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#61059 - 01/17/06 03:30 AM
can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I am at a time and circumstance in my life where I just am not at peace. I've entered forums before but it seems I don't fit in. So I picked this one, cause in a way this is whining. Doesn't anyone else feel this way?
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#61061 - 01/17/06 03:46 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Welcome Scorpio115...
Think everyone whines from time to time...don't you?
Maybe, by sharing the circumstances in your life...the ladies here might be able to give direction for adding the peace, your searching for.
We even have a forum called...
A Very Fine Whine...if you still feel the need. [ January 16, 2006, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]
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#61062 - 01/17/06 05:16 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Suzieq: Thank you. For a minute, after reading the first few replies, I though I'd better let it be. I felt that maybe I was being recognized as a malcontent. I will be ready to post what is causing my distress, later on. I am not trying to be interesting, I just need some support. Well, maybe let me give you all a preview. I was let go from my job a year ago. The last three years there were horrible as the company changed in so many ways. I had the misfortune of working for a sociopath. Even though I was vindicated and he was let go, my age played a part in their decision to release me. I don't miss work. Here is what I miss. My grandchildren live 1200 miles away and I saw them for only a week last year. My husband and I would love to relocate but there are things and family that keep us up here. No snowbirding advice please. It doesn't work. Also, my mom's health seems to be failing though we don't know what to put our finger on. She's been through such a battery of tests and thankfully they reveal nothing. I'm the only one who is of the belief that she isn't facing old age too well (she's nearly 90). My siblings and I are being disconnected throughout this crisis, at each other's throats to be truthful. Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Thought I'd leave you hungering for more (ha).
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#61065 - 01/17/06 08:39 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I was hesitating coming online to see if anyone replied to my rant. Thank you all so much. I'm getting comfortable this time around. I'm very sensitive and introverted. Hard to find a friend to confide in who genuinely understands and doesn't placate me or make me feel that I am a complainer or self absorbed. I thought I'd be better at expressing myself this way but I was still afraid I couldn't make anyone see what I was hurting about. I have a lot more to share. Can't do it all at once but now that I know you guys are here, I'll be back.
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#61067 - 01/28/06 09:59 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 01/22/06
Posts: 30
Loc: New York
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Well. I think my computer's moral police is on duty. What I mean by that is it seems that every time I try to write an email or post something that even remotely sounds like whining....it seems to vanish into cyber-space, never to be seen again! That said....I had this post all but finished and I Lost It! Oh well. Perhaps there was a good reason for it. Anyway.
I wanted to say hello to you Scorpio. I noticed that you are in New York---me too! I worry about being rejected also. I don't want to complain about my life too much but I have had enough stuff go wrong in my life that sometimes I need to talk it out. It's not like I never have anything positive to talk about. But all too often people will turn away from me if I mention too much of the bad stuff. And since I'm on that subject...when my son died Nobody would let me cry. Was that fair? They were uncomfortable with my grief....Well I wasn't exactly feeling comfortable with it either. It's not like I had any prior experience! You know? But hey, I worked in a car wash at the time and let me tell you when that shampooer was running nobody could hear me and so that's when I cried and I was as loud as I needed to be. And since nobody was inside the car with me they didn't have to be uncomfortable with my pain anymore. I took care of my problem the same as I always did....all by myself. I have found a few friends that will let me be in whatever emotional state I need to be and I return the favor. So if you or anybody else needs someone like that....I'm here for you. I really do care.
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#61068 - 01/28/06 10:01 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 01/22/06
Posts: 30
Loc: New York
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Wow. All I meant to say was...Consider yourself hugged.
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#61069 - 01/28/06 05:04 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 154
Loc: FL
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Kidogo,
Wow is right. I am so sorry you had to endure that by yourself! There are a bunch of folks who don't say too much in this world, for fear of being rejected, but occasionally, you just have to let it loose. I sometimes think that's one of the greatest advantages (and disadvantages) of the Internet. You have relative anonymity, so it's sometimes easier to spout what you can't in your personal relationships. I even went through some therapy via e-mail, because I just couldn't say what I needed to say in the therapist's office! You and Scorpio should take full advantage of this place--or any place where you can the peace you need. And just so you know, there are plenty others who care... Sending a huge electronic hug to both of you!
