

Don't pray for a man. God is not a dating service. Don't pray for a husband. God is not a marriage broker.
Our God is the God of love. Pray to know His love and show in your life every day. The right man, if there is one, will come along. If no man comes along, either you or him or both are not ready.
Leave the whole issue up to God and accept the joy He gives you in every day.

Just my advice.
smile

Wow Toni. You were in the position to have TWO worthy of your love to the point that you had to make a decision like that. Impressed. Well, I'm happy for you that you had/have a father that gave you such great advise.

I don't nor have I ever. I know that little girls that were raised by their great fathers find it easier to love a man and choose one for marriage. I've dealt with many issues pertaining to my father and they were all negative ones.

If a man were to find me that remotely reminded me of my father, he'd better run and very very fast as far away from me as possible.

In one of my many psychology classes, one of the most persisting patterns of the human mind is that we vicariously situate our live based on the 'familiars.' Unfortunately, that is for the good and the bad.

Well, I have been there. I married a 'father' figure man in which was abusive. I placed myself back into what was familiar. Now that I have been delivered from vicarious sublimanl curiosity, I am left bare, trying to figure out WHAT kind of man suits me best. Of course I can choose one like an uncle that treated his wife well, or someone, but those are the things missed when a child grows up feeling the love of the very first man in their lives.

I'm even concerned about my daughter now. She is 17, very attractive, smart and well rounded. Her peers/close friends date now. She doesn't. Those friends were all raised with a great father in their lives.

It actually hurts me to think that my issues have trickled down as a vicious cycle in her social life (I did divorce my husband before she was damaged in thinking that SHE should marry an abuser, thank God!).

I can tell that she is dealing with what I am. Her friends have boyfriends/mates and she doesn't. She went to prom with a friend vs someone she cares about as a boyfriend. Well, she's young. I've shared with her the concept Toni mentioned earlier about finding a man in college. I shared that with my son as well long ago. I told them both that the apples are plumper when they're in college where the goals are evident.

For me, I was already married and had children before I went back to college. When I did, as an adult, every man in the adult evening classes were married. Every woman too. I, again, was the only single person there. It didn't feel good then either. Of course, during little small chat or even in the beginning when we all introduced ourselves, they all told how long they'd been married as part of getting to know them better. I had to say the big "D" word, divorced.

This was not the traditional college courses where we would mingle with others. It was just the 20 of us that met every Thursday evening at 6 for 2yrs straight. The only changes were the professors. I did meet one nice professor that was single though. He commuted to Milwaukee on the one day he taught and had another job in Chicago. It was not very conducive to a relationship. I guess.

Oh well, as you can see, I can go on and on.

IF you made it down this far, thanks for reading my whine.

Sugaree

Sugaree,

You've made some fine points on 'familiarily.' Indeed, most of us do what we feel familiar with or can identify with.

My father wasn't perfect; in fact, there were times when I was afraid of him but deep inside, I know that he loved me. Through the years, my father has not aged well and has become bitter. Life, for him, did not turn out the way he wanted it to. I think he tried too hard and expected 'perfection' in himself and in his family. This used to bother me but now I understand that this is his way of coping with life.

Didn't mean to go on. It is my hope and prayer that you find that someone who is 'worthy' of you but if not, you can build your life on your own dreams, aspirations and goals. From your writing I can tell that you will do well!

Let us know how it goes for you, if you want...

smilinize, that was a wonderful and right-on answer.

Sugaree, you came from and abusive childhood and an abusive marriage. You say you're really not interested in this man who's pursuing you. Two things come to mind when I read your posts, both here and in "Sad..." First, you may be subliminally rejecting this man because you don't feel you deserve him. Even though you showed strength in walking away from an abusive husband, do you truly believe that YOU are worth the best that life can offer? Our destinies are determined not only by how we respond to adversity, but also in how we embrace joy.

Second, is your fear of being hurt again keeping you from being open to that joy?

Meredith- you are soooo able to hit the nail on the head. I can not speak for Sugaree but you make such good sense to me.

