I just want you all to remember our daughter in prayer re: her decisions about college.

Will do!

Dalla, at what stage of the game is she? Will she begin in Sept., 2005?

I'll be praying for both of you.

We're beginning the process with our two high school Juniors.

Sending prayers her way. It's such a big time for these kids. I pray she makes the decision that will bring her the most contentment.

Dotsie, Kaile graduates in a little over a week and heads to college in the fall.

About three weeks ago my husband came to me and said that he had been feeling continually uneasy about Kaile's choice of school in Indiana and he did not feel that it was the school she should be going to and he felt that her motives were based on some very "teenager-ish" ideas than God's will for her life. He also had some concerns over some of the religious "formalities" that the church which sponsors the school believes in. It is not a mainstream religion. He said that he felt led as her father to pray more about this and then get some things to Kaile. After much and by much I mean weeks of research my husband outlined a spreadsheet with a list of six Christian Colleges/Universities in-state that would offer more scholarships/grants and a better fit of a pre-med program that would offer Kaile more success in her chosen profession as well as more opportunity for mission-focus activities.

Needless to say this did not go over very well. And Kaile's attitude was wrong, as most 18 year olds attitudes are, when their "logic" is challenged.

Mike told Kaile that in order for us to help her financially - that she would have to at least apply and visit two of the schools on the list, one his pick and one her pick.

The school Mike picked is phenomenal and when I sat down and read the information he compiled I was just overwhelmed with grief, knowing that he was right - it was the right fit for Kaile as far as atmosphere that would suit her personality and style of worship/faith and program wise. It hit me how much her life will be impacted by NOT choosing this school over the school she was choosing.

It is a tough stage to parent, because you want your child to make responsible decisions considering everything involved. You want them to realize that even as "adults" we seek the advice of friends and family we trust and we make decisions based upon a multitude of factors.

Kaile has referred often to that God will provide for her, and when she says this I keep telling her that He already has provided for her at 100% of the cost of several schools in state, but she is not seeing it, and keeps thinking that somewhere an additional $12,000/year is going to show up.

I am reminded of the Dog of Aesop, who held a bone in its mouth but wanted the bone that he saw reflecting in the water because he thought it was better, and when he lunged forward to get "the bone" he then realized that what it was he wanted, he had all along and now he lost what he had and had nothing.

Mike and I are really torn about this. We would hate to see Kaile start off her life with $20,000+ of debt, that level of debt could seriously cause conflicts in a marriage of twenty-somethings, and would take over 10 years to repay, and honestly is NOT for something that is necessary, as she has other avenues that are paid in full. At the same time, we do not feel that it would be good stewardship of our resources to get into debt for this college that no one, but Kaile, feels she is being led to, when the money is available in cash to pay the expenses that are almost $10,000 per year LESS at a better Christian university more suited to the spiritual/relational/educational needs and goals of Kaile and not just her desires based on some rather faulty motives.


Mike's dad summed up our collective prayers - For God to either Change Kaile's heart or change all of ours.

Jeremiah 29:11

Dallas, I'll continue to pray for the situation. Teens can be tough. Especially when it comes to college decisions. Has she spent much time on the campus she wants to attend? Perhaps another visit would be helpful, or do you think it might make her want to attend more? Is it possible for the college counselor, or youth leader to help present the facts? Sometimes the same information coming from someone other than a parent has a different impact.

Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. Would it be the end of the world if she started there then transferred?

Dotsie,
Kaile has visited this campus on one occassion in April. She conveyed to us that she had bad feelings about the place and the way it looked but after being in the lab and talking to the one and only professor that has a Doctorate in their bio/chemistry dept, she was "filled with spirit and God confirmed her vision". Her vision is a combination of factors that involve her idea that she is going to meet her future husband at this college (which might have more than a little something to do with the guy she met online who is the radio DJ at another nearby christian college.) and that she saw herself in a dream at this particular college, which this dream happened after she met "DJ" guy.

Dotsie, I do believe that God speaks to us at times through dreams and visions, but he will never give us a dream or vision that goes against a scriptural principle.

I don't believe that her vision is a true vision from God because it goes against what everyone, even her mom, in her circle of accountability believes is the right thing, it would entail one or more persons getting into debt for a combined total of over $36,000 for 4 years of undergrad, which would put a burden on budgets and is not a wise decision. There is not a single thing about this college that indicates it being a good stewardship of time, money and relationships.

