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#69175 - 07/17/04 01:21 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
smilinize, that was a wonderful and right-on answer. [Wink]

Sugaree, you came from and abusive childhood and an abusive marriage. You say you're really not interested in this man who's pursuing you. Two things come to mind when I read your posts, both here and in "Sad..." First, you may be subliminally rejecting this man because you don't feel you deserve him. Even though you showed strength in walking away from an abusive husband, do you truly believe that YOU are worth the best that life can offer? Our destinies are determined not only by how we respond to adversity, but also in how we embrace joy.

Second, is your fear of being hurt again keeping you from being open to that joy?

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#69176 - 07/17/04 02:11 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
Lynn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 621
Loc: pennsylvania
Meredith- you are soooo able to hit the nail on the head. I can not speak for Sugaree but you make such good sense to me.

Lynn

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#69177 - 07/17/04 02:23 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Since I have been ill, I have been examining my life. Where I am today at age 64 is not where I should be. I have squandered my lifes chances always looking for greener grass. I suppose I never thought I'd get old and become ill. I always felt there was someone or something wonderful ahead of me and I made some bad mistakes. I am single with a live in friend that I got to know well, we talked about everything and I felt I knew him. He is a decent man in many ways but I feel no love and wish he would disappear. He is not a good provider and working on finding him hundreth job. This has left me uninsured and afraid of the future. If I can stay well until next year I can get Medicare. I guess what I'm saying is make sure your financial future is secure when getting rid of a good provider who drinks or is distant. When you're healthy you feel brave but when stricken with illness the bravery is gone and the fear sets in. Like Toni said: Are you better off with him than without him? I'm not sure this post makes any sense to anyone, even me. Ever feel like you're between a rock and a hard place?

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#69178 - 07/17/04 03:27 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
quote:
Originally posted by chatty lady:

#1 I have squandered my lifes chances always looking for greener grass.

#2 I suppose I never thought I'd get old and become ill.

#3 I always felt there was someone or something wonderful ahead of me and I made some bad mistakes.

#4 Ever feel like you're between a rock and a hard place?

Chatty, I quoted and numbered the points I am addressing above.
#1, You have NOT squandered your chances. There are a million chances still ahead of you and you have a lot of life left. Weigh the risk and take the chances that will benefit YOU, not just in the future, but in the adventure of the moment.

#2, You may be ill, but you will be better soon. And you are certainly NOT old. In fact, you are one of the YOUNGEST people on this site. So don't leave your youthful spirit behind. We need your sweet cheerful voice. (and great recipes too)

#3, We have all made mistakes and there are still many someones and wonderful things ahead for all of us. You included. Just open eyes to it and you will see the wonder.

#4, We are all between a rock and a hard place. The only way out is to burrow under the rock to rest then climb out and FLY.

When you are on the bottom, the only way is up. And sometimes you have to touch the bottom in order to bounce off and come to the surface.

Before you can "get over" something like what you are experiencing you must "get past" it and the only to "get past" it is to "go through" it.
Don't fight the bad feelings, rest and let them happen. When they're over move on. The bad times will return, but each time you will be stronger and even in adversity you will thrive.

All that may sound trite, but I've been where you are. I have been flat on my back, bleeding and broken, in pain, facing multiple surgeries with no insurance, no money, no mate to help, and two children to support. I not only survived, with God's help, I thrived. You can too.

smile

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#69179 - 07/17/04 03:41 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Smile, I appreciate that input, but if you put it that way, there is no need for a single's forum, LOL.

Toni, that's exactly what I meant though. Your first love from a man, even with his issues, were pure love that you could feel. Something to compare with.

Oh Chatty, I sure pray that you will be in better health soon, ok. Now, why did you have to go and bring that 'security' thingy up?! Since I am self-employed, that is an issue for me. Right now, in my good health, I can afford to pay for health insurance.

The man that is so nice that also repulses me to a fault IS the 'provider' type. But, occassionally when I have thought of being with him for those reasons, I also felt guilt. I prayed on that some time ago and came to the conclusion that he needs someone that will love him back, that will have his children, that will make love to him.

I was not trying to hurt him when I discussed all of those things with him. All he said was, "Let me make my own decisions. I am a grown man and I know who I want and it's you." That was so sweet of him, but, I fear God. I don't want to feel like I'm using him although he left the door wide open for me to. When I accept gifts from him, it is because he's told me that it makes him happy to give them to me. One time out of the many gifts he's given me, I gave him one. I gave it because I felt guilty. Not because it brought me the same joy.

I've often wondered if it is because I have been through such bad relationships that I don't know what to expect from the unfamiliars aforementioned. Like Meredith said, maybe I don't feel like I deserve his kind of love. But, I do know that he doesn't deserve me pretending for the gain of it either.

