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#61079 - 02/01/06 08:06 AM Re: can't find peace
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
Kidogo and Scorpio, I understand what both of you are feeling. Kidogo, I can't imagine not being allowed to vent my grief. It isn't healthy to bottle it up, PTL you found an outlet and have been able to help anoither through their grief. You now have special insight into how to help others--perhaps this is something ongoing that you can step out and help with...

Scorpio, we are all entering the years when our children will leave home adn we will be left to deal with the aging family members around us. It can be a lonely and overwhelming time. But we are all here for you, many of us have, or are already dealing with the same sort of situation. Any time you need to vent-vent away! You will feel better.

May I ask, is there anything else at the bottom of this that is causing you empty feeling? Anything else you can identify--or is it simply a feeling of loss; loss of family, loss of control?

Just wondered if you could identify a beginning of your feelings....

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#61080 - 01/31/06 09:52 PM Re: can't find peace
flipperjo Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
dotsie, please don't feel less passion in the greif for your mom by comparing it to the loss of a child. losing a parent is simply a different kind of grief.

losing a child is so unnatural and that's why it is so devastating. no one expects to bury one's child so we react to it from a place we never expect to be. we expect to bury our parents, and that makes it less tragic, but no less sorrowful.

your mom was precious to you and a huge part of your life. the depth of your loss is known only to you. my dad died a little over a year ago leaving a huge empty hole in my heart where his love and support always resided. you know what i miss almost more than anything? when i go home to visit mom and we sit down to eat, dad isn't there to say the prayer. his prayers were always so simple and eloquent and always included me.

to bury a child is to bury the future. to bury a parent is to bury the past. we can only imagine what that future might have been but we at least carry the memories of the past. maybe that's what makes it a little more bearable when we lose a parent - there is a richness in knowing that a life was fully lived but such a sense of being cheated when it was not.

starting over, you asked "is there anything else at the bottom of this that is causing you empty feeling? Anything else you can identify--or is it simply a feeling of loss; loss of family, loss of control?"

losing my daughter is at the bottom of everything. my life before her death was as normal as could be. we had the same problems and joys as any average family. now, no matter what happens or what i do, that grief i carry for Missi is like an undercurrent that flows under it all. i recently wrote an article about that called "River of Grief" so will just add it here...

"Since the death of my daughter Melissa in 1994, I have experienced loneliness beyond what I ever imagined. I miss her companionship and the friendship we might have had.

I have family and friends who are wonderful in their loving and caring hearts. But no matter how much they empathize and miss Melissa themselves, only I know the true depth of her loss to me and the emptiness it has left in me. It is a very lonely place.

My grief flows like a river through my life. It is always there, sometimes quiet, a soft gurgle in the background. Other times it is turbulent and swollen, flooding over me, drowning out all that remains. Its constant presence is something I am learning to live with. Some events stay well out of its reach. Others bring me to its shores and into the swift current to drown without warning.

I have always been a strong swimmer but I have often been dragged to the river without the will to survive. I don’t mean I have been suicidal. I simply haven’t cared because if I stay here, I have love and support that keeps me afloat. But if I drown, I get to be with Melissa.

One little girl has become my lifeline to the shore. Her name is Brianna Melissa and she was born last February. She is my granddaughter. One day when I was holding her and thinking about how I would tell her about her Aunty Melissa, I realized that I actually wanted to live. I once again felt like I cared. Who else could tell Brianna what I could about the aunt whose name she bears? This was such a profound realization that all I could do was hold her and sob. It was the first time in eleven years that I felt the desire to truly live in the present and swim for my life.

The river of my grief still flows. I am still lonely for my daughter. I will always be. For now, though, I have a genuine desire to swim and live."

12/5/05

[ January 31, 2006, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: flipperjo ]

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#61081 - 01/31/06 10:03 PM Re: can't find peace
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
That was beautiful, flipper. (((HUGS)))

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#61082 - 01/31/06 10:05 PM Re: can't find peace
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Every time I hear that Allman Bros. song, Sweet Melissa, I will now think of your daughter and your love for her...and your grandbeauty...

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#61083 - 01/31/06 10:14 PM Re: can't find peace
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
That was a lovely tribute to your daughter and to your granddaughter also flipperjo. Though I wonder if one can ever heal from such a loss, I hope it is a sign of the pain is becoming bearable.

smile

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#61084 - 02/01/06 02:23 AM Re: can't find peace
Scorpio115 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
kodogo: Now I really can't complain as my sorrows do not compare to yours. My heart goes out to you more than I can say. There is nothing worse in the world than losing a child, especially.
That being said, I find it difficult to post my heartaches, which are very real to me and fill my days with clouds. If you ladies won't mind, I'll step out a bit and then come back with some of the issues I'm having a hard time with. It pales by comparison to kidogo's but it stll hurts.

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#61085 - 02/01/06 03:10 AM Re: can't find peace
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Scorpio...remembering back a few years, the therapist asked me what my days felt like...I told him they were filled with black clouds and everywhere I walked they were overhead.
May the warm gentle breeze blow away the clouds, so the rays of the sun rest upon you with warm soothing healing.

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#61086 - 02/01/06 03:12 AM Re: can't find peace
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
I can't imagine losing a child...hope I never have to.
My heart goes out to all you ladies.

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#61087 - 02/01/06 03:30 AM Re: can't find peace
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Amen to that.

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#61088 - 02/01/06 05:26 AM Re: can't find peace
Scorpio115 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
I am going to pull us away for a moment from the intense sadness we've been talking about. All of you who have discussed the loss of your child, it is not meant to replace or displace your topic. Your need is far deeper and I, like the other ladies, will always listen and try to soothe. Its just that I noticed that Dotsie remembered one of the topics in this forum was the physical distance between parents and their children/grandchildren, and probably one that I introduced as one of my issues in earlier posts. It is another way to feel grief and it is at the top of my list of heartaches. My son and his wife moved away 10 years ago right after their marriage. No valid reason other than to join her parents who were retiring. This put 1100 miles between us and our family up here, including his only brother, our other son. We could not or weren't allowed to, discuss the downsides of this move, especially the sacrifice he and we would be forced to endure, the separation. It was difficult at first but has increased in pain as now, in the past seven years, he has given us 3 grandchildren, our only ones. I never knew anyone could feel love like this. We spend so little time with them, but whenever we have, it is the best times of our lives. The time away, is too long and frequent as it is very hard to go back and forth and he no longer can travel back up here. My mom hasn't even seen the kids in years and has never met the newest addition. There is so much I can go into here but the post would be pages long. What I need to do now is just get some support. I cry even as I write. Birthdays, holidays, events that all my friends and relatives are able to enjoy with their grandkids, is something we can't have. I am often filled with envy. We can't move because it would put the same distance between us and our loved ones up here and there are several other reasons to go with that. No webcams or snowbirding works either. I am frustrated, angry, sad. Dining room table purchased for family dinners - chairs are empty. Here came midlife, not the way we planned it. And people are so cruel. They are not sensitive to our plight. Just brag about the fun they're having. My job was a good distraction, somewhat, but I got thrown out with the reorg because of a physopathic boss who hurt me any way he could (including my pension). Well, that's another issue for later.

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