I've always been told I was naive, too trusting, that given the opportunity, people will sell you out, not give you a chance. I've had female friends who have sometimes thought that because I choose to be loving and kind, I don't know squat about how nasty people can be. But it's the men in my life who have said this directly, the husbands, boyfriends, friends, as in, "Vi, everyone in the world isn't nice." Duh.

I started out shy. Shyness means that I don't trust you, and I don't trust me. Once you're shy, you never get over it entirely, although you can come to a place where you function with confidence most of the time. However, there are times of illness, PMS and menopausal moments, lack of sleep moments where it rears up again. During those times when I'm functioning at less than capacity, sometimes I make mistakes, saying or doing something that others take wrong, a time when misunderstanding is born. Sometimes I never realize that a misunderstanding has occurred. Nothing happens everything is fine. Sometimes when I'm functioning with my lame brain, misunderstanding occurs, and things aren't fine, no one tells me, and I am judged. Sometimes when I do something ignorant while in ditz mode, I become aware of it, apologize but am not forgiven. People back away and don't give me a chance. And sometimes I do this, apologize, and everything is fine.

It really comes down to how mature everyone is, how easily they can just let things slide off, and where they are at any given moment in their own ditz modes.

One of the problems with friends we make online, ones that we never meet physically, is that we don't have a chance to look the other person in the eye and know they are good people or not. So when something seems to go wrong misunderstanding can abound.

Recently my husband changed email handlers for our Internet computer. The buttons were in different places, and I wasn't familiar with the workings of the program yet. He gave me an off color joke. I then sent it on to my buddies, some of whom I had met online. Problems was, I was in my menopausal not sleeping mode and some the synapses were not firing. So I put in the addresses of the people I wanted to send it too, and sent it out. I didn't realize until the next night, when he found this message in his email sent file that I had forgotten to change his email address to mine. Now all these ladies thought he had sent them this joke, now they could think my lovely husband, who respects women a lot, has ulterior motives. Good grief. So I send out apologies and a bit of an explanation, hoping that was enough.

Misunderstanding is such a strange thing, don't you think? We can assign people all kinds of motives they don't have, based on how we are feeling at the time. One of the definition of understanding listed by the American Heritage Dictionary is: To know and be tolerant or sympathetic toward. Misunderstanding would be the opposite.

One of my goals is to become more understanding of all points of view, even those who do horrible things. But understanding should not be confused with naivete. I don't plan to leave myself vulnerable. I just hope to learn to stop judging and grow up a lot.

Brought this back as there were no replys and it seemed to address a subject we were discussing at this time. Hope it helps, thanks Vi.

And I'm glad you did Chatty as this is so beautifully put, and easily understood. Love is the key.

Thank you Vi, for posting this and Ms C for calling our attention to it! Gentle reminders of a gentle soul. And what it looks like. I love it.

JJ

I missed this one too, the first time around...lots of houseguests here then I guess. This is beautifully said, Vi.

One of my favourite therapists observed that anytime I didn't understand someone's actions or words toward me, instead of checking it out with them directly, I would "make up stories", or "take the ball and run to the wrong goalpost". He was right. I'd been subconsciously doing that all my life.

Now I try to check things out first before becoming hurt or offended. It's amazing how quick and ready I was to choose to see slights, criticisms and personal attacks where none was meant or even implied.

Like you said about shyness, you never completely get over those old habits...but hopefully, thanks to places like here, we evolve more than we relapse!

Vi,
Thanks, you explained shyness so elequoently. I suffer from this too. Seeing someone this summer I hadn't seen for a long time set off the shyness again. Its embarassing but your post gives us hope.
Maggie

Hello Vi,
I am new here but I really relate to your story. I recently e-mailed a man who has a care giver organization and I was writing to ask him to review my book. He agreed. I was also e-mailing a friend who wanted to see a photo of my standard poodle, Beau. You have probably guess what happened. I pulled up a great shot of my 80 pound poodle stretched out on my couch, feet in the air and jaws flapped open. I wrote "This is Beau doing what he does best." The nano second that I hit send I realized my mistake. My friend sent an e-mail asking if I was going to send the photo of the dog and the very kind and understanding CEO sent me an e-mail which said "I love your dog!". Duh indeed.
(p.s. I use to be painfully shy but now I can't shut up). Nice to meet you.

You've got a good point here Vi, I usually let most things go- laugh comments off but during some phases of the moon-or during a hot flash I can take everthing to heart and just cry
And if I can't see the person's eyes- like online I can make a huge mistake of taking something the wrong way- I did that to Dianne here once and I still feel bad about it!

Vi, I am so glad to see you have begun posting in other forums. I learn something new from all of your posts. If not brand new, than at least gentle reminders of who I want to be for others.

Chatty, thanks for bringing this back. It's perfect.

Hi. This is a great topic re: shyness and misunderstandings. I was an extrovert until my pre-school report card: "Lynn talks a lot, and in a loud voice." Evidently I had a lot to say, but that report card shut me up. Then fear of having too much to say, saying the wrong thing, in the wrong tone, and to the wrong people, in too loud a voice...turned to shyness. I think shy is a symptom of fear. I used to take things too personally, and I would want to retract things that I said in case the receiver took whatever I said the "wrong" way. I do think that this forum has helped me socially. There is so much support, insight, understanding here that I feel more relaxed about what I have to say. As for misunderstandings, I used to take the passive approach and either fester in the hurt and/or ask someone other than the person who offended me, such as, "What did so and so mean when she said such and such?" I'm learning to be more assertive about misunderstandings and talk to the person directly. That being said, I was with a grammar school, high school friend this past summer, and we actually revisited our misunderstandings of our childhood so that we could better understand each other now. We are both better able to approach each other in a loving and trusting way rather than from fear and shyness. My mother takes fear and shyness to another level, which is unhealthy. She will create or feign an illness to avoid social situations. I used to do that too, I learned it from her. Now I am much healthier and able to move through the fears of social situations and hurt feelings. Oprah's mothers' church friends said the same thing about Oprah: "My oh my that child sure talks a lot." Look where her voice got her! I wonder if she takes misunderstandings personally? Love and Light, Lynn

Pattyann, our Dianne is a mature and forgiving woman. I hope you have conversed with her, as I know she would understand. LLL

Yes, Lynee- we worked it out- at least I hope so-It was all a misunderstanging on my part- and thru the forum we were in and on PM we each said our say-what kind of what was that

Lynn, don't go changing the reputation I've tried to cast as ornery and cranky! Of course we worked it out...we're Boomer Women!

Hi Dianne, you ornery? Cranky? I don't think so! You are a dear sweet wonderful loving helpful compassionate AWESOME boomer woman!