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#5792 - 03/31/04 04:40 PM Some Help Please
Candice Johnson Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 416
Loc: Alexandria, VA
Last night I did something incredibly selfish, terrible, mean, and cruel and now I need to make amends.
Last night I was really exhausted and my husband had a massive panic attack. I did not wake up. He said I told him where the xanax was and had three conversations with him, but kept falling back to sleep. I remeber one of the conversations, but thought it was a dream. I left him all alone. When you have these attacks you feel like you're going to die. He thought he was going to die and I couldn't even stay awake! Tears are flowing as I write this. I've apologizes all morning, crying, and telling him I didn't mean to and that I am so ashamed for what I've done. I don't know what else to do. I know that all, or most, of you are going to say, give him time, you are only human, don't be so hard on yourslef. But this is bad. This was really bad of me. I should have been able to be there for him. There is no excuse. Now he feels like I don't care or don't think he is important enough to even get out of bed when he thinks he's dieing. I just don't know what to do to make him believe it again.

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#5793 - 03/31/04 05:22 PM Re: Some Help Please
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Ms C,
I think first of all you must have been terribly exhausted. I don't believe for one minute that you would NOT have awakened (is that a word?) if you knew your husband was in danger. Your body gave out and you needed sleep. Period. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, or think you were casting him to his own fate. You are not that kind of person hon...
not at all. Try remembering what you did that day that exhausted your mental resources and sit him down and calmly explain it all to him. Love heals and I believe if you both talk about

1) what lead him to the attack
2) what lead you to your exhaustion

then you can both see it was no one's fault. I'm so sorry this happened to him, and to you. But please don't think of yourself as failing him. It sounds like to me that no one was to blame...you need to communicate here. With love, compassion (on both parts) and understanding. I will of course, pray for you both. JJ

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#5794 - 03/31/04 06:11 PM Re: Some Help Please
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Candice,
Maybe I'm just cold hearted here, but I think as women we take on too much responsibility for the feelings of others.
It would be mean and selfish to chose not to come to the aid of someone who was in actual danger of dying, but I'm not sure it is mean or selfish to simply be too exhausted to come to the aid of a person who only 'feels' as if he's going to die?
Emotions are powerful and can certainly affect us, but they are not truly dangerous. Feelings are merely feelings. Fear is normal and it is painful, but in itself is't not dangerous? Freud said emotions in themselves are not even painful. Fighting them is what causes the pain.
Your husband did not die and was in no real danger. Maybe not responding was a good thing if it proved to him that even if no one saves him he will survive.

""Being nice is not always being kind.""

A principle of Business Administration that might apply here is ""Avoid responsibility for things over which you have no authority" such as another's feelings.
smile

[ March 31, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#5795 - 04/01/04 08:15 AM Re: Some Help Please
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Jawjaw and smile, your words are so kind and thoughtful. [Big Grin] Candice, I hope listen to them.

My two cents are similar:
He's alive, and he survived it on his own. That should be reassuring to him without the context of having no help from you. Focus on that.

Why are you exhausted and why is he anxious?

Difficult answers for any couple. I know you are newly married with lots going on in your lives. I think you're both people pleasers. I'm right there with you. [Wink] But, I'm learning through the years that one can only do so much without burning out. Been there, done that!

Perhaps there's a lesson here. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching, just speaking out of love. I'll pray that the doors are wide open for honest communication when you broach the subject with him.

My advice would be to talk about it sooner rather than later. Waiting on issues like this only allows us to harbor more emotions and fester frustrations and fears.

Mom would say, "Settle your disagreements before your head hits the pillow." I think it's good advice. [Wink]

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#5797 - 04/01/04 03:44 AM Re: Some Help Please
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Make it a rule of life never to regret and never look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; You can't build on it; it is good only for wallowing in.

Looking back and regretting are very different from taking stock, making amends, and moving on. When we look back and regret, we are indulging in the activity of beating up on ourselves over our mistakes. All of us have made mistakes. We have neglected ourselves and others. We have neglected those we love and we too, have been neglected. That is the nature of man/woman. We need to admit our wrongs, make amends to those we have wronged and move on. We cannot build on shame, guilt, or regret. Owning and making amends for our mistakes affords us the opportunity to build on the past and integrate it. We can start doing this at anytime....maybe even today. No one of us is perfect and besides perfectionism is self-abuse to the highest order. Forgive yourself and eventually he'll come around....

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#5798 - 04/01/04 06:33 AM Re: Some Help Please
Candice Johnson Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 416
Loc: Alexandria, VA
Thanks to everyone for your great advice. We talked aout things once we both got home from work and we have worked things out. These types of things tend to be hot button issues for both ofus since he has some issues around panicking that causehim to overreact and I have my own issues about feeling like a I let people down.
It's easy to let all of emotions you have surrounding something fall on the person closest to you. We both realize that and it is time to move on.

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#5799 - 04/02/04 12:01 AM Re: Some Help Please
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
quote:
Originally posted by Candice Johnson:
It's easy to let all of emotions you have surrounding something fall on the person closest to you.

Amen. That's what happens in a marriage, and it can be a good thing as long as you continue to communicate with honesty! Glad that's behind you. [Wink]

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