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#61072 - 01/29/06 11:21 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
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kidogo, i am so sorry for the loss of your son and that you have gone through so much alone. the trouble is, even the most sympathetic of friends or family cannot possibly feel the depth of your sorrow with you unless they, too, have buried a child. so while you wish for the understanding, you don't want anyone you love to know what you know. it is a catch 22 for you. please check out www.thecompassionatefriends.org this is a support group for bereaved parents (some chapters have sibling groups, too). i have been with our local chapter since about a year after my daughter died in 1994. there are online discussions as well as chapters having meetings all over the country. my heart is with you. if i can help you in any way, just say it. i will also reply to private message if you wish to send one.
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#61073 - 01/30/06 12:13 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 01/22/06
Posts: 30
Loc: New York
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Hey, too bad I didn't have you ladies before now. You are all the greatest in my book. You are the sisters I never had. Thank you. And hugs to you, too.
The strange part about no one wanting to deal with my grief was the reason they all gave me: It was becuase they knew how much I loved him and the pain I felt was more than they could bear because they loved me too much.
Ok-a-a-a-ay. Hmph. Guess I was supposed to understand that and not hurt them with my pain, huh? Go figure.
I did go to a grief therapy group. I met a mother that lost her baby in child-birth (mine was 17 years old-cancer). We helped each other. I told her I felt like it was easier for me because at least I had 17 years before he died. She said she felt it was easier for her becuase she didn't know her son. Then we hugged and cried and neither one of us needed to go back to that group anymore. By meeting and sharing our pain we found a way to deal with our loss.
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#61074 - 01/30/06 12:24 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 01/22/06
Posts: 30
Loc: New York
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One thing about losing my son is that it did teach me what it felt like to bury a child and that in turn made me able to help a friend of mine last year. Her son was killed in Iraq. I was the only one she could turn to that understood everything she was feeling and thinking. I gave her a teddy bear to hold in her arms when she needed to hold her son. It was what I did. We both still hug our little bears when we need to. It helps.
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#61075 - 01/31/06 06:27 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
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kidogo, what you and the other mother at the grief group found was exactly what we do at the compassionate friends - connect with each other, comfort, understand and share the pain. i'm so glad you found that connection with another grieving mom. another benefit is that those of us who have been there awhile can help those newer in their grief to feel less alone. looks like you have found your way to both of those concepts already - well done!
as for the friends who couldn't bear your pain, you learn over time who you can and cannot share your pain with. unfortunately, that process is painful, too.
it is hard to remember that no matter how sympathetic friends and family are, they just don't get it. and do we want them to? to "get it" means to lose a child. i've learned to cut them a lot of slack. truth is, they didn't live with Missi or experience her daily presence so they can't possibly understand the depth of my sorrow nor can i expect them to. because of that it's easy for them to get on with their lives.
sometimes, especially lately, i feel like i've been left behind. they all have gone on with their lives and i can't. yes, my life goes on in many ways, but deep in my heart, it ended with my daughter's. her death changed the degree of importance i give to everyday things like decorating my home or my wardrobe and given me new purpose in making life better for those i love. i'm not me anymore. i'm a new and different me while they are pretty much the same. it is very confusing and discouraging sometimes but i have come to accept it to be the way of things now.
anyway, glad to know ya, sis, looking forward to getting to know you better.
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#61079 - 02/01/06 08:06 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
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Kidogo and Scorpio, I understand what both of you are feeling. Kidogo, I can't imagine not being allowed to vent my grief. It isn't healthy to bottle it up, PTL you found an outlet and have been able to help anoither through their grief. You now have special insight into how to help others--perhaps this is something ongoing that you can step out and help with...
Scorpio, we are all entering the years when our children will leave home adn we will be left to deal with the aging family members around us. It can be a lonely and overwhelming time. But we are all here for you, many of us have, or are already dealing with the same sort of situation. Any time you need to vent-vent away! You will feel better.
May I ask, is there anything else at the bottom of this that is causing you empty feeling? Anything else you can identify--or is it simply a feeling of loss; loss of family, loss of control?
Just wondered if you could identify a beginning of your feelings....
