I have seen this happen and wanted to know if it has happened to anyone in here... and if so...what can you do about it? I would love to give my friend some words of encouragement, but haven't experienced this first-hand.

Sometimes women leave their husband's family out. Because women tend to be the social planners when it comes to family plans, they make most things revolve around their family.

The poor grandmother and grandfather(parents of husband)get left out. I don't understand why the husband doesn't point it out, or do something to make a difference, but it hurts the paternal grandparents...and the baby/children also lose out by not having more close relationships.

This somehow goes back to the mother-in-law relationships too, I think.

Any ideas on this one?

[ July 05, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Actually, it doesn't even have to be with grandchildren. It can also be about spending time with parents once you are married.

I am thinking the answer goes back to something that comes up at prayer group so often.

Expectations...possibly we need to lower them and be pleasantly surprised when people want to spend time with us...but that seems to simple.

Yes, this happened to us only we spent more time with his family especially after my father died and my mother went into the nursing home. However things happen and we don't want to do this as much. My husband tells me he would rather be with my family.
This Christmas they are all coming here and were all looking forward to it.
In his family his brother is to the point where he hardly speaks and when we go to my family functions they let us know we weren't there because brothers are supposed to be closer than cousins.
In my family everyone talks all the time even catching up when we've emailed or written letters.
The family dynamics are interesting and I've tried. In fact I told my sister n' laws friend that if it hadn't been for me my husband wouldn't go visit his mother as much. I am whining here not bragging because I think its so sad that she pushes them away. I feel really blessed and grateful to have grown up in my extended families.

Maggie you said, "if it hadn't been for me my husband wouldn't go visit his mother as much".

I have found this to be true in my marriage too. I think it is because men in general don't communicate as much as women do. We find ourselves keeping up with the friends and family because that's what we tend to do.

I often say to my husband, "Have you talked to your mom or dad lately?"...or, "I think we need to check in with your mom and dad."

Yet, sometimes I think the mothers of our husbands think we keep them from their sons. We can't help it if the guys aren't the big communicators that we women are.

Make sense?

Maybe that is one of the reasons their is this whole mother-in-law/daughter-in-law thing that has been mentioned in here before.

All I know is that I have 2 sons and 1 daughter so I have all this to look forward to.

yes, I do agree with you and I even remember my mother asking my father how long it had been since he called his mother.
We have one son so will probably face it too.
I also think we women are the nurtures(sp) and that could add in here too. I have also seen this work the other way when the daughter in law doesn't get along with her family and the inlaws become close. Its happening with my extended family. Because the family member saw what was happening with my mother in law and me she and I have been able to be really open with each other.
This is one of my cousins daughter in laws.
People dynamics always fascinate me.
Maggie

Boy, I'm glad you brought this up. I was just about to post something about this. My son got married and has a little boy who is 17 mos old. tomorrow. Seems like his wife wants everything to do with her family but not with us. The only time we get to see them is if we go to Az. from Ca. I used to get photos and little videos of my grandson but no more. She won't even email me back when I email her. Weird. I'm sorry but my Mom and I call this being "Pussy Whipped" Parden the phrase..
but its so true. I see it happening a lot to families. NOT GOOD>
I need to talk to my son one of these days about it. If I can ever get him alone. I've tried so hard to be a good mother in law. I don't bug them. I only call them once every two weeks or so. From what I understand her Mom calls her everyday. What's up with that? She's in another state but so is my Mom and I don't talk to her everyday. Anyway... I'm tired of the whole nonsense....

Mammajude it sounds like things are pretty messed up. Why not go for a visit and instead of talking to your P.W. son alone, talk to them together, honestly and right in her face. Get the answers you deserve. Make the @#$%$ say whats on her mind. Things couldn't get much worse than they are now and she will continue to cut you out if she sees she can, so you may as well bring it out in the open now. It'll either mend the fence or knock it down.....

[ March 23, 2005, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

mamma, keep reaching out. I think it's a good idea to talk with your son. Write them notes. Send them cards. Don't give up. This is your son and you want a relationship with him. Go for it.

I guess now I can comment on this since I have an official daughter-in-law now

My daughter-in-law talks to her mother daily I'm sure - eventhough they live states away from each other - but if I want to know what's going on with my son - I have to call - eventhough I live in the same town -- and even then I don't speak to him usually -- but to my D-I-L -- as he really hates "chit-chatting" on the phone.

Daughters just naturally stay closer to their moms than sons do. A daughter may grow into a woman but she'll always be her mommy's little girl. A son, on the other hand, grows into a man. Period. No more mommy's little boy.

besides -- son's don't need their mommy's as much once they marry -- they have their WIVES to take our places

Women do communicate more than men. We want to share all our thoughts with other women -- case in point -- THIS FORUM. We don't see this type of forum for MEN anywhere do we ????

But I also think we mothers have to take some of the responsibility for the situation. Not that I'm the perfect person here -- but I try not to be my son's mother around his wife. He belongs to HER now -- just like I try not to be a pushy grandma -- I raised my child and now they have to raise theirs -- and I feel it's no longer my place to tell them how to either live their marriage or to raise their child. Ohhhhh - I have to bite my tongue alot but I think that's one reason I get along so well with my D-I-L -- I'm no threat to her as a wife or as a mother. She knows I love her and I am here for them if they need me and I have just accepted the fact that I will never be as much a part of their life as her family will be.

I agree with Dotsie that you need to discuss this with your son and his wife. Lay your feelings out on the table -- and ask them to please respect those feelings as much as they can -- just as you promise to respect their feelings on the matter as best you can. Go into the discussion as one person to another -- a business agreement as such -- because if you go into it with a hurtful, resentful attitude -- it will come across as "all you" -- she'll get defensive -- he'll be put in the position of having to take sides -- and the point will be completely lost.

lion, I am so glad to have you posting again. Your point is beautifully posted...and very wise.