Ladies, I need help.

I do not like it when I get angry at DH when I find crumbs, things not put back in the fridge, wrappers not thrown away, dishes not put in the sink, socks rolled up in a ball...you get the drift.

A friend told me a long time ago, that when I get mad, remind myself that I am "cleaning up for Jesus", serving Him.

Why am I having problems with this? I don't LIKE feeling angry or resentful when he is not a cleaner-upper like I am. I KNOW it's one of my jobs to take care of my husband, but I need an attitude adjustment. He is not a housewife and does not notice the details that I do.

How do YOU handle this??

Well, Di,

Has it occurred to you that maybe Jesus hasn't any part in this scenario at all? It seems to me, that this is a simple problem. Your husband does not pick up after himself because he doesn't have to. You do it. In my estimation, Jesus doesn't need any cleaning up, so you are not "cleaning up for Jesus"; he's already a stand-up, clean-freaky kind of guy. It really is your husband that needs to get the picture.

You are not his Mother. The two of you need to get this idea firmly in your heads....Both of you. You both need to understand that this is a partnership, not a one-way-street. And, in my view, it is NOT your job to take care of your husbands messes, but to help each other take care of your lives together - meaning firstly your responsibilities toward one another and your household, and secondly your spiritual responsibilites to each other. Not necessarily in that order.

Remind yourself that a man such as Jesus would never expect anyone to clean up after him. He was known to "clean up" after others........(I am referring to spiritual "messes", but any mess will do).

If I sound exhaperated (sp? for sure), I am sorry to say that this is how I feel. Di, my dear girl, these are problems that do not take religion to solve...save those for the truly important matters of earth.....Somebody help me here!!!!! Hear all you Faithful Ones out there and help this girl out!!!

I don't mean to make small of your problem. This is no small problem. But it can be solved more readily by common sense than by references to Jesus. Honest.

Well, I'll try to be more concrete with my advice in the future, short of that, I hope someone here will come to your aid.

Searcher

Hey Di, I'm with Searcher on this one. Maybe you can try to do what I really did with my son.
Anything he left around, I picked up, put it in a large!!! trash bag, and in my trunk. When I found he was digging in my trunk, I'd put the bags in the back of my office. One week, each bag. On the floor, out of place, he looses it.
After yelling how he needed this and that....too bad...play by the rules or loose. He became a clean freak! When he had gone away to college, my hus, son and I walked into his apt, emtied the suitcases, on the floor, I made sure I dripped the coffee in the sink and on it...
and woah! did we hear it from him! But..he finally realized what we went through w/ him being home.....he laughs about it today...try it...it works!!!

Another thought, forget the cleaning for Jesus stuff, sandpiper is right on w/ that one...
Someone once told me...point the finger and you will see the thumb is pointing right back to you.
Di, the only attitude adjustment you need is...
remember what Sandpiper said. You are not his mother. Leaving his "stuff" behind is not showing you any respect whatsover. You can try
(I know it is very hard) doing the same, trust me, he'll notice.

I know what you have been taught. "Do all things as unto the Lord." Right? But, do you really think the Lord created you to pick up your husband's socks and dirty underwear when he has two good hands and can walk to the clothes hamper or the waste basket or sink??!!

Jesus himself said the husband is to be as Christ, willing to give his life for his bride. Giving up your life doesn't necessarily mean laying on a cross (although it can under different circumstances...) but it means willingness to lay down your bad habits, some of your preferences, putting the "weaker" vessel first.

If he truly loves you, he will learn, perhaps with a little respectful, loving, nudging, that you were meant for better things and his responsibility is to see to it that your load is light and your burden isn't heavy, especially not at his doing.

I'm going to take another avenue. Granted, my husband and I lived apart for two years because he took a job in another state and my stubborness kept me in TN (among other reasons) but today, I pick up his wet towels, socks, etc. with great joy.

I thank God that he's alive and works hard to provide for us. To me, picking up after him is small compared to what he does for me.

We both use humor in regards to this. He has this habit of kicking off his shoes and placing them under the kitchen island. I decided to just leave them there to see what kind of collection would form. At five pairs, we decided it was his new shoe closet.

However, if you are in an unhappy marriage, it could become irritating. I guess there are many things to consider but this is just my input.

Dianne, you're right too. If you truly love your husband and if he treats you with kindness and respect, it probably is a gift of love to him to pick up after him. If he smeared peanut butter all over the countertop and dropped bread crumbs all over the floor and left a potty ring for you to scrub...it might take the silver out of the cloud though.

I guess what I'm hearing is that we should all feel the freedom in our relationships to choose whether or not to give this gift of love and appreciation.

I thought of something this morning that I had forgotten. I once took what I thought was a dorky class on marriage and relationships. In this class though we were given this analogy of a love tank. They said each of us had a love bank and that its up to the spouse to fill it with words, compliments, thoughtfulness, respect, etc. It was said that if our spouse makes too many withdrawals from the love bank without making any deposits to it, it becomes overdrawn. When its overdrawn, picking up smelly socks is a chore and not a gift of love. I know my love bank is empty right now and I'm happy for those whose love bank accounts are full.

I have been divorced for many years....I only have myself to pickup after. It would be welcoming to have someone who I can relate too, have loving relationship with and share my life with....I don't think I would mind picking up his socks....or doing whatever as long as we do it together and he picks up MY dirty socks sometimes.
I taught my son to help out and he does all the cleaning, cooking, and washing when he is not working and his wife is.....This is the key to a good relationship...It is being together and doing for each other.
On the other hand, if you hate the one your with, then you might resent this...If so, do what I did, get divorced...but someday you will be alone and not want to be
KaseyC

Actually, my original questions was "Help me not be upset at DH". I WANT to do these things but change my attitude about doing them. I do not want to resent him. Nor do I disrespect him. He is a wonderful husband.

So, Dianne, you have helped me greatly.

This may be morbid, but if DH were to die today,I'd long to be able to pick up his messes,socks etc. Think of the widow: would she not give anything to trade places with me?

I'm praying for God to change my heart. I WANT to serve my husband as head of me...as Christ is the head of DH.

Thank you all for this perspective.

[ March 09, 2006, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: Di ]

There are really so many ways to look at all this. I, too, have gotten on my husband's case so many times for not picking up. I guess I could never understand how someone would not take care of their own "stuff". I like a clean, uncluttered house, but it doesn't bother him as much. So I decided either to leave it, and not let it bother me or clean it up and not say anything because I was cleaning up because I like it clean! I've even tried the "if you really loved me, you'd do this because it's important to me!!". Now I just decide each time how I want to deal with it.
I DO resent playing the role of his "MOM" and how will my boys ever learn if they see dad leaving stuff for his wife?
I will say though, he HAS gotten better since I stopped yelling about it.