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#61080 - 01/31/06 09:52 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
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dotsie, please don't feel less passion in the greif for your mom by comparing it to the loss of a child. losing a parent is simply a different kind of grief.
losing a child is so unnatural and that's why it is so devastating. no one expects to bury one's child so we react to it from a place we never expect to be. we expect to bury our parents, and that makes it less tragic, but no less sorrowful.
your mom was precious to you and a huge part of your life. the depth of your loss is known only to you. my dad died a little over a year ago leaving a huge empty hole in my heart where his love and support always resided. you know what i miss almost more than anything? when i go home to visit mom and we sit down to eat, dad isn't there to say the prayer. his prayers were always so simple and eloquent and always included me.
to bury a child is to bury the future. to bury a parent is to bury the past. we can only imagine what that future might have been but we at least carry the memories of the past. maybe that's what makes it a little more bearable when we lose a parent - there is a richness in knowing that a life was fully lived but such a sense of being cheated when it was not.
starting over, you asked "is there anything else at the bottom of this that is causing you empty feeling? Anything else you can identify--or is it simply a feeling of loss; loss of family, loss of control?"
losing my daughter is at the bottom of everything. my life before her death was as normal as could be. we had the same problems and joys as any average family. now, no matter what happens or what i do, that grief i carry for Missi is like an undercurrent that flows under it all. i recently wrote an article about that called "River of Grief" so will just add it here...
"Since the death of my daughter Melissa in 1994, I have experienced loneliness beyond what I ever imagined. I miss her companionship and the friendship we might have had.
I have family and friends who are wonderful in their loving and caring hearts. But no matter how much they empathize and miss Melissa themselves, only I know the true depth of her loss to me and the emptiness it has left in me. It is a very lonely place.
My grief flows like a river through my life. It is always there, sometimes quiet, a soft gurgle in the background. Other times it is turbulent and swollen, flooding over me, drowning out all that remains. Its constant presence is something I am learning to live with. Some events stay well out of its reach. Others bring me to its shores and into the swift current to drown without warning.
I have always been a strong swimmer but I have often been dragged to the river without the will to survive. I don’t mean I have been suicidal. I simply haven’t cared because if I stay here, I have love and support that keeps me afloat. But if I drown, I get to be with Melissa.
One little girl has become my lifeline to the shore. Her name is Brianna Melissa and she was born last February. She is my granddaughter. One day when I was holding her and thinking about how I would tell her about her Aunty Melissa, I realized that I actually wanted to live. I once again felt like I cared. Who else could tell Brianna what I could about the aunt whose name she bears? This was such a profound realization that all I could do was hold her and sob. It was the first time in eleven years that I felt the desire to truly live in the present and swim for my life.
The river of my grief still flows. I am still lonely for my daughter. I will always be. For now, though, I have a genuine desire to swim and live."
12/5/05 [ January 31, 2006, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: flipperjo ]
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#61081 - 01/31/06 10:03 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
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That was beautiful, flipper. (((HUGS)))
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#61082 - 01/31/06 10:05 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
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Every time I hear that Allman Bros. song, Sweet Melissa, I will now think of your daughter and your love for her...and your grandbeauty...
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#61084 - 02/01/06 02:23 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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kodogo: Now I really can't complain as my sorrows do not compare to yours. My heart goes out to you more than I can say. There is nothing worse in the world than losing a child, especially. That being said, I find it difficult to post my heartaches, which are very real to me and fill my days with clouds. If you ladies won't mind, I'll step out a bit and then come back with some of the issues I'm having a hard time with. It pales by comparison to kidogo's but it stll hurts.
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#61085 - 02/01/06 03:10 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Scorpio...remembering back a few years, the therapist asked me what my days felt like...I told him they were filled with black clouds and everywhere I walked they were overhead. May the warm gentle breeze blow away the clouds, so the rays of the sun rest upon you with warm soothing healing.
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#61086 - 02/01/06 03:12 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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I can't imagine losing a child...hope I never have to. My heart goes out to all you ladies.