Lynn

Since I have been ill, I have been examining my life. Where I am today at age 64 is not where I should be. I have squandered my lifes chances always looking for greener grass. I suppose I never thought I'd get old and become ill. I always felt there was someone or something wonderful ahead of me and I made some bad mistakes. I am single with a live in friend that I got to know well, we talked about everything and I felt I knew him. He is a decent man in many ways but I feel no love and wish he would disappear. He is not a good provider and working on finding him hundreth job. This has left me uninsured and afraid of the future. If I can stay well until next year I can get Medicare. I guess what I'm saying is make sure your financial future is secure when getting rid of a good provider who drinks or is distant. When you're healthy you feel brave but when stricken with illness the bravery is gone and the fear sets in. Like Toni said: Are you better off with him than without him? I'm not sure this post makes any sense to anyone, even me. Ever feel like you're between a rock and a hard place?

Smile, I appreciate that input, but if you put it that way, there is no need for a single's forum, LOL.

Toni, that's exactly what I meant though. Your first love from a man, even with his issues, were pure love that you could feel. Something to compare with.

Oh Chatty, I sure pray that you will be in better health soon, ok. Now, why did you have to go and bring that 'security' thingy up?! Since I am self-employed, that is an issue for me. Right now, in my good health, I can afford to pay for health insurance.

The man that is so nice that also repulses me to a fault IS the 'provider' type. But, occassionally when I have thought of being with him for those reasons, I also felt guilt. I prayed on that some time ago and came to the conclusion that he needs someone that will love him back, that will have his children, that will make love to him.

I was not trying to hurt him when I discussed all of those things with him. All he said was, "Let me make my own decisions. I am a grown man and I know who I want and it's you." That was so sweet of him, but, I fear God. I don't want to feel like I'm using him although he left the door wide open for me to. When I accept gifts from him, it is because he's told me that it makes him happy to give them to me. One time out of the many gifts he's given me, I gave him one. I gave it because I felt guilty. Not because it brought me the same joy.

I've often wondered if it is because I have been through such bad relationships that I don't know what to expect from the unfamiliars aforementioned. Like Meredith said, maybe I don't feel like I deserve his kind of love. But, I do know that he doesn't deserve me pretending for the gain of it either.

I've often heard it said over the years and still, that it is best to have a man that loves you more than you love him. I've already let one of these type go to someone else. We have remained friends and he often tells me the great things he does for his wife. I always think to myself, "That could have been my husband." But, I don't feel him that way either. Maybe I don't believe I'm worthy of the good one. Hmmm. Pray for me, please.

Oh, Smile. Sorry. I was not refering to the post where you made those wonderful points to Chatty it was this statement, the one before that one:

"Don't pray for a man. God is not a dating service. Don't pray for a husband. God is not a marriage broker.
Our God is the God of love. Pray to know His love and show in your life every day. The right man, if there is one, will come along. If no man comes along, either you or him or both are not ready.
Leave the whole issue up to God and accept the joy He gives you in every day."

Yes indeed we do need affirmations, daily too.

I agree with that statement too. But, just like any other ailment, it is very hard to pray for it to heal, then just let it go. You've made an excellent point though. I'll try.

I hope that Chatty really listened to what you said there. Chatty, that's so true. Sometime we do hit the bottom before we see the light. Since God is in your heart, I'm sure you will see His light too.

Sugaree

Sugaree,
Is there really anything else you can do except leave it up to God? Especially if you want the man He has for you? God knows your heart and He knows you better than you know yourself. He loves you so much, he will send you what is best for you, even if it is better than you could ever have imagined.
You can make yourself as attractive as possible both inside and out and you should, but finding a mate is ultimately all up to God.
Relax and know that and happiness will find you.
smile

Sugar,

You're resounding theme is very familiar to me....TRUST or lack thereof and a sense that you are not WORTHY. I am very, very familiar with both issues. And they are like the chicken and the egg debate....which is worse, which comes first? Worthiness.....what makes us worthy? One of my favorite scriptures talks of God engraving "your name on the palm of his hand". God finds you worthy enough to keep your name engraved in his hand, never to forget you. It took me years to believe in that level of God.
But worthiness truly begins at home, in our own soul....even seperate from God. We must believe in our own worth, not from any barometer of the world, but from the barometer of our own discernment. What do you find worthy in a person?
Kindness, love, generosity, patience, fairness, empathy? Don't you possess these qualities....I'm betting that you do.

