How many of you are aware that the bride's family doesn't pay for the entire wedding? How many of you know that the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol served at the reception?

I had to talk to my ex last night as our son is getting married next Sept. about splitting the cost on these two things. He was, or pretended to be, completely floored that he had to come up with any money for the wedding. But then, he's always liked to show up for things that he didn't have to pay for!

I wondered if I was the only one who knew these traditions. Oh, when I called I got my ex sister in law by mistake and we talked for about 30 minutes. It was great!

When my oldest daughter got married, it cost me thousands. His parents had the rehearsal dinner at their house-She boiled some hot dogs and I wound up giving the wedding party their gifts (another responsibiliy of the groom according to our wedding planner) at the reception.
His family opted for the grooms cake in liew of alcohol at the reception. His mother made a chocolate cake.
It was not that they couldn't afford a nice dinner or alcohol either. She's an attorney and he's a commercial pilot.
I just silently wrote checks because I wanted my daughter to be happy on Her day.
She was.
smile

I recall that the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner, and the bride's family paid for the reception. Did that change? I've never heard of the alcohol stipulation.

Yes Dotsie. I don't know when it changed but that's the way it's done now. Maybe somebody had compassion and decided there was too much pressure on the bride's family. Makes sense to me.

The little gal my son is marrying, just lost her father a few months ago and her mom is using what insurance money she has to fix her home so she can sell it. It's going to be very hard on her to carry the load and I'm sure my son will decide to pay for it. How, I don't know! Oh wait, yes I do! He'll ask me to do it for him!

Ah children...the gift that keeps on giving (and taking).

Well, I've never heard that one about the alcohol either and we've had an abundance of weddings in our family over the past 5 years. Ours of course, was just 5 years ago and a second marriage. Being the partents, we paid for the wedding, but we had a cash bar. Most weddings are cash bars these days anyway.

My daughter got married 4 years ago, next week. Between her father and I, we paid for most of the reception, but not the booze. Again, a cash bar.

We've married off one of my stepsons and my stepdaughter in the past 3 years. My husband paid for the whole wedding for his daughter, but not the alcohol and for his son, her divorced parents paid for the wedding but there was a cash bar. I'll have to ask him if he paid for the rehearsal dinners. I don't remember.

My first wedding - my father paid for the whole thing, including an open bar for a good portion of the reception. We finally shut it down.

I don't think anyone is obligated to pay for alcohol. I can't remember the last time I went to a wedding and didn't have to buy our own drinks. At my stepson's wedding however, his mother bought the alcohol. The town they got married in had funny laws. They only allowed alcohol if you supplied it and you couldn't charge for it.

Louisa

Louisa, that's interesting. I've never been to a wedding that had a cash bar. Different states, different customs?

We only have one daughter. Phew. The other two are sons. I hope they give us a financial break between college and weddings because eve if you don't pay for the wedding, there are lots of other expenses. I don't know how kids afford being in weddings these days. They have to buy dresses, have showers, give luncheons...it never ends. But, the memories are always great!

Wow. I never thought of that. I just figured it was the same everywhere. With the tightening of the drinking and driving laws and the soaring costs of weddings, people have gotten away from open bars. Much too dangerous and no one wants to be responsible. When people aren't paying for the alcohol, they tend to drink more. It also gets wasted. I for one, had no intention of paying for booze. At our wedding, (we had a brunch but it started at 11 A.M. so there was drinking eventually) we supplied a champagne toast and I think a bottle of wine at each table, but we had the hotel set up a bar in the ballroom, paid extra for the bartender, and anyone who wanted mixed beer or drinks, etc. got their own.

When I went to find a photographer, I was in shock What I thought would be a few hundred dollars turned out to be about $1200 and we didn't need mothers' books, etc. and there wasn't a church. It was all in the ballroom at the hotel. I thought it would be easy, but it was very expensive. But, I love pictures. We didn't get a big album either with 8x10s. Just 3 8x10s and a lot of smaller pictures, plus the throw away cameras and my own digital ones. My daughter got the same photographer for her wedding. She did an awesome job. Gina's wedding pictures cost more than twice what mine did, but they are beautiful. I bought my own and made up a mother's album of my own.