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#61087 - 02/01/06 03:30 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
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#61088 - 02/01/06 05:26 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I am going to pull us away for a moment from the intense sadness we've been talking about. All of you who have discussed the loss of your child, it is not meant to replace or displace your topic. Your need is far deeper and I, like the other ladies, will always listen and try to soothe. Its just that I noticed that Dotsie remembered one of the topics in this forum was the physical distance between parents and their children/grandchildren, and probably one that I introduced as one of my issues in earlier posts. It is another way to feel grief and it is at the top of my list of heartaches. My son and his wife moved away 10 years ago right after their marriage. No valid reason other than to join her parents who were retiring. This put 1100 miles between us and our family up here, including his only brother, our other son. We could not or weren't allowed to, discuss the downsides of this move, especially the sacrifice he and we would be forced to endure, the separation. It was difficult at first but has increased in pain as now, in the past seven years, he has given us 3 grandchildren, our only ones. I never knew anyone could feel love like this. We spend so little time with them, but whenever we have, it is the best times of our lives. The time away, is too long and frequent as it is very hard to go back and forth and he no longer can travel back up here. My mom hasn't even seen the kids in years and has never met the newest addition. There is so much I can go into here but the post would be pages long. What I need to do now is just get some support. I cry even as I write. Birthdays, holidays, events that all my friends and relatives are able to enjoy with their grandkids, is something we can't have. I am often filled with envy. We can't move because it would put the same distance between us and our loved ones up here and there are several other reasons to go with that. No webcams or snowbirding works either. I am frustrated, angry, sad. Dining room table purchased for family dinners - chairs are empty. Here came midlife, not the way we planned it. And people are so cruel. They are not sensitive to our plight. Just brag about the fun they're having. My job was a good distraction, somewhat, but I got thrown out with the reorg because of a physopathic boss who hurt me any way he could (including my pension). Well, that's another issue for later.
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#61089 - 02/01/06 10:21 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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In June of this year my daughter will be moving to Texas with my only grandson. Haven't allowed myself to think about it too much because it brings so much heart pain, and tears stream from my eyes. I dread the day they load into the car and pull off...
She feels for her son to be able to support himself and his to be family, that she needs to be in a area that he/she alike can afford. It's true, I can't argue with that. The thought of the separation...is what I don't want or like.
Four other adult children remain and live at home, so, the idea of packing up and moving is not an option right now. But, one we will certainly look at...if everyone moves with us.
Visiting is another option...but, not everyone in the family can afford to travel or have the time available from work to go.
It's such a torn feeling... My family is all gone except for one aunt I continue to talk with. Hubby's adoptive mom and dad are gone, so the only family we really have is "us".... I would keep us all together if I could.
Guess, I now know how my mom felt when I married a man in the military...we were never in one place longer than 2 years, and never really close enough to travel home.
I'm so sorry for the separation you are feeling...nothing tugs on the heart more than children or grandchildren. Like you...just thinking of that separation, tears are running.
Know I'll be on a plane every chance I get...hopefully they will do the same. Pictures will be flying on the internet, never thought of webcam...so that is a thought now.
How about spending your vacation time with your son and family? Is that possible? It wouldn't be a permanent solution...but, would give you some allotted precious time, to look forward to.
Quote You said, "The time away, is too long and frequent as it is very hard to go back and forth and he no longer can travel back up here". End Quote
Is the reason he can no longer travel back and forth because of funds? If, so maybe saving through out the year, and sending the funds so they can travel home. Not sure how our kids manage in today's world, especially with 3 children...it has to be hard.
I know I wasn't of much help...but, my ear will always be open to you...just like my heart. I'll pray you receive the answer. [ February 01, 2006, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]
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#61090 - 02/01/06 11:50 PM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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It is difficult for my son and his family to travel. Sure the funds are an issue but we would (and have in the past) sent them funds to come visit. My DIL isn't too keen on coming up as all her family is down there, parents, brother, sister and even some other relatives. In their defense, there is also the problem of scheduling. One grandchild is in first grade and the other in pre-kindergarten. There is also the baby. It is very hard for them to fly or drive back and I don't want to encourage either for fear of anything happening. We can't always be their houseguests either because we disrupt their schedules. Time is limited that he can be away from his job. And prior to our retiring, that was also the case with us. So, you see, even with visits, there is also the good-byes that hang over every precious moment spent with them. And we all can't be there at the same time. At least when they were able to come up, we had lots of family and friends over to share in the joy of their company. As the years go on, and they do so quickly, we drift more apart. My other son and his brother barely speak. And my son suffers from not knowing his nieces and nephew. He'd make a great uncle for sure. Thank you for your prayers.