My estrangement from my husband during his illness taught me many things, but one in particular. At midlife, I wondered if I really wanted to be part of a marriage, couple, commitment, whatever, for the rest of my life. The nine months of illness an separation taught me that yes in fact I did. However, I didn't want it with just anyone, I wanted it with my husband only! And I realized that he might never recover, might never return and I would spend the balance of my life as a single woman. I preferred that to being in a relationship that was about need and not want and mutual desire. I admire your determination to commit only to a genuine feeling. However, enter TRUST.

You don't trust, begining with trusting yourself. I can relate. Despite how far I've come, I still deal w/ self doubt all the time. And I have a very, very limited capacity for trusting others. You can never have a relationship without dealing with this issue and it too begins at home. You must find yourself worthy and you must learn to trust yourself based on that worthiness, that intellect, that loving nature.

I made bad choices in relationships for a long time before I ended up in the right one. And then last year, I was full of the thoughts that even the right one turned out to be the wrong one.
Fortunately, I hung on, trusted myself, believed in what I had invested in our marriage, found myself worthy and waited. We have survived, and are better people for the troubled times. Trust yourself to love, trust yourself to risk and go for it.

Oh and finally, try the public library.....interesting men there!!!!!

hugs,
kathryn

[QUOTE]Originally posted by smilinize:
[QB]Sugaree,
Is there really anything else you can do except leave it up to God?"

No, Smile. I've been there and done that own my own. So, you're right. There is no other way.

Katheryn, I'm happy that you worked through the 'midlife' issues and realize that your heart is where it belongs.

Ok, catch you all later! On my way to the 'public library!

Hello ladies, I can really identify with some of the things I read so far. Just wanted to join in.

Nickole, welcome. Glad you can relate to our lives. That's what it's all about. Please go to the welcome forum and tell us more about yourself. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Hi there, sure I'll do that.

I thought about all of the loving things he'd done to gain my attention. I thought about the things I'd do to dissuade him. I thought about how many 'I' pushed away in an effort NOT to feel anyone...or the pain that has persisted after each relationship.
Now I'm wondering if I'm single because of my many broken hearts. Was the last shatter the grand finale? How does one know this?
================================================================
Your many broken hearts or the many hearts that you have broken sugaree??
Here's something that very, very, few women actually know.

In Australia, post divorce trauma, leads one in thirteen divorced men to suicide. If that doesn’t sound like a high figure then consider that the suicide rate caused by post rape trauma is less than one in a hundred rape victims. Not only is divorce Australia’s biggest cause of suicide. It’s double all the rest of the causes put together. It’s a body count equal to the national road toll and its the biggest sigle killer of mid aged men. And the figures would be similar in the USA.
That’s the kind of trauma that you can’t even imagine but I’ll dwell on the issue of post rape trauma for comparison even if not a good one. A girlfriend of yours is coming home from a hot date, dressed to the nines, in really sexy gear. She’s accosted in a back street and raped. In court the rapist comes out with the usual drivel that she was asking for it because the was wearing sexy clothing. The court dismisses that excuse and jails him anyway. Tell me this Lindsey, would you ever expect your friend, still suffering post rape trauma, to ever wear that same clothing again? Would you be surprised if she burned it?

There’s your answer. As you age so too do the men you are dating. And your heart break are nothing compared to theirs. (Yes I know that sounds impossible when you rea all the weeping and bleatiing on these boards but its a fact nonetheless.)

Sugaree!
Are you still thinking about all of the loving things he'd done to gain my attention, and about the things I'd do to dissuade him.about how many you "pushed away in an effort NOT to feel anyone."..or the pain that has persisted after each relationship
Thas why you are single.
The men are so badly hurt that its rare, and oftenillegal under stalking laws, for them to do any "loving things to gain yur attention" And dont even contemplate pusing anyone away. The next man you "push away" will be the last one to ever show any interest in you. Trust me on that.
Dovorced men are not re born swinging batcheolors. They are hurt. Badly!