I wrote an article for the paper about a year ago on ways of cutting the cost of weddings.

I made my own invitations on the pc. Made my daughter's too.
Louisa

Maybe I should ask my son to consider a cash bar. All of your ideas make sense. I think I might end up doing the majority of the work as the bride's mother lives in another state, but then, so do it! She's a new widow and I know can't afford a big wedding. My son asked me if I'd come down a week or two ahead to help her but I don't want her mom to feel like I'm taking over. Touchy ground.

My Mom and Dad paid for my large bridal shower and for the wedding but his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. Eddie and I paid for the liquor ourselves once the wedding was done it was paid out of the envelopes of money we received plus we added some. I and Ed felt we should be responsible for some of the cost. We also each paid for our own bridesmaids and ushers gifts. The kids should chip in for something. I never knew there was a set in stone bunch of wedding rules of who pays for what. It should be discussed and decided mutually between all parties including the bride and groom to be. Doesn't the word "ELOPE" s ound good about now?

I thought that it was that way years ago. My parents paid for my first wedding - all of it. My mother-in-law gave me a huge shower and I think she had the rehearsal party, if I remember right. But, it was a party at her house. They didn't do big rehearsal dinners back then.

These days, with costs so out of sight, I think people change the rules around a little. Yes, the kids should pay for some things.

This is from the article I wrote for the newspaper:
Brides Dare to Be Different
Traditionally, weddings have had more rules and regulations over the years than most brides knew what to do with. Years ago, a young bride would be under so much pressure to follow proper etiquette she hardly had time to think about having fun at her own wedding. Other things took precedence, such as the proper wording of invitations, seating arrangements, how many attendants to have, and getting seven bridesmaids to agree on one dress.

A good example of this is one of my all-time favorite movies, Father of the Bride, starring Elizabeth Taylor and Spencer Tracy. The classic 1950 film depicts all the hoopla and commotion surrounding the bride. Tracy portrays a bewildered dad as he writes the checks and tries to figure out how he will pay for the big day. Elizabeth, stressed out from trying to please both sets of parents, almost calls the whole thing off. Somehow it all works out and there’s a happy ending.

Brides have dramatically changed their attitudes since 1950. Today’s brides dare to be different. While some choose to blend the old customs with the new, many opt for tossing tradition aside and making up their own rules. The groom is now included in the decision making and some couples write their own meaningful vows.

Weddings have become a big business. The average cost is easily $10,000 to $15,000 for a modest event. A designer gown, that will be worn only once, can be a big-ticket item, not to mention the cost of the reception, flowers, favors, invitations, a photographer, disc jockey, limos, or a horse drawn carriage. I wonder what Spencer Tracy would think of all this.

Louisa

Having started an event planning business earlier this year, I just have to jump in here. Guess what? You are ALL right! Traditionally, it is the responsibility of the bride's family to pay for the wedding gown and the reception. The groom and his family generally...and I emphasize generally... pay for the bride's bouquet, and the rehearsal dinner. Because weddings have become so expensive, those "rules" have changed to include the groom's family sometimes offering to pay for the liquor at the reception, but this is not a hard and fast requirement. Just ask my husband...my daughter's fiance's family offered nothing! These days, the exception it the norm, and expenses can be shared by all parties, or not, depending on the situation. Pretty much anything goes. I always tell my brides and their families to do what they are comfortable with, and not try to spend a fortune they don't have on a spectacle. If you set a budget, then put the money into what is most important to the bride and groom..i.e., photographs for example, then everything else will fall into place. For example, if the bride wants an expensive photographer then maybe she does not need the world's most expensive centerpieces. Everything is relative, and once the bridal couple understands that, the rest is easy.

Louisa, isn't it fun towrite about your life experiences?

Wizard, great to see you. What a great business woman who offers excellent advice. I've been to lots of weddings through the years, but never been to two alike. People have to do what works for them financially. Unfortunately, I think people go in debt to have the perfect wedding...whatever that is...