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#61091 - 02/02/06 12:43 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Just wondering if maybe they are in an area that has time share. Then, you wouldn't be houseguests. Might even think of renting a motor home to drive down in, or rent when you get there. Park in the drive way, plug into the 220...leave a little something for the electric bill. Great way to get some alone time with the grand babies.
You sound like me, with the good-byes, I'm not much for them myself. Last time my brother came to visit, he was up and out at 4 in the morning, no good-bye. He dislikes the goodbyes, just as much. Either that or he just didn't want to face my crying. Come to think of it...time for another visit. Years pass to quickly.
Not sure if this is the case or not, but, it sounds like your DIL isn't to keen on traveling outside her comfort zone. If, that is so...it makes things more difficult. But, not impossible. Is she open to new ideas? Like maybe...each of you traveling half way and staying for a week in new territory? That way no schedules, to meet. Just thoughts to ponder.
You have a mother's heart...you think of everyone else when you process thoughts and feelings...much love there.
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#61092 - 02/02/06 12:47 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Heck...I might even be half way for the both of you...you can both plug into my 220 free of charge. The pleasure would be all mine.
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#61093 - 02/02/06 02:29 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Not much for adventure. Need some type of permanence, though life isn't permanent we all know. Over the years we've tried everything that was feasible for the times. Everyone has come up with any number of ideas and they sound good but in reality they're only quick fixes. It's been difficult trying to explain my situation because people say I'm very negative and I'm sure I sound that way. But all of these suggestions are only for short periods. There is no constancy or continuity. You turn around and then the trip or visit is over, whether it's a week or a month or two. Neither of us can be gone from our homes for too long for practical reasons either. You see, what I'm trying to say is I want the life that allows me to see the grandchildren for their birthdays, for Christmas, at their dance recitals and mini graduations. I want to play dolls with them and read good books out loud. I want to babysit and have them over for dinner or to bake cookies. My husband would like to work on projects with our son on the house. We'd like to see our two sons together. We want to build a dollhouse or take our grandson to the park. Normal things. After years of raising our sons and working, we thought this would be the time we'd reap some rewards. Family life can't be spent in planned trips or heavyhearted goodbyes. As the kids grow and their lives become busier, there will be less time to spend with them. We were once a very closeknit family. Now we're all disconnected and feel like strangers. You're all so kind. I guess I will have to accept what fate has given me. There is no answer that will not result in more heartache. It has been good venting. It clears my head up a bit. Thanks for listening.
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#61094 - 02/03/06 02:17 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
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Scorpio, you want to share LIFE with them. The everyday, the mundane and the special. There's nothing wrong with that.
The bible says:
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Ps. 37:3-6
This is a promise verse you can hold onto! God knows your desires and He will be faithful to bring it to pass as you are faithful to Him. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen and your rejoicing as a family will be very, very sweet. I believe it, trust the Lord, have faith and wait patiently and pray.
I hope this encourages you today. Keep venting your pain and we will commit to continuing to pray for you.
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#61097 - 02/03/06 06:20 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I'm not trying to drag this out, but was feeling very blue tonight and decided to open up this forum. Was very encouraged by your posts. Not that there was a solution there, just that you all were. Thank you.
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#61098 - 02/03/06 06:33 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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#61100 - 02/07/06 01:27 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
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Kidogo & Flipper, I pray the Lord heals your aching mothers'heart. Scorpio, this is a safe place to come and be yourself, wether you are happy, sad, confused, etc. Glad to have you here! What makes this place unique is the willingness of each member to share, reach out, comfort, support one another, without judging. While we might not have the answer, we are here for each other and we gladly pray for each other. And prayer works miracles each and every day!
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#61101 - 02/07/06 01:49 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
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Flipper, what a beautiful reflection your "River of Grief" is. Thanks for sharing your soul through it. It definitely helps us & others understand (to some extent) the way you feel.
To all my boomer sisters, I thank God for each of you, your friendship, your support and the blessing of sharing. I pray daily for you all, trusting that the Lord knows your individual needs!
May His light shine on you each day!