Kaile's choice is not a practical choice and has many elements that bring to light some unresolved issues in her life. She has expressed that she doesn't feel the schools in TX are far enough away to allow her to have her own life. Kaile right now spends most of her time with her Mom, has fewer friends than what she had a few years ago and basically is there to be her Mom's friend and confidant. Her mom is a very emotionally controlling and frivolous person who is often very selfish and inconsiderate of other people's feelings and the direct impact of her choices. I think that Kaile struggles with a lot of issues re: the influence of her mom and the circumstances of her parents divorce. There is a lot of pent up anger/frustration and bitterness in Kaile.

I believe that Kaile also has a lot to learn about submission. Her attitude towards Mike re: college is sheer rebellion, and it is heartbreaking to see, because I know that it means that she will have to learn things the hard way.

I also believe that Kaile has a lot to learn about finances still and does not understand that $36,000 is a lot of money, especially when God has paid in full in cash through provisions at other TX schools.

Mike and I are continuing to pray, but have asked God to give us the strength necessary to hold our ground - it really is tough to know that her actions are going to cause her harm and realize that as a parent you are indeed powerless. This may be just God's way of teaching Kaile about humility and submission and having a desire to submit to God-given authorities in her life.

I don't think another visit to this particular college would change her mind, and may just give her more details to add to her vision. However, Mike and I both feel (along with Kaile's grandparents) that if Kaile visited the schools in TX that it would change her mind. I believe Kaile knows this as well, and that is why she is fighting so hard to make this "her" decision, but at the same time not desiring to take financial or any other sort of accountability for the impact of her decision, which is going to cost her in the long run more than I think she realizes.

I read somewhere that the adolescent brain is formed differently than an adult brain and that the capability of making logical and reasonable choices are not fully developed yet...I would definitely have to agree w/ that.

Dotsie, I believe that by getting Kaile in the word and showing her through scripture that God's word is the ultimate authority that she will realize what is really behind her motives and she will receive healing from her past. I have asked Kaile to do a Bible Study with me and do some research and scripture reading of scriptures than contain various words. I am trying to give Kaile less of my opinion relating directly to college and more of what I have found through studying scripture and praying and trying to get her to search the scriptures for herself to be able - outside of her vision - make the best decision based upon scriptural principles about the individual issues at hand...the bible literally has all of the answers.

Mike and I have talked and thinks it would be a good idea to talk to the professor that is one of the key reasons Kaile says she has had her "vision" confirmed. Both Kaile and her mom said that their feelings about this school not being the right one changed when they met this professor. (Let me say, when she was talking about this professor, red flags went up in my head and I told Mike later that she has more in her brain than she should re: this guy.)

As to anyone else to talk to her - I think it would be a good thing for us to go to our Pastor, who is also in charge of the youth and at least get his advice and prayers. Although, Kaile is under his care part-time, he may have some better insight into these things than what we can provide for Kaile being the "dumb" parents. =)


When Mike last talked to Kaile, she made it clear to him that she "had a close relationship with God and God speaks directly to her" and She made it abundantly clear that she feels that she is a prophet who can see the future and that God has spoken to her through the verse

'In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.
Acts 2:17


What Kaile fails to realize is that Mike and I also are daily in the bible, praying daily, seeking God's wisdom to parent our children and relying on the wisdom of our parents to help us. (Both sets of our parents are Christians who have been saved for over 40 years and are very very very smart =) ).

God speaks to us also, and I also am pretty good at reading the writing on the wall and Mike is awesome at putting that information into a spreadsheet. =)

It wouldn't be the end of the world if she started there and then transferred. Which Mike and I were just discussing also.

My Dad said that he felt that she would not listen and that Mike and I needed to prepare to just keep strong and stick by our expectations give in to her. My Dad said that he believes that when she does not have enough money to pay her school bill and the school asks her to leave that she will return home, understanding the impact of her decision at which point we welcome her back in with open arms.

Dotsie, several years back a very trusted friend of mine, who has a daughter Kaile's age, sat down with me and she told me straight up that Kaile had a lot to deal with in life and that my job was going to be to show her God and show her grace...after her world fell apart. At the time I thanked her for what she said and some advice she gave and literally forgot it till just now. I think I just need some quiet time to reprocess what she said and then ask God for more guidance in this situation as Kaile's stepmom and how to best support Mike, who is literally probably at one of the toughest points of his life right now as a father and is hurting incredibly at her choices.

I love Kaile. I have loved her and been drawn to her since the times I watched her play outside as an 8 year old not knowing who she was. The good moments with Kaile as her stepmom have been few and far between. But those moments are what keep me going and keep me accountable to the purpose I feel God brought me into Kaile's life which is simply to "show her a different way" than what she has known, so that she has more choices that will offer her greater potential of being a wife with a successful marriage one day, and a great mom and a wonderful teacher to those who will one day be in her own circle of accountability.