I've often heard it said over the years and still, that it is best to have a man that loves you more than you love him. I've already let one of these type go to someone else. We have remained friends and he often tells me the great things he does for his wife. I always think to myself, "That could have been my husband." But, I don't feel him that way either. Maybe I don't believe I'm worthy of the good one. Hmmm. Pray for me, please. [Eek!]

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#69180 - 07/17/04 04:20 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
quote:
Originally posted by Sugaree:
Smile, I appreciate that input, but if you put it that way, there is no need for a single's forum, LOL.
[Eek!]

I don't understand that. I thought the singles forum, like the others would give people a voice. In good times and in bad, we get to be heard.

Affirmations have been helpful to me both when I was single and married.
smile

[ July 16, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#69181 - 07/17/04 04:47 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Oh, Smile. Sorry. I was not refering to the post where you made those wonderful points to Chatty it was this statement, the one before that one:

"Don't pray for a man. God is not a dating service. Don't pray for a husband. God is not a marriage broker.
Our God is the God of love. Pray to know His love and show in your life every day. The right man, if there is one, will come along. If no man comes along, either you or him or both are not ready.
Leave the whole issue up to God and accept the joy He gives you in every day."

Yes indeed we do need affirmations, daily too.

I agree with that statement too. But, just like any other ailment, it is very hard to pray for it to heal, then just let it go. You've made an excellent point though. I'll try.

I hope that Chatty really listened to what you said there. Chatty, that's so true. Sometime we do hit the bottom before we see the light. Since God is in your heart, I'm sure you will see His light too.

Sugaree

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#69182 - 07/17/04 04:56 AM Re: Am I the only single here?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree,
Is there really anything else you can do except leave it up to God? Especially if you want the man He has for you? God knows your heart and He knows you better than you know yourself. He loves you so much, he will send you what is best for you, even if it is better than you could ever have imagined.
You can make yourself as attractive as possible both inside and out and you should, but finding a mate is ultimately all up to God.
Relax and know that and happiness will find you.
smile

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#69183 - 07/19/04 05:04 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Kathryn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/02
Posts: 317
Loc: Towson
Sugar,

You're resounding theme is very familiar to me....TRUST or lack thereof and a sense that you are not WORTHY. I am very, very familiar with both issues. And they are like the chicken and the egg debate....which is worse, which comes first? Worthiness.....what makes us worthy? One of my favorite scriptures talks of God engraving "your name on the palm of his hand". God finds you worthy enough to keep your name engraved in his hand, never to forget you. It took me years to believe in that level of God.
But worthiness truly begins at home, in our own soul....even seperate from God. We must believe in our own worth, not from any barometer of the world, but from the barometer of our own discernment. What do you find worthy in a person?
Kindness, love, generosity, patience, fairness, empathy? Don't you possess these qualities....I'm betting that you do.

My estrangement from my husband during his illness taught me many things, but one in particular. At midlife, I wondered if I really wanted to be part of a marriage, couple, commitment, whatever, for the rest of my life. The nine months of illness an separation taught me that yes in fact I did. However, I didn't want it with just anyone, I wanted it with my husband only! And I realized that he might never recover, might never return and I would spend the balance of my life as a single woman. I preferred that to being in a relationship that was about need and not want and mutual desire. I admire your determination to commit only to a genuine feeling. However, enter TRUST.

You don't trust, begining with trusting yourself. I can relate. Despite how far I've come, I still deal w/ self doubt all the time. And I have a very, very limited capacity for trusting others. You can never have a relationship without dealing with this issue and it too begins at home. You must find yourself worthy and you must learn to trust yourself based on that worthiness, that intellect, that loving nature.

I made bad choices in relationships for a long time before I ended up in the right one. And then last year, I was full of the thoughts that even the right one turned out to be the wrong one.
Fortunately, I hung on, trusted myself, believed in what I had invested in our marriage, found myself worthy and waited. We have survived, and are better people for the troubled times. Trust yourself to love, trust yourself to risk and go for it.

Oh and finally, try the public library.....interesting men there!!!!!

hugs,
kathryn

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#69184 - 07/19/04 08:13 PM Re: Am I the only single here?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
[QUOTE]Originally posted by smilinize:
[QB]Sugaree,
Is there really anything else you can do except leave it up to God?"

No, Smile. I've been there and done that own my own. So, you're right. There is no other way.

Katheryn, I'm happy that you worked through the 'midlife' issues and realize that your heart is where it belongs.

Ok, catch you all later! On my way to the 'public library! [Big Grin]

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