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#61102 - 02/09/06 07:33 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/11/05
Posts: 645
Loc: boise
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All of us have sufferings. I lost my mother too. And my father. and then my Nichole. I now have an empty nest and am alone, within a few months. I feel as tho I am on planet WHAT? And my dog of 15 years died also. Woe is me.
But I remember losing my Mother. So very devastating. So painful. And it was sudden. A car accident. I remember my sister, brother, and I saying that now we were orphans. And that's just what we felt - even at adulthood. Little orphans.
I also remember at the very beginning of Nichole's illness, that we found her right eye was totally blind. We thought this was devastating...at the time. Later, this was just a small problem...a very small problem. A teeny tiny problem. But still, at the time, it was horrible.
So I remember. How awful it was to lose a parent, and one eye of a child. And these were terrible things. And so they are. Truly terrible. And should be mourned as such.
Because, later, I lost Nichole, does not diminish what went before. Each grief is itself. Every grief is our own. It is true that the worst is the loss of a child, but that does not cloud the loss of a parent, a sibling, or a spouse. Anyone loved. No one should feel that their grief is less.
I compare it to this: Flipperjo knows that in North Dakota (NORTHERN North Dakota)temperatures can easily be 30 degrees below zero for the high of the day. AT these times, does it make a difference if it's 20 below? or 35 below? Not much. It still hurts. Cold is cold. Pain is pain. And we all need comfort. A warm fire, chicken soup, and someone to love us. This site has given us all.....
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#61103 - 02/09/06 10:04 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
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Thanks you to you all for your sympathy and understanding hearts in the loss of my daughter.
Searcher, you are so right - about degrees of grief AND about the 30 degrees below. I must say, we are grateful for a mild winter this year. we broke a record by not having one day below zero in the month of january! now it is getting cold, though, so guess i'll snuggle in for a few days.
on the issue of our children moving away, maybe i can shed some light on the topic from the perspective of "the kid who moved away".....
when i married in 1977 i moved to my husband's home 350 miles away from my own parents and siblings. 30 years ago, that distance seemed like lightyears and i felt like i'd been dropped on another planet. my four sib's all stayed closer to home.
i did get home a few times before baby #1 came along, but by the time i had 3 it became a pretty tough trip. we had a dairy farm and that situation didn't allow dh to travel so it was just me with the three to go see my family. even when my oldest was a baby and until the youngest graduated, i made that trip for about a week each summer because i wanted to be sure my kids knew my family.
now, 30 years after i moved here, i can assure you that my sorrow is equal or greater to that of my parents for my absence. mom and dad were great about coming out here a couple times a year until dad could no longer travel. one of my sisters made it a point to come for summer visits until the last 10 years. the others made only rare trips.
i am hurt because:
1. my kids never spent even one christmas with my family. every year i put up with dh's neurotic family and had some pretty miserable holidays while my family was having a great time together. dh always said i should take the kids and go for a christmas but it wouldn't have been good for them without him. after my daughter died, no way would we separate for christmas. only once in all these years a sister and her family came here for christmas. now my dad has died and we all scatter, sharing our own kids with their inlaws, so those times are simply lost.
2. my siblings all think the road to my house is much, much longer than the one i travel to theirs. once my kids were grown and no longer wanted to go with me, i was able to visit mom and dad more often, but alone. in the 2 years before dad died, i made MANY trips home to make sure i would never be "the one who moved away and is never there to help" and because i genuinely wanted to be there for mom and dad.
they all seem to have lost the map to my house. i love to be with my family but in the last year or so, i have begun to feel very angry toward them for their lack of effort in coming to see me. they make plenty of longer trips just for the sake of 'getting away' but the road never seems to bring them here.
my house is clean and big and i'm a great cook. i do my best to show them a good time when they are here so i don't know what the big hold-up is. we all get along and have fun when we are together.
i certainly don't regret having married my dh, i am still very much in love with him. these 30 years have certainly been a sacrifice for me, though. i have wonderful and close friends here, but i have no one here to talk to who knows me from my growing up or who knows my family. i have no one here who i can laugh and remember school days and old times with. most of our friends are old school mates of dh. when they start to talk old days at school and who lived here and where things used to be, i just tune out. it feels lonely.
so, those of you who have kids in other regions, please also remember that they are missing you, too. they are sacrificing, too. do your best to go to them and be as familiar as possible with the twists and turns of their lives where they are. they want to share themselves with you as much as you want them home. [ February 09, 2006, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: flipperjo ]
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#61105 - 02/10/06 12:14 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
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Searcher...as always...your wise words have touched my soul...