I say take all that money and put a down payment on a house. But I already had my big wedding.

Dotsie, You're the second one who has said that me in two days. I was off work yesterday to do some shopping and wrapping. I took some time in the afternoon to attend the afternoon class of the writing group I belong to. I brought my turkey story and one I wrote about the mouse we had last month. My teacher thinks I should be writing a slice of life column. Was it tacky to bring a story about a rotten turkey to a class held at a nice restaurant? The mouse one had to be. Yes, it is fun writing about life experiences. My favorite to write about is still the good old days. Boomer days
Louisa

I married too young, so I am giving COMPLETELY different advice to the next generation. First of all--I expect my son and daughter to be on their own, paying their own way in life, and completely autonomous before they even THINK of merging their lives with another person. They should be able to support themselves financially before they marry.

Then--when two adults are on their own and have their own place and their own things, then they can merge their things together and decide what to keep together in their shared space. There is no need for a traditional bridal registry--they already have their own things. If gifts are given, it doesn't need to be basic household goods because they are adults who have already established their own households.

And finally--two adults who would like to marry will have to decide how much money THEY want to spend on THEIR wedding. THEY plan the wedding--THEY pay for the wedding. I will enjoy being there, and I will participate in all of the sentimental events that they would like to share with me. I don't mean to sound callous--I love my son and daughter and I will be very emotional on their wedding days, but it will be THEIR days and THEIR weddings--I will just be an honored guest/mother of the bride/groom.

Tradition is out the window, in my opinion. Most "wedding traditions" can be traced back to the days of dowrys, virginal brides, and other outdated concepts. The idea of parents paying for the wedding seems very outdated to me--two mature adults who wish to marry should be able to pay for their own ceremony and party. After all, eloping or going to the courthouse can constitute the ceremony. The big, sometimes expensive reception is simply a big party--and two adults should pay for their own party!

If, by some chance, I have some extra money to give my adult children at this stage in life, I would rather give them a special gift that would help them in their future lives as married couples instead of paying for an exuberant party. Maybe even use it to spoil my future grandchildren some day. I just think it is ridiculous to see people pay SO MUCH money for a party! It's crazy! Especially if you don't have the money and go deep into debt!

So that is my opinion about 21st century weddings--none of the traditions of the past centuries really apply anymore. I was a young bride who fell for the trap--and it really can become a trap. Think "tourist trap" when you look at some of the outrageous expenses some wedding planners try to convince young couples to spend on "their special day". That is a terrible way to start a marriage--deep in debt because you just "had" to have all of the bells and whistles.

I feel the same way about funerals, too--cremation and scattering for me, please. Don't even bother trying to convince me that my loved one will RIP because they have the most expensive coffin/memorial/gravestone! Weddings and funerals--a big, expensive business--a "trap" that sometimes sends loved ones into financial ruin. Look at some of the other countries and cultures and we can see that American weddings and funerals are getting completely out of hand! They don't love their families any less just because they had a simple and inexpensive wedding/funeral! In America, we seem to be convinced that if we really love someone, then we will spend as much money as possible on them. That is why we have such a debt problem!

Oh Ladies, things are definitely different depending on location! My daughter got married 13 months ago. We live in New York, just 30 miles north of NYC. We gave a large sum of money and the grooms parents gave the same. They had what would be a small wedding to some, only 110 people in a beautiful catering hall overlooking the Hudson. Alcohol is ALWAYS included. No one EVER, EVER pays for their own drinks. Guests would still be talking about the hosts a year later if that were the case. I paid for the elaborate bridal shower, which doesn't always happen. I felt the girls in the wedding just couldn't afford the expense. They were all on very fixed budgets. I also paid for my daughter's bridal gown which was also a very large expense. The groom's family felt that they gave enough in a lump sum to cover the rehearsal dinner...and I fully agreed. Many couples today wait until they are in their late 20's and early 30's to get married. They are often set in their careers and bringing in a decent income so there is no reason they can't chip in as well. The incidentals for weddings is astounding. No wonder it takes nearly a year to plan it. I have one down, and one more to go! I hope she gives me some time to recoup and save more!