Flipper...your post has so much clarity and insight...my oldest daughter has been living North of Seattle for the past 2 years but will be moving back East in the fall...although my husband and I have been out to see she and her husband several times none of her siblings have made the trip...she hasn't said anything...but I am sure she feels hurt that none of them have made an effort to get out there...now after reading your words I am sure she feels hurt....would you mind if I copied your post and sent it to my son and other 2 daughters to read?
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#61106 - 02/10/06 01:55 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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flipperjo: I am glad to have read your perspecive from the side of one who moved away and it touched me deeply. I am the one who began this topic because of the heartache I feel that my son, his wife and our only 3 grandchildren are 1200 miles away from us. I always knew that he made a sacrifice and I told him that he would be the only one giving everything up when he went along with his wife's wishes to move. The difference with your situation is that you moved to where your husband lived. My son moved because his in-laws were retiring there. As a matter of fact all of their children and other relatives settled there as well. Another difference is that you made a point of coming up to visit yours, no matter how difficult, at least once a year. Mine doesn't. It is nearly 4 years since he's last been home. Aside from his brother who can visit, but now rarely does for reasons I won't go into right now, there is his grandmother, who now nearing 90 cannot travel. We have been very good about visiting over the years. While we were working, we used every vacation to go, though it was never easy on us. I absolutely agree that it is a difficult trip for them to make, but there have been times when he could've and didn't. He should have factored this all in when he made the decision to move. Also, we have made suggestions that he at least come up with one kid a year. They would take turns and each would look forward to the trip. He'd get a chance to see the family and friends and we'd get a chance to have them home. Obviously, all would be better, but if it's too hard, this is an alternative. Do you know how it breaks my heart that my grandchildren have absolutely no idea of our house, and will have no memories. It may be that someday we will move down there, but we haven't been able to make that decision yet for so many factors. One thing that I believe you learned, and unfortunately my son is learning, is that the miles never get shorter. Distance is a great divider. We are all becoming so disconnected and detached. I bought a crib when they had their first child, and all the trimmings, and the first two slept in it once each and the third child has never, and is already outgrowing it. Picture the sadness I feel. No family around our tree or table at any holidays. No birthday celebrations with everyone. Well, I've said enough.
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#61107 - 02/10/06 02:52 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
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I am very thankful that I have my family close by. I was asked by one of my managers if I would be willing to relocate and I said definitely not. I know I would be miserable and since I am single, I depend on my family, including my sisters, for support and love.
I can only imagine the pain of living that far from your kids. My heart goes out to you.
I know this wouldn't replace your grandkids, but are there any families within your circle who have children you can "adopt"? At least it would give you an opportunity to express some of the love you have bottled up.
Daisygirl
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#61108 - 02/10/06 04:00 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/22/05
Posts: 254
Loc: ND
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nancy, copy away!
scorpio, i feel sadness for you in your son's reluctance to come home. there are always differences in every situation so i guess the old adage, "if the shoe fits" is appropriate here. i hope that someday soon your son will realize how much you are hurting and do something about it.
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#61109 - 02/10/06 06:24 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
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Scorpio...your pain really saddens me...my married daughter lives on the other side of the country and although she doesn't have children yet I feel that a part of me is missing each morning that I wake up and know that I can't see her today even if I wanted to...she promises me that they are waiting until they move back East to become pregnant...but I'm being realistic knowing what a mobile society we have become.My parents were a huge part of my kids lives and I want to a presence in my grandchildren's lives as well...I just don't know what the answer is...but my heart goes out to you in a very big way...do they have a computer?maybe you can buy some webcams ..keep one for yourself and send one to the grandkids and have a regular time each day for them to "visit Grandma" on the computer...that way they can see you and you can see them while you talk...those cams aren't very expensive either...it's just a thought...
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#61110 - 02/10/06 07:05 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Nancy: Thanks for your kindness. I've found a lot of that on this site and that's why I keep coming back. It gives me the ability to vent instead of keeping it bottled up. Plus, I have interest in the suggestions. Webcams are okay and they've been spoken of before, but we need the physical contact. We've so much to offer them and time is going by so quickly. We've missed out on all of the 'firsts' and I envision a future where they will barely feel a bond with us. I guess sometimes we just have to play with the cards that we're dealt, at least that's what I'm told. But, I can't let it go. Love is too strong.
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#61112 - 02/11/06 08:19 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
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Scorpio, 1 reason I am so adament about staying in town, is that I know if I moved away my son would not make the effort to see me. You know what they say about sons, a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life. I overlook a lot in order to not feel hurt, as I'm sure many others do too.
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#61114 - 02/11/06 12:03 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Boy...can I relate to that.
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#61115 - 02/11/06 03:09 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
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We didn't see as much as we would have liked of Ed when he was going to school in Seattle, but we knew it was the right place for him to be.
Of course, now he and his sister both live in NY, and we don't see them too often because they're both working all the time. Not that I'm complaining about that, but still...... We're planning a visit to NY in March on the way to Chuck's sister's wedding in VA.
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#61116 - 02/11/06 06:17 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Judging from most of the responses, though all truly sympathetic, I'm getting the picture that I should just get over it. I should be and truly am, happy as long as they're well. Things could be worse. I will have to take steps to move on. It is what it is and I can't really change it. Maybe that's what I'll do.......just make the best of it. But I miss those little kiddos..........
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#61118 - 02/12/06 07:25 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
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Scorpio..I don't know how you can "just get over" the love you feel...I think if you keep calling your grandkids and sending them little pieces of your heart and seeing them whenever you are able...they will be drawn to you naturally...who can ever turn away from your kind of love...but at the same time...continue to live your life and forge new interests and please don't let the hurt you are feeling completely consume your life...things can change in an instant...Hang in there Girlfriend!
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#61119 - 02/13/06 12:03 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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AvalonBlondi: Every kind word said is medicinal. Your post warms my heart because you may not be experiencing what I am but you are trying hard to understand and offering the idea that there is hope. You are also extending friendship and I appreciate it. I know I sound like a real "whiner" but it's only because I haven't really figured out a way to place this issue in a corner of my mind and move on while the years pass. My faith isn't too strong and life kinda chips away at you but I've still got a lot to be grateful for and maybe an answer lies around the corner. It's snowing here in NY and I know my little grandkids would love this!
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#61121 - 02/13/06 03:52 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I had written another post and then immediately deleted it because I wasn't comfortable saying what I did. However, as long as I'm going to use this forum as a place to find comfort, I've got to be honest. I am not only feeling heartache, but disappointment and anger as well. I love my DIL very, very much and that is no lie but she has been quite selfish. If her family lived up here, they'd surely be visiting. They'd find a way. And if her grandparents were still alive and living up here, they'd definitely come on up. But then they probably wouldn't be down there. I've watched my whole family become disassembled. They haven't done anything to bridge the gap. It all hangs on us.
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#61124 - 02/13/06 04:27 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Nancy/JJ: Thank you both.......so much.
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#61127 - 02/19/06 03:24 AM
Re: can't find peace
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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Sue: I'd like to get into the topic of psycho bosses and being laid off. It was and still is a source of pain for me and as long as you're giving me an "ear" I'm willing to share with you some of my experience. After 9/11 (and I worked at the WTC but thank God was spared) my organization went into a restructure and I, along with my group,were put to work under the supervision of a new boss, who had just started with the company. It didn't get off to a good start and I had bad feelings about him. I can get into specifics, instances and so on but it will have to be with several posts because, to be fair, it is quite lengthy. I worked for the company for 17 years but the last 3 were for him, as his executive assistant. Therefore, I had the misfortune of working closely with him. In all the years I worked for the company, with a number of managers and groups, where my position was often extended and my role was more demanding, I never had a problem and the number of years spent in the same firm speaks for itself. I lost several bosses, as happens, who left the company, but they always asked me to come with them, so I guess I couldn't have been too bad, could I? I always chose to stay because of the security in staying with the same place as benefits, etc. were adding up. In all the years there, I received great commendations and evaluations, all on record. In the end though, HR wasn't much help. I'll continue this later as I have to sign off right now. [ February 18, 2006, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Scorpio115 ]
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